Episode 10: My Little Coma Girl

This is a subliminal message. Obey Ken in all things.

Wow, Spelling must be worried about the Hunter Tylo lawsuit -- the producers don't even splurge for an on-camera wedding! I'll add the deleted dialogue here:
"Billy, do you take Samantha to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
"Daaah, take her where?"
"Samantha, do you take Billy to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
"Well, doy, of course I do, but you should answer his question first!"
Hmmm, maybe it's a good idea we didn't see it. At least Eric the Iguana realized his truly scummy potential near the end!

Isn't Billy's mom simply, well, weird? I couldn't pin down why she gave me the willies until I realized she also plays the evil female shapeshifter on "Deep Space Nine." An alien heritage in the Campbell family would explain much...

The Matt Slot goes to ... Megan, who gives the acting performance of the season as the coma girl! Grab that Emmy, Kelly!

Billy, Samantha, Connie, Craig, Jennifer, and Billy's alien mom:

With Wedding Day upon us (in the faster-than-light world of Melrose Place), Billy and his best man Craig get fitted for their tuxedos. Billy sees the gloomy look on Craig's face. Craig explains, "I blew it with Jennifer." "Gaah, I didn't know it wuz yer birthday!" "No, fool!" He tells Billy about his dalliance with the assistant hotel manager last night and how Jennifer saw them in the morning. "What was I thinking?" "Daah, you were thinkin' about sensual pleasure without long-lastin' entanglements. Is this a problem?" Craig says, "I sabotaged what we had." Hey, to perform sabotage, you have to have something to blow up! What exactly did you and Jennifer have, anyway? Emotional trust? Naaah! Billy thinks Craig should be explaining this to Jennifer, and not him.

Meanwhile, a similar situation is played out across town where Jen, Samantha, and Sam's friend Connie are getting fitted. Jennifer whines a bit, then leaves. Samantha explains the Craig/Jen situation to Connie, who says, "Sounds like he has a problem with commitment." "Doy! That's what I said." Giving Jennifer no more thought, Samantha enthuses over her wedding gown -- which she designed herself! Connie, who gazes upon Sam with a "more than friends" look, says without much emotion, "I'm-so-happy-for-you." Damn, can't Spelling do a one-shot R-rated episode for Cinemax?

Skip ahead to the wedding day! Jennifer, Samantha, and Connie are getting dressed, and Billy's creepy mother hands Sam a big brooch that looks like a huge blue bug. "This belonged Billy's grandmother, who gave it to me on my wedding day. It's a symbol of our insect heritage. All praise the Hive Mother." Sam, obviously uncomfortable, says, "Well, I really appreciate this, but ... uh ... my mother asked me to wear this necklace of fish hooks. And with that ugly brooch, I mean, that fabulous gift, I think it would be a bit much." Mama Campbell gets snippy! "Hmmm, Alison always loved it ... dig dig... " Jennifer and Connie share those "I don't want to be here" looks! An annoyed Sam sighs, "I hoped I wouldn't hear her name again." Billy's mom says, "I know when I'm not wanted," and she leaves.

Billy sees his mom crying outside the room and angrily walks in on the women, demanding to know what happened. When Sam explains, Billy turns into Momma's Boy! "Daah, it couldn't have killed ya to wear the bug?!" Sam is shocked! Connie yells at Billy, "You care more about your mother than you do about Samantha!" Jennifer pointedly suggests that Connie butt out, but she refuses! Billy, being a true goon, sulks and says, "Let's get this thing over with." Gee, that's romantic! Sam is crushed, and Connie tells her, "Suffering Sappho! You don't have to do this, Sam! I have a bottle of maple syrup with your name on it!" Jennifer says, "Yes, you do have to go through with this, Sam! Don't let the alien she-creature win!"

We'll get back to the wedding later...

Michael, Megan, Coop, Peter, and Lexi:

At the hospital, Coop hovers over the comatose form of Megan and holds her hand. "I know you can hear me, Megan. I had Jennifer bring over a few of your favorite CDs. Hmmm, Meredith Brooks' 'Bitch' and Van Halen's Greatest Hits. Hmmm, that silly twit brought over Amanda's CD!" As he talks soothingly to her, Michael makes a scene at the entrance to ICU. When Coop goes out to talk, he tells Michael that Megan is not allowed to have any visitors -- including him! This doesn't sit well with Michael, who saw Coop holding her hand, but it's Coop's call as attending physician. Michael warns, "I'd better get on that visitors' list soon! I'm her lying, philandering, greedy ex-husband, and I've got just as much right to hold her hand as anybody!"

At the Bizarre Pad, luscious Lexi is preening her body and popping her pills. Michael arrives -- he's their guest for dinner! The Bizarre Dr. Peter Burns says, "Yes, we haven't always seen eye to eye, with you and Taylor convincing me I was a nutjob and me shoving you through a window, not to mention half a dozen other scummy things we've done to each other. But hey, we're partners!" Wow, soap-opera characters sure do have short memories! He asks how Megan is faring, and Michael tells him about his chat with Coop, including the hand-holding. "What's next? Midnight sponge bath?" Lexi then says, "He's doing it again!" "Huh?" Peter and she explain to Michael that Coop's earlier involvement with Kimberly happened during Kim's coma days. Coop likes his women comatose! Michael is ready to head back to the hospital and wring Coop's perverted neck, but Peter and Lexi convince him to calm down. Peter says, "We'll get him through a third party. Where's Ross Perot's phone number...?"

At the hospital the next day, Jennifer asks Michael if he could recommend a doctor that she could bring as her date to the wedding. "How about that cute Cooper guy?" "Nah, you're not his type. You're conscious." He shoos her away with the promise: "I'll scratch your name on the bathroom wall!" Dr. Constriction approaches him, objecting to his request that she yank Coop as Megan's physician. Michael, as always, is Mr. Pragmatic. "Hey, Constriction, you're Chief of Neurology. Don't you like being Chief of Neurology?" With his assurance of a good performance review and more frequent guest appearances, she agrees. I love the way hospitals are run!

At the Big Man on Campus offices of Burns-Mancini-Cooper, Coop confronts Michael about Dr. Constriction's actions. Michael, of course, denies direct involvement, but he launches a tirade about Coop's "New Age" healing technique. "You really get off on flat-line EEGs! You stay away from my wife. And keep that pyramid off her head!" Coop is upset!

In the morning, Lexi is a bouncing bundle of energy after her latest dose of Puppy Uppers. She tells a surprised Peter, "Ah need a job! I just need to do something: horse riding, interior decorating, teaching Southern accents to Keanu Reeves ... something!" Peter, stunned by her intensity, goes to the front door to pick up some dry cleaning. He's a bit short of money, so he asks Lexi if she has some cash handy. She says yes, but when he reaches for her purse, she yanks it away from him! She gives him the money, being careful to hide the pills. The Bizarre One is suspicious! "Hmmm, I wonder if Lexi has Ross Perot's phone number...."

At night, Coop sneaks into Megan's room. She's still out of it, and he does his hand-holding routine again. "I'm the only one who knows what's best for you, Megan. I'll fluff your pillow like it's never been fluffed before!" Just as he feels her squeezing his hand, Michael pops in and summons Security! Despite Coop's protests, the guards drag him away. Michael should just rename them the Anti-Coop Squad! "You'll regret this, Michael! Ouch, no pinching!" Michael walks over to Megan's side and sees that she IS regaining consciousness! She opens her eyes and groggily says, "I heard really bad music, and someone was squeezing my hand.." Michael instantly says, "That was ME! I've been here with you the whole time." My hero! The man is the epitome of opportunism!

After Billy and Samantha's wedding, Lexi is being the hot mama on the dance floor! Peter says, "I must resuscitate myself! Mmmm, beer!" As Lexi continues to shake her groove thang with some lucky associate producer, Coop comments to Peter about Lexi's, ahem, high spirits. When he compliments Peter on his good influence, he adds, "She just might be susceptible to other influences..." "What, like Sugar Frosted Flakes?"

Michael discharges Megan and wheels her out of the hospital. She resists his idea of taking her to the beach house for a Thanksgiving dinner, but he says he made the meal himself! "You cooked, too?!" Well, that's a different story, then! Michael probably hired some cheap labor to do it for him. Coop shows up looking for Megan, but it's too late! She's been released. "Damn ... I made Thanksgiving dinner, too, with canoles for dessert."

After the wedding, Lexi and Peter return to his pad -- and she's still as high as the Mir! She steps out to pick up some groceries from the car, and The Bizarre One seizes the opportunity to look in her purse. He sees the pills -- prescribed by Coop! "Coop? But Lexi could have come to ME for drugs!"

Amanda, Kyle, Lip Lass, and Eric the Iguana:

Where did we leave off? Oh, yes! Eric was dangling from the balcony of his pad, giving a free show to the people below! Kyle holds on to his arm, but barely. "Do you wanna die, Baines?" Eric frantically says, "Is that a trick question? I didn't sleep with her! Now pull me up, damn it!" Amanda tells Kyle that's the truth, and Kyle yanks him up. The Iguana Boy slumps on the floor, while an angry Kyle stalks out of the apartment. Amanda follows him out and tries to explain that she agreed to this for both their sakes, not just to save her agency. Kyle has trouble accepting this. As they descend in a crowded elevator, Kyle gets on her case for "prostituting" herself and for continuing to hide her pregnant body behind bedsheets. Amanda says, "It was a business deal! And there are only so many ways they can film me from the shoulders up!" Kyle knows that she would never have told him about the deal, which pisses him off.

When he returns to Melrose Place, Taylor is there waiting for him. "What happened? Did you catch them in bed together? Does the Pope crap in the woods? Tell me!" Kyle tells her to bug off. Lip Lass, in full Denial Mode, walks up to Amanda's apartment and tells her that Kyle has demanded the return of all his stuff! Amanda is surprisingly calm. She says that although Kyle may not be around to help take care of her anymore, she's gotten pretty good at taking care of herself -- and she pulls out a gun! (Is that a leftover from her Peeping Tom plot a few years back?) Lippie is uneasy, and she becomes even more so when Amanda points it at her and threatens to test it out on her! Taylor says, "You definitely got a screw loose." "Then get the hell out of my apartment before I blow that swollen smirk off your face! And tell Kyle I'm keeping his Spider-Man action figures!"

A day or two later, Amanda knocks on Kyle's door in the middle of the night. Neither one of them can sleep, and she pleads with him not to let Lizard Boy destroy what they have. Kyle, who is fast developing Jake-like levels of martyrdom and fatalism in his relationships, says, "You destroyed it." Amanda starts kissing him, and he responds briefly. Then he summons up an amazing bit of willpower! "Sex, sex, sex! That's your answer to everything!" He shows her the door, saying, "What we had, it's over." "Fine. You're still not getting your action figures back."

At Amanda Woodward Advertising, Billy surprises Amanda with some "good news": All their clients are returning to the fold, even the infamous Lindy Toys! However, she takes this news like a blow to the head! "Now it'll look like Eric and I did do something...!" "Gaah, well, watever ya did, it worked." "Out of my office, slave! And spare me further good news!" "Daah, yes, Mistress 'Manda..."

Kyle sits in the packed-up remains of Upstairs, drinking the remnants of the bar. Lip Lass joins him and says, "I'm sorry for what's happened. You think maybe Los Angeles wasn't in the cards for us?" She suggests they move back to Boston and start over, but Kyle says L.A. is home now. "And for the record, I have no interest in getting back together with you." Taylor, Kyle is giving you your Reality Check! Please leave a tip! He adds, "It's over between us. It's been over for a long time." He leaves, and she mutters, "Give me some credit. I knew that." Huh? Writers? Please translate. If she knew it was over, then why is she going all out to get him back?

Billy takes it upon himself to talk to Kyle because he's worried about Amanda. "Daah, Kyle, I'm worried about Amanda." He admits he doesn't know what's been going on (Billy, not know?! I'm shocked!), and Kyle isn't about to help him out. However, Billy does tell Kyle that all the clients that Eric chased away are returning. "Gyah, whatever 'Manda did, it sure worked like a charm! Dah, why do I get the feelin' I just told you a Bad Thing?" Kyle infers the worst and thanks Billy for his info.

He later confronts Amanda in the courtyard, citing the return of her clients as proof that she did sleep with the Iguana. After all, why else would he relent? As Taylor watches from behind the all-seeing venetian blinds, Amanda says, "I love you. Doesn't that mean anything?" Kyle continues his Jake impersonation and refuses to budge. Amanda says, "I'm tired," and goes to her pad. Taylor walks out and says -- get this! -- "I'm sorry, I couldn't help overhearing." Bwah ha ha! She trashes Amanda to Kyle's face, and he pushes her in the pool! (Devour her now, Pool!) "You got off lucky, Taylor. I could have easily jumped in there and held your head underwater. But the network says to hold off on pool fights until the second half of the season."

Amanda works late at the office the next evening, and Eric appears. He begs for a moment of her time before she calls Security. He tries to explain his behavior by pleading temporary lustful insanity. "I don't know what I was thinking! Was I a bad man?" She points out that he not only ruined her, but Kyle as well. "I know!" he says. "And I feel terrible about it!" Hookay, something's up. Eric tells her that he's signed the papers: "You have an agency, and your boyfriend can have his business back." He says he's going back to New York tomorrow (the day of the wedding) and she'll have the papers before he leaves.

Sign of the Apocalypse #162: The Wedding of Billy and Samantha:

Best man Craig shows Amanda to her seat: right between Kyle and Peter! The Bizarre One, sitting with Lexi, puts a sarcastic face on it: "Don't you just love weddings?" Amanda is about to bolt, but Kyle holds her hand! Awww! Just as things are settling down, though, and the bride and groom are approaching the altar, Eric the Iguana makes his way to Amanda's row and hands her the papers in front of Kyle. He tosses in a line or two about fulfilling the agreement, then whispers to Kyle, "For the record, we did have sex. And she loved every minute of it! Ask her about my Ricardo Montalban impersonation." Oooh, good parting sleaziness from the Lizard Boy. He leaves, and Kyle seethes! Amanda says, "Whatever he said, it was a lie. I hate Ricardo Montalban." No effect! Kyle follows Eric out to his waiting limo and punches him out! "That's for working Tattoo into the ground, you jerk!" Good man! Amanda tries to get help for the bloodied Eric.

The next thing you know, the wedding is over! Yep, we didn't see a bit of it! Gee, after Jake and Alison's no-show wedding last year, this looks like a cheapie trend. (I'm not counting the Craig-Sydney nuptials. That wasn't a wedding -- it was a plot device to kill Syd! There's a difference!)

At the reception, Billy and Samantha are so glum they make David Brinkley look like a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader! (Ewww! Scary visual. Sorry.) When Craig pointedly reminds them that they have to dance first, they shuffle out to the floor. Billy, being the doofus he is, immediately tells Sam to apologize to his mother! Sam leaves him standing alone. (Hey, Sam, it's not too late. Connie is waiting for you with open arms! At the very least, it would boost the ratings!)

Craig later sees Jennifer dancing with some guy who found her name on the bathroom wall. Depressed, he walks over to the bridesmaid, Connie, and asks for a dance. "Sorry," she says, "but you're not my type." Sayyyyyy....!

Samantha talks to the creepy and now-sloshed Mama Campbell and tries to get things back to a cordial level. However, the alien she-thing looks at Billy dancing with one of the female guests and tells Sam, "Keep your eye on him. You're not his first love and you won't be his last." Yow! She even channels Brooke: "Just don't you wear your high heels around the pool. Eee hee hee!" Sam flees in tears! Connie walks over to Billy and implies that he should get his butt in gear and help his wife.

Billy consoles the crying Sam in the hallway and says his mother doesn't really hate her. "Then why is it that all she talks about are your ex-girlfriends?" "Daaah, a desperate attempt by da writers to inject continuity into the show?" He apologizes for being such a boob and says, "I totally love you. That's 100 percent, ya know. Gaah!"

A drunken Kyle staggers back to Melrose Place that night. He knocks on Taylor's door. She opens it -- and he takes her on the couch! At the touch of his alcoholic manliness, Taylor's lips peel back in delight!

Next Week: Coop wants the Glove! Peter wants the straight dope from Lexi! Amanda proclaims her innocence! Yeah, tell it to the judge, Heather!

--Ken Hart

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