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Geez, what's up with The Bizarre One? You'd almost think he wants to get caught with Lip Lass! And oh, to suffer the pains and agonies of Pauly Shore during the commercial breaks! Wasn't he sentenced to death after "Bio-Dome"? And now we get the subplot of "Jake Hanson: My Secret Life," guest-starring former "Superboy" star Stacy Haiduk, no less! (Yeah, she starred in "SeaQuest DOA" too, but we'll gloss over that unfortunate bit.) To top it off, The Enquirer spills the rumor that Princess Fergie wants to play a vixen on the series! Oy, my brain hurts like Kimberly's!
The Matt Slot goes to ... Craig! Amanda's slave was lucky to get a line of dialogue this week! His father got more lines in the last episode, and he was dead at the time!
Later, she sees Carter and Kyle in the courtyard. Kyle just gave Carter a job as a waiter at the restaurant. (You know, one of these days Kyle or Jake is going to hire someone who is actually good at their job!) Carter is psyched! "It's just above minimum wage!!" As they return to her place, Syd starts voicing her concerns about the way things are going, but she sees that Carter has made a candlelight dinner for two! (Carter knows how to cook? This seriously compromises his geek status! A computer geek's idea of cooking is dunking a nacho.) He thanks her for everything she's done for him. Syd, moved deeply, purrs, "Forget dinner! You can have me!" Schwing!
A night or two later, Carter the waiter is having some problems. He tells Kyle and Syd he just ruined a cork, forcing Kyle to get another wine bottle for the customers. "I also tripped while carrying out the prime ribs. I hope the flying steak knife didn't cut that lady too deeply." Kyle isn't bent out of shape about it, but Lip Lass is! She tells Carter to either quit or start work as a dishwasher. Carter is awed! "Oh...wow! I'll start right away! Palmolive, I'm soaking in it! Hoo-ahh!" He runs back to the kitchen as Lip Lass stares at the simpleton. She says snidely to Syd, "You sure know how to pick 'em." "Yep," deadpans Syd. "And I'm even better at holding on to them." Zing! Two points for Sydney. Taylor then goes on to insult more customers: "Sucky tie." "Ugly purse." "For cryin' out loud, put a bag over that head!" [See later for more with Lippie.]
At Billy's place, Billy tells Samantha that he's a little concerned that Amanda will give all his good accounts over to Alison now that she's back. Sam, proving once again that she is Billy's perfect match, says, "Ahhh, doy, what's wrong with that?" They hear a motorcycle revving up in the courtyard. Jake is obviously taking a long trip, bags and all. Sam asks him not to leave, but Jake says he'll feel worse if he stays here. He puts on a helmet (is this a first?) and rides off.
At night, a drunken Jake shows up outside an unnamed house at an unnamed portion of the studio lot. It reeks of suburbia! He scowls at the picket fence and kicks it: "I never liked that show anyway! Ray Walston got an Emmy, but did I even get nominated? Nooooo!" An attractive woman runs out of the house and is surprised to see Jake. (Did they give the name of Stacy's character? Ah, the heck with it! She's Lana Lang!) Jake says, "How's my kid?" D'OH! "Upstairs sleeping," she whispers. It's the mother of Jake's boy, not seen in a long time. She's married and says her husband is away on business. Jake hasn't seen Lana or his son, David, in a couple of years (Melrosian translation: Season 1). Seeing Jake's state and realizing the plot would go nowhere if he stayed at a motel, she lets him spent the night in the house.
In the morning, Jake and Lana share lemonade. She wants to know what brought him out here after all this time, but she quickly realizes that it must be because of a woman. (Jake? Having problems with women? Gee, ya think?) Jake's secret son shows up on a bicycle. Thanks to Melrosian Time Compression, he now looks like he's 10 years old. The kid has no idea who Jake is, and Jake introduces himself as an old friend of the family. David asks his mom when Dad is returning, but Lana says he's been delayed. The kid is upset that his father won't see him in the starring role in "Swan Lake."
Billy and Samantha rush to the hospital, apparently in response to a call from Alison. "Daaah, we're here ta see Alison Parker." "Uh, doy, yeah!" Fearing that something's gone wrong with the pregnancy, they split up to find out what happened. Since they did not leave a trail of bread crumbs on the floor, it's doubtful they'll ever see each other again. A nurse hears that Billy is looking for Alison and, thinking that he's the father of the baby, pulls him into an examination room where a doctor places a microphone on Alison's abdomen. She hears a beating sound. "Is that my baby's heartbeat?" she asks in awe. "No," says the doctor. "That's the burrito you had for lunch."
That night, Jake and Lana discuss Old Times and desire for families. Jake says he's always wanted one. Out of the blue, she says, "I think I really needed you to come here." They start kissing! Hello! They snap out of it after a few seconds of lust and tonsil removal, realizing that they both love other people. "So, why did we do that, Jake?" "Oh, well, uh, it's Love Week on Fox, so I guess we have to kiss somebody."
Back at D&D, Billy tries to talk about work with Alison, but she's still dazed by hearing the heartbeat. "There's a baby growing inside me!" "Daah, ya just now figgured this out?" She now thinks that she can be a mother, and a single one at that. She apologizes for the confusion at the hospital, but "after all we've been through, it just seemed appropriate that you be there." "Gaaah, yeah, you got somethin' growin' inside you! I'm still gettin' chills!" They hug in the office, but of course, Samantha just happens to pick That Moment to show up. She painfully sees Billy and Alison embrace. Hey, honey, don't you have a store to run? I'm telling Sydney!
In the morning, Lana tells Jake that David has run off from the friend's house where he spent the night. (Wow, they start young on this show.) Jake goes looking on the motorcycle and finds David on the old railroad tracks. David is just sitting alone and doesn't want to be bothered. Jake praises the kid's father and says he knows what it's like to be angry. David asks Jake if he is a father, and Jake nods, but adds that he had problems with the responsibility. "So you're running away too, huh?" says the kid. "What from?" Sheesh! Give the kid a few bits of dialogue, and he turns into Dr. Joyce Brothers! "Ahh, bite me, Kid Shrink."
That night, he meets a mighty-fine-looking Megan at a fancy restaurant. He tries to smooth-talk her, but she isn't fooled. Shockingly, Michael tells her the truth about Kimberly's request and his response! Megan does not take this news well! She leaps up, whacks into another table, overturns some pasta, and vents her rage at Michael in front of the patrons. Uh, waiter, we'll take that order To Go, please. (Has anyone ever seen a yelling match between couples in a fancy restaurant? I always miss these!)
At Shooter's (The Only Bar in Town), Matt and Nick the Human Spittoon are trying to keep things running while Jake's away on his subplot. (Hey, Nick's working at Shooter's and Kyle's? Sheesh, he might as well join D&D, too. He'll be vice president in a year!) Megan takes a seat at the bar, and Matt says, "Hey, Megan, it's so rare I get to talk to another character! Congratulations on making the opening credits! By the way, I think it's great what you and Michael are doing for Kimberly. Do I annoy you? Am I talking too much? Sorry, it's been all bottled up for the past few weeks!" Megan is clearly depressed and just wants to drink. A guy sits next to her and starts getting chatty. When he propositions her, she overreacts and yells, "Get lost, you dirtbag!" Matt jumps in and shows the guy out, then returns to Megan, who sobs in his arms, "I'm losing Michael and I don't know what to do." "Well, Megan, you're the first woman I've held in years and I'd almost forgotten how nice and squishy you types are."
She wakes up in the morning on Matt's couch and compliments Matt on his kindness. Michael turns up in response to Matt's phone call, and he demands to know what she was doing at Shooter's. She tells him that he's an adulterer, so he'd better shut up! Michael says he's breaking his promise to Kim: He'll have sex with Megan during the day ... and then have sex with Kimberly at night! What a riot! Megan says he sounds like all the Johns from her hooker days. "I hate Kimberly! Grrr!" She tells him to get out. Michael retreats, but adds, "I'm not giving up on us." He then launches into a stunning rendition of David Soul's "Don't Give Up On Us, Baby," backed by a full band and 20 dancers. Bravo!
That night, Megan sits in her car, waiting for Kim to leave the beach house. (Yo, Kim, you got a throbbing temple! Go back home and rest!) As soon Kim steps onto the road, Megan accelerates! But she hits the brakes just before she hits Kimberly. Kim gasps and says, "Megan?! My God, has it come to this?" She tells a distraught Megan she's sorry for what she's going through, but "I really need my life back." Kim, why are you apologizing? You were almost street pizza! Megan mutters, "Damn you, damn you ... I ran out of gas!"
Now for the real BS scene: Dr. Ganglia shows Kim her latest MRI results. Her tumor is shrinking! It's in complete remission. "In all the years I've been scaring patients with X-rays of their brains, I've never seen anything like this!" Kim, elated, says it's all due to the loving treatment she's gotten from her husband. Michael Mancini: The Cure for Cancer! Have sex with him and your tumors will magically disappear!
In the morning, Lip Lass returns to MP and encounters Nick the Human Spittoon, who is already moving out. (Geez, that was quick! One night and he's gone!) Kyle, who had been worried about her absence, is angry. She defiantly says she spent the night in a motel. When Kyle tells her that Nick is out of here, she says, "A day too late." Not the best days for this marriage!
The next day, she sees Kyle packing a small bag. He tells her that he's flying out to Boston. He's got some insurance problems to deal with -- and he also thinks that a couple of days away from each other might be good. Taylor thinks, "Hmm, yes, getting you out of town for a couple of days would be good! MUAHAHAHAHA!" As he leaves, Amanda appears and says that Nick has been approved to take the apartment -- next door! Ha! A fly in the collagen ointment! Taylor throws some pointed Bizarre barbs at Amanda regarding her recent marital problems. C'mon, Amanda, beat her up! And how in the world can Spitty the Waiter afford Amanda's rent?
At the Burns-Mancini offices, Peter is recording a memo regarding finances at the hospital. "As Chief of Staff, I see Wiltshire Memorial closing its doors in several years unless some drastic steps are taken. To save on fabric costs, all nurses between the ages of 20 and 30 are to wear miniskirts...." At that point, Taylor walks in -- looking extremely slinky! She climbs on top of the seated Bizarre One, who sputters, "But Lippie, this is my office!" As they start going at it, Michael walks in! (What is this, "Seinfeld"? Knock, for God's sake!) He gapes and starts to leave, but they say no, and Taylor leaves instead. As soon as she does, Michael smiles at Peter and says, "You're a slut, you!" Peter is not amused, but tells him that Amanda has been messing around with that weasel Craig. Michael says, "Oh, so now you're going with Taylor. That sounds like something I would do!" As a professed expert in these matters, Michael offers his opinion, but Peter clearly doesn't want it. Michael is shocked!
At Kyle's that night (after Taylor chased away Sydney), the Human Spittoon notes the arrival of Peter and coyly says to Taylor, "Hmm, I noticed on the reservations 'Burns, party of one.'" Lip Lass intercepts Peter to tell him that Nick is keeping a close eye on her while Kyle is away. Peter says, "Really?" So he sits at the bar and chats with Nick! He introduces himself and pleasantly invites Spitty to a round of golf, which he accepts. Wow, he's just so Bizarre! However, he then sees Amanda arrive with Craig. His face sours and he immediately leaves. Amanda grabs him and wants to know why he's acting this way. Instead of explaining (which would ruin the story), he simply says the dumb "You know why!" Oh, yeah, that's a big help! Lip Lass then accuses Amanda of chasing Peter away. Amanda glares, then orders Craig, "Come, slave. Let us be off. Stay silent until the next scene. I command it!"
The next night, Taylor gives Nick a hard time because he forgot to make preparations for a large group that just arrived. Craig, sitting at the bar, notes, "It's tough to have a woman as a boss, huh?" Nick sneers, "My boss is Kyle, not that lip-laden hag!" Craig introduces himself and makes the Human Spittoon an offer: He'll give him $1,000 for digging up dirt on The Bizarre One. "No problem." "There's another grand in it if you can get me on a quality show based solely on my acting talent." "Yeah, right! What am I, some miracle worker?"
Later that night, Taylor is closing up the restaurant and she seems a little too eager for Nick to leave, which makes him suspicious. She kicks him out, locks the door, and waits for Peter to sneak in through the kitchens for a "late-night meal." He honestly seems to be looking for food! She jumps on top of him! "But Lippie...mmmm...I am really hungry. Honest!" They quickly stop when they hear someone enter the restaurant. Taylor shoos Peter out the back. Kyle walks in! He came back early because he missed her terribly. Now they start going at it in the kitchen, while a doubly-rejected Peter listens glumly to Taylor making more weird animal sounds!
Next Week: Jake wants a second chance from Alison! Syd and the geek get mugged! Peter and Lip Lass are on Candid Camera!
--Ken Hart
