Episode 3: No Time For Sperm Bank


Did you catch the "cameo" by Antonio Sabato Jr. during the episode credits? The camera briefly lingered on one of those giant Calvin Klein underwear billboards!

The Matt Slot goes to ... Jennifer! Everybody got a decent amount of screen time, but Jennifer gets it for just dropping into other people's plots to be annoying.

Billy, Samantha, Craig, Amanda, Kyle, and Peter:

The morning after her vehicular encounter with Craig, Samantha wants to talk to Billy, but he's in a rush: "Daah, I gotta get these secret files ready." Ah doy, what secret files?" "D'OH! Okay, Peter Burns wants to meet with me and invest in 'Manda's new company." Sam wonders what this will mean for Craig. "Gaah, who cares?" "I just think that..." Billy says, "Daah, don't think. It never helps me." "Okay, Billy!"

As soon as he leaves, though, Sam runs over to Craig. She tells him that she didn't mention anything to Billy about the other night. Craig says, "I was wrong to blame you with Sydney's death, and I was wrong to take my anger out on Billy - but gosh darn it, it felt good!" Sam says, "Uh, well, I'm glad you feel so much better about Billy. I'm sure you'd forgive him even if he stabbed you in the back." They share an empathic hug just as Jennifer turns up on the doorway. (Don't these folks ever close their doors? They're almost as bad as Seinfeld!) She says, "Don't mind me. I'm just being annoying this week." When Sam splits, Craig tells Jen to get lost: "We're not friends." "But we ARE lovers, and nothing's gonna change that." She leaves, and Craig thinks, "What a wigged-out chick!"

At a restaurant, Billy shows financial info to The Bizarre Dr. Peter Burns. "So, gaah, Peter, are you evil this week or not?" "I'm conflicted, Billy. I think I'll just be foolishly unethical right now." "Daah, is dat a yes?" Billy shows Peter his Etch-a-Sketch, with the logo for "Amanda Woodward Advertising," then asks him if Amanda knows about his planned investment. Not yet, says Peter, but he agrees to tell her soon.

Later, at Sky High, Billy hurriedly hides his secret files as Craig walks in. Craig apologizes for his recent behavior: "I've been a real jerk and a pathetic crier." "Yer tellin' me! Gaah!" Craig hopes to mend fences, but Billy is about to run a tank over them.

Amanda and Kyle kiss in the Melrose courtyard, then Kyle wants to check on the "pregnant" Lip Lass, who "went home sick" from the restaurant. Lippie and Amanda briefly glare at each other. Inside Taylor's place, she fudges details about her "visits" to the doctor and makes up a really vague due date! Kyle's eyes flash with a brief surge of intelligence, yet the moment quickly passes! (More on the pregnancy scam later.)

In the morning, Jennifer knocks on Amanda's door to tell her she's paid the rent and that Megan is staying with her for the time being. Amanda says, "Fine. Now get annoying. That's your role on the show now!" "OK. Boy, I have to give you credit, Amanda, for being able to deal with Taylor living here, and her being preggo and all. Hee hee hee." "Great. You're done. Bye." Amanda sighs, "In all these years, we never had a character who titters. Geez, that's annoying!" And isn't it nice to know that a bartender can afford apartments just like those used by ad executives and restaurant owners? Tips must be good in Los Angeles!

At Burns-Mancini, Peter admits to Megan that he's planning to invest in Amanda's new company. Megan is repulsed! "So now that you and Lip Lass are through, you're trying to get back with Amanda? That is such a guy thing!" She advises him to just tell Amanda how he feels: "Don't try to buy her love." "Oh, YOU would know about such things!" Ouch! Peter realizes he was overly nasty, so he buys her an apology.

Back at Sky High, Craig looks for Billy. "Excuse me, Nameless Office Person, have you seen Billy?" "Oh yes, Mr. Fields, he's doing something for that organization of his, 'Think Something.'" "You mean, 'Do Something.'" "Yeah, whatever." Craig, suspicious, looks through Billy's files and finds ... the Etch-a-Sketch! "Amanda Woodward Advertising --what could that mean? Hmmm..." God forbid Billy should lock his file cabinet to protect his secret information!

That night, he confronts Sam in the laundry room and demands the truth. She initially lies, but spills ALL the beans, even mentioning Peter's involvement. What a blabbermouth! Craig automatically assumes that Amanda is the mastermind who started this. (Since Billy is the only other choice, who can blame him?) He vows that Amanda won't steal his and Sydney's company. At least he can now mention Syd's name without crying again!

Craig invites a surprised Billy to racquetball. Craig "casually" wonders how Sky High should protect itself against a hypothetical raid by Amanda. Billy says, "Daah, that's not a problem. 'Manda doesn't know anything about needles." "I said 'hypothetical,' not 'hypodermic'!" Craig orders Billy to clean out his desk! He knows everything about Billy's betrayal and Peter's investment. Billy shrugs: "I'm not even remotely sorry. 'Manda's gonna make me her new slave. Nyah nyah!"

Peter has dinner with Amanda. She thinks this is a mistake, but he hopes they can still be friends. He asks her how her plans for a new agency are proceeding. Instead of wondering, "Hey, Bizarro! How the hell do you know about my secret plans?", Amanda is honest! She says that with most of her moolah tied up in Upstairs, she has little money to work with. "And I'm getting no residuals from 'Dynasty.' Soap opera repeats suck in syndication." Peter then says he'll give her the thousands of dollars she needs, with "no strings attached." Amanda is skeptical! "I'm supposed to believe you're my happiness guru? I doubt it, Deepak Chopra!" Peter frankly admits he hopes they can restore what they had. (What, a relationship based on false identities?) Amanda says, "You're offering me money to get me in bed with you!" "No! No! Well, maybe. Eventually. At some point in the future. Damn, Megan was right!" He confesses his love, but Amanda tells him to forget it - and his investment offer! "You'll never see my leopard-print bedsheets again!"

Around 2 a.m. that night, Amanda sneaks out of bed and quietly calls Eric in New York. (He's the lustful ad exec from two weeks ago.) She explains her desire to start a new agency and her financial needs. Eric, apparently not holding a grudge over being dumped, says he should be able to give her all the funds she requires. Meanwhile, an awakened Kyle hears the whole conversation - well, Amanda's half of it anyway. His response: "Who the hell was that?" Amanda tells all, describing Eric as the guy who helped her get started years ago. When Kyle offers to give her the money she needs by selling his Boston restaurant, she quotes a much higher target number! So much for starting small! Amanda tells him not to be jealous: "Would you rather I borrow the money from Eric ... or The Bizarre Dr. Peter Burns?" She tells him of Peter's offer, which does not thrill Kyle!

Michael, Megan, Coop, Lip Lass, Jennifer, and more Peter:

At the beach house, Michael is frustrated that he can't button his collar with his Gumby hands. When Jennifer arrives to help, he yells at her, but she says this is just charity work: "I'm helping the morally impaired." He asks her to dial the hospital. When she hands him the phone, he finds that she really dialed Megan's number! Oops! While Michael verbally stumbles, Jen encourages him to ask Megan out to dinner. She resists at first, citing Michael's schemes, lies, ethical lapses, and subscription to Details magazine. His charm wins out, though, and she agrees. "But it doesn't mean the slate is wiped clean."

At the hospital, Michael gives Lip Lass some pregnancy info and advice on the best time to take a donation from the sperm bank. "Yuck!" says Lippie. "It takes all the fun out of sex!" "This isn't about sex," responds Michael. "It's about you getting pregnant." Taylor, increasing her trend toward goofiness, hopes to get the sperm of some highly intelligent, sophisticated professional. Michael reminds her that they need a close match to KYLE.

When Peter arrives at Burns-Mancini, he finds to his horror that Michael has made the new guy, Coop, a partner behind his back! He yells at Michael, who weakly apologizes and says it'll all work out. Michael takes Coop aside, apologizes for the confusion, and says, "Don't worry. We're gonna push Peter out and have our own practice." Coop shakes his head at Michael's scumminess.

Later, Megan tells Coop that he's gotten several phone messages from his wife. "Ah, that's my shrew of an EX-wife." He tells Megan to expect his medical files from Cleveland to arrive. "Okay, I'll file them when they come in." "NO! Uh, no, that's okay. I'll do it. It's not like there's anything secret or incriminating in there..."

Over dinner at Kyle's, Michael tries to be contrite. He's failing! Megan is tired of him vowing that he won't do his dirty tricks again. "I want us to go to a couples' therapist," she says. Gulp! Michael gags a bit, but is saved by the arrival of Lippie, who needs to see him privately regarding her "pregnancy" right now. In the back, she exclaims, "I'm ovulating! I need the frozen sperm right now!" Michael tells her to restrain herself until the morning. "Can't I get them at the 7-11?"

In their session with the therapist, Michael and Megan let it all hang out. Michael, of course, plays down his offenses: "I fib a little." Hah! The therapist makes a recommendation. For the next 48 hours, they are to be completely honest with each other. Michael says, "Piece of cake." Megan has doubts!

The next day, Michael is at the beach house when Lippie arrives in a panic! "The pipes burst and the sperm bank is closed for a week!" (No comment.) He's in a rush to meet Megan for their next session, but Taylor sees her plans crumbling. He says, "Well, you'll have to seduce a guy in a bar and hope you don't contract anything. Stay away from Charlie Sheen." She then grabs him and throws him on the couch. "I don't want a relationship! I just want your sperm!" Michael does his token feeble resistance, then goes at it with his Gumby hands.

He eventually shows up at Megan and Jen's place - 12 hours late! Megan says coldly, "This should be interesting, considering you promised 48 hours' honesty." Michael does his best! "Uh, I had to squeeze in a patient ... with a gland problem ... it was touch and go ... I never heard moaning like that! Then I feel asleep!" Megan wavers, but she accepts his statement as the truth. (Oh, puh-leeze! This is Michael you're talking to, Megan!)

Coop enters Burns-Mancini (and Cooper!) and finds a note from Megan: "Your Cleveland files are in Dr. Mancini's office. They're marked with the 'Evil Subplot' stickers." He grabs the Kimberly files just as Megan returns. She again offers to help with the filing, and she sees Kimberly's record. "You knew her?" Coop says he did, but he had no idea until the past day that she was Michael's ex-wife: "What a Bizarre coincidence, right?" Megan, again showing a stunning lack of intelligence, believes him! She says she won't say anything about it to Michael, as long as Coop tells him himself soon.

At Upstairs, a pissed-off Kyle tells Peter that his Bizarre Butt is not welcome on his barstools. As Peter walks down to Kyle's Restaurant, he overhears Coop angrily bickering on his cellular phone. After hanging up, Coop explains, "Oh, just my shrew of an ex-wife." "Did you use that line already tonight?" "Yeah, so the writers got lazy. Bite me." When Peter talks about his own ex-wife, Amanda, Coop sees the love! "Oh man, you got it bad." Coop says he "only cared about one woman, but she's dead. And if anyone asks, her name's not Kimberly." Peter tries to excuse his earlier behavior when he found out about his new partner -- that was Michael's fault, not Coop's. In fact, he now thinks that "another partner might now be so bad. Two against one, after all." Coop feels he's heard this before!

A weary Michael enters his chief of staff office to find Lip Lass waiting for him. She says, "According to TV, if we have sex again, it'll increase my chances of pregnancy by 32 percent! If Tom Brokaw says so, it must be true!" She rips off his shirt and pushes him on the desk. "No! No! No!" pleads Michael. Yes! Yes! Yes! He succumbs again!

Next Week: Taylor says she really is pregnant! The smarmy Eric arrives in L.A.! Peter gets cozy with new castmember Jamie Luner!

--Ken Hart

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