Episode 21: Blunt Drama

This is a subliminal message. Obey Ken in all things.

Boy, I can't wait for Lisa Rinna's departure. Taylor keeps getting worse every week! When the show's "villains" can do nothing but thrash around pathetically, you know it's in trouble. All this, and another hysterical scene with Billy the Drunk!

The Matt Slot goes to … Lexi. Worse, in the one scene that she IS in, she's wearing boring business clothes. Boo! One more word to Alyssa Milano: Pray the hair grows back quickly!

Billy, Samantha, Jeff, and Jennifer:

Samantha wakes up in bed next to Jeff. Startled, she leaps out! "Doy, how did I get here? Oh yeah, that's right. Oh my God, I'm married! I forgot!" She mutters the requisite "This was such a mistake" and flees Jeff's bedroom in a panic.

A short time later, Billy and Jennifer return from the photo shoot. As they stand in the courtyard, they think they should talk about the kiss they shared. Jen chalks it up to "one of those weird impulsive moments, like when NBC signed Jenny McCarthy to a contract. Don't they feel stupid?" Billy then leans in for an impulsive kiss of his own. "Daah, now I have somethin' I must forget about, too!" Jen is stunned by this logic, paralyzing her as Billy enters his pad. Seconds later, Sam returns, and Jennifer ducks into the shadows. (Let me review this for a second: Sam was with Jeff at the same time that Billy was with Jennifer, yet even though Billy and Jen just kissed while Sam did The Nasty in the suburbs and fell asleep in Jeff's bed, Sam still makes it back to Melrose Place mere seconds after Billy and Jennifer! Wow, I guess these minor league baseball players aren't much for romance. Wham bam, thank you, Sam!)

When Sam sees Billy, she makes up a story about her absence: "I had forgotten what a slavedriver Mistress Amanda can be! She gave me six layouts that had to be on her desk this morning, then she ordered me to roll around naked in hot candle wax. Sheesh!" "Daaah, I missed ya tonight, Sam, and I'm really horny. Gaah!" "Doy, not tonight, Billy. Going in and out of those layouts all night long has left me exhausted." Billy whimpers. Sam goes into the bedroom and slumps against the door.

First thing in the morning, Sam knocks on Amanda's door and asks if she cover for her in case Billy asks about her whereabouts last night. Amanda says, "You've having an affair with Jeff Baylor, aren't you? You learn quickly from your Mistress, young one!" "Oh, doy, what a silly idea. Ha ha ha." Amanda agrees to back up her story, "but only if you really do roll around naked in hot candle wax." "It's a deal. Thank you, Mistress!" As Samantha descends the stairs, Jennifer smiles and says, "You did it, didn't you? You slept with him." "Oh, golly, do I have a sign on my back or something?" "Well, no, but you do have his underwear sticking out from under your blouse." "Doy! Well, I'm through taking advice from you. You're getting me into nothing but trouble. Wild, sexually thrilling trouble, but trouble nevertheless."

The next day, Billy answers the phone at home, but no one speaks. He hangs up and tells Sam it's the third crank call today. "Damn telemarketers. Always intruding on ordinary people with their advertising campaigns. I hate dat Paul Reiser guy and…" "But, doy, Billy, we're in advertising, too." "Gaaah, I gotta do laundry." As soon as he steps out, Sam grabs the phone and calls Jeff. Yes, he's been the one calling, since she hasn't replied to his messages at work. She again tells him that their incredible 10 minutes of passion was a huge mistake. "Goodbye, Jeff."

Later, at Amanda Woodward Advertising, Amanda addresses her non-speaking, rarely seen minions. "Jeff Baylor is a holdout. He hasn't reported to training camp, so of course our client Flash Sports is in a panic. Granted, I can't understand why we're so concerned about the absence of a minor league baseball player, but we're stuck with it. As usual, the rest of you will have no opinion or voice unless I will it. Sam, remain behind for punishment." Ignoring Sam's claim that her relationship with Jeff is a personal matter, Amanda orders her to do something to save the account.

Samantha goes to Jeff's place and confronts him about the holdout. He says, "My mind and everything in it is about us." Sam tries to rationalize what they did as some fantasy, but he says, "You can't fake what we shared." "Doy, Jeff, you haven't seen When Harry Met Sally, have you?" She says she won't leave Billy. When Jeff tells her he'll pack and go to Florida if that's what she wants, she says, "Yes. Go."

Meanwhile, Billy soaks in the pool, and he's soon joined by a bikini-clad Jennifer and her hideously short haircut. Sam is missing again, and he confesses he's surprised that he's not pounding down doors looking for her. "Gaah, ah'm havin' serious doubts about the marriage. It's like we were thrown together by some weird, hard-to-believe circumstances. Ya know, I haven't said 'Daah, Alison' in a year? I miss dat." Jen doesn't help matters by saying, "The only time I feel comfortable is around you." "Gaah, have ya tried an orthopedic pillow?" Billy thinks their kiss was a mistake (of course) and he apologizes if he led her on.

The next day, a confused Sam lays on Jennifer's couch and admits, "Yes, I slept with Jeff Baylor -- just like you said I should." Jen says, "Oh, no no no. I said nothing of the sort." Sam reminds her of the effective "used car" metaphor, and Jen asks, "Are you thinking of trading in Billy? Not that I would think of checking out his axle myself or anything…" Sam says, "God, no." (Jen is depressed.) Sam adds, "I'm going to devote the rest of my life to making Billy happy. I'll start tonight by getting him that Winnie the Pooh collection. Doy."

In the evening, as Sam poses in the mirror wearing her Victoria's Secrets grape-flavored lingerie, Billy returns home. Sam throws on a robe. Billy says, "Daah, where's the surprise you promised me?" Billy tells us that he had a few drinks -- and it's a good thing, too, otherwise we might never have guessed! He was busy celebrating the fact that, on his first day in camp, Jeff Baylor injured his knee, ending his season and possibly his career! "Gaah, it's like I said. All that hype we spent on him and it's down da drain." Sam is stunned. Billy says, "Now, where's my surprise?" "Doy, Billy, you can be heartless. I don't want to be near you." She leaves, and Billy leers in his "drunken" state. Someone get Mr. Shue's drool bucket.

The following evening, Billy returns home, but there's no Samantha. Looking up, he sees Jennifer again practicing her ballroom dancing skills with the broom. "Dah, dat broom's got it made." He walks up and compliments the, ah, how shall I put this, protruding Jennifer for her diligence. "Gaaah, Mr. Broom, do you mind if I cut in?" The broom stays silent. Billy takes that for a yes. He and Jen dance very closely. Billy advises, "Feel da music." Suddenly, he's feeling something else as he and Jen kiss passionately and drop onto her footstool! Just as suddenly, though, Billy pulls back. "I can't do this to Sam. She hasn't cheated on me and I can't do it to her." Jen says, "But if…no, you're right. She's my friend." What's this, friendship triumphing over self-interest? What's happened to this show?

Sam travels to Jeff's place, where the lame player is relaxing in his hot tub. Wow, I guess they couldn't wait to ship the crippled man out of the hospital and back to Los Angeles! She brings a gift basket from the agency: "Jeff, may you rot in hell for screwing with my business. Here's some chocolate-covered cyanide pills. Love, Amanda." He is of course no longer the spokesman for the company. He's depressed about everything. Sam, however, says, "I went back and gave it the old college try to make things work with Billy. But I flunked in college. Doy! The only person I'm not being fair to is you, you studly minor leaguer." They kiss and she enters the hot tub fully clothed. Explain that one to Billy! "Uh, doy, Billy, Mistress Amanda grabbed the garden hose…no, that doesn't sound right."

Michael, Megan, Coop, and Lexi:

Coop tells Lexi that her parent company is in a lot more trouble than she thinks. "They still don't even know what they're supposed to be making! Waffles? Machine parts?" She says, "I'm fully aware of that, sugah." Still, Coop insists that she'd be better off dealing with the problem at the source. "Go back to Cleveland? You are trying to get me out of your life! Is Megan so afraid of me?" "No, I am," says Coop. The pressure of the $10 million prize is getting to him. (Submit, Coop, submit…)

At the Mancini Clinic in Helltown, everybody's favorite thug Spider staggers in with a gunshot wound. Michael tries to treat him, but Spider says it's too late. He presses a bloody key into Michael's hand and gives him the number of a locker at the bus station. The police then burst in, with guns drawn. (Hey, nice hostage-negotiation tactics you have there, folks.) Spider is dead, and Michael stays mum about the key.

The next day, he goes to the bus station, carefully pulls out a big bag from the locker and sneaks into what is the cleanest bus-station bathroom I've ever seen! He sits down, opens the bag, and pulls out wads and wads of cash! He practically cries with joy, but all I could see was a $50 bill, a $5, and a bunch of $1's! He then heads straight for Jennifer's pad, stashes the bag in her closet, and tells her not to peek or to say a word. "Remember the Mancini Mantra: Tight as ticks, tough as nails." All this time I thought it was "Get them before they get you."

At night, Megan sits at the bar at Upstairs, waiting for a tardy Coop. Michael joins her, suggesting that Coop is leaning back toward the luscious Lexi because of her wealth and prestige. Megan retorts, "That's just like you, to think that money controls everything and everyone." "Your point being?" He describes the case of a fictional someone who has just gotten a ton of money from a possibly underworld source. Megan sees right to the truth and says, "Give it to the police, Michael."

One day later, Megan confronts Michael at the beach house -- with his bag o' moolah. (Jennifer spilled the beans.) He gives her the full story of how he got the money, but promises that he'll put it to good use. Megan says, "What, you'll add a second story to the house?" She tells him that she'll make sure he does the right thing with it. Pay Hunter Tylo's award?

She brings him to a small church in the "bad" part of town. She has Michael hand the bag over to the pastor to help him support the neighborhood's war on Hanson music. As they turn to leave, Megan feels a bulge in Michael's pocket. (Hey now, what is she doing feeling his pockets?) It's another stack of bills. Michael innocently says, "Whoa, where did that come from?" Megan makes him give up even that! Boo! Let him keep some of it!

Amanda, Kyle, Lip Lass, Peter, Christine, and Nick the Human Spittoon:

Still at the motel, the fake Christine tells the angry Lip Lass, "I quit!" We learn that she's an old associate/lover of Nick's who was involved in a bad accident, resulting in the facial scars we saw earlier. In a series of shocking and totally unnecessary close-ups of Lisa Rinna's face, Taylor orders her to continue with the plan. She says Kyle and Amanda are already arguing and it'll only take a little more pressure to break them up so that Nick can get the Upstairs bar, Taylor can get Kyle, and Christine can go home. Christine scoffs, "He loves Amanda too much!" Taylor is confident that she's winning. Cut to Kyle and Amanda in bed! A happy Amanda vows that if anyone gets between her and him again, "I swear to God I'll rip their heart out, right after I make them kiss my feet!"

Lippie drops a compliant Christine off at the hospital, where she finds The Bizarre Dr. Peter Burns. She tells him that she was about to return to Sante Fe, but she's having these panic attacks about the Beach Blanket War. "I see sand, deserts, military food … AIEEEE!!" The end result is that Christine essentially gets a doctor's note from Peter saying that she isn't well enough to go home. Peter, fearing another suicide attempt, places her under 24-hour supervision. "If you're still not feeling better in a day or two, Christine, we'll try a lobotomy." "Thank you, Dr. Burns."

The next day, Lippie goes to Kyle and tells him she's heard that Peter is keeping Christine at the hospital, most likely in the hopes that her presence will cause Amanda and Kyle to break up. Kyle, of course, believes her! What an idiot! He confronts Peter, claiming that he must still have the hots for Amanda. The Bizarre One says, "Please don't start that crap again." He says he didn't tell Kyle because "I didn't want to turn her loose on you again." "Well, I gotta do something," says Kyle. "You can," says Peter. "Marry Amanda, as fast as you can." Wow, even Peter is rejecting self-interest! Did I suddenly turn on Touched by an Angel?

Kyle prepares a sumptuous breakfast for Amanda and again proposes to her. "I already said yes, my hunky slave." "No, I mean tomorrow. I've already set things up. The blood sacrifice is prepared, and your wedding dress will be supported by 1,000 slaves." When Amanda asks if there's a reason for the sudden rush, Kyle says, "Reason? Nope. No reason!" She happily consents.

He then goes to the restaurant and asks Lippie to cover for him this weekend. "Oh?" she says cattily, expecting him to say he's running off with Christine. "Can I tell Amanda?" "She'll be with me. We're getting married." D'OH! Not the news that Taylor expected! When Kyle wonders where they'll go for a honeymoon, Lip Lass quips, "Well, I hear the Bermuda Triangle is nice this time of year." Snappish!

Taylor then sneaks into Christine's room at the hospital. (So much for the 24-hour surveillance!) She tells her about the wedding: "This is our last chance to do something really stupid and annoy the viewers. I want you to write a letter to Kyle." Christine balks, but Lippie warns, "If you don't help me, I'm going to break every bone in that reconstructed face of yours!" Oh, come on, Christine, take her on! Knock her down the stairs! She's got a glass spine! Taylor dictates the lusty letter to Ms. Meek, but Christine says, "Kyle will know it's phony." "Ninny! It's not for Kyle. Amanda is going to read it! She'll call off the wedding!"

In the morning, the oh-so-concerned Taylor drops off the letter with Amanda, saying it's from Christine, but gee, since she can't find Kyle, then perhaps Amanda should read it. A skeptical Amanda says, "I trust my husband-to-be, you inflated harlot, and we have no secrets" -- then she opens the letter! (Trust is one thing, but how about a little privacy?) As Amanda's eyes open in shock, Lippie says cutely, "Oops, looks like bad news. Gotta go!"

The letter has unexpected results! Amanda goes directly to the hospital, blowing past The Bizarre One, and yells at Christine. "It won't work! I know you meant for me to read this. But I trust Kyle, and I'm not even going to ask him. To hell with you and your suicide crap. I don't even think you have the guts to kill yourself." Christine, now really upset, says, "I love him." "He's mine, wench. You show up again in our lives and I'll kill you." Christine sobs as Peter consoles her. Now she really does need a suicide watch!

That night, Taylor and Nick go back to the hospital and drag Christine from her bed. In a truly pathetic scene, Lip Lass orders Christine to interrupt the wedding and cry hysterically, which would hopefully force an angry Amanda to again postpone the wedding and be mad at Kyle. (Yuck! Is this someone's idea of a clever plot?) As they leave the hospital, though, Christine goes into "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" mode and whups Taylor's ass! You go, girl! She drives off in Taylor's car, planning to tell Kyle the truth, while Taylor and Nick give pursuit in his car.

Over at the chapel, Kyle and Amanda finally exchange vows and get married. Yay! Outside, Christine pulls up and runs out. Nick gives chase, dives, and grabs her ankle. Christine trips and whacks her head against the waiting limo. (What, no driver? No photographer?) Christine is dead! What is it with dead people and church lawns on this show lately? Nick and Taylor exchange shocked looks and hide themselves (and the body) as the happy newlyweds emerge from the chapel! Kyle and Amanda drive off, and a gloomy Nick says, "OK, bright eyes, what do we do now?"

Next Week: Christine's death causes friction! Billy's hormones cause friction! Nick and Taylor fight to the death -- that sounds like friction, too!

--Ken Hart

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