I hate to beat a dead Shue, but this show is getting increasingly flat! They need to spice things up -- and soon -- if they want to have any shot at a seventh season. And what's with Connie? One week she's trying to convince Sam to dump Billy (in exchange for the joys of Sapphic love!). Now she's starting a lame "Single White Female" rehash! Did the writers get scared? If so, couldn't they at least rip off a more recent movie? All I can say is, thank Odin for Jamie Luner!
The Matt Slot goes to … Amanda! Yes, Billy had less screen time, but Amanda's uncharacteristic, shoulder-slumping look of defeat created a huge void in the episode. On top of that, she gets outmaneuvered by both Taylor and Connie! What's wrong with this picture?
Seconds later, Amanda sees the half-naked Lippie walking down the steps. Taylor says, "Kyle doesn't want to see you. He and I just had sex with six midgets, a stewardess, and the entire cast of 'Riverdance' -- it's a mess in there!" She invites Amanda to a re-opening party for both the restaurant and Upstairs tomorrow night. (Wow, when did Kyle schedule this? Eric only handed over the papers several hours earlier!) Lippie twists the knife: "After all, it's more your doing than anyone's." Amanda weakly calls her a "pathetic parasite" and goes back to her place. Boo, Amanda! You can do better than that! Call her a "bubble-headed boody," "dundering dolt," or one of those other phrases that Dr. Smith always used on the Robot!
At Amanda Woodward Advertising, Sam's "friend" Connie walks past the invisible zombie employees and hands Amanda some storyboards that Sam had completed before the wedding. Amanda notices they look a little different, and Connie coyly comments that she "touched them up a little." "Yes, I also see that you've managed to squeeze 'I Love Sam' into every picture. Very clever!" Connie says she's thinking of staying in L.A. a little longer. "Well," says Amanda, "Samantha really left at the wrong time. Even though she's only been working here for a few days, has the intelligence of a dead vole, and has no design experience to speak of, I now unbelievably find her invaluable. Would you be interested in a temp job? I need someone to make copies." Gee, I guess Sam really is important! Connie says, "Sure. I'm good at … copying. Cue the sinister music! Muahahahahaha!"
Meanwhile, in Hawaii (there's a guy wearing a lei, so it must be Hawaii, right?), Billy and Samantha arrive at their honeymoon suite -- not! It's extremely small. The bubbly bellhop tells them about fun activities like "sand castle classes." Yowza! As soon as he leaves, Billy says, "Daaah, see ya, Sam! I'm gonna build castles!" "No, you don't!" Sam picks up Billy and throws him on the bed.
At the Upstairs re-opening party, Kyle is getting sloshed. (That's all we need: another alcoholic! It's pretty bad when the writers have to rely on substance abuse for a plot crutch every other week.) He rebuffs Jennifer's show of concern. She then tends to Coop, whom we'll get to later. When Amanda arrives, Kyle woozily gets on stage and grabs the mike. "Special thanks are due to the tireless efforts of Amanda Woodward. She's the Queen of Give and Take, of Put Out and Take Some More." Some of the crowd nervously applauds. The embarrassed Amanda leaves. The gloating Lippie smiles!
The next day at Melrose Place, Connie sits in Billy and Sam's pad, staring at the wedding pictures. Sam calls her from the honeymoon love nest, and Connie immediately says, "I got a temp job at your agency! Boy, you have a great job, a great life, a great guy…" "Ah, doy, Connie, you're sounding just a little too much like Jennifer Jason Leigh!" They chat for a few seconds and say goodbye. Billy looks at the odd frown on Sam's face: "Daah, ya got wrinkles! Say, she's not gonna still be there when we get back, is she?" Sam says she's not sure. Billy tells her, "Ya know, ya gotta stop takin' in these wounded strays. They just bite you on the hand. Gaah!" "Doy, Billy, Connie doesn't bite! At least not hard…"
Back at Upstairs, Taylor sashays over to the ever-drinking Kyle. He's still grumpy over Amanda, and Lippie says, "You deserve better than that, you big stud puppy, you!" When Taylor walks off, a concerned Jennifer points out that this situation is oddly reminiscent of their affair in Boston, suggesting that Kyle shouldn't turn to Lip Lass simply because he's pissed at Amanda. Kyle says, "But you were incredibly nubile. Taylor is not!" "Well, you got me there. Hey, what do you mean, I was incredibly nubile?"
Later, at Amanda's agency, Connie impresses her new boss with her artwork. "I worked on them all night, at least when I wasn't lusting after both Samantha and Billy." Amanda says she needs to get these to a client in Seattle, but she doesn't have the time to go herself, and Billy and Sam are still on their honeymoon. (How short-staffed is Amanda? Surely one of those nameless minions would enjoy a scene or two!) Connie suggests sending Billy: The honeymoon is over tomorrow, and he can fly directly to Seattle. Amanda thinks Sam is a better choice to go, since she's already familiar with what's been done. (Oh, yeah! Let's send the picture-drawing person to represent the company! Yeesh!) Connie practically rubs her hands with glee! Billy will be Home Alone!
Taylor tells Amanda a big fib. "Kyle wants you to sell your half of the club." Amanda actually believes Lippie when she says that Kyle is too annoyed to ask this himself! In fact, Taylor says she'll buy it herself. "You won't get anything from me, Lippie!" "Oh no? You've already given me Kyle!" Zing! Ouch! Not even a feeble riposte from Amanda?!
Later, Taylor goes to Kyle and, incredibly, sells him on the same bag of goods. "Amanda told me she wants to sell out." Why do these people believe her? If she said that grass were green, I'd still have to see for myself! She offers to be his new business partner because that's one thing which has worked well between them: "Tell her to sell and we'll all be happy." "Sure, why not?" Kyle, you are officially a ninny!
The next day, Kyle sees Amanda in the MP courtyard. "I hear you want out." "Well, my contract with Mr. Spelling is supposed to go on for another year, but after my damaging testimony at the Hunter Tylo trial…" "No, no, I mean the jazz club." "Oh, that! I don't care about it." They both play the "I don't care if you don't care" game, and Amanda says she'll even give up her half -- for free! Kyle wants no charity, but she says, "I don't want anything to do with you or your ventures." Hey, Amanda, this is a bad move. Hold on to your money! The way businesses on this show come and go, Alicia Silverstone's career is more stable!
After seeing Sam off to Seattle, a tan-less Billy returns to Los Angeles a day later. When he steps into his pad, he sees a naked, dripping-wet Connie hastily wrap a bath towel around herself! "Oh, Billy. Gee. What a surprise. I did not expect you to be here and see my naked bod. Um, where's Sam?" she asks innocently. "Uh, she's in Seattle." Connie says, "Well, welcome home," and she gives him a kiss on the cheek. "Daah, excuse me, I gotta go potty." The uncomfortable Billy zips past her into the bathroom. Connie answers the phone. It's Sam, of course. She's really busy in Seattle, and Connie tries to seed bad thoughts about Billy's fidelity in her mind. When Sam asks if he's back yet, Connie lies! "Nope, not here yet!" Doesn't anyone on this show have a best friend who's NOT twisted?
In the morning, a chastened Bizarre One apologizes to Lexi: "I'm sorry I went through your purse and found your drug stash." He does ask, however, that she come to him for medical assistance in the future, not Coop. She agrees, then asks him if she can be his employee, too! "You want to work at the office?! It's not exactly the safest of jobs. The last two ex-receptionists are dead, and the third just came out of a coma!" That's not what she means, though. She says she has a degree in design. (Does every female on this show want to be a designer?) She'd like to develop her interior-decorating skills, and she figures she'll hone them in the office before turning toward Peter's condo.
Over at the beach house, Megan is overwhelmed by Michael's attentiveness. He's even cooking! He's also extremely protective: "I want you staying in bed for a few months." He leaves the bedroom to answer the door: It's Coop! Michael pushes him outside, then tells him he can't see Megan. Coop realizes that Michael's been lying to her, but he's patient. "You haven't heard the last from me, Mancini." Coop is a cool customer! I bet if someone dropped a sledgehammer on his toe, he'd say, "Hmmm. Ow. You know, my foot hurts. I'll get my revenge on that hammer one day."
That night, Michael tucks Megan into bed, and he even leaves her with a bell to ring if she needs anything during the night. He's laying it on thick! Megan, feeling affectionate and forgiving, says he can stay in bed with her tonight. "Well … OK!" He needs little encouragement, but he does need a cold shower when Megan says, "Not sex, yet. Just hold me." "Oh, sure…."
At Upstairs, Jennifer gives a drink to Coop, who is steaming over an official memo from the hospital, endorsing the Mancini Glove and giving "Mortal Kombat Annihilation" two out of five stars! (Why is he telling this to Michael's sister?) Coop says, "If I had returned for the Mortal Kombat sequel, it would have gotten at least three stars! Easily!" Jennifer is a little surprised by his anger; after all, the glove WAS Michael's idea, right? Coop doesn't let on about the glove's true origin, and Jen conveniently adds, "We're a struggling company. All we need is some yahoo with a grudge dragging us under." Coop leaves to contact the law firm of Yahoo & Grudge!
When Michael and Megan awaken the next morning, Megan is still feeling mushy toward him. "You really saved my life this time. Maybe we do belong together." He's overjoyed! "You never lost faith in that good guy inside me." What good guy? Geez, Indiana Jones couldn't dig that deep! Michael says she must stay here, though, to continue recuperating.
Back at Upstairs that evening, Michael tries to mend fences between Craig and Jennifer -- not for any altruistic reason, of course. "Our company showed 10 percent growth until you two stopped being a couple!" He compares the Mancini Glove Company to a snowflake, and "my little snowflake is turning to sludge!" He orders them to have dinner! Jennifer, still pissed at Craig, says, "Why bother?" "Are you sure you're my sister? 'Why bother?' So we can all get rich!"
Over at the Bizarre Pad, Lexi asks for Peter's opinion on condo designs, but he declines. "No, I'm afraid this obsession with design might be contagious." As they prepare for dinner, Lexi ducks into the bathroom -- without shutting the door! -- and Peter sees her popping a bunch of pills! He looks away in confusion. "Damn … and I even apologized to her, too!"
At the hospital the next day, Michael asks Peter about Megan's condition. "She's fine." Michael says, "Great. Don't tell anyone, especially her." Peter gives him that great narrow-eyed stare! Michael's hoping to patch things up. Peter suggests a trade: He'll keep mum on Megan's condition, if Michael lets Lexi decorate the Glove offices -- for free! Michael comments that Peter must really be taken with her. The Bizarre One says, "At my age, when I look back and see what I've done in my life, all I see are golf tournaments, a failed singing career, and wrecked relationships." Michael tries to cheer him up: "Amanda and Taylor? Don't beat yourself up over those wackos! Amanda is addicted to her work…" "…and Taylor was addicted to me." Michael nods, "Yeah, addictive personalities. They're drawn to you. You're the enabler. You play along." Peter, thinking of Lexi, is stunned by Michael's accurate psycho-babble!
That night, Peter and Lexi are walking down the street, and he seems to be working up the courage to say something about her addiction. Lexi, however, is extremely happy and she steers him over to a vacant storefront that she says will be her new design shop! The Bizarre One decides to stay mum. You dumb enabler, you!
Jennifer and Craig have a less-than-successful dinner at a restaurant. She says, "You can't make up the rules as you go along." She wants him to be a lover, partner, and friend, and Craig recoils at the thought of commitment! "It's a deal-breaker. The last time I loved someone … waaah, Sydney! I won't go through that again." He leaves. She follows. Who's paying the bill? Jennifer tells launches a nauseating barrage of Feel Good comments: "You have to stay open or you'll wither up and die." "What is this, Jennifer? A relationship or a delicatessen?" She challenges him to make a counteroffer. He says, "We'll sleep together when we're lonely or the ratings slip. And we'll try not to hurt each other." Jennifer ponders: hot sex vs. no hot sex? Hmmm…
Coop surprises Megan with his nighttime appearance at the beach house. (Michael is at the hospital.) She says she's feeling fine, but she takes issue with Coop's claim that Michael is exaggerating her condition in order to keep her here. "No, he wouldn't do that. Look how he sat by my bedside while I was in a coma. Michael wouldn't have lied about that." "Well, now that you mention it…" Coop says HE was the one at her bedside, and he even tells her which CDs he played: "Bobby Vinton, A Flock of Seagulls, Jim Nabors…" "Those are my favorites!" Michael arrives and quickly tells Coop to leave. "You can't shut out the truth," says Coop. Michael tells Megan that Coop is loopy and she shouldn't pay much attention to anything he says. "He's got this fixation about coma patients. I hear he's flying out to talk to that poor lady who got whacked by the Cat in the Hat balloon!" Megan cautiously asks Michael what music he played for her during her coma. "Oh, uh, a little of this, a little of that!" Megan begins to comprehend the truth! Why is it so hard for people to accept that the other characters on the show, especially Michael and Lip Lass, lie?
At the Mancini Glove offices, Michael, Jennifer, and Craig all weigh in with opinions on Lexi's ideas for the company's new look. "We need something to cover up the fact that this look just like Amanda's offices with the desks rearranged." Then Coop walks in and notifies Michael that he's suing the company! "You stole my idea. And you're going down for it." Craig turns to Michael: "Is this true?" "No, of course not." Jennifer adds, "My brother may be slimy, but he's no crook." Lexi thinks Coop is doing this solely to spite her.
Back at the beach house, Jennifer confronts Michael and demands to know if he swiped the idea: "There is a touch of larceny in our gene pool." Michael is shocked. Shocked! "I would never lie to you! Oh, I gotta get some air." When he steps out, Megan asks Jennifer about the music that was played during her coma, and Jen says that Coop had come by and asked for some CDs. Megan then calls Peter, who reluctantly confirms that Coop spent most of the time with her and that her condition is absolutely fine. Megan tells Jen, "Take me back to your apartment." "What about Michael?" "I don't know a Michael. I don't think I ever did." "Damn, girl! You've got amnesia!"
At the Bizarre Pad, Lexi gets off the phone with Craig, who has just told her that the design work is off until Coop's claim is resolved. She's really frantic and paranoid, and Peter tries to calm her down without success. She dives for the pills, spilling them on the floor! As she tries to gobble them up like M&M's, Peter grabs her and turns her face to the mirror, "Look at that! What do you see?" "Hey, I'm hot!" She bites his hand! What is she, one of those "wandering strays"? Hysterical, she pushes him aside and runs toward her car. As she drives away, the oh-so-nimble Peter Pan flies into the passenger seat! She's driving without care, and Peter tells her to pull over. There's a sickening "Thump!" Peter gets her to stop the car, and he steps out to see the cause, but he sees no one. Lexi collapses into his arms, crying.
He drives them back to his place, and he tells her to go upstairs while he puts the car in the garage. He walks over to the right headlight and sees -- red stuff! "Either Lexi's car has a bad paint job, or we just hit Danny DeVito!"
Next Week: No Melrose! But in two weeks: The boozing Kyle goes from being the new Jake to the new Alison! Craig wants Michael out of the company! Lexi wants to fess up!
--Ken Hart
