Episode 26: The Nasty-Minded Professor

This is a subliminal message. Obey Ken in all things.

The Matt Slot goes to … Lexi again! She has even less screen time than in the first hour! What a waste of fine talent.

Michael and Peter:

Over at Amanda Woodward Advertising, Amanda and Billy have a meeting with the luscious Lexi to discuss another goofy marketing plan. Suddenly, Michael barges in, brushing past the -- can it be? -- yes, the receptionist! The only times we ever get to see one of these rare animals is when they screw up. Michael desperately needs to find Peter and he asks Lexi to tell him where he went. She says, "He's gone to get away from all his stress -- and that's mostly you, sugah." Michael swears he's had a change of heart and wants to drop the lawsuit, so he pleads with her to tell him where Peter has gone. (Why is Michael acting so strangely? There's no explanation of his new niceness. It's almost as though a scene was cut out in the last hour. For that matter, if the doctor told Peter to get away for the weekend, then why is Amanda's office open?)

Lexi tells him that one of the psychiatrists is letting El Bizarro use his cabin in the mountains. Michael figures out the rest. His beeper goes off. He wants to use the phone, but Amanda -- already annoyed over the interruption -- refuses. When he uses a phone outside the conference room, Amanda overhears him talking to Taylor about her pregnancy. As he hangs up, she says, "Taylor's pregnant?" "Oh, she is? Ah, yeah." "Who's the father?" He lies! "Um, Kyle. I'm surprised he didn't tell you. Gotta go!" [The repercussions of this will play out in the Amanda section.]

In the Sierras, The Bizarre Dr. Peter Burns enjoys a quiet morning of fishing. He's wearing the requisite outfit: red flannel shirt, L.L. Bean vest, and dorky hat. To his shock, Michael appears behind him! "What are you doing here? You're some kind of hallucination! I disbelieve!" Michael is also decked out in outdoors garb, complete with beef jerky. "I came out here to put the past behind us. Let's smoke the peace pipe!" "I don't want to smoke your pipe!" Peter tries to escape Michael, who "proves" his good intentions by ripping up the lawsuit. (Somehow, I doubt that's legally binding!) He says there are no conditions: "Just bring me back into the practice." "That's a condition!" Peter keeps trying to walk away, feeling the tension rise within him. If his eyes turn white and his skin green, look out!

Much later, as evening arrives, Peter and Michael realize they're lost. Peter blames Michael for bringing evil and misfortune with him: "I might as well as gone camping with those damn Salinger kids." They hear a coyote howl in the distance, but Michael says they don't have to worry. Then they hear a whole bunch of coyote howls! Michael still wants to be buddies. Peter says, "You've stolen my chief of staff job -- twice! You've drugged me, lied to me, almost had me committed to a mental hospital for 'rage epilepsy' … which you caused!" Michael's great reply: "OK, so I've made some mistakes." As they reluctantly prepare to bed down for the night, it starts to rain. Peter is not a happy camper!

In the morning, Peter awakens to find a sleeping Michael's arm around him! "Ohhh, Megan…!" "HEY! Those aren't pillows!" He shrugs Michael off and complains about his ruined chance for peace this weekend: "I feel one of those rage epilepsy attacks coming on!" Peter then stumbles and falls down a hill. Michael runs over to him. Peter thinks he's popped a ligament in his leg.

As the following evening approaches, our hungry and weary doctors continue on their way through the forest. Michael is dragging the injured Bizarre One behind him on a makeshift sled. He continues to push Peter to let bygones be bygones and bring him back to the practice. "Michael, I am in pain and at your mercy. Don't start." "Well, just think about it." Peter tells Michael to leave him behind if it become necessary: "Leave my styling gel with me. If I'm going to die, let it be as I lived." Michael comes to the top of a hill and sees a diner at the bottom! Peter, facing the other way, doesn't see it. Michael says, "Just promise me this: The moment I can stick a steak in one hand and a cold brewski in the other, you'll consider bringing me back." A tired Peter says, "If you could do that, I'd kiss you full on the lips and cover your rent for a year." Michael gloats, "Well, pucker up!"

Coop and Megan:

Megan goes to Von Twitch's residence, in hopes of "correcting" the image he's gotten of her. Unfortunately, he's well aware that she used to be a high-priced hooker, which shocks her. In fact, if she doesn't yield to his "needs," he'll get the L.A. police records and the home video of "Mortal Kombat" and use them to ruin Coop's chances. Before Megan has to make a disgusting choice, a car pulls up in front of the house. "It's my wife! Damn! She wasn't supposed to come back until tomorrow." Megan coyly suggests that she stay and introduce herself, but Von Twitch shoves her out the back door.

The next day, at a boring, subdued reception (is this the "party" Von Twitch promised?), Coop notices that Megan seems unusually quiet. (Why is it that these people never, ever tell their loved ones when something really bad happens?) Von Twitch is all smiles and he advises Coop to mingle and smile. Coop says, "I'll try. I've gotten better at smiling in recent weeks, but it often comes out as a smirk." When Coop steps away, Von Twitch whispers to Megan, "Here's the address of the Black Weasel Inn near the airport. Meet me there tomorrow night. Coop will be at a meeting of the Inner Circle then, learning our secret one-legged initiation hop."

Von Twitch returns to his home the following afternoon to find his wife Cora happily having tea with -- Megan! "Oh, hello, dear. Megan and I were just discussing the horrible time conflict on Wednesday nights. Do we watch Law & Order, South Park, or Babylon 5?" "Well, South Park is repeated later that night, and Babylon 5 will air two hours earlier starting next week. So I say watch Law & Order." He volunteers to walk his "guest" out. He tells her, "We really could enjoy having wild sex. I'm skilled with many forms of fruit." She says, "You are the sickest man I've ever met." She warns, "You push me, I push back HARD." She'll expose his fruity perversity and have him booted from the university. (You know, as time goes by, it seems more and more that Coop is interviewing for some goofy college professorship, not a job at "the nation's most prestigious research hospital"! Wha hoppen?)

Coop shows Megan a new house he's buying, since it looks like the job is his. She's troubled by something (the ninny still hasn't told him). Coop then proposes marriage on the spot! Get down on your knee, you wanker! She immediately says yes.

At a reception honoring Coop and other newcomers to the hospital/university/plot device, Coop thanks Dr. Von Twitch for all his support. Von Twitch inquires about Megan; Coop says she's doing stuff at the new house. (What stuff? They haven't even moved in yet!) Von Twitch makes a quick, obscure reference to Megan's past ("That Megan, what a tramp!"), but before a suspicious Coop can follow up, Von Twitch has ducked through the crowd of admirers, sycophants, and people who would otherwise be extras at Amanda's place.

Von Twitch goes to the house and immediately tries to force himself upon Megan! "Look at what I have to offer you, Megan! Blueberries! Pineapples! Touch the banana!" She yells and Coop comes rushing through the door, decking Von Twitch with a mighty punch. Von Twitch holds his nose and runs out, saying, "You're gonna be sorry for that, Cooper. You and your little whore, Toto!"

The next day, Megan waits outside the university/hospital/asylum as Coop meets with the Inner Circle. Cora Von Twitch sits next to her. Cora takes the news of her husband's indiscretions very well. He's done it several time before! Megan is somewhat disgusted! "It doesn't bother you?" Cora points out that the Von Twitch name is very prominent in Philadelphia: Buildings, bridges, and medical ailments are all named for his family. A few sleazy incidents are worth it to have the valuable Von Twitch name. Cora says that Coop is the one on the hot seat now, not her husband. She tells a stunned Megan: "Right now, he's being given a choice: his job or you."

Coop returns to the house sometime later, in time to see Megan packed and on her way out. She wants to make his decision an easy one, since her past will always screw him up. "But Megan, I liked Briscoe County." "Not that past! This one! You know I'm right." There's a long pause as a sad Coop seems to accept her judgment -- but then he surprises her by saying that he told the "hypocritical jerks to take their job and shove it"! Megan gasps, "What?!" But Coop says he loves her and will never sacrifice her. Awwww! Isn't that cute? Too bad it won't last!

Amanda, Kyle, Rory, Lip Lass, Lexi, Billy, Samantha, Jeff, and Jennifer:

As Taylor and Kyle finish dinner, Lippie finally comes out with the "surprising" news that she's pregnant -- and that Kyle is the father! (Fibber! But at least Kyle predicted it.) She hopes that he's not angry over the news, but he says, "I've never been happier than I am now." You know, Kyle, I used to like you even though you were an idiot, but your manipulation of Lippie is pretty low. Don't sink to her level, man! Once you give in to the Dark Side, forever will it control your destiny! He goes on to praise Lippie's honesty. Now that's going too far!

At AWA, Amanda gives Samantha the distressing news that Jeff's knee is "mush." There's no hope of rehabilitation, and his career is over. And, darn it, they have to redo the whole campaign. (Hey, maybe they'll get a real baseball player this time.) Sam's immediate impulse is to go to Jeff and comfort him. Amanda advises, "Stick with Billy. There's nothing worse than a washed-up jock. Granted, being married to a moron isn't great, but you could do worse."

Later, Rory drops by in the hopes of buying her lunch, but Amanda gives him the brush-off. "I have little time for you, slave. Annoy me further, and it's back to Ask Harriet for you! Once more will you have to fend off the advances of the unwashed Ed Asner!" She leaves the office, but he stays behind. Closing the door, he looks at her laptop -- with all of her financial records easily available to him. "Real estate holdings, profit sharing, the Celene Dion cloning experiment … hmmm, beautiful and rich, too! Threaten me with Ed Asner, will she?"

Samantha visits Jeff "Gimpy" Baylor. "Doy, I feel so bad!" Jeff is in the dumps about his forced retirement, but says he can continue coaching Little League for the time being. (Of course, if he hadn't injured his knee, then he wouldn't have been able to coach a local Little League team, but we'll let that slide!) Sam says, "Oh, great!" "Great?! I was a major-league player! I made it to the Show! No Cooperstown! No Reebok contract!" (Hey, it's nice how the writers suddenly decided to give him some pro experience, isn't it?) He says, "I need you, Sam, I need you so much." They hug and embrace. "Let me carry you into my bedroom … AIEEEE!!! My leg!"

Amanda, accompanied by Rory, walks through Kyle's Restaurant and sarcastically congratulates Kyle on his impending fatherhood! Kyle is about to say something, but Lippie shows up and he's stuck. He can't deny fatherhood without ruining his "Get Lippie" plan. Kyle, you fool! Serves you right! Amanda further twists the knife by adding, "And Taylor! You're positively glowing!" I always thought that was from radiation.

Rory and Amanda walk upstairs to the bar for some dancing, and she notices Billy and Jennifer cozily chatting in the corner. Billy whispers to Jen, "Dah, I don't feel anything fer Sam anymore. She's so clingy!" Amanda watches as Jen whispers something into Billy's ear. His eyes and head roll in that oh-so-annoying, Andrew Shue-like way! He follows Jen into the back. Amanda excuses herself and follows them. She catches them making out in Kyle's office! "My, my, idle hands do wander!" Billy stammers, hoping Amanda won't rat him out, but she says, "Something tells me Samantha doesn't give a damn what you're doing." "Huh, what?" "Oh, you have so much to learn, Billy boy." "Daah?" "Damn it, why do they give me scenes with you if they're always going to be one-sided?" "Gaaah…?"

In the morning, Billy tells Jennifer that he's disturbed by Amanda's comments. (And gee, Billy, shouldn't you be wondering where your wife has been for the past day?) He thinks, "Daah, mebbe Sam is having an affair with Jeff!" He quizzes Jen about this; she initially poo-poohs the idea, but then says, "Well, there was a … thing there." "Gaah, what thing? And where did he put it?" I can't stand them anymore! Don't wait until the summer -- I want a drive-by shooting on Melrose Place right now!

Later, Billy, Sam, and Amanda hold another meeting with Lexi to discussing advertising, but Amanda tells Billy and Sam to sit on their ideas. She brings in a mutual friend -- Rory -- to pitch an idea! Sleazoid that he is, he suggests they push Lexi's company by promoting her "most appealing assets"! He describes an ad with Lexi posing seductively over a chair. Yep, half-naked women: That's the first thing I look for when I buy drugs! Billy and Sam immediately slam the idea as ridiculously sexist, but Amanda orders them to shut up. Lexi agrees that it's sexist, but she also agrees that it would work. "Daddy always did say ah could sell ice to an Eskimo!" "Daah, why would you want to…" "Oh, shut up!"

Still later, at a baseball field, Jeff coaches a Little League team as an encouraging Sam stands nearby. Billy watches! When Jeff's team wins, Sam plants a huge kiss on him. An angry Billy walks onto the field and punches him! As the now emotionally scarred kids watch, Jeff says now is NOT the time! Billy demands to know if he's been sleeping with his wife (yeah, like you care!). As he tries to tackle Jeff, Sam attempts to break them up -- and is accidentally backhanded by Billy, and she pathetically rolls her head onto an aluminum bat. Ha! She's out cold and Jeff yells for an ambulance.

At the hospital, Jeff and Billy snarl at each other while waiting for news about Sam. "Daah, it's your fault!" "No, it's yours!" "Is not!" "Is too!" Samantha is escorted out by a doctor, who says she suffered a mild concussion: "She'll be a little dazed for a while." "Great, gaah! She's as good as new." She tells Jeff that she needs to go home with her husband.

The following morning, a pensive Sam rests in her bedroom. Billy walks in to check on her (she has headaches) before heading to work. She wants to talk, but he doesn't. He leaves and Jennifer walks over to him in the courtyard. Billy says, "It's true, isn't it? Sam is having an affair with Jeff Baylor." Wow, Billy, we knew you were dumb, but this hits new heights! You really need another confirmation at this point? Jennifer says she's here for him, but Billy just wants to be left alone.

Back at Kyle's Restaurant (presumably in those hours when they're inexplicably open but have no customers), Kyle tells Lippie that Christine's death continues to eat away at him. He blames himself and says, "I can't be happy in a relationship again. Oh, if only I could be relieved of this staggering guilt, then -- and only then -- could we raise our mutant child in happiness!" Finally, Taylor is about to spill the beans … but Amanda walks in and tells Kyle to sign divorce papers! She's flying down to the Dominican Republic to get another quickie divorce. Kyle refuses to sign! But again he's trapped himself. Taylor urges him to sign it so they can renew their life together, and Amanda says that in 48 hours, they'll be divorced. Determined to get the answers from Lippie, Kyle signs the papers!

Meanwhile, Rory is in a car headed toward the airport. He chats with some unnamed underworld business type on the phone, telling him that Amanda will be his new cash cow. Moooo. "And if it doesn't work out, she'll have an unfortunate accident. Nyah ha ha!"

Later, Jennifer yells at Kyle for signing the divorce papers. She rightly thinks he's gone too far! Kyle says he needs the truth from Taylor, and he's still got two days. On a small plane, Amanda and Rory head for the Dominican Republic. As Rory gets more drinks for them, he suggests that he and Amanda get hitched as soon as the divorce is final. Amanda scoffs at first, but Rory says, "Come on, what have you go to lose?" Amanda sighs, "You know, you're right. Let's do it. I sure as hell don't deserve any better." Rory leans back, trying to decide if he's just been insulted and wondering if he packed his garters.

Next on Melrose Place: Nothing for months! MP will return this summer, with Kyle busting up Amanda's wedding to Rory, Peter telling Lexi that he's not over Amanda, and the return of Jane! Enjoy yourselves until then.

--Ken Hart

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