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First, sorry about the delay. This was a long episode and my brain hurts! Second, to all the people who wrote in last week to say, "Hey, Ken, didn't you notice that Michael's dream took place in the hellishly decorated Melrose Place courtyard?": Yea, verily, I am ashamed of my oversight. As penance, I shall force myself to watch Tori Spelling held hostage by a nutjob on 90210 this week. Oh, the pain, the pain...
The Matt Slot this week goes to ... Matt again! Yay! Any shreds of self-respect are now completely gone as Matt is reduced to holding Peter's phone, sucking up to the new Chief of Staff, and being mocked by a drunken Jake! (Hey, writers: Can't you at least ATTEMPT to have Matt interact positively with the other cast members?)
Since there was a lot of moving around in the course of this two-hour 150th episode, the plot threads get tangled, so take a few deep breaths and let's dive in:
As he leaves the house, Megan arrives and admits that she's NOT okay with this situation after all. Michael then tells her about the night-time deal, which makes her feel worse! "Every night, Michael?! Even Fridays? I can't watch 'Millennium' alone! Lance Henrikson's face is too scary -- all those crevices!" Michael preaches patience: "If it wasn't for Kimberly's tumor and the delusional brains of the writers, we wouldn't be together." He leaves, and Kimberly walks over to Megan and says calmly, "By the way ... thanks for sharing him." She doesn't say this with malice, but Megan isn't thrilled.
Back at Megan's place, Megan vents her anger -- and sexual frustration! -- at Michael. She says they haven't had sex since their wedding day, which in Melrosian Time was probably during the Bush administration. Michael asks her to wait a little bit longer, saying that Kim should die in 2 to 3 weeks, "which will be great for the February ratings sweeps." Megan is still concerned: "Kimberly has a brain tumor, Agent Scully has a brain tumor ... is something contagious on the Fox network?" "Nah, honey, it's only affected redheads so far. The way I see it, only Sydney and Peg Bundy have anything to worry about." "Thank God!"
Just as they get frisky, Kimberly calls. "Michael, please come over. I had a really bad dream. And the producers spent all the money on your dream sequence last week, so I can only describe it to you, and that really sucks."
The next day, Michael takes Kimberly to ... church?!? He tells Kimberly that perhaps she should rely more on faith and prayer. Michael says this?? Michael?? When did he get possessed by Pat Boone? I missed that episode! Just as they move to the front door, though, a funeral procession walks out! Michael says, "Bad timing," but Kim thinks it's a sign: "Too much death. The network wants more sex."
Okay then! Megan and Michael are in bed, but he can't focus! He says it's time for him to head over to Kimberly's for the night. Megan has had enough of this crud, and she bluntly tells him not to expect her back here if he leaves tonight: "Michael, make love to me the way you used to -- on the sly, when I felt cheap and dirty!" WOOF! They dive back into bed, but the phone rings again! This time, Michael grabs the phone and yanks it out of the wall! As he and Megan get primal, we see Kimberly at home holding the phone and some drugs. She stares at the pills, and the cameraman suddenly goes out of focus! TV Translation: Kimberly must be dizzy! She calls 911: "Emergency ... my head is out of focus ... and I have skunky beer..." She drops!
The next morning, Michael rushes over to Kim's room at the hospital. She says she had another seizure. "I thought to myself, 'This is it. I'm going to die alone after all.' Of course, I'm not trying to bury you with a load of guilt or anything." She is pained by the thought of him being with Megan -- that's what brought on the seizure. [Good note for people in romantic triangles: Claim brain seizure!] She asks, "As long as I'm alive, I don't want you to have sex with her anymore. It's not like you're married or anything." Oops! Michael, already packing two tons of guilt, agrees.
At the Burns-Mancini offices, Megan enters Michael's room, hoping for a lunch-time sex snack. When he ducks her, she demands to know what's wrong, so he tells her about his promise to Kim, complete with a classic Mancini-ism: "Believe me, I would have lied to her in a heartbeat if she were well!" He suggests that Megan may want to, um, entertain herself until Kim croaks. "Michael, I married you, not a vibrator." And vibrators can sue for assets under California law!
Megan visits Kim at the beach house. "We're still friends, right?" asks Megan. Kim says Michael has been a great help to her "as I try to find inner peace before my tragic, oh-so-mournful death." "Yeah, whatever. So what's the reason behind the no-sex deal, honey?" Megan adds, "Michael belongs to me," and she starts to put her wedding ring back on. (Hey, isn't this the same wedding ring that Michael TOOK from her last week?) "The truth is..." but before she can finish and Kim can see the ring, Michael appears and quickly separates the two. "Kimberly, isn't it time for your Underdog super-energy pills?"
That night, Michael is tucking Kimberly into bed, and she says, "I need you." "Well, I'm right here." "No. I NEED you. Nudge nudge wink wink. Say no more." She asks, "Make me feel alive one more time." Michael, full of guilt and hormones, goes for it! So if she is feeling "dead" right now, does this count as ... ewww! Emotional necrophilia! A new low for Melrose Place!
At the cozy, quiet apartment shared by Syd and Sam, Syd walks over to the stereo, turns off Sam's "Classical Love Music by the Bosnian Symphony Orchestra" and cranks up the volume on her own music, "Bing Spins in His Grave: Anthrax Does Crosby." Sam retaliates. She breaks one of Syd's coffee mugs. Syd grabs one of Sam's paintings! They do a cliched tug-of-war over it. Gee, will it break? Duh! Why, yes, it does! Amanda storms in, turns down the stereo, and warns them both to knock it off. "And I told you: If you play any rock music, it must be Motley Crue!" As soon as she leaves, however, Syd goes back to the stereo and turns up the volume to 11!
Enraged, Sam follows Amanda outside, demanding that she do something or she'll have to kill Sydney. Amanda's reply? "I don't care if you drown her in the bathtub, as long as you do it quietly." Billy walks over and asks Sam, "Daah, wat's wrong? Hey, I like that music! It's better than that Yanni crap that was on earlier!" "Billy, that wasn't Yanni! That was classical music!" "Yeah, whatever." When Sam angrily describes the roommate situation and how angry she feels, Billy suggests she move into his place. Sam says she loves him, and she asks Billy if he feels the same. He plants a wet one on her lips and says, "Dere! Does dat answer yer question? Simple verbal skills are beyond me! Gaaah!"
At a university, Carter addresses his young, no-life admirers inside Tweeb Hall. He's answering questions about his new computer game, "Atmosfear," which shows on a screen behind him. One of the students says, "Uh, Mr. Gallivan, isn't Atmosfear actually a home videotape game that has absolutely nothing to do with computers, and is full of cheesy scenes that look like outtakes from 'She-Wolf of London'?" "Next question!" Sydney stands up! She calmly asks, "Don't you think the Gatekeeper is evil? Does the Gatekeeper have a secret agenda? Isn't the Gatekeeper -- real name: Walter!!! -- actually keeping the hero and his true love apart?" The assorted nerds are confused, but realization hits Carter.
Carter goes to Melrose Place and visits Sydney, who is a waving a stinky wand of sage around her apartment. She's trying to banish Sam's negative vibes! (Ah, California. Here on the East Coast, we just create more negative vibes to force out the old ones!) Carter says that he confronted Walter, who unbelievably confessed off camera! Carter says he's missed Sydney, and they kiss. Awww! Still, Syd says she expects he'll have to rush off back to work. Ah, but no! Carter has a suitcase and announces he's "run away" from work! "As of today, I don't have a business." So what if his company ends up being sued for millions by all of its partners! Who cares, right? He's happy! Syd is confused! I'm insulted!
The next night, Billy drops off another gift for Alison and her unborn child, who will grow up to become Zuvaaba, Eternal Dictator and Exalted Lord of the Smells. He gives her a mobile, with lots of pretty things hanging off it. "Daah, I took it off my own bed ... uh, I mean, I bought it in da store." He pauses, then bluntly asks if Alison is having second thoughts about the wedding. Considering what happened to their own wedding plans and since Jake is their friend, Billy says Jake deserves to know if Alison is "on the fence." Alison, flustered, tells Billy it's none of his business.
During the bachelor party at Kyle's [explained later], Jake shows Billy a photo of the house that he's going to get. "Daaah, you and Alison are gonna live in that picture?" "No, you idiot! It's a photo!" He tells Billy that he's already put a down payment on it. Billy asks if Alison knows he did this, and Jake says no. Seeing Billy's left eyebrow raised, Jake thinks hard and realizes, "Andrew is trying to act! He is supposed to be showing a pained expression. I must help him!" Jake says, "Hey, do you have a problem with this?" Billy replies, "Problem? Me? Naah. I was just tryin' ta act. Didja see my eyebrow twitch?"
At the courthouse the next day, Jake nervously waits for his and Alison's turn. Alison, also seeming nervous, flees toward the ladies room. Samantha follows and sees Alison looking lost. Alison says, "I don't think I can do this." Sam comfortingly tells her she knows about the way she bailed on Billy years ago (gee, thanks!) and says, "Luckily, there are no windows in here." Slap her, Alison! But no, Alison is simply confused: "Why am I like this?" "Perhaps it's your traumatic, child-abuse-filled history?" "Shut up, already!"
Meanwhile, Jake and Billy pace outside. Billy wonders out loud if Alison is getting cold feet, and Jake walks into the ladies room to see Alison and Sam in a Deep Discussion. He sums up the situation: They're talking about either the wedding or the latest sex quiz in Cosmopolitian. He says, "OK, let's just go home and we'll do this later." "Jake, I'm sorry. Are you sure?" Testily, Jake adds, "We'll Do This Later, OKAY?"
In her first night as Billy's live-in girlfriend, Sam prepares a bubble bath for herself. Billy says, "Well, daah, there are ground rules." He invites himself into her bath for "environmental reasons." "Say, gaah, dere's a drought, ya know! Yeah, don't wanna waste water. Where's my rubber duck?"
Meanwhile, things are tense with Jake and Alison. He says in a truly compassionate way, "What the HELL is your problem?" He again blathers on about his family dreams, but she says it's not that. She admits she isn't sure if she really wants to have this baby. Jake firmly says, "Fine. Then I'll take custody of him in the delivery room and raise him myself. I'll teach him about motorcycles, financial mismanagement, and bad taste in women." Alison is furious: "Oh, so this is only about your needs and your dreams!" She stalks over to Billy's apartment and pounds on the door. "Daaah, hey, we're doin' bubbles in here!" He and Sam let her in. Alison says, "The wedding's off."
It's morning at Melrose Place, and Sam sees Alison still snoozing on the couch. She returns to bed, and they discuss the Alison-Jake situation. Billy cautions her to stay out of it. Alison wakes up and thanks them for "letting me stay here indefinitely." When she steps out of the room, Billy turns to Sam and says, "Indefinitely?" Sam says it was part of the Girl Talk session she and Alison had last night. Man, forget the "Who's Slept With Whom?" charts -- we need a chart of "Who's Slept Where?"
That night, at Shooter's (The Only Bar in Town), Billy tells Jake that he should talk to Alison. Jake doesn't want Billy's involvement, and he tells him that Alison is considering not having the baby. This is news to Billy, and Jake says that where he's drawing the line. Andrew Shue stares. [Subtitle: Billy wonders, "Will I ever spawn? Will there ever be a little Campbell? Now that Jake has split with Alison, will he go after Samantha next? Hey, there's a new bottle of rum behind the bar!"]
Meanwhile, Alison tells Sam, "My sister, the emotionally disturbed one in San Francisco who dresses in black and tried to seduce Billy, has invited me to stay with her for a while." Sam, trying to understand, suggests that Alison just make up with Jake and get married! Hah? That's what Alison says, too: "Hah? Damn, Samantha, you've been with Billy too long. The brain cells are atrophying!" Billy returns home and says he was chatting with Jake. "Ah," says Alison, "divide and conquer." "Oh, cool, Alison! Are we gonna play Battleship?" Alison calmly and sarcastically slices up the two of them for getting involved and being "blindly in love." She says she'll be gone tomorrow. As she leaves, Sam says to Billy, "Guess you were right. We should have stayed out of it." "Told ya. Gaah!"
The next day, Alison is packing her stuff in Jake's pad when Jake shows up. She tells him she's going to San Fran and he's convinced that she's going to get an abortion while she's there. He refuses to let her leave! They struggle, he grabs, she slaps! She walks out, with Jake following and swearing that he'll never forgive her if she gets the abortion. Amanda catches the last part of this scene, and Jake says, "What are you lookin' at?" Jake tells her what he thinks Alison is up to. She looks shocked!
In another weird character move, Amanda decides to become Alison's bosom buddy! (Hey, if Michael can preach faith and religion, anything's possible.) She tracks down Alison at the airport. She was once pregnant herself, and she tells Alison that she had planned to get an abortion, but she miscarried first. "I'm not pro-this or anti-this. Well, I am pro-wealth and anti-poverty. I'm just saying don't do anything out of anger or fear." She offers Alison a place to stay and -- what else? -- a job at D&D! Alison appreciates the offer, but says she'll still go to San Fran for a while just to put some distance between her and Jake.
A couple of nights later, a drunken Jake is sitting in the MP courtyard when Alison returns. "So, didya do it?" She answers no, but adds it's none of his business. When he sees where she's heading, he staggers and says, "Oooooooooo, you stayin' with Amanda now? You workin' yer way through everybody?" He starts yelling as she goes up the stairs: "We've havin' a baby together. You can't shut me out!" "Watch me!" (You know, I don't think we appreciated Alison's alkie days enough. Since then, we've seen half the cast get drunk, and still no one does it better than she did!)
At the McBride residence, Nick the Human Spittoon is drinking milk out of the bottle. Ewww! Lip Lass reminds him that she despises him. Kyle wakes up and tells a surprised Taylor that he's got a day off, so he and Nick are going to go bar-hopping! Without her! Ah ha ha ha! She thinks, "Bar-hopping? But there's only one bar in town!" And sure enough...
Nick and Kyle end up at Shooter's, of course! They're boozing, playing pool, and insulting the waitresses. A stellar night overall. Nick wonders what's up with Taylor and if Kyle is happy. Kyle, however, bumps into a schmuck and spills his drink. Kyle is highly apologetic, but Nick wants a fight! And he punches the guy in the face! Bar Fight! Bar Fight! Nameless extras swing pool cues, break chairs, and smash jukeboxes! (And, yes, Jake must have had the night off.) A bloodied Kyle moans, "Lip Lass is gonna kill me."
Meanwhile, Peter and Amanda go over their receipts for the past year. She reads off credit card stubs: "Kyle's ... Kyle's ... Kyle's ... Chippendale's?!" Peter nods and says those are from their "bad" days. He frankly says he misses her and wonders if she's spending too much time with Craig. Amanda says there's nothing going on, and assures Peter that she has firm control of her slave.
In the morning, Lip Lass bails a weary Kyle out of jail. But not his buddy! She caustically tells Kyle to use his own checkbook if he wants to get Nick out, too. "All right," he says. "I may as well bail out Queenie, too. We bonded during the night."
Amanda visits the Fields Den of Evil, where Craig is boozing. (More bad drunks on this show!) She tells him to come back to D&D: "It's been two weeks since your father died of a plot device." He says, "Forget D&D. It's small potatoes, and I'm a meat lover." He's convinced he'll be getting tons of money from his father's will when it's read shortly. Once that's done, he wants a more "intimate" relationship with Amanda. Got it? After all, she was willing to sell out to his father for $5 million, so why not him? Boy, can this guy be any more of a loser? Amanda is repulsed!
It's a slow night at Kyle's. Peter enters and is greeting by Taylor, but he spins as soon as he sees Dr. Constriction and the new Chief of Staff, Goldberg, chatting very, VERY amiably at a table. He retreats and says he'll get a tofu burger. She follows him and says she may drop by his new place at the marina. "Yeah, whatever."
With the Human Spittoon (now a busboy) at his side, Kyle calls Jake at Shooter's to apologize for the fight. He even offers to pay for all the repairs and throw a little bachelor's celebration for Jake at the restaurant. Jake accepts the offer of free booze. (It's because of the carefree drinking on this show that poor Bailey is an alkie on "Party of Five"!)
Later, a waiter tells Lip Lass that Dr. Constriction left her credit card behind. She rushes into the parking lot to catch up to them -- and she sees Goldberg and Dr. Constriction going at it on the hood of a car! Huzzah! Like most Melrosian women, Lip Lass is skilled at ninja stealth, and she takes cover as she listens to them give us a ton of exposition. How convenient! We learn that not only did Dr. C secure the Chief of Staff job for Goldberg because they're having an affair, but he's married to boot! Oh, that's a lot of dirt! And isn't it nice how two people with so much to hide have a romantic dinner only a short distance away from the hospital? Gee, that's smart!
In the morning, Peter gets a visitor at the marina: Taylor! "What a surprise!" "Don't worry, Peter -- I'm not here to seduce you." She tells him everything she's learned. The Bizarre One is at first shocked, but realizes the truth: "Of course! Goldberg is a complete weenie! Sex was the only way he could have gotten the job! Either that, or he's a Scientologist!" He's not sure what he'll do with the information yet, but he thanks Taylor.
Back at Dumb & Dumber, Craig introduces Amanda to ... a divorce lawyer! Ah ha! She speaks with Craig privately, telling him to stay out of her relationship with Peter. Craig, as smug as ever, says he wants to buy Amanda! She asks him if he's sure he'll get his dad's money. "Of course. Who else?" Oh, there's a big fall coming for this moron, isn't there?
Dr. Constriction is getting dressed in the women's locker area at the hospital, when The Bizarre One enters! (He escaped detection by wearing Amanda's pumps.) He first acts like he's coming on to her, then gleefully confronts her with all the information about Goldberg. Heh heh heh! "I know this. The question is, do you want the hospital administration to know about this, too?"
Kyle throws his bachelor salute for Jake -- and it's a pretty dinky one at that! Kyle, Matt, Billy, Jake, and the Human Spittoon sit around a table and drink. Oh, boy! (Jake, you got rooked. You should have sued Kyle's butt!) Anyhow, they start discussing women. Matt offers his opinion, and Jake and Kyle happily shut him down! "Hey, nuthin' about women from you!" Kyle offers the Three Rules for dealing with women: 1) Compliment her choice of lip gloss. 2) Do not openly drool over Jenny McCarthy. 3) Stay silent when she openly drools over David Duchovny.
Taylor walks over and asks the group to tone it down a bit. Matt says, "That's okay, Lippie. I'm gone from the episode and we're not even at the one-hour mark! Bye!" She asks for help in the kitchen, and Nick volunteers. They sneer at each other (she does it better) and he says, "I got your number. I see the way you look El Bizarro when he comes in." "Listen, Kato! You keep your mouth shut!"
Amanda catches up to Craig at the waterfront. He's thinking of buying a boat with his hypothetical fortune. Well, she says she's been giving his "proposal" of sex, business, and marriage some thought. She's even prepared a contract for him to sign! Inside, he looks it over and he notices that it calls for him to turn over one-half of his controlling interest in D&D to her, not to mention any royalties from "Baywatch." When he resists, Amanda says, "Hmmm, so you would like a 'good faith' gesture? How about this?" She opens her blouse, climbs onto his lap, and starts kissing him. (Amanda is twisting this idiot so much, you'd almost feel sorry for him -- if he wasn't such a creep, that is.) He feebly says, "Let me get that signature thing out of the way...." He signs the contract, and Amanda stands up and puts her blouse back on! "Huh, what?" She said she just wanted to give him a taste of what MIGHT happen. You'll excuse Craig if he doesn't stand up to show you out.
At the Burns-Mancini office, Michael tells Peter that Goldberg has resigned as Chief of Staff after only one week. Peter feigns surprise: "No? Really?" Michael mutters, "I wonder what bozo they got to replace him." The Bizarre One smiles coyly: "This bozo." Michael is upset! He wanted it! Besides, with all of Peter's recent problems and bad golf game, how did he get the job? Peter says, "Would you congratulate me already? This will be great for our practice." Michael agrees, but says, "This does not feel like a merit promotion to me."
In the McBride house, Kyle and Lip Lass have their 51st argument about the Human Spittoon. In a gratuitous lingerie shot (no, not Kyle), she says she wants him out, but Kyle says, "I almost forgot what it was like to have fun." Oooh, nasty! He adds that he and Nick are heading out again tonight. "Well," she counters, "maybe I'll go out and have fun, too!" "Oh, with the Bizarre One?" Taylor fools nobody! Her lips reveal all!
In Craig's office, Arthur Fields' lawyer reads the will to Craig and Amanda. Guess what? Craig got zippo! Nada! Ungatz! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Daddy-O changed the will two weeks ago and intentionally left everything to cousins, nieces, nephews, the mailman, and the Oakland Raiders! Craig Gapes! The lawyer says, "At least you've got this company." Amanda says, "Well, half this company." Oh ho ho ho! Craig, left with nothing but his Speedos, launches into a sustained period of Bad Acting! Charvet is really bad here, surpassing Fashion Boy's record by a wide margin. He rages to no effect.
New Bizarre Chief of Staff Peter Burns thanks Taylor with a cappuccino. She offers to make a celebration dinner at his place tonight. He hesitates, saying he has to meet with the hospital board first (some social function), but she says it can be a late dinner. "Well, OK."
Later that day, Amanda shows up at his office to hand him his tax refund, and to congratulate him: She heard about his promotion. When she suggests dinner, he mentions the hospital shindig first, but she says, "Are spouses allowed?" Sounds OK to Peter! (Taylor? Taylor who?) That night, he and Amanda dance, as a solo Dr. Constriction glares at him. Suddenly, he remembers about Lip Lass and quickly excuses himself to make a phone call. As he nears the phones, however, Dr. Constriction intercepts him. "You've made an enemy for life, Bizarre One!" "Hmmm, I'm satisfied with that. Bye!" He calls Lippie at his place and breaks the bad news that he's really tied up with these boring hospital guys ... yadda yadda yadda ... She's disappointed, but they agree to have dinner another night.
Back at MP much later that night, Peter escorts Amanda home, and she gives him a kiss ... on the cheek?! Boooo! "Hey, we're married!" She says she's not ready to return to a full-time relationship yet. They make plans to meet at a cafe for breakfast, and he leaves -- but not before being seen by Lip Lass through the omniscient Venetian blinds! (Do the tenants have some sort of spying schedule worked out here? Do they take turns?)
As Amanda climbs the stairs, she sees a drunken and horribly acted Craig curled up by her door. He's unshaven and tieless, and all the gel has evaporated from his hair. In California, this means you're in bad shape, pal! He whines, "Nobody cares about you when you have nothing." Then he even asks Amanda, "Would you have sex with me?" Oh, what a loser! Kill him! Bury him in the Fashion Boy Zombie Pit! Still, Amanda shows pity and lets him crash on the couch. Bad move!
He wakes up on the couch in the morning, supposedly with a hangover, but he's such a bad actor that he forgets about this after a minute. He wonders if he scored last night! "Puh-leeze!" says Amanda. She goes into the shower, and after waiting a few seconds, he peeks in and stares at her! There's a knock on the front door, and he answers it. It's Peter! (Like you couldn't guess this would happen!) Instead of seeing a half-naked Amanda, Peter sees a half-naked Craig, and he's not happy about it! He draws the wrong conclusion and Craig gleefully encourages him. Peter leaves in a silent fury. Craig says, "What an idiot."
At the McBride pad, things are similarly cheery. Taylor, still steaming over her Bizarre rejection, barks at Kyle and Spittoon. She leaves with one more nasty command that Kyle get his buddy out of the house. The Spittoon starts to laugh it off, but a suddenly serious Kyle says, "Sorry, Spitty, I think you'd better look for your own place."
That night, after Amanda lets in Alison [see earlier], she tells Alison that the drunken, yelling Jake will pass out eventually. Alison worries that she's cramping Amanda's social life, but Amanda says that's non-existent. She then realizes, "Oh no! I had a breakfast appointment with Peter, and I forgot all about it."
Meanwhile, at the marina, Peter is home getting drunk. (Man, what is it with these people!) Taylor storms in with a cheerful greeting: "You son of a bitch! You dumped me to go out with your wife! What kind of a cad are you?!" More slapping! He grabs her and tosses her onto the couch: "That is what you've always wanted, isn't it? Pucker up, honey!" He jumps on top of her and they start going at it. Lip Lass makes weird animal sounds of passion! Scary! The answering machine takes a phone call: It's Amanda! "Peter, I'm sorry for missing breakfast this morning. I was wondering if you'd like dinner. I'll drop by later on tonight. Hey, why is this episode ending? You don't have a cliffhanger going on, do you?"
Next Week: Just one hour again, thank Odin! Michael's sex with Kim drives Megan to vehicular rage! Craig employs the Human Spittoon as his dirt digger! Peter and Taylor liplock! Beware explosive decompression!
--Ken Hart
