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Well, the reports were true about who was leaving the show. Elsewhere, the Carter/Sydney plot is going nowhere fast, and Amanda's long-delayed power play finally goes into high gear.
The Matt Slot goes to ... Taylor! She's in the episode for less than a minute, and even the now-noble Kyle is starting to give her some, uh, lip.
In her dinky office at Dumb & Dumber, Amanda gets a phone call. "It's the rejuvenated Bizarre hotshot surgeon Peter Burns," says a happy Peter, now back in a blue hospital gown. He asks that she meet him for dinner -- "Not Kyle's" -- so they can start repairing their relationship. "It's Tool Time, my love." Amanda says she's really busy this week. When Peter gets a little more persistent, she tells him that she wants to repair things, too, but not now: "I'm emotionally tapped out." The conversation ends, and Craig walks by: "Hey, you're my slave now! Keep working!" Amanda nods, and Craig asks, "We still going out for dinner Wednesday night?" "Sure ... it's the dead night on Must See TV anyway."
Kimberly visits her friendly neighborhood neurosurgeon, Dr. Ganglia. He asks Kim how she's feeling these days. "Pretty terminal. Ha Ha. The dizziness has returned, I have little energy to do anything, and I'm picking up odd UHF frequencies." Dr. Ganglia wants to do another MRI, since her T-cell count is down and her skull is not yet bulging. (Hmmm, could this be the beginning of Kimberly's miracle recovery?) But Kim says, "No. No more prodding, poking, or other verbs starting with P. All I want to do now is die, on my own terms and advertised heavily during the Super Bowl, which of course you can see right here on Fox." She says it's time to say her goodbyes.
Much later that night at D&D, Peter makes a surprise visit to Amanda's office while a former co-producer is vacuuming the carpets. When he comments about the many late nights that Amanda's been working, she says, "I'm fighting for my life here." Peter again apologizes for his actions, but says, "I'm better now. I need you to believe in me again. Tap those ruby slippers, Amanda, and let's go home!" Amanda then releases some pent-up feelings and tells The Bizarre One that she's concerned about the way Peter changed. "What scared me is that you reminded me of my father": lying, self-absorbed, weak, and attracted to killer supermodels. Hey, nobody's perfect! Peter insists, "You can count on me. You can trust me. I'm a living, breathing Bryan Adams song." Amanda says she's not sure she can trust him, and she asks him to leave her alone.
Wednesday night at Shooter's (The Only Bar in Town), Amanda is plying the unsuspecting Craig with liquor, and she steers the conversation to the subject of his father, Evil Ex-CEO Arthur Fields. She tells Craig, "I originally thought you were a massive weenie, but now I kind of like you -- in a simple-minded and totally false way, that is." She "casually" wonders what secrets Craig has on his father that enabled him to grab control of the company. He drunkenly explains that Arthur murdered his own father-in-law! Craig's grandfather and Arthur hated each other, yet the grandfather's will would leave just about everything to Craig's parents. When Craig was a kid, the family went on a trip, and he saw Arthur and his grandfather in a big argument. There was a fight, and Arthur knocked Grandpa's head against a plot device, killing him instantly. Arthur saw the young Craig, who was paralyzed with fear. Together, they dumped Grandpa's body into a lake, and the death was ruled "accidental drowning," although the police were puzzled by the lead weights around the ankles. Arthur then took over the company, divorced his wife, developed a pseudo-British accent, and has been evil ever since. Arthur often reminded Craig that this was "our secret." A now-tearful Craig tells Amanda that she's the first to know: "I never had anybody I could trust before." Ah ha ha ha ha! He touches her hand. Amanda smiles, knowing she will soon be cracking the whip on her slave again!
A happy and drunken Michael and Megan celebrate in their hotel room in Las Vegas, having just seen Siegfried & Roy devoured by tigers while hundreds stood and applauded. Megan says giddily, "Marry me!" Michael the romantic says, "Oh, what the hell? Why not!" What's this, Marriage #5 for him? (I'm counting Kimberly twice.)
Peter goes to Dr. Ganglia's office. He tells him that he just had a conversation with Kimberly, and he got the feeling she was saying goodbye. "I'm not sure, but it was the way she said, 'So long, Peter. I hope my funeral is nice.'" Since Kimberly was a former patient, he asks Dr. Ganglia to tell him her condition. Ganglia says Peter is obviously aware he can't violate doctor-patient confidentiality. When Peter tells him that Kim had once come to him for a second opinion on her MRI, Ganglia says, "Peter, you may have practiced psychiatry without a license last season, but you're not a neurosurgeon. How would you know what to say to a person in such a serious condition?" "Thank you, Dr. Ganglia," says a grim Peter. "That's all I needed to know."
Michael and Megan are frolicking in their Vegas bed of sin. She says, "Megan Mancini -- it has a nice ring, don't you think?" "Yeah," jokes Michael, "along with the other Mrs. Mancinis!" The phone rings. It's Peter, who tells a stunned Michael the bad news about Kim: "Brain tumor. It's bad. Real bad. I give her two, three episodes tops."
In the morning, Alison tells Jake that she's not feeling well. (Can you say "pregnancy"?) He suggests she's probably exhausted from working too many shifts at that hellhole, Shooter's. He tells her to take a couple of days off -- he's pretty sure he can get Matt to come back for a day or two. Alison starts talking about "family" again, specifically how "you and I are like a family of 2. Say, Fox should spin us off into our own series. We'd be cheaper than 'Party of 5'!" She also wants to mend fences with their friends, their "extended family." All right, Alison, calm down! No more self-help books for you!
Jake walks over to Matt's place and asks if he can fill in at Shooter's. Matt says, "Nah, it's not a good time." Then Jake notices Matt's black eye! Matt makes up some story about helping Dan with a rowdy patient at the hospital. Just then, Dan arrives at Melrose Place, and Jake heads off to the bar. An apologetic Dan pleads with Matt for a chance to explain, but Matt is still fuming. Dan asks Matt to meet him at Kyle's for dinner and "a little surprise." He tells Matt, "I love you, and you always hurt the ones you love ... uh, I mean, I always will love you."
At the local pharmacy, Sam bumps into Alison, who is looking at -- home pregnancy tests! Sam, who is buying numerous contraceptive devices now that she has a sex life, is a little uncomfortable as she talks to Alison about Billy, saying that everything she's heard about Billy and Alison's past makes them sound like Romeo and Juliet. "I even mentioned that to Billy, but he said he hadn't seen the movie yet." Alison gives her blessing and asks Sam, "Please don't tell anyone about the pregnancy tests," and Sam agrees, citing intra-gender confidentiality.
Later, at Shooter's, Jake buys a round for Billy and Sam, and he hopes they can all be friends again. Billy toasts to that (if a little unenthusiastically), and Jake mentions Matt's black eye. He's a bit concerned about Matt's new relationship. Sam and Billy say they're meeting Dan and Matt for dinner, so they'll keep their unblackened eyes open.
At said dinner (at Kyle's, of course), Dan and Matt recite their lie about the rowdy patient who slugged Matt. Billy suggests, "Daah, more wine?" Dan says, "No, Matt's had enough," which raises eyebrows all around! Dan quickly apologizes and backtracks: "Oh, go ahead, Matt." Matt announces to Billy and Sam that he's moving into Dan's house in a couple of days! He asks Billy for a hand with the move, and Billy agrees, though he is obviously surprised.
Later that week, Billy is helping Matt carry the last of his boxes into Dan's living room. Finally, he says, "Daaah, Jake and I care about you ... aaahh, not in DAT way, ya understand." He saw the way Dan acted toward Matt during dinner, and he's worried. Matt gets twitchy and tells Billy to leave. "Gaah, you would not be so defensive if dere wasn't some truth in this. I'm a regular Perry Mason, ain't I?" Matt gets really mad at the suggestion that he's getting punched out by Dan: "I'm just a wimpy little queer, right?" He tells Billy to get out! As soon as Billy leaves, Dan, who had been listening, then gets on Matt's case for not actually denying that Dan punched him! Dan gets nasty again and shoves Matt into a coffee table! Matt gets up and sucker-punches Dan! Matt goes in for seconds, and Dan says, "Go ahead! Do it! You want to! Give in to your hatred, young Skywalker!" Matt backs off: "No, I am not like you. I am a Jedi, like my father before me!"
In the morning, Sydney calls up Sam at Billy's, tells her about the robbery, gives her a guilt trip about leaving early, and orders her to open the store. Go, Syd! She turns back to a shellshocked Jane, who asks Syd if she's heard from her mom, Donna Mills, yet. Sherry turns up at the front door in response to Syd's summons. Syd gives her the Cliff Notes version and says Jane kept asking for her at the police station, but she wasn't home. Syd gets in a couple of digs, and as soon as Jane greets Sherry in her bedroom, Jane shuts Syd out -- literally.
Sydney's luck does not improve at Carter Gallivan's estate, where she and Carter share an exciting game of pool. (Oh, boy!) When Carter says he'll have his staff put together something for lunch, she wonders if they can't do something for "just the two of us." His assistant, Walter, pops up to remind him of an important videoconference. Syd suggests they go out to lunch and get away from this for a bit, but he says, "Uh, I'm kind of tied up here." As he gets on the phone, Syd begins to leave. Carter rushes over and asks her to stay. "You're the first normal person I've met." Syd? Normal?! The poor boy doesn't have a clue! He says, "I don't want to lose our ... friendship." Syd says with finality, "Why don't you call me when you can spend an hour." As she returns to her car, Walter walks over and tells her that Carter needs someone like her around. In fact, he has some "discretionary funds" available and he'll pay her to keep Carter company. Syd glares at him. "I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that." She drives off. Sydney -- ignoring money and being nice to Jane? What is the world coming to?
Sherry returns to Jane's that night. Jane is now a complete shut-in and refuses to return to her store. Jane simply wants Sherry to comfort her, but Sherry wants her to go to the shop right now and "face whatever it is that scares you." Jane resists, and Sherry grabs her, saying that she knows what this like and that Jane "can't let the demons win." Jane cries out, "I don't have the D.T.'s, you alkie!" Syd walks in on this confrontation and says to Sherry, "Maybe you should go." Jane, a little glum, says to Sherry, "I guess I'm not like you." "I guess you're not," replies Sherry. "You're far less melodramatic."
Later, Syd sits down at the bar at Kyle's. (Did they get a new set? It looks totally different.) Kyle walks over and says hi, and Syd tells him about both of her plotlines. He listens sympathetically, since he has no plotlines right now. There's no flirtation, but Lip Lass sees this and doesn't like it. She glares at Sydney and chases an irritated Kyle back to the kitchen. He's definitely losing his patience with her!
The next day at Jane's shop, Sydney makes a sale! Then Jane walks in, looking very tired. Syd tries to convince her to go home and rest, but Jane says Sherry was right: "I need to face my fears. Will anyone but Aaron Spelling hire me?" Syd walks into the back room for a moment, and Jane tenses as she hears the door open behind her. She turns to see -- her mom and dad! The Chicago ones! She gratefully hugs them as Mrs. Andrews whispers a silent "Thank you" to a happy Sydney.
Back at her pad, Jane is tucked in by Mom, who is unbelievably understanding of everything Jane has done lately. (Well, she doesn't know about Fashion Boy.) Mom says, "It doesn't matter about the genes -- you're my daughter. You have part of our soul. I watched you grow up, get new teeth, chop up your classmates' uniforms in the name of fashion..." Jane finally says, "I don't want to stay here anymore. I want to go home with you and Dad."
Later, as news of Jane's departure spreads, Sherry and her friend Ed show up to say goodbye. Sherry and Jane talk privately, and Sherry tells her, "I always did love you, I want you to know that." Jane says she does, and she hopes to have a "new start" back in Chicago. Sherry tells her, "I'm so glad you have them, the mom and dad you really need." As Ed and Sherry turn to leave, Mrs. Andrews says to her, "I just want to thank you for my daughter. Without your DNA, Jane's father and I never would have gotten this air time." Sherry asks, "Write me sometime?" and Mrs. Andrews says, "I will. I promise." As they walk off, Ed asks Sherry if she's OK. "I think so, " she says. "I also think this would be the perfect time to ask me to marry you." Awwww! Let's have a nice little ovation for Guest Star Donna Mills. Bye, Donna! Thanks for not being drunk again this week!
At the airport, Jane is greeted by a farewell committee of Amanda, Samantha, Billy, Alison, and Jake, who hold a sign: "We'll miss you, Jane." (It probably came out of D&D's budget.) She says goodbye to each, then turns toward a teary Sydney. She tells Syd to take care of the boutique, and she thanks her for not letting her leave their family. She heads toward the plane, as a little smile plays over her face: SO LONG, SUCKERS!
Next Week: Amanda extorts! Alison incubates! Kimberly goes for a spin on Suicide Drive!
--Ken Hart
