![[IMAGE]](../graphics/graysqua.gif)
Oooo, bad episode. Seeing the name "Chuck Woolery" in the episode credits is never a good sign! The two new guest stars don't start off well, especially Loni Anderson as the Evil Beauty Queen Wannabe Mother. The image of her swearing vengeance does not exactly send chills down the spine, and if she tried to scowl, she'd definitely pull a muscle!
The Matt Slot goes to ... Fashion Boy! The Gelled Wonder was completely absent! I like it! Matt was tops among the main characters: He made a token appearance -- with 5 minutes to spare!
Jo enters the Melrose Place courtyard during the day to find a young boy (4 or 5 years old?) playing with a ball that then falls into the dreaded pool. The boy's mother chastises him, while Jo tells him about the nice dead lady who fell in. The woman introduces herself as Laurie, with her son Tyler. She's waiting for Sydney to turn up. "I'm an old friend from Chicago." Jo takes a liking to the kid; she says they can hang out at her place until Syd shows up.
That night, Syd still hasn't appeared, and Laurie says she has little money and nowhere else to go. Jo is about to say, "You want a handout? Does this look like 'Party of Five'?" but she likes Tyler, so she offers to let them crash there for the night.
By morning, Syd has finally returned, and she happily greets Laurie and Tyler when they appear (with Jo) at her front door. Laurie says she's left "Tony" for good, and she asks Syd for a place to stay until she recovers her financial footing. Syd hems and haws, then a disheveled and sleepy Bobby appears and wants to know where all the hemming and hawing is coming from. Jo Gapes! Syd asks him to turn over the flapjacks (!), then says quietly to Laurie, "I'm sorry, but things are really delicate with me and Billy right now..." Jo shakes her head: "Syd, you are so lame..." Jo tells Laurie and Tyler they can stay with her for now.
Later, Syd and Laurie meet during the day at Shooter's, The Only Bar in Town. (A day scene at Shooter's?! Shocking!) Syd says she'll help Laurie get a new job and an apartment. She adds, "Jo has a 'mother thing'" so Laurie should take advantage of it and get Jo to babysit Tyler whenever possible: "Don't worry -- she's kind of a sap." (I love Syd!) Laurie then asks, "So tell me about this meatball you're shacking up with." Syd says, "He's a meatball hero!" Progress has been slow, and she fears she's losing her touch. Laurie suggests that Syd and Bobby get tattoos -- it'll result in great sex!
Jo is chatting with Tyler back at her place. He asks her, "Do you have kids?" Jo is lost in thought for half a second (Billy would be lost for half an hour!), then says no. "Are you married?" "No." "Why not?" "Because all men are backstabbing little weasels with goatees and gelled heads!" "Well, I'd marry you." "Hmmm, well, maybe you'd be worth waiting for." Hey Hey Hey! What's with the Joan Collins impersonation here?
Jo returns home the next day to find Major Disorder and Corporal Punishment! Laurie has apparently just whacked Tyler for playing with the dangerous, evil, nasty stove. "But Mommmmm, it's just a prop, it's doesn't work! Waaaaaahh!" Jo is not thrilled, but she stays quiet. Laurie asks if Jo can babysit Tyler while she looks for an apartment with Syd. Jo immediately agrees. (Sap!)
At night, Jo runs a bath for Tyler as per Mom's instructions. She helps Tyler off with his shirt. (A first for Melrose Place -- a woman removes a male's shirt with no sexual connotations whatsoever!) She's shocked to see ugly bruises across his shoulders. "How did you get these?" "I dunno -- I fell." He runs off as Jo ponders the beginning of this new subplot: "Thank God I don't have to kiss Fashion Boy anymore."
Syd escorts a drunken Bobby out of Shooter's that night and walks him down the block -- into a tattoo parlor! The next morning, Bobby wakes up with a massive hangover and a huge spider-web tattoo across his elbow! Cool! (Gee, can I be really egotistical and wonder if any of the writers saw my home page? Naah!) Syd thinks it's great, but he's horrified. "How did they do this to me?" "Well, you made it easy when you passed out in the chair!" "I got through the Navy, the CIA, and the Church of Scientology without getting a tattoo, and now after two days with you ... Grrr!" Syd says she got a tattoo, also! It's this teeny-tiny heart on her chest! Syd lovingly proclaims, "We shared in the pain! We bonded!" Bobby goes back into his room and slams the door! Syd looks confused.
Peter meets a jogging Kimberly along the beach. He's concerned about her desire for secrecy. She's worried that if Michael sees her going into Peter's office at the hospital, he might suspect something is wrong. Silly him! Peter says, "What about the mood swings?" "Oh, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine..." Is that one "I'm fine" for each personality? She asks if Peter can get Michael out of town for several days. She thinks if she just has some time to herself, she can resolve this. Making the marriage work is the most important thing to her right now. The Bizarre One says, "Well, something has conveniently just popped up... All right, I'll do it, but you take your medication like a good little schizophrenic, OK?"
At Dumb & Dumber, Alison is still cleaning out her desk. Amanda says, "My God, Alison, it's been two weeks since the last episode, and you're not done YET?" She makes the token effort to get Alison to stay, but Alison doesn't want any part of it. She says Amanda's fooling herself if she thinks she can ride on Billy to break the Old Boys Network. (CBS?) She adds, "It's too bad, because you used to have talent." Amanda smiles and says Alison will always be an amateur. Alison quickly replies, "I'm happy to be an amateur if being a pro means acting like the women on Sunset Boulevard turning out tricks." Zing! Don't you wish YOU could come up with snazzy retorts like that in everyday life? Only on TV! Alison sees Billy on the way out. She's honestly concerned about him. "Daaah, I'm fine. You're ridiculous!" She leaves, and Billy yells at the faceless receptionist: "Let's go -- gimme my messages!" (One of these days, the writers will learn about this new invention called voice mail.)
At Shooter's, Jake takes Jane aside and says he's worried about her business -- neon-blue shoulder pads just aren't in style anymore. He says he's worked out a deal with Fashion Boy so that Jane can concentrate on the designs while FB handles the business end. Jane is upset that Jake has gone behind her back. Jake assures her that she'd be in control: "You're letting your pride get in the way of things." "That's right -- I have pride, for the first time this season!"
Peter talks to Michael about their partnership. "Let's try to be better partners, even ... friends." (The Bizarre One maintains a tight smile throughout!) They've been invited to be judges at a beauty pageant this weekend: Miss Health & Fitness. Michael says, "Pete, I'm glad you're over the Amanda thing and a hound again, but I have a woman now. I'm not into strange babes." (Uh, well...) Peter increases the charm and says Kimberly won't mind. "It's a Guy Thing!"
Alison visits Jake at Shooter's and says it feels great to be out of D&D. Unfortunately, she'll have to find a new way to pay the bills. Jake offers her a job at Shooter's. She smiles: "Are you the safety net for the whole apartment complex?" (OK, let me get this straight: Alison, a recovering alcoholic and former boss of D&D, is going to be waiting tables at a bar for 5 bucks an hour?!? Hoo boy! Is the employment situation that bad in L.A.?) In return, Jake asks her to talk to Jane and convince her that the deal with Fashion Boy is necessary.
Peter is about to leave his office at night when Amanda appears in a (what else?) short skirt. Peter isn't really in the mood to talk to her, but she wants to return the bracelet. Sadly, she says, "We're not involved -- I thought we were clear..." "Clear, my butt!! We're involved, Amanda! After you get through playing with every Ken doll, we'll be together. You may be 80 by then, but you'll be there!" Amanda says he's lied too often for her to trust him. He says, "Everything I do, I do for you." "Another lie -- and stop quoting Bryan Adams!" "You love me." "No, I don't." The Bizarre One kisses her passionately and she responds! He breaks off and says, "Now who's lying?" He leaves. Hey, Petey, what are you going to do? Lock up Amanda in your office overnight?
At the hotel that is hosting the All-Important Miss Health & Fitness Beauty Pageant, Peter and Michael are surrounded by beautiful, anorexic, underage women. But Michael is sad -- he misses Kimberly! (Awwww...) He walks off to make a phone call, and the Bizarre One is approached by Loni Anderson! "Hi, I'm Terri Carson. This is my daughter Brandy." Brandy is, of course, one of the contestants. Terri cozies up to a confused Peter as she tells Brandy, "Go find the other one." She flashes her reinforced attributes at Peter, saying "I don't intend to let you out of my sight!" She invites him to dinner. Peter puts up a valiant front, but he inevitably weakens: "Uh, how about 8-ish?"
Michael, meanwhile, uses his cellular phone and calls Kimberly, who looks increasingly unsure of herself. She says she misses him, too, but asks him not to call again: "I really need to be alone." As he hangs up, Brandy bumps into him. She asks to make a phone call, and Michael looks at her like she just dropped in from another show. She makes small talk: "Have you ever seen so many beautiful girls? It's like a Melissa Etheridge video -- I don't stand a chance." Michael agrees to let her use the phone for a second. She says, "Let me pay for the phone call, " and she tries to kiss him! Michael, stunned, deflects her.
Billy and Amanda visit Shooter's that night (where else would they go?) and are surprised to see Alison waiting tables! They exchange brief unpleasantries with her. Amanda later says to Billy, "I can't get a straight answer out of the board about my contract." She's worried that Arthur Field is going to drop her. Billy suggests she invite the board members to some innocuous social setting, say, a birthday party for herself. "Daah, you can invite all your friends." "I don't have friends, Billy. I just have enemies and associates." "What am I?" "That's up to you."
Back at the hotel, Peter and Terri have just finished dinner. They see a thoroughly depressed Michael, who can't stop thinking about Kimberly. (Awwww...) As Peter and Terri enter the elevator, she hits the Stop button and tries to rip off his clothes. Peter protests -- these clothes are expensive! "I'm in love with another woman!" "What's love got to do with it?" He valiantly fights her off, and she is not happy. "I'm not used to being turned down. Whenever I want to be in a TV movie, I get it!" She'll do whatever it takes for Brandy to win the All-Important Miss Health & Fitness pageant. "What happened tonight buys your vote -- whether it was consummated or not. You and Burt Reynolds will suffer my wrath!" She gets off the elevator, and Peter wonders how he got into this latest mess.
Terri walks toward the beach, just in time to see Brandy approach Michael, who is sitting forlornly by himself. Brandy comes on to him, then knocks him to the sand and starts stripping on top of him! Michael feebly protests, but he lacks Peter's Bizarre moral fortitude! Brandy keeps kissing him, saying "Vote for me. Vote for me. Vote for me." Does Bob Dole know about this tactic?
In the morning, Michael is panicking: He lost his wedding ring in the sand! He hires an unnamed extra to hold a metal detector. Kim calls on his cellular. D'OH! She misses him! Awwww! She wants him back as soon as possible! "I'll be back tomorrow." As he hangs up the phone, he mutters, "If I don't find the damn ring, I'm a dead man!"
At Shooter's, Jane tells Jake she realizes she could benefit from the FB deal. But she's worried about how Jake will handle Fashion Boy's continual presence in her life again. Jake says, "I trust you. How much more comfortable do I need to be?" "Well, you could start by wearing Relaxed Fit jeans." They get kissy-face.
Back at the hotel, it's awards time! Our master of ceremonies is Chuck Woolery (oh, the pain, the pain...). Michael is extremely worried. He whispers to Peter, "You did vote for Brandy, right? Oh, man, she'd better win." "Michael, this isn't team judging!" Chuck announces the winners: Brandy got First Runner-Up! Not good enough! Terri runs up to Peter and yells, "You bastard! Now she'll never be Miss California!" Peter looks at a confused Michael and shrugs, "Sore losers."
During the night, Billy is pawing Amanda in her bed, but she's not in the mood. "Daah, can I make you some cocoa? Say, let's watch wrestling!" Amanda is crying! "Don't cry, 'Manda -- we don't haf ta watch wrestling!" Apparently, she's really worried that she'll be dumped by D&D. Billy says he'll talk to the board: "I'm hot right now! They can't say no to me!" Amanda asks him not to risk his status for her sake: "Promise me you won't do anything on my behalf." "Daaah, I'm not gonna promise anything." She tearfully leaves the bed and snuggles before the TV on the sofa -- and she smiles! Hah, Billy's been had!
Michael comes home to a happy Kimberly. But he says he lost the wedding ring "while bodysurfing." Kim says, "Ooooh, that's a bad sign, Michael." He tells her not to worry: "You and me are forever."
It's a birthday party for Amanda, and all the speaking and non-speaking members of D&D are there. Arthur Field talks to her privately and renews her Special Guest Star status for three more years. She thanks him, but he says Billy threatened to quit if they didn't give her a new contract. Billy finds her and suggests they "celebrate" tonight. (Nudge nudge wink wink.) Amanda calmly says, "I was looking forward to going to Peter's tonight." "Gaah, yer joking." Nope. Amanda thanks him for his help, but that's over. The truth slowly dawns on Billy: "You were using me." "That's the polite term for it." Yow!
She heads for The Bizarre Residence that night, where she lets Peter know that his efforts have not been in vain. Huzzah! Just before they can embrace, though, the doorbell rings. It's Terri! She accuses Peter of having sex with her 17-year-old daughter and he'll be hearing from her lawyers! "Lady, you are crazy!" Terri leaves, but Amanda is horrified! "You had sex with a 17-year-old?!" "Noooo! Don't tell me you believe her?" Amanda angrily walks out: "I can't believe that in a moment of weakness, I almost let myself get sucked into your sick, twisted world. Damn you, Aaron Spelling!"
Next Week: No Melrose! It's the two-hour premiere of "Profit," which does look quite cool. In Two Weeks: Peter is arrested! Sydney becomes a porn producer -- yes! And Richard assaults Jane! Die, Fashion Boy, Die!
--Ken Hart
