Episode 12: A Bump in the Night

This is a subliminal message. Obey Ken in all things.

Hey, did you see TV Guide's "Jeers" wrap-up last week? Lisa Rinna's lips got dissed. Completing the double play, Total TV held a poll in a recent issue, asking people to vote for the worst actor on Melrose Place. The winner: Lisa! Perennial favorite Andrew Shue dropped to second place (although I would've have chosen Charvet before him). After this episode's ending, I can't wait for Taylor to be blown up, run over, drowned, or all of the above. She's so annoyingly pathetic! Another good job of directing by Anson Williams. You're such a Potsie! And I mean that in a good way!

The Matt Slot goes to … Amanda! Carefully concealed under bedsheets or behind her desk, Heather saw very little screen time this week.

Peter, Lexi, Coop, Megan, Michael, Jennifer, and Craig:

Picking up where we left off, The Bizarre Dr. Peter Burns escorts a shaking Lexi toward the bedroom. She sobs, "I'm going to dump the pills. I'm gonna!" To her surprise, Peter says he won't join her right away. "I have some, uh, paperwork to do. Yeah, that's it -- paperwork! Besides, you need rest, and you wouldn't get any if a swingin' golf stud like me were in there with you." Leaving the wrecked Lexi behind, Peter earns the Silver Medal for Most Inconsiderate Significant Other of 1997, narrowly losing to hockey star Wayne Gretzky, who continued playing even after his wife was knocked unconscious in the stands and taken to the hospital!

Peter drives back to the scene of the bump, and sees a man stumbling away, dragging his leg behind him. Peter runs over to Igor, who initially panics when Peter approaches. "It's OK, I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV." Igor says a car hit him. (No duh!) Peter thinks that Igor's leg may be fractured and he pulls out his cell phone. When asked, Igor says he doesn't remember anything about the car, "except that the driver was a woman with long hair." Peter blanches, then thinks, "Hmmm, I could kill this guy now and end this, or maybe I could convince him that Sammy Hagar was driving." He calls for an ambulance.

In the morning, The Bizarre One cleans off the front of the car and re-enters his home. He sees an empty bottle of pills, and a calmer Lexi tells him she poured them down the sink. "That's all we need -- manic-depressive alligators!" She apologizes to him for her behavior, for showing him her dark side, and for the huge phone bill he's about to get because she called the Psychic Friends Network when he didn't come back last night.

He compliments her on the courage to face up to her problem. She's thinking of going into rehab, but Peter -- surprisingly -- says that's just one option! "So maybe you hit a guy. So what?" "What did you say, sugah?" "Oh, uh, 'So maybe it gave you a high. So what?'" She still wants a full-time job (as opposed to sitting around the Bizarre Pad all day). Peter encourages her.

A bouquet-bearing Michael is rebuffed by Megan outside Jennifer's apartment. She'll only talk to him through the window. He apologizes for lying to her. She says, "Which lie?" In classic Mancini fashion, Michael says, "I only did what I did because I love you." He tries to plant bad thoughts in her head about Coop, saying Coop has filed a suit claiming he stole the glove idea. Megan understandably scoffs at Michael's claim of innocence! "I would believe a politician, a used-car salesman, Pinocchio, and Aaron Spelling before I'd believe you." Ouchie!

Over at Wilshire Memorial, Peter is making sure that Igor is comfy. It turns out that he's a homeless person who doesn't have any friends in the area. Two detectives want to talk to Peter about the hit-and-run incident, but he says he didn't see anything. The cops say, "Well, Igor did say something crazy about long hair, so we're investigating all heavy metal groups in the area." "Good idea."

At the Burns-Mancini-Cooper offices, Coop has asked Craig over for a secret meeting. (Sure, why not have a secret meeting at the place where you work with Michael?) He tells a skeptical Craig, "I have proof that Michael stole my idea. Here are my notarized blueprints." "Hmmm, what did Pamela Anderson look like before you put these in?" "What?! D'OH! Not those blueprints -- these blueprints!" Craig's faith in Michael (what little there was) vanishes, and Coop tells him to say nothing about this for now, especially not to Jennifer: "You throw in with me, and we can save your company together." Sure they can save the Mancini Glove Company, but they may have to change the name…

That night, Craig and Jennifer share a post-coitus moment, and they still look mah-velous. (How come nobody's hair is EVER out of place on this show?) She's worried about the deposition in the morning. Craig asks, "Oh, hypothetically speaking, if Michael had been an opportunistic louse and stole Coop's idea for the glove…" Jennifer defends her brother! "What's going on, Craig?" "Oh, nuthin'. Hey, I can still catch the late edition of SportsCenter! Excuse me, babe."

At the hospital, Peter tells Igor that he wants to keep him here at Wilshire Memorial. Igor worries! "You're not going to do any medical experiments on me?" "No, no, Igor -- we just want your liver. You're not using it at the moment, are you? Ha Ha! That's a medical joke, son. Now Igor, stare at the spinning disk and listen closely to my voice: Sammy Hagar hit you… Sammy Hagar hit you…" Lexi then shows up at the doorway! Igor stares at her, and Peter yanks her into the hallway! She complains, but Peter apologizes. "That guy's in a lot of pain. He just saw the Kathie Lee Gifford Christmas special." He tells her that Igor was hit by a car -- a fact that goes over Lexi's head with a massive "Whooosh!"

Meanwhile, at the Mancini Glove office, Craig tells Jen that she doesn't have to go to the deposition. He's got it covered and someone needs to stay at the office and seduce the UPS guy. Peter zips over from the previous scene, and Michael blames him for the Coop situation. "Hey! You brought him in as a partner!" "Oh yeah," says Michael. "I must have been delusional." Peter again asks that he hire Lexi as a decorator for the office, but he can't tell her that Peter requested it, of course. Michael asks, "What's in it for me?" He wants Peter to kick Coop out of the practice, but Peter says it would be bad business. "I just change the damn stationery! Besides, he's a fully functional doctor, unlike you." (Are Michael's hands still bad?) Michael then says he'll give Lexi the job -- if Peter lets him stay as chief of staff for two more months! Peter is shocked! "God, is everything blackmail to you?" Obviously, a rhetorical question! But he agrees, though on a dark note. "Two months, that's it. Then I'm the one making the rules at Wilshire Memorial. I'm putting an end to the wet T-shirt contests, Michael."

Coop returns the CDs to Megan. She's thrilled to see him and offers to cook him dinner that night. He initially says no, then he weighs his options -- "Boring paperwork, dinner with blonde bombshell, boring paperwork, dinner with blond bombshell…" -- and changes his mind. "Dinner sounds fantastic!"

At the deposition, Jennifer does show up, much to Craig's displeasure! He continues to testify that he has indeed seen proof that Coop had the idea for the glove before Michael. Jen complains loudly! "What the hell's the matter with you? This is all lies!" A short recess is granted, and Craig tells the furious Jennifer to wake up and smell the coffee of betrayal! It's a bitter roast! She angrily says she'll continue to put her trust in her brother, no matter what "proof" Craig and Coop cook up.

As soon as Michael finishes preening for photos for the hospital newsletter, Jennifer tells him what happened. "You wouldn't lie to me, would you, Michael? Those were phony documents that Craig saw?" Michael swears he's on the up and up! Of course, now he has to get those "phony" blueprints from Coop. Jen says, "Well, he has been seeing Megan a lot lately…" "A lot? What's 'a lot'?!" She's sure that Coop will talk to Megan about the lawsuit, so she suggests they set up a sting using one of those miniature video cameras. "I'll set up the camera, finagle a key to the spare apartment from Amanda, and we can put a TV in there and watch!" Boy, the only thing missing from this equation is the tape that self-destructs in 5 seconds! Of course, the weakest link in this chain is how Jen would "finagle" a key from Amanda, who hates her guts! The solution? There is none! We never see how she does this. Boo, writers! Boo, Potsie!

Lexi answers the door at the Bizarre Pad and sees the two detectives from the hospital. They're looking for Peter, but he's not home. When she asks what's up, they tell her about the hit-and-run victim whom Peter found. One cop says, "It's lucky a doctor showed up." Lexi says, "Oh, that is lucky!" They leave -- and Lexi realizes the truth: "That was no squirrel ah hit!"

Jennifer plants the mini-camera in a desk drawer just before Megan enters the apartment, but Megan says she's going to Coop's for dinner! (The plan is in jeopardy!) Jen wonders if this is wise, but Megan says all Coop is interested in tonight is dinner. The persistent Jennifer wisely convinces her that Michael might use this against her in any divorce proceedings. (They are still married, believe it or not.) Megan agrees with her, so she'll ask Coop to come here. Hey, Megan, this may be news to you, but I think you've got plenty of ammunition of your own! You could fleece Michael so badly he'd end up cleaning toilets at the S&M bars!

Back at the hospital, Lexi visits Igor. He doesn't recognize her, but he says Peter's a great guy. "He's shipping me off to some special place in Arizona to recuperate. Something about being tied to stakes, hot sun, and lots of iguanas…" He also says he's remembering more about the incident, such as that the car was red! She confronts Peter in the hallway and tells him that she wants to confess, but Peter assures her that he's taken great care to make sure the police never know.

That night, Megan prepares dinner for Coop at Jennifer's apartment -- and she's wearing nothing but a slip! Wow, maybe Coop was interested in only food, but there's no way to be sure now! Sheesh, put a sweater on! Meanwhile, Jennifer and Michael watch the whole thing on TV from the conveniently vacant apartment. Michael is annoyed that his wife is having too good of a time with his nemesis! Craig briefly appears on TV, asking Megan to tell Jen that he came by (which Jen thinks is cute). Since they're not talking about the glove, Jen takes action. She runs back to her apartment. Megan says, "I thought you were going to the movies?" "Uh, oops, I forgot money!" She briefly takes Megan aside and tells her that Coop is suing Michael -- but Megan already knew that! Michael told her earlier in the episode! Anyhow, when Jen leaves, Megan brings up the topic to Coop, who tells her that Michael did indeed steal his idea and that the sketches are in his office. Jennifer re-enters the vacant apartment and Michael says, "You just missed the part where he admitted the sketches were fakes!" Now that they know where the sketches are, Jennifer "Mr. Phelps" Mancini plans to steal Megan's key to the office, throw gas grenades at the security guards, and steal the blueprints!

Lexi steps outside the Bizarre Pad just as Peter drives back -- with her red car now painted silver! The detectives show up again and ask Peter if he had Igor released. "Well, yeah, he seemed OK, so I didn't see any point in keeping him in a small room where anyone could ask him questions." So much for the trip to Arizona! Apparently, the homeless Igor has again vanished in the streets. Peter asks, "Have you found the person who hit him yet?" "No, but we're very close. How many red sports cars could there be in Southern California?" Lexi trembles the whole time and almost blabs the truth. The police leave and Lexi freaks out, begging for a pill to calm her down. I don't know what's harder to accept: the fact that the police don't harass Peter (based on his impressive criminal record!) or that L.A. cops would be this concerned about a minor hit-and-run injury!

Michael invites Coop to dinner at Kyle's, supposedly to discuss a deal regarding the lawsuit, but Michael's only concerned about Coop's intentions toward Megan! Coop gets up to leave, but they see Megan! Coop asks Megan to dinner in front of a stunned Michael. She says she was just retrieving takeout, but she'd love for Coop to join her! A serious dis on Michael!

Meanwhile, Jennifer goes into Coop's office, yet she is not wearing black -- a serious violation of Melrosian tradition! She grabs some glove designs, but has to duck when someone steps in. It's Peter and Lexi. (Gee, I guess Jen was clever enough to lock the door behind her when she came in!) Lexi does her best Vinnie Barbarino "gimme drugs" impersonation. "One more pill, Peter, that's it … just one more pill!" Peter says, "Okay, but that's it. I am not an enabler!" "Yes, Peter, thank you for covering up for me on that hit-and-run accident. Oh yes, it's a good thing no one else is here, or they'd now that not only am I a drug addict, but a criminal, too!" Peter says, "Geez, lay off the exposition already!" Jennifer smiles -- more blackmail awaits!

She rushes back to the spy apartment. However, Michael says these are just photocopies; Coop must have hidden the originals. Megan and Coop go into her apartment, and they engage in serious make-out action before Michael's horrified gaze!

Billy, Samantha, and Connie:

Billy is in his office when he gets a phone call from Sam in Seattle. "Daah, how dings gowin?" "Ah doy, just great! My trip has been extended one more day." "I miss you. Gah." "I miss you, too, snookums, but at least you have Connie there." Billy is clearly uncomfortable around Connie, but Sam says, "Be nice to her till I get back, maybe show her around town, maybe hug her, flirt with her, kiss her … oh, but doy, that can wait till next week!" As he hangs up, Connie is there. Her response to the news of Sam's delay? "Hey, what about dinner?" Billy says, "Uh, daah, I gotta lot of work. Floors need polishing. Laundry to do. Maybe tomorrow?"

The next night, Billy has drinks with Connie at Upstairs. (It's like the place never closed, right?) Connie blabs about the fun old days with Samantha and ex-boyfriends: "So Charlie and I are parked in the woods and we're making out in the front seat of the car and the radio comes with this announcement about 'The Hook' killer escaping from prison and he's in the area and I hear a noise from the forest and.…" Andrew Shue stares. [Translation: In the past, I've kissed Courtney Thorne-Smith and Heather Locklear. Now I'm about to be stuck with Megan Ward, who's playing a psycho with no motive. Where is the love? Oh, where is the love?]

Megan hears the jazz band begin to play "Amish Paradise" and she says, "I love this song!" Billy gives her the Deer Trapped in Headlights look! "Dance with me, Billy!" "Daah…!" After a few moments of monotonous stepping, Connie says, "You're an excellent dancer. No one has ever stepped on me like you do." "Aaah, it's gettin' late. Sam's coming home soon, and I'd like to spend time With My Wife." Connie stares at him darkly!

Samantha returns to MP much later that evening. Inside the apartment is a bottle of champagne and a note from Connie. She climbs on top of Billy, who yells, "Gaaaah! Who is it?" "Doy, me! Who did you think it would be?" "We gotta talk about Connie…" "Yeah, isn't she great? She left this bottle of champagne and a note saying she would stay at a motel tonight so we could be alone. Aren't I so dumb and trusting? Is there anyone in my sad, pathetic, backwoods life who wouldn't stab me in the back if given half a chance?" As they make out in bed, Connie is standing in plain view outside the window! Ho ho ho! Oh, mur-derrrr! Let me get this straight: After not seeing her "friend" Sam for a couple of years, Connie becomes psychotically envious in a weird, Jennifer-Jason-Leigh way because Sam falls in love with Billy? What's wrong with that equation? I liked the original lesbian lust angle better!

Back at the office the next morning, Amanda congratulates Samantha on a great job. "In honor of your first client slaying, I'm taking you out to lunch so we can discuss your career future." "Doy, thank you, Mistress!" Billy says, "That's great. I was here for two weeks before Amanda bought me lunch … uh, dat was a joke, Mistress 'Manda." "On your knees, blabbering fool!" Samantha feels sorry for Connie, though: "Now that I'm back, she's out of a job." Amanda says, "I shall give her to Billy as his new assistant. It's apt punishment for that lunch joke." Connie is delighted when she hears the news and gives hugs to both Billy (very warm) and Sam (cold!).

Amanda, Kyle, and Lip Lass:

It starts off with Kyle in bed with Amanda! Huh, did I miss a week? Wait a second, this smells like a … dream sequence! Kyle says softly, "I've missed you so much." Amanda replies, "Make love to me forever, slave." "Your wish is my command, Mistress." Amanda wakes up from the dream! "Damn!" She answers the knocking on the door: It's Taylor. She tells Amanda to have her lawyer draw up proper transfer papers for her share of Upstairs; signing the back of a junk mail envelope doesn't count. Lippie tries to rub it in, saying she and Kyle are spending all their time together. Amanda calmly says, "Too bad for Kyle."

A day or two later (who can tell with Melrose?), Taylor tells a boozing Kyle that the deal is finalized: Amanda has sold her share of Upstairs, and now Taylor owns it. She gloats abouts her victory over Amanda, but Kyle says, "Why don't you shut up?" Lip Lass worries about his drinking. "Kyle, you don't need to do this. Lexi is already our token substance abuser!" "Haven't you been watching, Taylor? She's thinking about going into rehab. I have to become an alcoholic now!"

The next evening, after Upstairs is finished for the night, Taylor sees Kyle slumped over the bar, still drinking. Just give the guy an I.V. bag! He says, "The sign says closed. That means you, too, Lippie." She shows him the food she just brought up, and he responds, "You are so pathetic." You said it! Huzzah! She insists that the love is still there between them because they had sex two episodes ago. He says, "The only difference between you and a whore is that you didn't ask for any money." Yowsa! He's not done yet! "The best thing you ever did was come out here and chase after the Bizarre One. It gave me an out." He leaves. Wow, Kyle, why can't you be this clear-headed when you're sober?

When he steps out, we are "treated" to a truly pathetic Lippie saying, "I will make you love me, Kyle. Someday, someway." Ugh. Can't she take a job on "Just Shoot Me"?

Next Week: You knew it: Jennifer blackmails Lexi! Amanda misses Kyle! (Awww..) Connie comes on to Billy!

--Ken Hart

Use the arrows or return to the Melrose Place Master Menu!