Best opening line was on ESPN's site this morning regarding the Colts-Bills football snoozefest: "If you wanted to see scoring Monday night on TV, you were better off watching Melrose Place."
OK, what's with the latest modification to the TV ratings? Last night's episode was rated "TV-14 DS." What the hell does DS mean? Delicious Sex? Dumb Subplots? Dopey Spelling? The Matt Slot goes to … Coop! He gets yelled at by the luscious Jamie Luner, then disappears. Hey, Coop de Ville, when's your master plan going into effect?
Billy calls Samantha's mom, Kate, in Maryland. "Daah, ya seen Samantha?" Standing behind her mom in the restaurant, Sam silently tells her to not say anything. (And isn't it amazing how Samantha, who was earning minimum wage at the supermarket and who gave everything to her Evil Dad, could so easily buy a last-minute plane ticket to Maryland and move her stuff?) Kate says to Billy, "She's not here. And I wouldn't tell you if she were. Not that she is, of course. Leave her alone."
After the ribbon cutting at Amanda Woodward Advertising (see later), Billy tells Amanda that he's off to Maryland. Amanda says, "No way, Jose! You have to help me install the punishment rack!" "Daah, I'm takin' personal days, like it says in my contract." "Fine. But if you're not back in 72 hours, you're fired." He says, "Ya silly. You can't do dat, 'Manda." "Watch me." "OK. For how long do I have to watch you?"
Finally, Billy stops watching Amanda and heads off to Maryland. He surprises Sam, who's now a waitress at her mom's restaurant. (She's following David Caruso's career path.) Samantha says, "Ah, doy, Billy. Why are you here? I left a note." "Gaah, oh gee, I was supposed to read that? Sorry." When he asks if she left because of the Marriage Proposal That Wasn't, she admits it "was the most embarrassing moment of my life." Hey, Sam, think about those of us who watched it! You're the nimrod who jumped up and down with glee because you somehow magically pulled a marriage-proposal thought out of Billy's tiny brain!
They kiss briefly, then Kate tells Billy to leave. "What, I don't get the lobster? Gaaah!" Samantha also thinks Billy should go: "And leave the bib." He says he's staying in town and will keep returning until Sam leaves with him. Billy has a promising career as a stalker!
The next day, Samantha heads toward the fishing boat with Ernie, the cook at the restaurant, to pick up crabs. The first lower lifeform they find, however, is Billy, who waits for them at the pier. He's all wet -- from falling in, that is. "Say, daah, we're really in California, ya know. People will think we filmed this in Maryland because we turned the coast around!" He gamely tries manual labor! He gets a minute alone with Ernie, who's known Sam for years, "back when she was a good actress." Ernie politely says that Kate probably sees a chance for a "second motherhood" with Sam, now that Evil Dad is the Evil Dead Dad. Sam still keeps Billy at arm's length.
Billy shows up at the restaurant again at night, while Kate is cleaning up. Unfortunately, Billy uses the info he got from Ernie to psychoanalyze her. "Daaah, dis is all about you not being there for Sam when she was growin' up." This tactic would be questionable in the hands of an intelligent person. In Billy's hands, it's disastrous! Kate pulls a shotgun on him! "Uh, gaah, you do not need to shoot me. Dat wouldn't be good at all." Kate looks very serious, but Billy holds his ground. Sam arrives and looks on the scene with horror! She tells Billy to go back to L.A. "But can't you see wat she's doin'?" "Well, no duh, Billy! Just go away." Billy leaves, defeated -- at least for this week. C'mon, Kate, shoot him in the back!
Trying to make amends (and wanting Craig to get rich), Jennifer calls every hotel in the city. She finally tracks down Mr. Andrews, and she pleads with him to understand what Craig has been going through. "I was just another shoulder for him to cry on." That's not the only body part he got to cry on! She tells Mr. Andrews that while he lost a daughter, "You have to realize that Craig lost the only woman he ever loved. Sniff sniff. I am, of course, saying this with total honesty and not because I want Craig to be my filthy rich husband. Don't you love my trampy lip gloss?" She says he and Craig should try to get on with their lives, and she leaves him to think about it.
Somehow, her words have an effect, and he revisits Craig and presents him with an insurance check for a policy he had taken out on Sydney: "At least one Melrose Place star dies horribly each year, so I decided to play it safe." He's endorsed it over to Craig, because "Sydney loved you very much." When Craig says the money is meaningless without her, the White Shadow says, "Give it meaning. Support a basketball team for inner-city high school kids." The manly men shake hands, then hug! Jennifer watches this from the all-seeing Venetian blinds and contemplates a rich future.
She and Craig later meet at a restaurant. When she finishes drooling over the size of the check, Craig ponders a career change since his business attempts have been "one big bust." "Correction," says Jen. "Two big busts: Amanda Woodward!" Hey, good line! Unfortunately for Jen, though, Craig says he won't do anything -- "I'll be a man of leisure!" She quickly recovers, "Oh, THAT's nice!" This is not what she wanted to hear.
Later, at Burns-Mancini … oh, Burns-Mancini-Cooper, Lexi and Coop get into another bickering bout over the money he owes her. He claims he's broke -- she vows to break him! Bye, Coop!
At the ribbon-cutting ceremony to officially open Amanda Woodward Advertising, Amanda tells the assembled, silent masses that she has Eric to thank for this. "Now applaud, eat your brie, and get to work!" Eric tells the group that there's not a "more stylishly brilliant, more beautifully ruthless businesswoman than Amanda Woodward." Flatterer! He gives her a big hug, which she is obviously uncomfortable with.
Meanwhile, Jennifer asks Megan why she's come back to the Melrose Place apartment. Haven't she and Michael kissed and made up? Megan's still unsure: "Sleeping with him clouds my judgment." Jen advises Megan to be more active: "We Mancinis don't wait for things to happen. We make them happen." This is not always a good thing! She thinks Megan should head over to the beach house.
Good advice -- but a little too late! As a now non-Gumby-handed Michael reads up on marriage tips, Lip Lass shows up. Oy! "What now, Taylor?" She wants more sex! "It'll be our swan song!" "No!" "Please? Pretty please?" "We shouldn't do this. It's wrong. Well, okay!" After they rip their clothes off and head into the bedroom, Megan enters! She finds Michael and Lippie half-naked on the bed! As she walks out in anguish, Michael blurts out the traditional line: "Wait! I can explain!" Megan leaves in tears. Michael realizes that he is a Grade-A jerk! "God, after I promised I wouldn't lie to her anymore -- wait, that's it!" He tells Lip Lass that he'll confess ALL the truth to Megan, including the pregnancy scam. "Oh no, you don't!" exclaims Taylor. She vows that if Michael fibs, she'll make up horrible things to tell Megan: "You only wanted her as a whore until you found someone better! You said she's not a natural blonde! You told everyone she was the worst actor on 'The Kindred'!" Michael is trapped.
Michael later confronts Megan at Jennifer's apartment. He claims that Taylor forced herself on him! "Megan, I was drugged! The woman has a history! Look what she did to Kyle's Marine buddy, Peter, even Billy. Oh, wait -- Billy's always been that way." Megan is disgusted by his fibs, and even Jennifer rolls her eyes. "We are finished!" says Megan.
That night, at Upstairs, Kyle and Amanda notice that Jennifer is sulking. (This is while she was trying to patch things up between Craig and the White Shadow.) Kyle walks off to check on the band, and Amanda chats with Jen -- not for any good purpose, of course, but just to get in a couple of digs! Jen says that Amanda's celibacy situation may actually have merit. (Shock!) "I'm like Michael. If I had been less aggressive with Crybaby Craig…" When Amanda asks about Michael and Megan, Jen tells her that Michael was having sex with Lippie. Kyle hears this! Amanda's mouth opens with glee! Immediately, Amanda says to him, "I told ya so. I told ya so. You believed her. Nyah nyah!" Kyle says he'll deal with the Taylor situation now. He goes downstairs and corners Lippie in the kitchen. He knows about Michael and says, "I want a paternity test NOW!" Thinking fast, she tries to make an excuse, but Kyle shows some fortitude for once: "Until you get that test, don't even think of flapping those mutant lips in my direction."
The next night, Amanda goes to Eric's hotel room to tell him flat-out that any merging will never go beyond the business kind. Eric says, "Oh pa-shaw! My lust for you was years ago. I don't have the slightest interest in caressing your shapely bosom or kissing those delicious lips. How about dinner?" "No, thanks, I'd better be going." Eric is bummed! Hmmm, could that be a scheme to ruin Kyle bouncing around in his little head?
Taylor visits Michael at the hospital and tells him about Kyle's demand. She asks him to fake a paternity test. He laughs! "For one thing, I won't. Second, it takes a month to do an amniocentesis." "A month? He'll become Amanda's love slave forever before then! I'll lose him for good!" She scoffs when Michael tells her about the "Taylor drugged me" excuse, but then he gets an idea: If Taylor goes to Megan, backs him up with the drug excuse, and convinces her, then he'll fudge the test.
Eric shows up at Upstairs for another business meeting with Amanda, who's running late. Jennifer, having already given up on Craig, starts flirting with the new guy! He flirts back!
At the Burns-Mancini-What's His Name office, a sad Megan is approached by Lippie. "What are you doing here, Taylor? Are the collagen injections throwing your head off-balance?" Taylor apologizes: "It wasn't Michael's fault." Megan scoffs, "Oh, what? He had sex epilepsy?" Lippie, a little fazed, says, "I'm a sexual compulsive. Michael's resemblance to Kyle, well, sort of a resemblance…" Megan stares. Things aren't going well for Taylor, so she tries the drug story! But Megan's too smart! (Wow, they actually gave Megan her brains back this week!) She quizzes Lippie, who obviously hadn't thought this out. "Uh, it was space aliens! Uh, the dog ate my homework!" Megan slaps her good!
The next night, we're back at Upstairs, where Eric makes goo-goo eyes at the solitary Megan. Boy, this guy doesn't let up! Before he can make his move, Michael shows up to again apologize to her. Megan, to his surprise, won't forgive him! He's actually offended and starts dredging up her dark past. In front of the crowd, he yells at her, calls her a whore, and grabs her. Eric leaps over to separate them, and Kyle and Jennifer tell Michael to get out. Megan schmoozes with her "white knight," and Eric offers to buy her a drink. Kyle watches this with skeptical interest!
Next Week: Michael and Megan argue! Billy and Samantha argue! Amanda and Lip Lass argue! Peter and Lexi are back in bed -- good for them!
--Ken Hart
