Episode 25: M.P. Confidential

This is a subliminal message. Obey Ken in all things.

OK, brace yourselves for the long gap -- MP will be gone for a while. If these last two hours are any indication, it should stay far, far away until the writers and producers get their acts together. Frankly, this has been the most disappointing season to date. Even though Season 4 went Way Out with the nutty Kimberly/Betsy plot and the "ghost" of Brooke, at least it was entertaining! Season 6 has been a big yawn; fortunately, the major snooze-inducers are quitting or getting the boot.

Since it was easy to spot the split, I'll do each hour as an individual recap. Click here or at the end for the recap of the second hour, "The Nasty-Minded Professor."

The Matt Slot goes to … Lexi, who again just can't get a decent script! Honey, catch that first plane back to Savannah!

Billy, Samantha, Jennifer, and Jeff:

Leaving Billy's sex-exhausted carcass in bed, a slippers-clad Samantha walks across the courtyard to Jennifer's pad. Jen, obviously expecting Billy, opens the door in a skimpy slip! Sam snidely says, "Expecting someone else?" Sam doesn't say she knows about Jennifer and Billy, but Jen can't miss the tone. Sam says, "My period of confusion is over. Doy, sure it's been several months, so it's more of a 'season of confusion,' but I won't get picky. I'm going to make my marriage with Billy work." Jennifer replies, "Oh-gee-Sam-that-is-great. See-how-excited-I-am." Sam gets testy when Jennifer refers to their "friendship," so she gives Jen one more zinger: "Billy and I just had great sex. So if his eye was beginning to wander, it's not anymore. Doy, his mind will continue to wander, but I can't do anything about that."

The next day, Jennifer goes to Jeff Baylor's place. "Hi, Jeff, I'm Jennifer, Samantha's best friend. I'm here to help you break up her marriage." She tells him that he scared Sam with his crazy marriage talk and that Sam is regretting their breakup. She "knows" that Sam will fall into his arms again if they see each other again, and she'll arrange it. Hey, everyone, look! They remembered to give Jeff a limp!

Later, Billy and Jennifer sit at … someplace! It's a round table against the wall that looks like it was left over from some 1960's, Batman-style disco. The budget must have been tight this week! Or, with Shue and Milano both on the way out, maybe the director said, "Ahhh, screw it. Just give 'em a table up against the wall." Billy is confused and frustrated by Sam's sudden intensity. Jennifer says, "You're sympathetic and mindless. I'm manipulative and vapid. We are so right together! Besides, how do you know Sam won't swing back the other way?" "Gaaah, wat? You mean, go gay and live with Connie?" "No! I mean be cold and distant." "Ohhh…! Well, I don't deserve this. I'm a caring, emotional guy who can articulate my needs. Daaah!" They kiss passionately. Jen tries to get her to delay his trip home, but Billy's eyes glaze over. "Daah, restless, can't sleep, gotta run." "Billy, that was last week." "Uh, okay. Gotta run."

Meanwhile, at Amanda Woodward Advertising, Sam is working late, and Jeff manages to get through the intricate security and work his way up to the vacant offices without her knowledge. She's shocked to see him and says she plans to rededicate herself to her marriage. Jeff replies, "You're doing this out of guilt and fear." "Doy, no! If I had any fear, do you think I would have agreed to star in a TV series based on Sandra Bullock's The Net?" "Well, no, I thought you did that because you're dumb." He adds, "All the hiding, the running away, the premise that advertising agencies care about a minor-league baseball player … it's all gotta stop." "It HAS stopped," says Sam. She won't go back to him, and Jeff leaves.

Jeff goes to Upstairs the following evening and tells Jennifer that it didn't work. (Gee, Jeff, did it occur to you that maybe Jennifer was lying?) He's ready to give up, but Jen doesn't yield, saying that Sam's walls are already crumbling! "Let's work on Plan B." They go downstairs to the restaurant (hey, isn't she supposed to be working upstairs?). Shortly after they sit down to plan, Billy and Sam enter Kyle's restaurant. They spot Jen and Jeff and wonder what's going on. They walk over, briefly say hi, and grab another table. Jen whispers to Jeff that this presents an unexpected opportunity: They'll play the old jealousy card. They start giggling and smiling like they're on a date. (That should be a clear giveaway! First dates are tense things: No one giggles!) Sam and Billy watch out of the corner of their eyes, and Sam quickly excuses herself to the ladies room. Jen follows her. Sam then demands, "Doy, what are you doing with the man I'm having an affair with?" "Why, are you jealous?" Jennifer smugly says, "You can't have both of them." They teasingly push each other! When Sam suggests that Jen is thinking of blackmail, Jen slaps her! "Blackmail?! That was Sydney's gig! My gig is whimsical romantic attachments, no matter how hopeless -- and don't you forget it!"

Billy and Jennifer go for an evening walk the next day. "Daah, Sam is blowin' hot and cold." "You mean she's shifting back and forth in the way she treats you?" "No, I mean she's really blowin' hot and cold. I told her ta stop before she hyperventilates." Jennifer says that Billy has also been less than consistent with his emotions. "Gaah, all my emotions are directed toward you -- all two of them!" As they gaze upon each other, she says, "I don't want to get hurt." "I don't want you to get hurt, either. It's a good thing we're on dis path to emotional devastation. Gaah." They embrace in their newfound love. Blech.

Amanda, Kyle, Lip Lass, Rory, Michael, and more Jennifer:

Michael makes a late-night visit to Taylor's apartment (witnessed by Jennifer upstairs). He brings his bag to check on Lip Lass' condition. "The rest of your body is swelling. Soon your mouth will no longer look as freakish." "What a relief! Hey, isn't it amazing how much my belly has grown considering I didn't know I was pregnant until yesterday?" "Yeah, wild, ain't it?" She is thrilled about the pregnancy, and even more so when Michael lets her listen to her stomach on the stethoscope. "Hear that, Taylor? It's the sound of your passport off this show." "Thank God! For the first time in a really long time, I've got hope."

As Kyle walks out of his apartment in the morning, Lippie greets him and again thanks him for the other day. When she says she misses his cooking, Kyle says, "Uh, why don't I cook dinner for you tonight and we'll eat in the kitchen." Taylor happily retreats to her pad. Jennifer sees Kyle, who tells her that the plan is working. He hopes to get the Christine/Nick truth soon. Jen is starting to feel guilty about this! (Oh yeah, she doesn't feel guilty about betraying her "best friend," but she does feel bad about misleading a woman she admittedly hates!) Kyle says that if Taylor was involved at all in Christine's death, "she doesn't deserve one iota of mercy."

At Amanda Woodward Advertising, Samantha tells Amanda that this Rory guy is bad news. "Gosh, his face is like way too pointy. And, doy, you're married!" Amanda rightfully scoffs, "From you, a lecture on fidelity." She says she's determined to punish herself over Christine's death. (Don't you love it when TV characters can perfectly psychoanalyze their problems but refuse to do anything about it?) She orders, "Get out of here before I fire you." Ha! C'mon, Sam, dare her! It'll never hold up in court!

In the kitchen at Kyle's, Kyle is as good as his word, making a fine dinner for himself and Lippie. He tries to steer the conversation toward secrets: "You can't keep a secret from me." (Recent history suggests you're wrong, Bucko!) Taylor says, "OK, it's true -- I never stopped loving you." "Drat! I mean, great!" Jennifer walks over with a bottle of vintage champagne, but Taylor won't have any. Hmmmm…. Kyle suggests they should get extra help and he remembers that she had mentioned Nick a while back. Lip Lass suddenly tenses up and says that Kyle was absolutely right in initially rejecting her silly idea.

Jennifer confronts Michael in the beach house and demands to know what's going on with him and Taylor. She's already figured out most of it. Michael confirms that Lippie is pregnant. "It's gets better. There's a 1 in 3 chance I'm the father." Jennifer grits her teeth in frustration.

Amanda treats the smarmy Rory to wine at her place and he plants a big kiss on her, which she returns. He says, "We've known each other long enough to, ahem, know each other better. Nudge nudge wink wink, say no more!" They've known each other "long enough"? What, two hours? Amanda obviously doesn't care one whit about this nimrod. She stands by the window and is stunned to see Kyle give Lip Lass a big smooch goodnight in the courtyard. (Didn't Kyle realize that these plans always backfire?) Rory wants to make nookie, but Amanda says, "Your spindly body repulses me. Begone, slave."

The next morning, Amanda gives orders to Billy and Samantha. "Burning oil, lots of it! And I want those spikes in the men's room sharpened, Campbell!" "Yes, Mistress 'Manda." Rory bursts in (it's nice to know that even here there's no receptionist) and tells Amanda about a great investment opportunity that she can get in on if she gives him some cash right now. Amanda unhesitatingly says, "Sure," and she gives him a big check. Billy gapes! "Daah, have you lost yer mind?" "Looks like it, doesn't it?" Ah, beneath that smile, she's crying out for help -- unfortunately, she's crying out to Billy!

Hanging out at the beach house, an energetic Taylor starts rearranging Michael's magazine stacks. (The horror! Men's magazine stacks are sacrosanct!) She's deliriously happy over the "return" of Kyle's love for her. Still, the unknown paternity of her unborn child bugs her. "I need proof before I can tell Kyle." Michael looks at her incredulously. "You're just now figuring this out?" She wants him to arrange a paternity test. Michael says they need some of Kyle's blood, "which we're not likely to get, unless you're a vampire." Lippie has an idea!

Back at Upstairs, Jennifer tells Kyle that Taylor is pregnant. He is stunned, realizing that the stakes have just gone up a notch.

As he and Taylor finish up another romantic dinner, Lippie asks him to give her another big kiss. He does -- and she bites his lip! Hard! "Oooo, I'm sorry! Here, let me dab at it with my hanky!" Sheesh! This is a blood sample? ("Taylor, I'm afraid you were impregnated by lint.") And at this point, Lisa Rinna is obviously several months pregnant! How could anyone not notice?

Kyle makes a rare visit to the beach house in the morning. He tells Michael that he knows about the pregnancy and that no hospital in town wants anything to do with Michael. Michael bristles, but Kyle offers him $2,000 if he does a paternity test and tells Kyle the results before anyone, including (and especially) Taylor. Michael smirks, saying he already has a sample of Kyle's blood, thanks to Taylor's teeth. Handing Michael the check, Kyle angrily and firmly makes sure that Michael understands the condition of their deal.

Kyle goes to Amanda's office and sees her boozing it up from the Alison Parker Cabinet O' Vodka. He's not happy about her recent behavior, but she taunts him about his recent frolicking with Taylor. Snagged! Her date, Rory, then shows up and tells her that she just got a 100 percent return on her investment. Wow, in one day! What did they invest in, James Cameron's ego? Amanda leaves with Rory and says to Kyle, "You're not even a bad memory."

Later, Kyle answers Michael's summons to the hospital. Michael opens the results and says that Kyle is not the father. Kyle then gives Michael another $2,000 to make sure he tells Taylor the truth when she asks, even though he fully expects Taylor to claim it's Kyle's baby later. He then adds yet another $2,000 to make sure there are no stupid paternity plotlines next season! Michael says, "Don't you want to know who the father is?" "As long as it's not me, I could care less. And I'm sure Mr. Spelling will steer clear of pregnancies from now on." When he leaves, Michael then opens the results from "Subject B" -- and he blanches! He's the daddy!

Taylor arrives at the hospital a short time later, but gets the news from Michael that Kyle is not the father. "Damn! Double damn!" (This is writing?) She looks at Michael, "Is it you?" "Ah, oh, ah, no." "Oh, God. It's Nick's! I'm carrying the Demon Seed." Well, something hell-spawned is responsible for this show lately!

Cut to Amanda's bedroom, where we see her and Rory between the leopard print sheets. Ewwww! I feel unclean! Rory nuzzles her, "The way you cracked that whip and danced the Macarena on my chest with your stiletto heels -- you were First Class all the way." She slowly climbs out of bed and goes into the bathroom. She looks like hell and begins to cry. "Waah, I've lowered myself to sleeping with a guest star on his second week. Calgon, take me away."

Peter, Lexi, Megan, Coop, and more Michael:

Megan and Coop relax in bed in the morning. Coop says the Philadelphia position is still not a done deal. "If Lenny Dykstra ignores all the medical advice about his bad back, he could still play in the Phillies outfield." After Coop enters the shower, Megan answers the phone. It's Dr. Von Twitch, back in Philly. "Coop has made it to the next level. He gets 500 points and a free game." "That's wonderful!" Von Twitch wants Coop and her to come to the city for the final round of interviews. He's most insistent that she come!

Over at the new condo, The Bizarre Dr. Peter Burns is increasingly worried about the lawsuit Michael filed after being kicked out of the practice. He tells Lexi that it's bad enough, "but if Coop leaves, it's even worse." Even though he doesn't like Coop, his departure will leave Peter all alone. (But didn't Michael sue the practice in addition to Peter, and isn't Coop a partner in the practice and thus equally liable, even if he subsequently leaves? Don't these writers ever think about this stuff?) Lexi offers that since Coop is working for the pharmaceutical company she now runs, she could forbid Coop from leaving! (I thought Daddy Sterling made Coop her partner in this? How could she forbid him to do anything? AAARRRGGHH!) Peter likes her thinking!

Sure enough, Lexi does tell Coop he can't go because of business reasons, but he sees the truth (although he thinks Peter put her up to it). He says, "I'll give you $100,000 for my half of the company. Take it or leave it." Lexi begrudgingly takes it, but she also says, "I'll sell the company to Rupert Murdoch. He'll put pictures of topless women on all our skin care products!" Coop calls her bluff and says he doesn't care. And just where the hell did they get all those employees in the background? They've got more than Amanda!

Later, Coop happily chats with Peter and briefly gloats over his likely departure and Lexi's failure. Peter admits that he fears the result of Michael's lawsuit. Coop gives him some advice: "Settle. Get Michael back in the practice. I had my revenge thing last season, and it got me nowhere. I'll soon be out of a job and off the show. Well, good luck, Peter. I hope you have a terrific Season 7. I mean that."

At the hospital, a pissed-off Peter gives Lexi a hard time for not aggressively shackling the Coopster. She angrily says, "You're not happy unless there's some conflict!" "Damn it, of course! Wake up and smell the cappuccino, Lexi -- this is Melrose Place!" He accuses her of acting more like Amanda, which doesn't improve her mood.

Cut to Philadelphia (well, it's closer to the real thing than Dallas was recently). While Megan waits for Coop to finish with the interview, Dr. Von Twitch walks over. "I want to compliment you on your sexy, rub-my-hands-all-over-you body." "Oh, well, that's precious, doctor." When Coop arrives (his interview went well), Von Twitch invites them to a party; he stares at Megan the whole time.

Back at Wilshire Memorial, a suddenly mellow Michael approaches Peter and wants to make amends. (What gives with this?) Peter wants no part of him, but Michael extends his hand in peace. Peter gets wild-eyed and red-faced and yells, "No, Michael! I'm gonna fight you and I'll keep on fighting you!" He grabs Michael by the collar in front of shocked residents! He has to be pulled away. A staff psychiatrist who witnesses this strongly recommends that Peter see him later that afternoon. He also compliments him on the way his hair stayed in place.

In Philly, Dr. Von Twitch again comes on to Megan. He's really creepy! He orders her to come to his place later. "You will see me -- if you want Coop to get this job. I'll bring the Yodels; you bring the strawberries and whipped cream."

In the psychiatrist's office, Peter vents about Michael, Coop, and Lexi, and he even admits he still has feelings for Amanda. The doctor suggests that all Peter needs to do is get away from all his stress for a weekend. The Bizarre One's eyes light up! "I'll go golfing with the guys!" "Ah, no." He recommends Peter stay at his own cabin in the Sierras, away from everybody. "No golf?" "No golf." Peter whimpers. "What if it doesn't work?" The doctor jokes, "Well, there's always electro-shock therapy!" Hey, that's a funny one! Been there, done that!

--Ken Hart

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