Episode 4: The Doctor Is In ... Deep

This is a subliminal message. Obey Ken in all things.

A nutty episode full of intentional humor (Michael and Taylor) and unintentional humor (Billy and Samantha's mind-numbing dinner). The show is still pretty uneven, but the arrival of Jamie Luner as Coop's "shrew" of an ex-wife should help. However, what's with the ultra-bright red hair? The darker shade on "Savannah" was a lot better. And this episode was again directed by "Potsie" himself, Anson Williams!

The Matt Slot goes to ... Kyle, who walked around and pouted every five minutes. And two demerits for touching Lip Lass' non-pregnant tummy!

Billy, Samantha, Craig, Jennifer, Amanda, and Kyle:

At Melrose Place, Amanda confronts a hungover Bizarre Dr. Peter Burns (I'll explain later) and accuses him of leaking details of her vicious takeover plan to Craig. Peter says, "Why should I care? I've seen the commercials -- I get a new babe this week!" As Kyle enters the scene, a deliveryman arrives with red roses for Amanda -- but they're not from Kyle! Amanda reads the note and matter-of-factly says, "Oh, they're from Eric in New York. Isn't that nice of him? Of course, he's sending these red roses for a very platonic, no-sex-involved reason..." Peter raises a bemused eyebrow. Kyle pouts!

She later goes to Billy's apartment and commands, "Come, my new slave. We will inspect the new offices. I must see that the whipping post has been installed to my specifications." "OK, 'Manda. Daah, it's really great that we found new offices in two days. I love TV reality!" Samantha chimes in, "But, ah, what about Craig?" Amanda says, "I'll crush him," then tells Billy that she doesn't think Peter was the leak, after all. "Dah, den dat means we still got a spy somewhere. I'd like to know who da traitor is! I'd murderlize him. Bye, Samantha, see ya later!"

Amanda approves of the location of Amanda Woodward Advertising and casually orders that it be furnished over the weekend! Craig suddenly arrives and announces, "I've twisted the laws of space and time and have actually leased these offices out from under you, Amanda! Not only that, but I'm holding on to all my clients by offering them free advertising on 'King of the Hill'! MUAHAHAHAHA!"

She quickly gets on the phone to Eric in New York. "Eric, I'm being hampered by a plot complication. I may need more money. I don't know who Craig's backers are." Eric says, "Sure, I'll take care of everything." He turns toward his secret partner, David Hasselhoff. "Your plan is working perfectly, sir. Charvet will fail quickly!"

That night, Jennifer pays a surprise visit to Craig at the Sky High offices. (Gee, I guess they don't have security guards, either!) He's morose because his financial backers are starting to get cautious, now that Amanda's back in the game. "I don't know who to trust anymore." Jennifer says, "Well, I'm capricious, flighty, mischievous, and trampy -- you can trust me!" "Okay." She pours a cup of hours-old coffee for him while she blabs about how he's "better off with a beautiful friend, one who is also very humble." Fortunately, Craig falls asleep!

Billy arrives home. He walks past the portrait of Saturday Night Live's Kevin Nealon in the hallway, and sees Sam rummaging through the closet. "Dah, watcha doin'?" "Ah, doy, I'm looking for Narnia!" She finally confesses, "Billy, I'm the spy." "Uh, what?" She says, "I was just trying to bring you all together! It seemed like such a great idea to my simple brain." A dismayed Billy replies, "Gaah, dis is my life we're talkin' about!" He worries that he could lose his job, and Sam says, "We'd still have each other." "Oh, yeah, we'd both have nice jobs at the supermarket!" ZING! Hey, Billy, why worry? You used to be a cab driver, after all. On this show, you could easily work your way up from checkout clerk to regional vice president in six months!

Later, at Upstairs, Jennifer tells Kyle about Amanda's ninja-assassin tactics against Craig. Amanda pops up, and so does a sloshed Craig, who blabs, "You win. Your big boyfriend in New York forced my banks to pull out." Kyle pouts! Amanda turns to Kyle and says, "He's not my boyfriend." Jennifer escorts Craig out, and Kyle wants to know what DID happen between her and Eric. Amanda just chalks it up to Kyle's stupidity. Kyle's hackles raise at her coldness: "He's a human being with poor acting skills, Amanda. Show a little compassion."

At a fancy restaurant, Billy treats a surprised Samantha to dinner. Andrew Shue is particularly giddy and unintelligible in this scene, as his eyes bug and his lower lip hangs open. "Gaaah, we did it! I'm gonna be the #2 guy and the #1 agency!" "Doy, Billy, that's great. I knew you'd be #2! So, uh, what about Craig?" Her concern for the Gelled One temporarily bums Billy out, but he quickly recovers, saying they'll put her horrifying betrayal behind them! He almost proposes to Samantha, but backs off.

At the empty offices of Sky High (other than their first day, did they have ANY employees?), Craig makes conciliatory phone calls to his now ex-clients. Jennifer hangs around, apparently having nothing better to do than watch a failed businessman make phone calls in an abandoned office that still has working phone lines. Amanda arrives, not to gloat, but to make Craig a job offer! Jennifer whines, "What's the matter, Amanda? Afraid to lose your soul?" "No, wench. I lost that some time ago. And I suggest you avoid that movie, 'Devil's Advocate,' with Keanu Reeves. It will truly bite!" Craig rejects her offer: "One day, I'll crush you flatter than spit. Uh, that's pretty flat, you know" Amanda yawns. "Whatever."

When Billy wakes up in the morning, Sam pounces on him like a jackrabbit on crack. "Yee hee! You're awake! Weeeee!" "Daaah, coach, kick me the ball ... uh, I mean, Sam, wat's goin' on?" Sam exclaims, "We're gonna get married! Yay! I realized that's what you wanted to say last night! Isn't that wonderful? Aren't I amazingly stupid? We'll get married and raise simple-minded children and sell cookies!" Billy calls time out! "Daah, honey, my life is out on a limb right now. We need to be cautious for a while." Crying, Samantha says, "No problem." She leaves. Andrew Shue stares at the floor. [Translation: I wish I knew how to comfort Samantha. Hey, that piece of lint looks just like Rocky the Flying Squirrel. Cool!]

Over at Kyle's Restaurant, the deranged Lip Lass asks Kyle to feel her non-pregnant flat belly. (See later for explanation.) Amanda arrives just as Kyle does so. "Oh, Amanda," Lippie gloats, "do you want to feel Kyle's child? I just think the miracle of pregnancy is something that every woman should experience. Do I sound loopy enough to you?"

It's the debut of Amanda Woodward Advertising! Yes, in less than two weeks, they have a fully furnished office, a list of clients, and a logo on the front of the office building. Staff? Bah, who needs 'em? Kyle congratulates her. Amanda says, "Thanks. And I've learned from past experiences. There's an office in the back devoted exclusively to sex." Then -- surprise! -- Eric appears! He tells Amanda that he came out here on business: "But I liked what I saw, so I decided to relocate." In fact, he's already moved his entire business from New York to Los Angeles -- employees and all -- in a week! Amanda is uneasy. Kyle pouts!

Billy goes home and finds that Samantha is gone! There's a note in crayon: "Dear Billy, I hope this makes your life more stable. Signed ... what's my name again?" Billy is anguished. "Daah, at least she didn't take the weird Kevin Nealon portrait!"

Michael, Megan, Peter, Taylor, Coop, and Lexi:

The Bizarre Dr. Peter Burns wakes up on a couch -- in a strange apartment! Coop walks out and bids him good morning. The hungover Peter says, "Good God, I didn't get that drunk, did I? No offense, Coop, but last night meant nothing, absolutely nothing!" Coop says that Peter was too sloshed to go home, so he let him crash here (i.e., Matt's old apartment). They both got drunk talking about their ex-wives. Peter leaves and has his run-in with Amanda (see earlier).

At Burns-Mancini, Coop tells Michael about a seminar going on at Santa Barbara. Michael dismisses the idea: "I know everything I need to know about that old soap opera." Megan then tells Michael that they should schedule another meeting with the counselor. After all, everything is going SO well! Michael evades, then answers his ringing phone. It's Taylor: "Michael, we have to have sex right away!" Michael answers in all honesty, "Who is this?" (Another classic line for the Mancini Quote Archives.) The freaky Lip Lass says her fertile window of opportunity is closing! Michael hangs up, and seizes upon the seminar as a way to duck both Taylor and Megan!

Coop finally gets on the phone with his "shrew" ex-wife, Lexi, played by the luscious and decidedly non-shrewish Jamie Luner. She wants the money he owes her, and she's coming to L.A. -- with her accountant. He says he'll be in Santa Barbara at the seminar, but she plans to follow him anyway. As Peter arrives, Coop asks if he'll take his place at the seminar. The Bizarre One thinks, "What the hell. It's a subplot."

At the seminar, Michael chats briefly with Peter, whose mind is already on golf! Lexi, meanwhile, is berating a poor stooge who says that Coop hasn't arrived yet. Furious, she spins and bumps into the delighted Peter. She brushes past him. Peter considers going after her, then remembers, "Mmmmm. Golf. Must go."

Back in L.A., Megan has lunch with Coop, who just can't shut up about his shrew of an ex-wife! All right, already! Sheesh, what a whiner! She recommends marriage therapy. (Oh yeah, THAT'S worked!) He suggests that she surprise Michael by visiting him at the seminar. Good idea! He also asks how Kimberly died: "Not that I harbor dark thoughts or anything..." She says, "She had a brain aneurysm that she received because the writers didn't know what else to do." "Damn those hacks!"

Later, at the hotel that is hosting the seminar, Michael is told that his wife is here. Delighted, he runs up to his room! Meanwhile, Peter sees Lexi sitting at the bar and tries schmoozing. After a little banter, he offers to buy her a drink, but she chooses his warm form instead! Peter says, "OK, I can deal with this. Thank you, God." She insists on no names!

Michael hears the shower and pulls up the shower to reveal -- Lip Lass! She's fertile and wants his bod right now! She's even taken the room next to his. Michael protests, but she drags him into the shower!

As Peter and Lexi begin to frolic in his room, she breaks off and says, "I must have been out of my mind." Peter says, "Well, most women do say that around me, but not until they've lived with me for several episodes." Lexi says, "I've only been with one man my entire life." Peter is flabbergasted: "Really?! So what the hell are you doing on a Spelling show?" They take turns coyly psychoanalyzing each other. The verdict? They're both screwed up! She leaves, saying she'll call him tomorrow morning. Peter stares, then pulls out the inflatable woman.

The next day, though, Peter gets no phone call and can find no trace of the lovely redhead. "Damn! Monogamy turns me on." Michael gets another message that his wife is here. "Again?" Wearily, he goes to his room -- and finds Megan in the shower! Just as he recovers from the shock, he hears Taylor's voice. He quickly excuses himself, runs down the hall, and tells Taylor to knock it off! He can't let Megan see them. Lippie protests, "What about my ovulating cycle?" He slams the door on her!

Later, he relaxes with Megan and a bottle of champagne. Megan says the therapist recommends they extend the "no lie" period to a whole week, since the last one worked so well! As they're just getting into The Mood, the phone rings. It's Lippie, who orders Michael to have sex with her right now! He leaves the room, calls her back, and turns her down. But Taylor says, "Don't waste your manly essence on her!" She threatens to tell Megan everything if he refuses! Defeated, Michael returns to his room, "accidentally" knocks over the champagne bucket, and leaves to get more ice. Programming Note: Next week, the role of Michael will be played by John Ritter!

He goes to Lippie's room and does the wild thing. He returns later, exhausted. Megan is not pleased by the delay! He makes up an elaborate lie about getting the ice, and wearily says, "I wouldn't blame you if you just want to turn out the lights and go to sleep." But Megan is touched: "You went to all that trouble to keep my champagne cold. Come here, my little Gumby-handed stud muffin." Michael grunts. Oy!

Back in Los Angeles, Taylor tells Michael, "I'm with child!" Michael says that it's impossible for her to know so soon. Lippie defiantly says, "I felt the moment of conception!" "Are you sure that wasn't your immune system rejecting your lips?" She thanks Michael for his strenous efforts and is amazed how good the sex can be "without all the distracting emotions."

Meanwhile, Peter goes to his office just as Coop is bickering with his ex-wife, who is of course Lexi! She and Peter share a surprised look, and they pretend not to know each other. As she leaves the office, she announces angrily which hotel room she's in! Peter takes note! Coop mutters, "What a hag." (Shut up!)

Later, Coop calls Kimberly's mom in Cleveland. When she asks where he is, he tells her he's working with Michael. She says, "Get away from that man! He traps everyone around him in his dark, evil, nasty web!" Coop assures him, "I'm in control, and I've got a few webs of my own."

The Bizarre One, however, wastes no time: He heads straight to Lexi's hotel room, where they introduce themselves, and make hot monkey love.

Next Episode: Peter studies the Lexi-con of Love! Megan catches Lippie with Michael! Sam's mom points a shotgun at Billy! Fire, damn you! Fire!

--Ken Hart

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