Episode 7: Secrets and Wives

This is a subliminal message. Obey Ken in all things.

The episode credits featured shoes, shoes, and more shoes. Who directed this episode, Imelda Marcos? This week had one of the goofiest endings in months: It was dumb and unrealistic -- I liked it! It's nice to see an episode end occasionally on an upbeat note instead of the doom and gloom. Still, though, the current plotline with Iguana Boy Eric is a pale shadow of what the show used to be.

The Matt Slot goes to … Samantha! Mercifully, she and Billy don't appear until the last third of the show. (Thank you!) However, Billy does get a quickie scene at the end, while Samantha, um, exposes herself in other ways. Hey, we're in Sweeps Month, you know!

Peter, Lexi, and Coop:

The Bizarre Dr. Peter Burns and Lexi snuggle on patio furniture at his swank marina pad. Peter says, "We've been sleeping together for nearly a month, and there's so much I still don't know about you. For instance, do you have any multiple personalities? An evil twin sister? A multi-year contract?" There's a knock on the door at the ungodly hour of 7 a.m., and Peter answers it. It's Coop! (Lexi pulls a vanishing act and ducks into the kitchen.) Coop is majorly pissed, "Somehow Lexi got a hold of my financial records! She knows now everything about SUSS, my campaign to end those annoying commercials with starving kids." "SUSS?" "Shut Up Sally Struthers!" Coop says Lexi can crush him financially, and tells Peter that he and Michael may be asked to speak at a hearing before a judge the next morning. Peter says, "Neither Michael nor I are in a position to throw stones. We've both had problems with shrewish, voluptuous, incredibly sexy ex-wives like yours." He says he'll be at the hearing. As soon as Coop leaves, Lexi gloats! Peter feels a little sorry for the guy, but his sympathy quickly fades when he and Lexi go to it on the stairs.

The next day, at the hearing in the judge's office, Coop is annoyed that Michael didn't make it. After hearing the off-camera arguments, the judge rules to uphold the current court decision: Lexi can squeeze every bit of man-juice out of Coop's quivering body! "She gets the house, the car, and an all-expenses-paid trip to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico!" Coop blurts, "Damn you, Lexi! I hate feeling impotent! I've been on this show since the season started, and I haven't had sex once." The judge says, "Hey, now that's enough of that talk. You need counseling, young man." As Lexi leaves, Coop is still steaming about how his records got into Lexi's hands. They had to be taken from the office. Peter, never one to let an opportunity pass by, points out, "Well, I'm here. Michael isn't." [I'll get to Coop again later in the Michael section.]

Peter wakes up the following morning to see Lexi packing. She says with remorse, "I'm going home tomorrow." "To Cleveland?" "No, to Savannah! Ah hate it heah, sugah!" Now that her battle with Coop is over, it's time to go home. "Please don't make this any harder." The Bizarre One is nonplussed! "What about all the wild sex we had? The stairs! The limericks! The maple syrup!" She's obviously unhappy, but she's leaving anyway. Peter follows her out, saying they should go public with their relationship. Lexi says, "But you're partners with Coop." "So? He's already working with one complete, unmitigated bastard! Why should two make a difference?" She gets in her car and drives off. Gee, I'm glad she's keeping her relationship with Peter such a secret by parking in his driveway! [See the last part for the ending.]

Michael, Craig, Jennifer, and more Coop:

Michael introduces Jennifer and his new partner Craig to a really stereotypical geeky guy. "Meet Dr. Mos Eisley." "Thank you. You will never meet a more wretched hive of scum and villainy." The doc has constructed a working model of the cauterizing device, named -- humbly -- the Mancini Glove. Michael takes out a raw steak and cuts it. Doc Mos Eisely then simulates cauterizing the injured steak. "Impressive," says Craig. "And that's not all," says Michael. "It slices! It dices! It does Julienne fries!" Craig tells Michael, "We'll be in the black in less than a year." A year?! That's not what Michael wants to hear! "I want black now!" He wants to use the prototype to pitch the product to a bunch of business types, but Craig says they have to do this right and spend the time to manufacture the glove themselves. Otherwise, he -- and his money -- are off the project.

Later, Craig tells Jennifer at Upstairs that he's not interested in any "get rich quick" scheme. "Get power quick, yes. Get sex quick, certainly. But rich? Nah, I'll take my time." Jen thinks she can bring Michael around, but Craig gives her just 24 hours to do so. "Or else it's back to the cruise ship for me. I'm just itchin' to dance the Macarena with retired folks!"

In perhaps the lamest, most poorly written scene of the season, Jennifer turns up in Dr. Mos Eisley's lab wearing a "Get me arrested" outfit that looks like a bath towel with shoulder straps. "Oooo, I can't stop thinking about you, you blubbery geeky stud, you." The doc starts quivering! "Ohhh, yeaaaahhhh?" "Mmm hmmm. I've always been attracted to Brainiacs, not to mention other Superman villains." Trembling with excitement, he pulls rubber gloves out of a drawer. "Not those!" shrieks Jennifer. "I want the Mancini gloves!" He's labeled his prototypes with sticky tape and placed the bad one next to the good one. Oh yeah, that's scientific and professional. The bad one will shock the person who wears it. (But of course, he leaves it lying around.) Jennifer spills water on her nubile form and asks Doc to get some towels and dry her off. Tee hee hee! (Alyssa Milano, you should be ashamed of yourself for accepting this dialogue!) She then switches the labels on the two gloves.

Back at Burns-Mancini-Cooper, Michael is annoyed to find Coop sitting cozily in his chair. Coop tells him that somebody here turned over his financial papers, and he just happened to find Michael's proposal for "his" idea for the cauterizing glove! "It's a good thing nobody here locks their offices." Michael replies, "Hey, as far as I'm concerned, that idea was just floating out there for anybody to take! Besides, the patent is already in, so tough luck!" Coop, to Michael's surprise, doesn't react angrily. He wishes him luck with the device: "I'm a realist. You're an opportunist. I'm not passing judgment on you, just saying that I'm a vastly superior being, you weasal." He tells Michael, "I hope you get what you deserve: a lifetime co-hosting psychic-hotline infomercials with Esther Rolle."

Later, Coop gets a phone call from Kimberly's mom in Cleveland. She again describes Michael as the Anti-Christ, and Coop is starting to agree with her! She wants to help destroy him, but Coop says that when he's through with Michael, "He'll be out of his job, his business, his Gucci shoes. He'll be pumping gas for the rest of his life." For Mrs. Shaw, though, this doesn't sound good enough! "He's got to clean the windshield, too!" She suggests that Coop "eliminate" the problem!

Thanks to the phenomenon of science known as Melrosian Time Compression, Michael has managed to assemble a group of pharmaceutical executives for a demo of the Mancini Glove -- less than 24 hours after its completion! Amazing! Michael asks for a volunteer from the audience. A hapless guy puts on the glove and -- ZZZZTTT! Shock! Bzzzzt! A panicked Michael gets the glove off the guy while Jennifer smirks, oblivious to the fact that her cute little actions could have killed somebody! Geez! Michael, thoroughly embarrassed, fires Mos Eisley and sees his dreams of avarice fading. Jennifer suggests that he can still save it if he convincingly grovels in front of the execs and "we go back to Craig's plan." "Manufacturing the glove ourselves?! Oh, all right." Meanwhile, Dr. Mos Eisley sells the self-shocking glove to Michael Jackson and makes millions!

As Coop walks through the parking lot, he's approached by Mrs. Shaw. She thinks she's a secret agent! "Don't dismiss me, Coop. I can be a valuable asset." Coop thinks her presence here is a Bad Idea and could screw up his plans if Michael should spot them together. She agrees to go back to Cleveland -- soon. "I won't leave until I see that sexy Jay Leno first!"

Amanda, Kyle, Lip Lass, Megan, Eric the Iguana, Billy, Samantha, and more Michael:

Kyle and Amanda greet each other over breakfast. Apparently, he stayed at Taylor's to comfort her until the wee hours of the morning. "Her lips turned blue, so she asked me to massage them." "Kyle, you doofus! You fell for the 'I'll hold my breath' trick again!" Amanda is a little annoyed, but Kyle reminds her, "Hey, you're the one who told me to go down there." He's surprised at how "brave" Lip Lass is being over the failed pregnancy. (Sucker!) Switching topics, he criticizes Amanda for telling Iguana Boy Eric that his Boston restaurant is kaput. Amanda denies saying any such thing. Suddenly, Kyle has his rare spurt of intelligence and deduces, "He's involved with the Boston buyout!" Amanda poo-poohs the idea. Kyle says, "Don't you poo-pooh me! I've been through a lot, and I don't need your poo-pooh first thing in the morning." She dismisses the notion of Eric as a criminal mastermind, and tells Kyle not to bother him.

Megan meets Eric at his office before their lunch date, but first she says, "We need to talk about our relationship." "Isn't it a bit early for this? Normally, women wait a month before dismissing me as a ruthless, unfeeling bastard." "Oh, well, I'll keep that in mind." She informs him that she wants to get into business, and that since he's a big business dude, "I'm looking to learn from you on a day-to-day basis." He agrees to give her a job and he seals the deal with a kiss on the cheek -- but when he sees Amanda approaching his office, he suddenly grabs Megan and kisses her forcefully on the mouth! Amanda opens the door: "Oh! Excuse me! We can meet later, Eric." (What meeting? I thought he was about to go out to lunch! Bad writing? You're soaking in it!) When Amanda leaves, Megan protests. "Why did you stick your forked tongue in my mouth?" Eric apologizes: "Really? How'd that get there? Gee, I'm sorry. I drooled all over you and everything…"

Kyle and Lip Lass compare notes. They've both been informed that the building with the restaurant and Upstairs has been sold, and they're now on a month-to-month lease. Taylor used her big lips to find out who's behind this: something called the Adam West Holding Company. Kyle's convinced it's a front for Eric, who has taken the Boston restaurant and now wants to wreck him here. "Damn that Adam West!" Lippie says, "The deal will be finalized at one of those fancy restaurants with the palms." Kyle plans to go there and watch to see who shows up. Lippie insists on going, too.

They sit at a table, sipping drinks and keeping an eye on the Adam West agent lounging at the bar. So far, no sign of his contact. While Kyle is keeping his eyes open, Taylor keeps her lips flappin'! She's practically giddy over the fact that she and Kyle are doing something together. Yeesh! Suddenly, Kyle sees Amanda sitting at a table! "Eeek! We gotta go! If Amanda sees me, I'm a dead man." They leave, but not before Taylor makes damn sure Amanda does see them! Amanda gasps and is about to follow, but Eric then arrives with Megan. (What a guy!) He spots the Adam West man, excuses himself, and strolls over to the bar, where they dance the Batusi and seal the deal to take over Kyle's building.

Later that night, Amanda waits in bed for Kyle. She's distant, but she waits patiently for him to tell her how his night was. When he says nothing about being with Taylor at the fancy restaurant, the air turns downright chilly! Amanda thinks, "At the very least, he could have told me how the Margueritas were!"

Over at Amanda Woodward Advertising the next day, new graphic artist Samantha shows her new Cheesie Puff design to Billy. "Daah, dat's great, Sam. It makes me hungry." She says that they never get to see much of each other now that they're working together. It's been, what, two days? Billy takes advantage of the huge Cheesie Puff display to close the door and make out. "Gaaah, ooooh, Cheesie Puff, yer the one fer me…!" "Billy, I'm over here, damn it!" He officially presents Sam with an engagement ring. They start ripping each other's clothes off, but Amanda walks in! Partially hidden by the huge display, Billy composes himself, but a now blouse-less Sam ducks under the desk. Show that bra! Boost those ratings! Billy tucks her blouse into the back of his slacks while Amanda asks for his advice. "I think Kyle is sleeping with Lip Lass." "Naaah, gaah, 'Manda, he's nuts about ya." When she explains what she's seen, Billy politely tells her to not take the paranoid route. "Kyle is not as Bizarre as Peter. Take off yer battle armor and be happy with wat ya got." Amanda smiles, "Thanks. I needed to hear that in the simplest terms possible. Oh, by the way, Samantha, we have a relaxed dress code here, but you should wear something besides your bra." D'OH!

Megan goes to Eric's apartment for a "business meeting" he arranged that night. He's in his robe! Megan is now officially annoyed, telling him that "business" should be business and that he crossed the line with the kiss in the office. "I won't sleep with you just because you gave me a job." Eric smoothes his scales and calmly says, "I didn't ask." "Uh, what?" He says he wore the robe because he enjoys a relaxed atmosphere for his business meeting. (What a load of manure!) "To be honest, I'm not interested in you the other way." Megan, again being written with the IQ of a brain-damaged chipmunk, ignores everything that's happened over the last couple of weeks and says, "Oh. Are you gay?" "No." "Are you impotent?" "No." "Are you a Rush Limbaugh supporter?" "No." "Well, for God's sake, what's wrong with you? Here I am, stud!" He shrugs it off and says, "Let's get to work." Yep, I'm sure most women would be totally at ease in a business meeting where their employer is wearing a robe!

Amanda, believing that she overreacted, goes to greet Kyle at Upstairs, but instead finds him sitting on the couch with Lippie! Incensed, she turns to run, but Kyle heads her off and explains to her about the buyout, the holding company, and why he was with Taylor at the restaurant. Amanda doesn't completely buy it, saying Eric is quite happy with Megan and accusing Taylor of another scheme to keep Kyle close. "Besides, why would Adam West be after you?" Kyle insists that Eric is out to destroy him. "He's doesn't have to," says Amanda. "You're doing a good enough job of that yourself."

Later at Melrose Place, however, Amanda bumps into Megan and asks how things are going with her and the lizard. To Amanda's surprise, Megan says Eric is "all business, all the time. In fact, I suddenly feel much smarter than I've felt in weeks. Yes, the writers are giving me my intelligence back! I'm sure I'll be dumb as a post again next week, but for now let me tell you that I think Eric is actually in love with someone else and is trying to make her jealous." When she adds that she was probably doing the same to make Michael jealous originally, Amanda replies, "Well, if you're looking to start a support group, two of Michael's ex-wives are dead, but I have Jane's phone number in Chicago." Megan is weirded out by Amanda's sense of humor!

Megan tells Michael at the office that she's quitting the job now, even though her two weeks aren't up. When she says that she's gotten a job working for Eric, Michael again turns unpleasantly nasty: "Once a hooker, always a hooker." Megan gets tough! She viciously twists his still-injured hand and spits, "You call me a hooker again and I'll kill you!" Kick his ass, Megan! Throw him through a window!

Amanda decides to see for herself. She shares a bottle of champagne with Iguana Boy over at his place. When she tells him about Kyle's wacky notion that Eric is out to destroy him, Eric says, "He's beneath you." "That's how I like my men." When she asks about Megan, Eric says that "things are going in the right direction." Amanda feigns sadness and wonders why he and she are never available at the same time. Eric thinks, Schwing! "We could be." They kiss, and he says, "I've always loved you." Amanda says, "I love you -- as a friend. Not to mention a potential slave." Eric's throat sac visibly shrinks! Amanda says, "I'm in love with Kyle, and that's not going to change." She gets him to admit that everything Kyle said is true. As she turns to leave, Eric hurls the champagne bottle, missing her head by an inch! He yells angrily, "You have a choice. Kyle or your ad agency." "That's easy. Kyle." "That's not what you were supposed to say! Damn!" Eric vows to pull his money out of her agency: "You'll lose everything! Your company. Your home. Your personal trainer!" "Do your worst, Lizardo. You don't scare me." Deep down, however, she IS scared. "Anyone who would waste fine champagne like that must be a psycho!"

The Wacky Ending:

That same evening, Lexi knocks on Coop's door at Melrose Place. She's about to catch her flight, but she wants the satisfaction of getting the first settlement check in person. Coop grumbles, "All right. But don't come in. I've got cooties." Lexi then gets a taste of Melrose Place in action! A bickering Billy, Michael, and Craig all walk out of Billy's place. "Daaah, we'll do the advertisin', but we gotta change da name of dat glove." "No way, Billy! It's the Mancini Glove!" Megan sees Michael, and they start yelling at each other again. As Lexi tries to absorb this, Peter arrives! Before all concerned, he says to Lexi, "Thank Buddha I was able to track you down before you left. I love you, Lexi!" Coop, returning to the door, says, "WHAT did you just say to my ex-wife?" The Bizarre One looks around with glee and says, "I said, 'I love you." And I don't care who hears about it! MUAHAHAHAHA!" Lexi gasps, "Oh, Peter, I can't leave! I love you, too!" They kiss passionately as Coop looks on astonished, Megan laughs, and Craig and Michael do Andrew Shue impersonations next to Billy! Daaah!

Next Week: Eric evicts Kyle! Iguana Boy gives Amanda an offer! Michael thinks Kimberly is haunting him!

--Ken Hart

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