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The revisionist history has begun! Watch as Jane is quickly removed from the Melrose continuum just like Jo. (Jo? Jo who?) In a simple editing move, Kelly Rutherford takes Josie Bissett's spot in the opening credits. It was either that or come up with a shorter theme song!
The Matt Slot belongs to ... Billy, who walks into Shooter's and says, "Daah, what's goin' on?"
The next morning, Jake wakes up to see Alison sitting on the couch. When he asks what's wrong, she tells him flat-out, "I'm pregnant." Jake Gapes! "What?" He's really happy about it! He wants to celebrate! But Alison seems less thrilled and wants to downplay it. "It's early yet. Anything can happen: psycho cops, Brooke's ghost, the return of my dead ex-husband whom I never mention... I'd rather play it safe."
Jake arrives late at Shooter's (The Only Bar in Town), where he sees Alison doing the waitress thing. "Hey, you shouldn't be on your feet!" Alison wants to know what Jake was doing at City Hall. "Attending the Patriots rally. Go Pats!" "Jake, you fool, that was in Boston!" "Oh, uh, I was checking out how to get a marriage license." Alison is not thrilled: "This is how you propose to me?" Obviously, this isn't the only thing bugging her and Jake knows it, but she won't talk about it here. As she walks off, Billy enters and says to Jake, "Daah, wat's with Alison these days?" "Give her a break -- she's pregnant." Andrew Shue stares. [Subtitle: Billy is wracked with emotional pain over the thought that Alison will bare the fruits of someone else's loins. "Oh, where did we go wrong, my sweet?"]
The next day, Jake sits Alison down at home so they can talk this out. He says, "I love you, Alison. You know that." He tells her it's inevitable that they'll get married at some point. Indeed, Jake now realizes that his offer to make her his partner at Shooter's was his way of proposing a long-term commitment! "Jake, you crazy romantic, you!" He gets on one knee and says, "Alison Parker, formerly Mrs. 'Big Daddy' Armstrong, will you marry me?" "Yes!" The honeymoon will be on Jake's desk.
Later, Craig and Amanda head toward the elevators, and he tells her that her office is being renovated tomorrow and she's got her four best accounts back. "Well done, slave. You're green, but given time you'll do well. Lick my boots." Evil Ex-CEO Arthur Fields appears and wants to talk to his son. He's not happy -- but when is he ever happy? His sources have told him about Craig's submissive attitude toward Amanda, and he demands to know the reason. Craig reminds him who's in charge at D&D -- on paper, at least. "You and your resources can go to hell."
The next day, Arthur confronts Amanda and Craig in her office. He's just read a confidential memo that Amanda placed into the network, describing the truth that Arthur murdered his father-in-law. Network security ain't what it used to be! He opens his briefcase, smiles tightly, and says, "Let's start the bidding, shall we? How much do you want for your silence?" Amanda says money isn't the issue. But when Arthur says, "Perhaps 2 million? How about 3?" her tune changes! "I won't accept anything less than five!" Craig is stunned and he tries to stop this conversation. Amanda says, "Stay out of this, Craig, until your father signs the check!" Even Arthur agrees: "Craig, you were always such a bitter disappointment to me, even on Baywatch!" "That does it!" It's a father and son reunion, as Craig and Arthur briefly struggle. Arthur then seizes up -- he's having a heart attack! Amanda tries to intervene, but a whacked-out Craig grabs her and says, "NO! Let him die! No one mocks Baywatch and lives!" Arthur drops to the floor, dead. Gee, it's nice that this happened in Amanda's office with the big windows and nobody noticed!
She later visits a solemn Craig at the Fields Den of Evil. He tells her he's told no one what really happened. Amanda says, "The truth is your father was evil. Don't feel guilty about what you did." She points out that she's got plenty of experience with evil fathers! "My dad was slain by a supermodel, and I didn't shed a tear."
Later, Syd visits Kyle at the restaurant and asks if they can rework the terms of the "Kirov" deal. She asks if he can pay for the paintings now, instead of in installments. Kyle says, "Things are tight right now, Syd. Taylor and I haven't had a subplot in weeks, and I'm worried we'll be kicked off the show as failed characters." Syd explains her own financial situation, and Kyle says he'll juggle some funds and see what he can do.
Apparently, he succeeds, because Sydney soon gets a visit from a check-bearing Lip Lass. Taylor says Syd can have the money ... if she stays away from Kyle. "Oh," says Syd, "so I can't be seen with Kyle, but it's OK for you to be all over Amanda's husband." "My relationship with Peter is none of your business." "It's noboby's business right now, wench -- that plot's been dead for weeks!" Syd adds firmly, "I can't be bought. I'll scrape up the money someplace else, and I'll visit Kyle whenever I want." Go, Syd! I hear there's a lot of money to be made as a porno film producer!
Back at the boutique, Boss Syd is getting on Sam's case about messing up orders: "We've got to get all of Jane's crappy fashions out of here pronto!" Then she says, "Oh, and lunch break is only 20 minutes." "That's it!" says Sam. She lets Syd have it about her bossy attitude and points out all the mistakes that Syd has been making with orders lately. Syd is humbled!
At Kyle's later that day, Syd walks in and thanks Kyle for coming through with the funds. The boutique's debts have all been paid. Kyle says it wasn't him: "Taylor told me you turned down the money." Lip Lass walks over and coyly says to Syd, "Knowing you, maybe it was a sugar daddy." Syd pauses and says, "Kyle, alert the media. For the first time, your wife may be right."
She heads straight for Carter's estate where she's met by Walter, who confirms her guess that, yes, he was the one who paid her creditors. "Consider it compensation for a job well done." He tells an incensed Syd that she's been a good friend to Carter, and a happy Carter is good for business. She finds Carter, planning to tell him what Walter's been up to, but a nervous Carter keeps interrupting her. He apologizes for his behavior earlier and says, "I don't care about work -- I care about you." Well, there goes any similarity to Bill Gates! Syd is pleasantly surprised by this news, but it's tempered when she spies Walter, who nods his head in approval.
As Matt returns home that night, Dan confronts him in the courtyard: "You bastard!" He accuses Matt of "pushing" him over the edge, but Matt says, "You've got a problem! You're a liar, you're a hypocrite, and you do the worst impersonation of a drunk since Donna Mills! Stop living in this delusional world!" Dan slumps to the ground, realizing what a bad drunk he is. He tries to leave, but Matt grabs him: "I am not letting you get behind the wheel of a car when you are dead drunk, even if the audience at home doesn't believe it." Matt drops him on the sofa, then goes to his own room.
In the morning, Dan tells Matt he now realizes that he has a problem. He says his father hated him, but Matt tells him that's no excuse for his behavior: "A man faces his fears. A coward shoves them under the carpet." "Where did you hear that, Matt? Deepak Chopra?" "No -- Kung Fu: The Legend Continues." Dan apologizes for his actions, but Matt says, "It's too late. It's over." Dan says goodbye to Matt and the show: "I'm going to check myself into a facility and learn how to properly portray a drunk."
Michael and Peter go into Dr. Ganglia's office at the hospital, and Michael insists on seeing Kimberly's records. Ganglia says he understands Michael's state, but he can't violate doctor-patient privacy. Peter talks the calm approach, and Ganglia agrees -- off the record, of course. Michael and Peter look at the MRI pictures, and Peter points out the plot device inside Kim's skull. "Oh my God," says Michael. "She really is gonna die." Wow, last year Michael would have been doing handstands over this!
He returns to new bride Megan, and he suggests that they not place additional stress on poor Kimberly by telling her about their marriage. In fact, Michael doesn't want her to tell anybody yet! He says he wants to spend more time with Kim in her last days: "I couldn't deal with the guilt otherwise." (Michael? Guilt? Remorse? Sing along: One of these things is not like the other ... one of these things just doesn't belong...) He even takes the wedding ring off Megan's finger! She protests, but he says, "We have all of our lives together. Kimberly just has a couple of episodes. I'll put it back on soon -- I promise."
Michael then goes to Kim and tells her he saw her brain. She pleads with him to leave, but he insists on being there for her until the end. "I won't let you die alone." She apparently yields, then says, "I need to do some dying stuff around the house -- moaning, vomiting, choosing my casket -- so could you come back later?"
Many hours later, Michael returns to the beach house, but there's no Kim! He finds a note: "Michael, you were wrong. I don't need you. I do want to die alone. Please donate my wigs to Dennis Rodman. Goodbye. --Kimberly." We see that Kimberly has walked to the edge of a pier and is planning to jump. (It took her all day to decide this?) She stares at the crashing waves. "Do it ... one more step..." But she can't! She steps away from the edge. "Coward," she mutters to herself.
Michael still can't find Kim and he's getting increasingly anxious. Later, Megan has a secret rendezvous with Kim at a hotel. Megan wants her to contact Michael, but Kim resists and gives Megan instructions to retrieve some items from a safe deposit box. Kim tells her she's going to wait for the next big rainstorm, then drive herself off a cliff! "It's my fate. I should have died in that terrible car crash with Michael two years ago. The truth is I'm not meant to be alive." Megan says, "Wow, you're about as depressing as my last show, 'The Kindred.'"
Well, faster than you can say "Spencer Christian," it's pouring rain in Los Angeles! Kimberly hears the TV forecast: "Heavy rains expected all night. Drivers are cautioned to be extremely careful, unless you're trying to kill yourself, in which case we say, 'Godspeed.'"
A soggy Michael returns to the beach house, where Megan is sleeping on the couch. (Huh? Now I'm totally confused! What's she doing there if Michael wants to protect Kim from "the truth"?) Megan wakes up, sees how wet Michael's clothes are, and freaks out! "We have to leave!" Michael demands to know what's going on, but Megan says she'll explain on the way to Suicide Drive!
She tells Michael everything. Needless to say, he's stunned and not too pleased! He's yelling at her, and she's telling him to slow down and keep his eyes on the ever-winding road. Visibility is about two feet! As they argue and drift across the road, headlights approach on a collision course! It's Kimberly's car! Michael's car whacks it, corkscrews, and lands on the hood! The scores: 9.5, 9.1, and -- oh! -- a 7.9 from the Soviet judge!
Next Week: Sydney and Carter explore the couch! Peter tries reconciliation! Michael flatlines!
--Ken Hart
