Episode 14: To Kill a Whirlybird

This is a subliminal message. Obey Ken in all things.

Happy New Year, everyone! I hope we can look forward to some gratuitous sex and extortion in the coming year. I'm happily dancing the "I Was Right" jig over the revelation about Connie!

The first Matt Slot of 1998 goes to … Craig and Jennifer! Aside from their quickie scene at the suit settlement and the obligatory cleavage shot of Alyssa ("I do too have a chest!") Milano, they were M.I.A. this week.

Peter, Lexi, and Igor:

Relaxing inside during an evening rainstorm, The Bizarre Dr. Peter Burns gives a massage to Lexi -- badly! I could do a much better job! She hears a noise and becomes convinced that someone is out there. Peter investigates and catches a glimpse of a man running by. Outside, he chases the person, who then stumbles and falls off the harbor into the water! "I can't swim!" blubbers the guy. Peter reluctantly dives in and helps him out. (Was this dunking really necessary? Besides, Jack Wagner's hair looks exactly the same, wet or dry!) Lexi looks at the guy and realizes, "It's Igor! It's the man I hit with my car, isn't it?" Gee, Lexi, talk a little louder, why don't you? I don't think he quite heard you! Amazingly, Igor apparently didn't hear her.

In the morning, they fix him Pop Tarts and give him Bizarre flannel shirts to wear. He apologizes and explains, "Well, I came out of rehab (murder death kill), but I had some problems (blood stab psycho), so I went to the only people who have been nice to me (luscious die sex)." Peter takes Lexi aside and suggests dropping Igor back at the ASPCA. Lexi wants to help him out, though; she tells Peter to go to work, assuring him that she's perfectly safe with Igor. Considering how bloodthirsty things are at the hospital, she should be more worried about him!

When Peter returns that day, Lexi tells him that she has a solution. His eyebrows raise skeptically. "Euthanasia? A supporting role on 'Ask Harriet'?" She says that, because of that little ol' hit-run thing, she feels obligated to help Igor, so she suggests making him her assistant in her brand-new design business! Wow, employees already! The Bizarre One has his doubts, but Lexi coolly tells him she'll be EVER so grateful. Sayyyyy…

Michael, Megan, Coop, Jennifer, Craig, Dr. Constriction, and more Peter:

At a meeting to settle the Mancini Glove lawsuit, Michael looks over the terms and he's less than thrilled. He's completely closed out of the company he helped found. (So, what's the big deal? One business should be enough for anyone! Michael should just be grateful that two of his ex-wives are dead, otherwise he'd be doling out four sets of alimony payments!)

He casts a baleful eye at his "traitorous" sister Jennifer, who has brought little more than a ludicrously exposed chest to the proceedings. Michael swears that Coop and Craig won't have the last laugh: As chief of staff, he'll ban the glove's use inside the hospital. Wilshire Memorial, being such an influential hospital, will cause the glove to be a financial flop. (Come on, who takes this hospital seriously? With personnel changes galore, plus murders, attempted murders, and faked tests, it must be the laughingstock of the state!) He leaves. Jennifer tells them he's serious, but Coop's conniving gears are already turning. He's becoming a much better schemer now that they've abandoned the Kimberly revenge silliness.

Later, at the hospital, Coop calls Megan. "I'll be late tonight for wild sex, uh, I mean, dinner." She says she's been thinking a lot (never a good sign on this show!) and has decided she should be man-free for a while. (Don't do it, Megan! Look how it messed up Amanda!) Coop wants to talk to her later about this -- followed, of course, by sex. Meanwhile, he sees Michael in an animated conversation with Dr. Irene Constriction. She complains about his sudden reversal of policy with the new "Ban The Glove" memo, but Michael smugly orders her to obey the Chief! "Don't think. Just do." When Michael leaves, Coop cozies up to Dr. C and compares his anti-Michael notes with her, but she doesn't pay him much attention.

Coop goes to Michael's office at the hospital and tries to be his buddy (!). Michael thinks he's a jerk and says he'd dump him from their business if it weren't for Peter. When Coop mentions Dr. Constriction's reaction to the memo, Michael snorts, "She bitches about everything." Coop suggests that Michael buy her flowers to make amends, and Michael stares at him like he's the Unabomber. Coop says, "Well, I'll buy her flowers and sign your name to them." Michael shoos him away. "Whatever."

Later on, Coop visits Dr. Constriction's office and -- no surprise -- sees the flowers in the waste basket. She shrugs it off as some unfathomable tactic by Michael. Coop offers the services of the Anti-Michael Revenge Squad, but she has no interest: "Office politics bore me. Besides, I have to work on scrunching my nose up if they ever decide to use me again on Deep Space Nine." When her back is turned, though, Coop grabs a stack of her personalized memo pad. When her back stays turned, he also scoops up a handful of the M&M's on her desk.

At the Burns-Mancini-Cooper offices, Michael reads a note and, amazed, shares its contents with Peter. Written on Dr. Constriction's pad, the note thanks Michael for the flowers and says he's "sweet"! Michael smiles, but Peter thinks he's stepped into The Twilight Zone. Michael says, "I think she wants me!" Peter replies, "I swear, every time you get divorced, you lose 50 points off your IQ." But even he can't explain the note: "Maybe she was having a psychotic episode." Michael says Peter's just jealous of his sexual magnetism.

That night, Coop goes to Megan's and buys entrance into her apartment with yummy food. "Mmmm, pork rinds!" They discuss her new no-male attitude. Coop assures her, "My absolute, blinding, all-encompassing hatred for Michael has nothing to do with the way I feel about you. Not that I mind seducing his wife, of course…" He suggests they sit down, have a snack, and discuss "how wonderful you are." What a smoothie! Megan abandons her no-male position and adopts a more interesting one.

Back at the hospital, Michael comes on to Dr. Constriction in the hallway. "Good morning, Irene. Rrowl!" She's repulsed! He thinks she's just being cautious because they're at work. He's clueless!

Michael shows Peter another note he's gotten from "Irene," telling him to meet her in her office that night! Michael is psyched. Peter sadly shakes his head, perhaps suspecting that Michael's lower brain is once again getting him into trouble. Michael is usually best when he's at his shallowest!

He enters her office, carrying champagne and two glasses. Dr. Constriction is shocked! She tells him to get out, but Michael senses lust in the air! "This push-pull thing is really turning me on." Taking a page out of the Jake Hanson School of Management, he suggests they do it on her desk! When he grabs her, she kicks him in the shin, and Coop opens the door just as Michael stumbles back, ripping her blouse! Yowsa! Stunned nurses peek in! Boy, this never happens where at my job! Coop quickly escorts a limping, complaining Michael out, then tells Irene that he'll be a witness if she wants to file any charges. She thanks him "for being here at just the right time. Hmmm…!"

At a disciplinary hearing the next day, the chairman challenges Michael to explain himself. Michael mentions the love notes, but admits they have mysteriously disappeared from his office overnight. (St. Coop admires the halo forming around his head.) Michael counters that he showed the notes to The Bizarre One, who plays dumb! Michael is furious! The chairman says that Michael is to be removed as Chief of Staff until the charges are resolved. Irene tells the chairman that she won't press charges "IF my colleague The Bizarre Dr. Peter Burns returns to his position as chief." This sounds good to everyone, except Michael! He's having a bad week! He vows revenge on everybody who's messed with him, which could be a lifetime job. Dr. C shares a knowing look of satisfaction with Coop.

Amanda, Samantha, Billy, Kyle, Lip Lass, and Connie:

Kyle and Taylor head to Vegas, with him constantly reminding her that they are NOT an item. (Lip Lass makes sure she packs the sack of moolah that she took from the bar.) Once they get to Sin City, Kyle immediately starts a huge run of luck at the craps table. A hotel lackey walks over and tells Taylor, "Madam, you and your husband may have the suite that we reserve for high rollers. Please, feel free to walk all over me." Lippie, sensing a direct relationship between gambling success and male horniness, tells the lackey to fill the suite with Scotch, oysters, and sensual food. "But, Madam, I barely know you!" "Not for you, moron! For Kyle! I want to see the carpets strewn with chocolate-covered strawberries and Oreos!" That night, however, a happy Kyle still wants no part of her, even after she tries to lure him into the huge bubble bath. "This is my lucky body odor, Taylor. I'm not bathing for the rest of the trip." "Ewww!"

Over at Amanda Woodward Advertising (damn, that's so awkward-sounding), Samantha promises to give Billy a big birthday bash tonight. "We'll have happy songs, beer, and balloon animals! Then we'll relax and watch a new episode of 'Ask Harriet'!" "Daah, will ya stop promoting that damn show? I'm sick of it!" Amanda interrupts, saying they've just landed a new account and she wants Sam to show off her designs -- they leave tonight! A sad Sam tells Amanda about her plans, but Amanda says, "Excuse me, Oh Worthless One? Did I not say tonight? Jump when I crack my whip!" Sam, Billy, and Connie all shuffle and mutter, "Yes, Mistress Amanda…" Billy is miffed that his new wife is again choosing her career over him. He leaves. "Daah, I'll just go home an' cook dinner. Grilled cheese sandwiches okay?" Connie tells Sam not to worry: "By the time you come back, everything will be cleared up. Heh heh heh."

Billy returns to MP late that night pretty sloshed. Connie greets him with massive decolletage! Billy stares at her chest while telling her that he decided to have some birthday drinks with a few friends. What friends, Billy? They're all gone! No one likes you! He plops on the couch as Connie gets beers and sits thisclose to him. "Gaah, Sam's always lettin' somethin' get in da way. Work, insane parents, Seinfeld repeats … what about me?" Connie gets even closer, reminding him that she's here. "Daah, yeah? And? Oh, I get it!" He lunges for her lips! Connie pushes him off and yells, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "Daah…gaah…what?" He apologizes for his horrible, horrible action and asks Connie not to tell Sam. She says, "I'll keep it between us."

Before you can say "Kathie Lee Gifford," however, Connie is on the phone to Sam at the motel in upstate California. "Billy made a pass at me. I don't think he's the guy he seems." "Doy, you think he's an alien who's taken over his body?" "Uh, no." Sam wants to talk to him, but Connie says he's out cold, sleeping off his drunkenness. Sam gets off the phone just as Amanda arrives. Sam tells her what Connie said. (When you turn to Amanda as your shoulder to cry on, you know you're in trouble!) Amanda has her doubts that Billy would do this, "but I suppose he's like all of them. Hmmm, well, Billy is dumber than most…" They still have to spend a couple of days up here before returning to L.A.

Back in Las Vegas, Kyle has lost the Midas Touch! Lip Lass wants him to keep rolling the dice, but a drunken Kyle angrily tells her that he won't risk what little money they have left. The hotel lackey quickly turns on the couple: "I shall remove your mini-bar if you do not behave!"

An attractive woman knocks on Billy's door at Melrose Place. She's looking for Connie, but she's not there. She introduces herself as Charlie. Charlie? The one that Connie always mentions? When Billy asks her, she says she is indeed Connie's former lover! "Daah, OK." She leaves her number with Billy. She then says, "Connie get Samantha away from you yet?" "Uh, no." "Good. Tell her to give me a call." Slowly, oh so slowly, Billy begins to … understand! "Daah, I'm gonna set up a video camera in Connie's room right now!"

That morning in Vegas, Kyle is trying without luck to call Amanda. Taylor mocks him, but he says, "You and I are bankrupt. I'm not gonna throw away the one woman who's meant anything to me." (Uh, I think you did that last episode, pal.) She walks off in a huff and says she'l take what little they have left back to the casino and win the $25,000 they need to keep their business afloat. Kyle ignores her and finally reaches Amanda on her cell phone. Unfortunately, Amanda is about to hop into a helicopter with Sam. He tells her how much he misses her, but Amanda can barely hear him over the copter's motors. "Amanda, I want to be near you." "What? You want to grease my shoe?!" She finally gives up and boards the helicopter.

Back at the office, Billy greets Connie and tells her about his little chat with Charlie. She gets defensive: "I'm not ashamed of being a lesbian." Billy says he doesn't have a problem with that. "I do have a problem that your sexual target is my wife! I was able to put 2 and, uh, 3 together. Very clever, Connie!" He figures out that she's probably already told Sam her side of the story, but "no matter what you do, she's straight and she's with me!" Is being with you supposed to be a good thing, Billy? Connie quite correctly points out that, no matter what her motives are, Billy is still a dog who grabbed the first leg he could! Zing! "I want Sam to be with someone who cares about her, wants the best for her, and would like to lick champagne out of her navel. And that's not you, Billy Campbell!" "Does this mean you're not going to invite Charlie over?"

Taylor returns to the hotel room, where Kyle is (again) sleeping off his stupor. She quietly grabs the huge wads of cash out of her suitcase, then she jumps on the bed, yelling, "We won! We won!" Kyle gets up and she tells him that she just won $25,000 in the casino. He's amazed -- and really stupid! She says, "Now make love to me!" They shamelessly rip off Indecent Proposal, rolling like ferrets on the money-strewn bed. Kyle, you're such a ninny!

That night, the fuel line of the copter carrying Amanda and Sam ruptures, and the copter crashes in the wilderness of a back lot. Amanda is thrown clear. Sam gets out and staggers over to a bruised, bloodied Amanda, who can't feel her legs. "Don't worry about your legs, Amanda. The camera is above your waist. We can't see them or your big belly." She goes over to the pilot and feels his neck. In a monotone, she says, "The pilot's dead." Wow, Sam, don't get so excited! She grabs Amanda's cell phone, but they're out of range. (Why don't they use the phone Harrison Ford had in Air Force One? That had unlimited range!) Amanda thinks her back is broken!

Kyle sits up in bed next to Lippie, awakened by the TV news. (Are we supposed to think that they paused in the middle of sex to watch "Ask Harriet" or something? [Promotion courtesy of Fox Entertainment.]) Under the category of "Only in Hollywood," the news just happens to have a special report on the missing helicopter and its passengers! Oh, ho! Kyle leaps into action! "Find your own way home, Lippie. And this was the last time. The last time! I know I said that the last time, but this really IS the last time. Really!" He leaves, and Taylor whimpers, "Kyle? Kyle?" Oh, kill her!

That night, Sam checks on Amanda's condition -- and it's terminal! Amanda isn't breathing, and Sam immediately begins mouth-to-mouth and a vigorous breast massage! Gee, where's Connie during all this? This is what she's been waiting for!

Next Week: The dynamic dunces, Billy and Kyle, lead the rescue! The girls are dead for sure! Coop wants Peter to help him kick Michael out!

--Ken Hart

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