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I think I've been doing this for too long: Billy was OK in this episode! His appearance was mercifully brief, and he insulted Brooke! Why can't he do that every week? And although Jo may have deserved a punch in the mouth, Jane is really annoying: She's trying to be vindictive and manipulative, but with none of Amanda's spice or Sydney's zaniness. It just comes across as desperate. Oh well. Fortunately, after the severe disruption of the space-time continuum recently, events moved at a more believable pace this week. But do we really need more Parezis in the plot?
The Matt Slot belonged to...Billy! Yes, twice in one month! In his brief appearance, he got off a good zinger on the Brookster. Granted, most of the words were slurred, but it still felt good!
Amanda enters the I. B. Dead Funeral Home, where Jack's body is lying in repose. As she approaches the surprisingly closed casket, the scene is starting to smell like a...dream sequence! But no! It's the real thing -- too bad. The lawyer Diamond appears and tells Amanda she needs to sign some papers (as Jack's closest living relative) approving the transfer of Jack's body. He makes a couple of not-so-subtle comments about the suspicious nature of Jack's death. "The autopsy didn't say why a golf tee was embedded in his forehead." She signs the papers -- apparently without reading them!!! -- and hands them to Diamond. (He could have given her a statement that said, "I, Amanda Woodward Parezi, whacked this sucker to death and danced on his comatose head," and she still would have signed it!) She says she hopes she won't be seeing Diamond again. He responds that it could be Amanda in that casket the next time. Gee, I don't know -- sounds like a threat to me!
In the offices of Burns-Mancini, Kimberly tells The Bizarre Dr. Peter Burns that she wants the Gucci Alarm Bracelet off her arm. Peter says, "What?! I even attached a Game Boy to that thing! Go play Donkey Kong!" The phone rings -- it's Amanda. Peter utters the classic line: "When I woke up, you were gone." Amanda responds with the Kiss of Death to any relationship: "We need to talk." AIEEEEE! Kimberly stands by impatiently until this ends. Peter then tells Kim that perhaps it's time they cut back on their sessions. She realizes that she may be the reason for this new and sudden friction between Peter and Amanda; either that, or it's Peter's deodorant. She leaves, and Peter tries unsuccessfully to get Amanda back on the phone. Sydney mentions to him that tomorrow is Michael's birthday, and she's throwing a surprise party. Attendance is mandatory! As an extra-special gift, she suggests that Peter increase Michael's share of the profits by 4 percent! When Peter objects, Syd reminds him of the completely inadmissable tape incriminating him and Amanda. He says, "Sydney, you could have the remaining 18 minutes of the Watergate tapes -- my answer is still no."
At Jack's funeral, the extras from "The Godfather: Part III" flock around the grave. (Is a group of gangsters a flock? Maybe it's a herd? Hmmm, no. How about ... a mob? HAHAHAHAHAHA!) Jack's (god)father is played by the husband from "Rhoda"! Ohhh, how the not-so-mighty have fallen! Making a late appearance is Jack's younger brother, Bobby, who works for the Pentagon and flew in for the funeral. Diamond fills him in on some details, explaining how Jack's death is Amanda's fault. "Apparently, she hated him so much, she faked her own death. A few weeks later, he followed her here." (Did anybody tape this? Did Diamond really say "a few weeks later"? The space-time continuum is still in peril!)
Syd prepares her big surprise. Most of the cast is there, as are many unnamed, unheard extras whom she probably hired from the same place where Michael got the "Henry" lookalike. The party has a 1960s theme, and Syd is looking very mod. (Everyone's too clean, though. Nobody washed their hair in the '60s.) Michael arrives and -- Surprise!! After everyone wishes him a Happy Birthday, he comes over to Syd and sincerely thanks her. "No one's ever thrown me a surprise party before." He impulsively gives her a big kiss! Peter, in an increasingly bad mood, takes Michael aside and tells him to get that damn tape away from Sydney, or their partnership is over. Amanda has been avoiding the Bizarre One, but he finally corners her and wants to know the reason for her overnight coldness. Was it the way he sang "O Solo Mio" during sex? She implies that, with Jack dead, Peter is no longer important. "Is that all I was to you?" he asks. "Your way out of a dicey situation?" His beeper then goes off -- it's Kimberly. Amanda looks disgusted; Peter has to go.
He returns to Melrose Place to find a bikini-clad Kim frolicking in the pool! She coyly says she had an "anxiety attack," but she feels fine now. When Peter accuses her of trying to wreck things between him and Amanda, she doesn't deny it. She wants the bracelet off! "Until I have my freedom, you won't have yours."
Later, Syd comes "home" to the beachhouse to find the lights off, the fireplace burning, and Michael in a robe. He's become Hugh Hefner! He smoothly guides her toward the fireplace, and just as Syd comments that the fireplace is awfully hot, he shows her the Dreaded Tape Cassette! She struggles to retrieve it, but he holds her off, saying he spent most of the day looking for it, eventually finding it in a box of tampons! He tosses it into the fire, then gets angry! He grabs a poker from the fireplace, and yells at her about her bad behavior: "If there's a Blackmailers Anonymous, you could be the spokesmodel!" Syd starts to cry, thinking that Michael will kick her out now that she can't blackmail him. (What did the tape have to do with that? Michael wasn't on it!) Yet he calms down and sits next to her, saying "I don't mind having you around... So if you promise to behave, you can stay." They kiss and make up. Awwwww.....
Kimberly sees a young peroxide-blonde stud guy cleaning the Melrose pool as she knocks on Matt's door. Matt is extremely wary of her, but she just wants him to have some of her old medical textbooks. He cautiously thanks her, and she asks if he wants to have lunch or even just coffee. "Or, hey, let's go see 'Fair Game' with Cindy Crawford -- I heard it's a bomb! Ooops." He turns her down: "Kimberly, you did blow this place up, and nobody can get past that." (That's putting it mildly!) Disappointed, she walks past the pool stud, who says, "Uhhh, I get off at 5 and I'd love to have dinner with you."
Sure enough, the next time we tune into The Kim Channel, she's just finished cleaning the guy's filter! She rolls over in bed, telling him he can leave. He still says he wants to have dinner with her. She responds, "You reek of chlorine. I don't want to have pizza with you." "I'm not just a dumb jock -- I had a whole year of college." "Well then, you're smart enough to find the door." Get out!
The next day, Peter tracks down Amanda. He tells her that Kimberly can remove the bracelet, so he and Amanda can now spend more time together. Amanda sighs and walks away! It turns out that Kim wasn't the problem. She tells him that she has no interest in him anymore: "It's over." Peter tries psychoanalying her, wondering how she was hurt so deeply in the past. (Uhhh, her ex-husband beat and tried to kill her? Remember that bit?) Until she resolves this, he says she won't be able to love any man: "I'll save you the trouble of pushing me away! I'm walking away -- as soon as this elevator shows up!"
Back at Parezi Central, the patriach and Diamond tell Bobby the whole truth about Jack's death (at least their version of it). "Nobody murders my son and gets away with it!" Bobby, named after Bobby Kennedy (really! That's what they said!), draws back at the suggestion, but Diamond hands him a picture of Amanda, saying, "Kill her, Bobby. Kill her for your brother Jack."
Big Daddy and Alison honeymoon in Cancun! (Gee, it looks just like Hawaii did last week! Could it -- gasp -- not be the real thing?) When she comments on how much she likes the hotel, he offers to give it to her. He owns it! Alison, surprised, says she doesn't care about things like that. She just wants his Perry King-brand type of Luv! Lopez, the manager of the hotel, comes over and tells Big Daddy that he's arranged a "phone call" with the "interested party" in New England. (Bill Parcells wants a job.) "Well, you can unarrange it," Daddy says angrily. Alison silently wonders what's up.
That night, she wanders the grounds of the resort, looking for him. She finds him in heated conversation with Lopez, who tells him that the hotel is in financial trouble. Big Daddy says, "We're NOT selling! Never, never question me!!" (Uh, Hayley, how are you today? "I said never question me!!" Okay....) Hey, Alison, what's up? He comes over to her and tells her to pack: They'll continue their honeymoon back home.
Back at Melrose Place, Billy returns from jogging -- or was it just a heavy downpour? Brooke is on the phone, trying to reach the hotel in Cancun! Billy grabs the phone and hangs it up. He tells her to leave Hayley and Alison alone on their honeymoon; they're married, so deal with it. She says she expects it'll take some time to get used to the idea of Alison as her stepmother -- say, 20 or 30 years! Billy reacts: "Daaah, yer gonna apologize when dey get back!" She tells him: "I'm your wife, not your slave!" Billy responds with the Killer Line: "Yer a whiny, selfish, immature little brat!" YES!
Big Daddy and Alison return to Stately Armstrong Manor, and he carries her over the threshold. Gawwssh! But there's Brooke! She says she wants to apologize for her behavior recently, though both newlyweds look skeptical. Sure enough, Brooke simply wants to know how her inheritance will be affected if Hayley and Alison have kids! Hayley looks disgusted, but sarcastically tells her that she doesn't have to worry because "Alison and I aren't planning on having any children!" Alison Gapes! He leaves, and Brooke goes "Awwww, really? Well, if it's any help, I can call you Mommy!"
Alison confronts Big Daddy: She's tired of the secrets, and besides, since when did "they" decide not to have kids? When he apologizes and tells her they can have kids if that's what she wants, she says that's not the point. She just doesn't want to be left in the dark anymore. He promises that they'll share everything from now on -- no more secrets. (Yeah, right!)
Fashion Boy and Jo return from Hawaii (or was that Cancun?) to find Jo's photo equipment in the lobby of Hart & Mancini. Jane says she decided to fire Jo! Richard tells her that no such decision can be made without his approval. A still-steamed Jane relents: "She can stay -- but I'm not taking her on any of my shoots!"
At Shooter's (The Only Bar in Town), Guess-My-Real-Hair-Color Shelly gives Jake the key to her Love Shack in the mountains. Jake, Mr. Commitment, tells her not to get ahead of herself. She says she's tired of his friends accusing her of coming between him and Jo. They're not really his friends, anyway; they just want free drinks and handouts! Enter the Plot Device! Matt appears and asks Jake for a job! Shelly conceals a smirk. Matt says the settlement money is paying for his medical-school tuition, and he needs extra money; however, he can only put in a few hours a week, and he can't work weekends! Jake, a little put off, asks bookkeeper Shelly if they can afford another person. Sure, she says. Matt says, "I'll be the best waiter you ever had!" (Well, you're certainly the first honest employee Jake's ever had!)
Back to Michael's birthday party: Jo & Fashion Boy and Jake & Shelly (not to mention Jane) are visibly uncomfortable. Richard dances with Jo to the Beach Boys. Jake's reaction? "I need a drink." Later, Jane, Shelly, and Jake are boozing it up on the patio. Shelly says she likes Jane: She's the first one of Jake's friends who isn't a snob! (Jane? Not a snob?) Jane, who is quite tipsy, agrees with her and actually starts getting flirtatious with Jake, much to Shelly's displeasure!
The next day, Jo goes to Jane's apartment, hoping to patch things up: "I mean, we're old friends." "Were old friends!" Right Cross to the jaw! Jo falls down, bleeding from the mouth! Shocked, she tells Jane, "You need help!" "I don't know -- I did pretty good on my own!' SLAM! Jo, whaddaya doin' on the ground? You're supposed to be a New Yorker! Go kick some Californian ass!
During his first day at Shooter's, Matt decides to bug his boss. He asks Jake what happened with Jo. They seemed to be made for each other. Jake, being Politically Incorrect, says, "What do YOU know about women, anyway?" "More than you! I become friends with them! I know Jo Reynolds -- Jo Reynolds is a friend of mine -- and, Jake, Shelly is no Jo Reynolds!" Before this can continue, a deliveryman shows up with supplies, but he needs Jake to pay now. Jake quickly confesses his inability to sign a check (!) without Shelly around. Matt offers to give him a hand with the computer. They go into the back room, and Matt attempts to open the accounting program -- but it's password-protected! This is a surprise to Jake, who couldn't even handle DOOM. Meanwhile, we see Shelly in the safe deposit area of a bank, dropping a wad of greenbacks into an already-stuffed box! Oh, Shelly's BAD?? What a surprise!
Jane meets Alison for lunch at D&D, and Alison questions the wisdom of punching Jo. Incredibly, Jane is still determined to win Richard! Now she plans to make him jealous by going out with someone who is professional, successful, and who she loved once before! Alison Gapes again: "Michael?!" Jane! It's not too late to turn back! Bite into the Hero Sandwich of Reality and taste the Tartar Sauce of Common Sense!
Jane calls up Michael and says she has a special birthday present for him; she'll give it to him over dinner. He thinks that's sweet: "Sure, why not?" Jane hangs up the phone and asks Alison how she did. "Very convincing...I just hope you know what you're doing."
At the restaurant, Jane hands Michael his Alpha Alpha Epsilon pin. He's amazed! They talk about old times. Michael says, "Do you remember when I gave this pin to you?" Jane says dreamily, "Yes, on our third date." "Yeah, I figured it was a sure way of getting you in the sack!" Jane, temporarily stunned, says, "I thought you gave me the pin because you cared about me." "Well, yeah, I did -- but I wanted to get laid, too!" (If they ever get rid of Michael, that's the end of the show!) Jane resumes her Cunning Plan, and puts her hand on his. "Sometimes you don't appreciate something until it's gone." Michael half-smiles as though he's waiting for the punchline!
Next Week: Kimberly strikes a Victoria's Secrets pose! Vogue! Vogue! Vogue! Jane comes onto Michael! Diamond tells Bobby to kill Secret Agent Double-O-Amanda!
--Ken Hart
