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Is it just me or does the whole Jake/Alison affair seem like one long dream sequence? It's very hard to accept! A lot of scenes this week for Sydney, who did suffer a 1960s fashion relapse with that green outfit.
The Matt Slot goes to ... Kimberly, who decides to get a new hairdo for her final weeks of life!
Late at night, Megan shows up at Michael's office in a slinky black outfit. She tells him, "I've been fantasizing about you all day long. I'm Minnie Mouse, you're Goofy -- let's get dirty!" As soon as they start kissing, though, there's a knock on the door. "Good God, it's Mickey!" It's a messenger with a large envelope for Michael. (Of course, messengers always make deliveries to office buildings late at night.) Michael composes himself and opens the envelope. It's the divorce papers from Kimberly. Megan is worried by Michael's glum reaction. Michael, in turn, gives her the bum's rush: "I got a lotta work to do! I'll see you later." She leaves and Michael stares at the papers, deflated in more ways than one.
At the beach house, a very Gothic-looking Kimberly stares out at the ocean. Megan shows up. "Are you all right, Kimberly?" "Yes, I'm just posing here in case Kenneth Branagh turns on the TV and wants to cast me in his next movie." Megan tells her, "It's not working -- he still loves you." "Who, Kenneth Branagh?" "No! Michael!" Kim tells Megan to try harder. Megan says, "I have tried harder. I even used the Cool Whip!" Kim gets queasy and staggers. Recovering from her mild brain seizure, she tells Megan, "I need to know that he will be taken care of." "Who, Kenneth Branagh? He's with Helena Bonham Carter!" "No, damn it! Michael!" Megan agrees: "OK, Kimberly, I'll find a way. I like your new hairstyle, by the way -- although shouldn't you be finding better uses for your money in your last days?" "It's my death, and I'll do what I want!"
Later that day, Billy is jogging and he sees Alison sitting on a park bench, looking depressed. "Daah, hey, you and Jake having problems?" Alison is reluctant to say anything, considering their own history, but Billy says, "We're always gonna be friends. Dat's how it started." "Well, actually it started with a lame 90210 crossover, but I get your meaning." She tells Billy what's been going on, adding that Jake seems to expect her to dump him: "Every other woman Jake's been with has left as soon as something better came along." "I dunno 'bout dat, Alison. Did you see Daphne Zuniga in 'Pandora's Clock'? Gaaaah!" Alison says, "I never felt this way before. I don't want to lose him." Billy stares blankly at her. [The script reads: Alison sees the hurt look on Billy's face.] "Oh, I'm sorry, Billy! I shouldn't have said anything." "Daah, dat's OK. I am impervious to emotion." He suggests that she give Jake a few days to come around.
Back at Shooter's (The Only Bar in Town), Alison tells Jake that this was not a rejection -- she simply wouldn't know the first thing about running a bar. Jake gets fatalistic and says, "You're just on the rebound." Alison gets mad! "Why do you think I'm so eager to get up and walk out?" Jake opens up a bit (!) and says this relationship is special to him. By offering her a portion of Shooter's, "I just wanted to express this with something that's part of me." "I think you've already done that, Jake. Nudge nudge wink wink." She proposes that Jake teach her the ins and outs of the business for the rest of the year. If they think she can handle it afterward, she'll accept the lease.
Later, Jake sees Alison making room for herself in his office. "The first thing I'm going to do, Jake, is scrub the top of this desk!" "No, Alison! That's covered with great memories!" Alison is getting more into the idea of co-running Shooter's, and she and Jake get frisky, while dozens of customers -- taking advantage of the absence of anyone in charge -- help themselves to free pints of Guinness.
Amanda is hurriedly getting dressed for work. "Hmmm, I didn't hear the alarm go off. How Bizarre!" "Yes, indeed," says The Burnt-Out Dr. Peter Burns. He is full of sarcasm as he gets out of bed. Then he commits the age-old sin of husbands: He drinks milk out of the carton! "Peter, use a glass." Amanda still thinks everything is going fine for him.
However, Matt shows up at the front door and asks Peter how he's feeling: "Don't worry about it, Peter. It happens to the best." Peter says, "I'm OK, Matt. Thanks." Matt says, "Hi, Heather. I haven't seen you in months!" "Hi, Doug. I have to run to the next scene. We'll probably share another few seconds later this season." "OK, Heather! Have a good subplot." "You, too, Doug. Bye!" Amanda asks Peter what Matt was talking about, and Peter says he froze in the operating room. The chances of his getting the Chief of Staff position are now nil. He says he was terrified he would make some mistake. Amanda tries to encourage him: "Don't worry. You're the great Peter Burns. You'll soon have the same skill you possessed back when you ordered Michael to cut me open. I love you!"
Jane visits her mom -- well, Mrs. Andrews -- in the Chicago hospital, where she is recovering from her surgery. Mom is wracked with guilt, and she worries that Jane will never forgive her for hiding the truth about her adoption. Jane says, "I could never hate you -- dislike you intensely, yes, but never hate you. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore." "Jane, didn't you say that two weeks ago?" "Yes, Mom, I did. The writers got lazy." She needs to find her real mother in Los Angeles.
At the offices of Dumb & Dumber, Amanda gets a message from ... the receptionist! (Put this episode in the time capsule! It must be saved!) Evil ex-CEO Arthur Fields wants to speak to her. She sees Billy, who asks what they should do about new boss Craig. She replies, "Keep our heads down and our backs to the wall. Craig is in charge -- for now." She then goes into her dinky new office, where the letters "Janitor" have recently been scraped off. She gets on the phone with Arthur, who says he's decided to act now against his son. He's filing a lawsuit, and he wants Amanda to report on Craig's reaction. "Wait a minute," she says. "You and your son conspire to kick me out, and now you want me to spy on him?" Craig walks in seconds later and gives Amanda a hard time about failing to bring Alison back into the D&D fold. He even makes a thinly veiled threat to fire her! Amanda thinks, "Well, maybe a little spying wouldn't be bad..."
At Kyle's, Cook Boy yells at his chefs. "This porridge is too hot! This porridge is too cold!" He sees Syd enter and tells his lackeys, "Leave the kitchen! Go to Burger King!" Syd says, "Last night was the most wonderful night of my life. Please, Kyle, get your spatula!" She tries to kiss him, but he gently pushes her away. "It's not gonna happen again." He says he made a mistake, and he didn't mean to mislead her. Lip Lass shows up: "Hey, what's with the chefs? They're replacing the Steak Tartars with Whoppers!" Kyle says, "I was just telling Syd I couldn't...ah, cater her party. Yeah, that's it!" Syd quickly leaves before the tears can flow. Cook Boy then slays a lobster on live television! AIEEEEE!! Fox has gone too far this time!
The next day, Syd sees Kyle and Taylor as they leave the swimming pool. She and Kyle exchange hurt glances, but that's all. Syd sees Jane return home and tells her she needs to talk about her problems. "Not now, Syd."
Craig and Amanda walk out of a successful meeting. He's amazed that Amanda handled things so well with the client, even without the seemingly necessary Alison. He suggests that he take her out to dinner to celebrate. Amanda, now in full Scheme Mode, agrees, thinking "Soon, slave, you will be licking my boots once more."
Billy sees Samantha struggling with a couple of packages in the courtyard and he gives her a hand. She tells him that she has a new paint set. "Daah, with numbers and everything? Wow." Billy, in a lonely mood after his chat with Alison, again asks Sam out on a date. "Billy, I'm seeing Craig." He then realizes that Craig bought her the paint set, and suggests that Craig is trying to win her favor through gifts. Oh, bad thing to say, Billy! Sam does not appreciate the suggestion that she can be "bought" and says, "Maybe we could have had something. But it's too late now, soccer boy."
Syd pushes her way into Jane's apartment, going on and on about her problems lately. Jane patiently tries to shrug her off. "Come on, Jane, you're my sister!" "I'm not your sister, Sydney." Syd is stunned and automatically assumes that she is the adopted one, but Jane tells her the truth. Syd composes herself and says it doesn't matter. Jane can't talk about it and leaves.
At dinner, Craig tries to smooth-talk Amanda. "You are breathtakingly beautiful, Amanda. And I loved you in 'T.J. Hooker."" She plays along and pretends to be dumb when Craig mentions his father's lawsuit. "Daah, what lawsuit, Craig?" "Wow, Amanda, you sounded just like Billy for a second." "Gaaah!" He is confident he'll win against his father. When she asks why, he says, "Skeletons in the closet, Amanda. I know too many family secrets." She lets him escort her onto the dance floor. She must have this information!
The next morning, Peter is a bit snippy about her late-night exploits, and Amanda honestly tells him where she was and with whom. He says, "I'm going golfing." "What? With your practice in trouble, you're going to take the day off on the golf course?!" He says, "If you're going to spend the night with a strange man, I don't see why I should explain my actions to you. Besides, the Pebble Beach Pro-Am Tournament is coming up, and I refuse to be beaten by Jon Bon Jovi again!"
At D&D, Billy quizzes Craig about Samantha, and Craig tells him it's none of his business. "Daah, yes, it is none of my business -- unless of course you hurt her, then I'll have to kick yer teeth in. Ya know, we got dental coverage here at D&D."
Jane arrives at the street address for her real mother that she received back in Chicago, but it's a dead end. She walks toward the mailman. After he puts his gun away (this is L.A., after all), Jane asks him if he knew the woman who used to live here -- Sherry Larson. After a few seconds, his remaining brain cells kick in, and he tells Jane that Sherry was an actress, but that's all he knows.
Syd visits Jane again, and now she's pissed. She is determined to be there for Jane, and she won't let her drive her away. Jane says she has to find her real mother. Sydney doesn't want Jane to shut her out, saying "I chose to have a relationship with you. I looked up to you, I envied you, I lusted after your husband..." Jane says, "All we ever do is fight." In tears, Syd offers to help Jane in her search, but Jane says she must do this alone. Rejected, Syd leaves, vowing to wear last year's terrible clothes until Jane snaps out of it.
Craig brings Samantha to a huge, attractive loft apartment which he says a "friend" of his is interested in. When he asks her for her opinion, Sam gushes, saying it's the perfect studio. He tosses her the keys -- it's hers! "I wasn't looking at this for a friend. I was looking at it for you." Sam says she can't accept it, but he tells her, "No strings attached." He says he wants to give her the chance to be a great artist. Sam believes him (sap!) and accepts. He says, "I got a really good deal on it. Of course, you'll have to make do without a bathroom..."
Peter sits at the bar at Kyle's and thanks Taylor for talking to him the other night. Lip Lass wonders why he couldn't talk to Amanda, and he says she's got her own problems. Taylor adds, "Bet you wish she was more like Beth." Hey! Peter lets her know she's going a bit too far. "It's not really fair for Amanda or Beth." Kyle happens to see Taylor place her hand on Peter's just before he leaves. On the way out, Kyle walks up to Peter and says, "You wanna be my wife's friend, fine, but if you so much as touch her, I'm gonna tear your throat out." "Like Patrick Swayze in 'Roadhouse'? Neat!" An incredulous Peter tells him not to worry, and he almost says that Taylor is his sister-in-law, but he drops it.
Kyle visits Syd at Jane's shop to apologize: "I wasn't thinking straight." Syd, still devastated by Jane's rejection, gets increasingly upset as she talks to him. "Sometimes life really ... sucks!" She starts to cry, and Kyle hugs her. A rarity on Melrose Place: physical contact without sex!
Jane walks toward a Hollywood movie memorabilia store. The owner says he just closed for the night, but Jane pleads with him: "Please, I'm a confused ex-stalker. Let me in for a moment." She tells him she's doing research on an actress named Sherry Larson. The guy looks through his files and says, "Ah ha! Her stage name was Sherry Dusette. She did some Corman flicks, I think." He pulls out an 8x10 glossy photo. Jane stares at it and says, "Oh my God, it's Donna Mills!"
Next Week: Look out -- Amanda is reaching for the golf clubs again! Jane makes contact with the mother ship!
--Ken Hart
