Episode 30: Going Places


When Billy was being interrogated in this episode, didn't you wish Detective Sipowicz from "NYPD Blue" would come in and kick his butt?

The Matt Slot goes to ... Alison, for her relatively non-verbal, gaping appearance!

Billy, Samantha, and Evil Dad:

Billy sits in a disgustingly clean interrogation room at the police station, where the detectives grill him on his knowledge of "Seinfeld" episodes. "Which baseball team has George worked for?" "Daah, I don't know! I never watch it!" "What's the password on Jerry's ATM card?" "Stop it, I tell ya! Gaah!" "What vegetable does Newman hate?" "All right, I give up! It's broccoli! Vile weed!"

When they ask him about Sam's father, though, Billy hangs tough and says he knows nothing. The cops find this easy to believe. Meanwhile, Samantha claims she had no idea her Evil Dad had escaped prison. "I swear, he said he had gotten a weekend pass!" They're released but are warned to notify the police immediately if they see Jim again. Outside the precinct, Billy demands to know if Sam HAS seen her dad since the "farewell" at the motel. She admits that Dad grabbed her the other night, but she told him to get lost. Billy is mad that she kept this a secret. "Are you really willing to sacrifice your whole life? Me?" "Ah, doy, is this a trick question?" Billy walks off. Sam says, "Where are you going?" Billy replies, "I'm walkin' home. Daah, you can tell by the way I do my walk, ah'm a dancin' man, no time ta talk. Stayin' aliiiiiiivvvvve....!"

At Shooter's (The Only Bar in Town, at least until all the customers go to Kyle's jazz club after Jake leaves the show), Billy and Sam are sitting at a table, but they're a little unnerved by the Secret Service wannabee who has been watching them all night. Duh, could he be a cop? He blends in with the Shooter's crowd about as well as Trent Reznor in a Mentos commercial. Billy finally has had enough. He confronts the guy: "Daah, why are you so interested in me and my girfriend?" "I'm with the LAPD, Campbell. We've been keeping an eye on that evil commune where you live: scam artists, blackmailers, drug addicts, ad executives ... we'll get to the bottom of it!"

When the couple returns to their apartment, they find a smiling Evil Dad waiting for them! Billy wants to call the police, but Jim has already pulled the plug. "Daah, ya didn't haf ta break da cord. Ya coulda just unplugged it!" Jim smugly informs them, "I need TEN thousand dollars, a plane ticket to Mexico, and the Jenny McCarthy Video Centerfold." Man, check out the way this guy's prices go up! From a few hundred to a few thousand -- it's like working on a James Cameron film! Jim says that if the Dumb Duo don't deliver, "I'll tell the cops you were in on this from the get-go." He even giggles to prove his psycho credentials! Billy says, "I'll get you the money, the plane ticket, and the video as long as you leave town for good." Jim smiles, "Scout's honor." Whenever you begin to think, "Well, maybe Billy and Sam aren't that stupid," they do something incredibly moronic like this. "Scout's honor"?!? And they believe him? This guy lies like a rug! To elude the smothering blanket of police surveillance, Jim then climbs out the window! Oy!

The next day, Billy tells Sam, "I cleaned out my savings account. $10,000. That's wat he wanted all da time. Wat's for dinner?" "Grilled cheese sandwiches." He wonders, "How are we gonna give the cops the slip?" "Ah, doy, I could dance around naked." "Naah, you're thinkin' of Pacific Palisades. Wat's a good Melrose solution to this?" "Uh, develop a split personality and blackmail the cops' families?" "Daaah, great idea!" Samantha volunteers to meet Dad for the dropoff, but Billy says he'll do it.

At a 24-hour laundromat, Billy gives Jim the money, the plane ticket, and the video. "Gaah, they were sold outta Jenny McCarthy. Is the Shannon Tweed video OK instead?" "Damn. I guess so. You are so incompetent, Billy Boy." Billy coldly says goodbye and good riddance, but Evil Dad's not done yet! "I'm not going anywhere without Sam." A furious Billy tries to get physical, but the big, strapping soccer player is easily overpowered by the much lighter middle-aged man! Shoving Billy's face against a countertop, he gleefully warns, "I've been around the block a few times. Don't you mess with me!" Andrew Shue stares. [Translation: Billy is torn between rage, humiliation, and fear, but all he can do is smell someone's old gym socks.]

Matt, Chelsea, Alison, and Jake:

Jake and Alison head way out into the suburbs to check out a place for sale: a diner with an adjacent home. The man selling it says, "Yep, it's pretty quiet out here. Sure, the mutant cannibals on the farm over yonder still cause some problems, but pay them no mind." Alison thinks the place is "kind of cute," but Jake isn't sure if she's sincere about leaving Los Angeles. She tells him, "You were right when you said it's time to change our lives. After all, my personality has been stable for almost a year now. "

At the hospital, Matt rushes into the emergency room where Chelsea sits with her mom Denise. She broke her wrist while practicing the backhand she'll give Doug Savant if he leaves the show! Chelsea is mad: She tried paging Matt but got no answer. Matt explains, "I was in surgery. Fuzzy Zoeller put his foot in his mouth again." Denise snidely suggests that Matt's "busy schedule" prevents him from being there when Chelsea needs his help. Matt drags Denise into the hallway and chews her out over her petty attempts to score points in front of Chelsea: "You used to pull the same crap with my brother! And you cheated in Scrabble, too!" He says that even if she got custody, she'd abandon Chelsea like she did before. An angry Denise vows that she will get custody.

Back at Shooter's, Jake shows off the place to a prospective buyer, a guy who originally loaned Jake the cash to buy the bar in the first place. Unfortunately, the guy talks about turning it into a dry cleaning place! He leaves, and Matt says to Jake, "The neighborhood won't be the same without Shooter's." Jake tells him not to worry. It's highly unlikely he'll sell to that guy: "I need someone who will uphold this place's reputation. I'll check the FBI's Ten Most Wanted list." Matt is still wrestling with the thought of Jake and Alison leaving Melrose Place. He asks if he and Alison are planning to adopt kids. Jake, as always the Master of Communication, says, "No, that dream's over." Of course, an unseen Alison overhears this and is not thrilled by Jake's abrupt decision.

Megan, Michael, Jennifer, Kyle, Lip Lass, and Peter:

Over at Wilshire Memorial, Michael tells Taylor to look at some papers about rage epilepsy. "Can you try speed reading?" he asks impatiently. Lip Lass doesn't get it. "You want to give Peter a disease?!" Nope, Michael just wants Peter to think he suffers from rage epilepsy. "We'll give him blackouts, symptoms..." "I don't know, Michael. Screwing up his marriage, toying with his emotions -- that's OK. But messing with his head..." A little late in the day for a surge of morality, Lippie! The Bizarre Dr. Peter Burns walks in and is surprised to see the two together. Michael excuses himself and Taylor says she had wanted to see Peter, so "I just thought..." "Don't think. It's not your strong suit." Ouch!

At Kyle's empty restaurant that morning, Megan walks in and tells Kyle, "You have a problem." (You know, a lot of Kyle's problems could be avoided if he just kept the damn doors shut before the restaurant opened.) She wants to discuss Jennifer, but he doesn't want to get involved in her life again. To his credit, he acknowledges that he badly messed Jennifer up emotionally back in Boston, but he says she seems to be doing well, having graduated from Boston College and all. Megan points out that Jen has a bad habit of lying about things, including Boston College. Kyle sighs. "She's a good kid. I know I hurt her, but what do you expect me to do?" She gives him the name and address of Jen's new job at the strip club! "I expect you to clean up your mess."

Over at The Midnight Strip, a scantily clad Jennifer is serving drinks to the drooling patrons. The boss walks over to her, carrying an even-skimpier outfit. He says, "Demi Moore didn't make it in tonight. Her career is finished! Get up on stage and strip!" But before you can say "Sweeps Month," Kyle enters and tells a surprised (but relieved) Jennifer that she's leaving. The boss protests, "Hey pal, this is a labor-management issue!" Kyle and Jennifer head for the door, where the bouncer tries to stop them. "Girl stays. You go. Hulk smash!" The Combat Cook pops him! He leaves with Jen.

He brings her back to his pad and says she can stay here for a couple of days while he's in the Dominican Republic getting his divorced finalized. [See later.] Shockingly, the super chef has no food in the place! His bachelor genes have more power than his cooking genes! "Tell you what," he says. "Go to Mario at the restaurant and tell him to feed you. There should also be a good plot device waiting for you there." As he leaves, a happy Jennifer says, "Come back single!"

Later, over at Kyle's, Michael and Taylor work on their Peter principles. Michael hands her a drug that she should use on Peter. "I don't know, Michael. I'm not sure if I can drug someone again." "Hah?" "You remember Nick the Human Spittoon, right?" After she mentions what she did, Michael says it's even more evidence that Peter needs help. "C'mon, Taylor, what goes around comes around!" He tells her the drug will cause Peter to black out. "We're going to make El Bizarro think he's abusing you during his blackouts. I've also bought a self-help cassette using his credit card: 'Lessons in Humility by Val Kilmer.'" Lip Lass lights up with glee! "He's sure to question his mental health! Your plan is inspired, Michael. I think it's sick!" She plants a big kiss on him, temporarily shutting off the flow of oxygen to Michael's brain. Worse still, Jennifer witnesses this from the kitchen window, where she is conveniently getting food from Mario!

Back at Kyle's apartment, a relieved Megan visits after getting word from Jen. Unfortunately, Jennifer makes a huge leap of logic regarding Kyle's niceness: "We're getting back together! He's getting a divorce right now!" Megan summons the Karmic Waiter: Reality Check, please! "Uh, Kyle rescuing you from the strip club is romantic, but I hope you're not misinterpreting things." They get into a more general chat about men. When Megan disagrees with Jen's statement that all men cheat, Jen says, "My brother does. In fact, Taylor had her big lips wrapped around Michael's!" Whoops! (And don't you love it when even the other characters goof on the big lips?)

Just before Peter arrives home, Lip Lass spikes his Orangina. Still as weird as ever, he is pleased to see her in full Beth Mode. "I had a difficult day. I am enjoying my new ultra-Bizarre nature. I speak in monotone, and I still get paid the same amount of money." He accepts the offered drink. She says, "Why don't you relax and black out...I mean, drink up?"

Michael runs over shortly thereafter in answer to Taylor's call. Peter is out cold! Since they have to convince Peter that he's a wife-beater, Michael takes Peter's knuckles and starts whacking them solidly against the coffee table! By the gods! He's even enjoying it! Taylor yells at him to stop. Now he plans to use makeup on her, but she says Peter will see right through that ruse. She needs a real bruise, so she commands Michael to punch her! He's shocked! She says, "Michael, you cannot wimp out on me now!" When he refuses again, she punches him! "Ow!" He still won't do it. Desperate to prove her love for Peter, Taylor walks over to the door and -- in a classic Melrosian moment -- solidly slams the door into her face! Michael yelps in horror, "Oh God! I can't believe you did that!" She staggers over to the Bizarre Body and says, "I had to do it because I love you that much, Peter." Michael thinks, "What a loony!"

Craig, Sydney, Amanda, and more Kyle:

Sydney goes to Craig and says, "I want to settle, but Sleazy is blackmailing me!" Gee, Syd, what does it feel like? When Craig seems confused, she explains everything and admits that her fall was not so accidental. "Sleazy promised me truckloads of money," but recent events -- and Craig -- have had their effect. If Sleazy wins, though, Syd fears that "I'll be in a small cell, with Big Bertha. I'll be her bitch!" Craig sympathizes, "I've been Amanda's bitch...I mean, slave for a while." He promises to take care of everything.

Meanwhile, Amanda and Kyle make their final divorce plans over the phone. They're leaving for the Dominican Republic tonight with the waivers that Peter and Taylor signed, and Kyle says it should take about two days to get their respective divorce papers finalized. Of course, they'll be staying in separate rooms at the hotel. Uh huh.

After Kyle has gotten Jennifer settled in his place, he and Amanda (who doesn't know about his new houseguest) fly out. When they arrive, Amanda has to share screen time with chickens. Kyle has been talking with a local cab driver and finds out that the road to their hotel has been washed out by the recent Plot Device. Fortunately, the brother of the taxi driver happens to own a beach house they can use instead! Muy increíble! An incredulous Amanda says, "Oh, come on!" Kyle defends himself, saying, "Hey, I've been to a few more foreign ports than you have." "So you think, stud." "What? What was that?" "I said, 'Gee, look at the mud.'" "Oh."

Back in L.A., Sleazy the Lawyer returns to his office to find Craig sifting through his files! Craig calmly says he came in here and took all of Sleazy's files about Sydney. Without anything to blackmail Sydney, Craig suggests he accept the new settlement of $50,000, one-fifth of which goes to him. "Take it or leave it." Sleazy wants to leave it -- he tries to get physical! Craig rubs some hair gel on him, completely immobilizing the lawyer. Sleazy yields!

After Kyle and Amanda reach their destination, Kyle is delighted by the beauty of the beach, but Amanda is pissed! "There is no running water, no electricity, and no place to plug in my cellular! And what about the hockey playoffs?" And there's only one bedroom! When Kyle tries to promote the beauty of nature, she tells him he can sleep on the beach tonight!

Craig arrives at Sydney's apartment. "Sleazy is out of your life for good. No one will ever see him again. I made him a regular on 'Star Trek: Voyager.'" He gives her $40,000 for the settlement, with "a bonus": a kiss! Sydney is tempted, but says she thinks she'll stay relationship-free for the moment. "I care about you, Sydney." "Well, I don't know..." Another kiss! Craig's next line: "Neither of us has felt this way before. So what's stopping us?" Overcome with either passion or nausea from that dialogue, Sydney succumbs, and she and Craig go to it on the couch in a surprisingly chaste scene!

In the morning, Amanda wakes up to find that Kyle has already caught their breakfast: "There was a box of Eggo's floating by. I also reeled in a crate of caviar that said, 'Property of Hayley Armstrong.' Who's that?" Amanda is attracted by Kyle's resourcefulness, attitude, and huge pectoral muscles.

As night falls at the Love Shack, Kyle and Amanda sit by a campfire on the beach. Kyle tells her how much he enjoyed spending the day with her: "Let's keep thumb-wrestling! How about 251 out of 500?" They toast to "Out with the old, in with the new. Goodbye, Jake and Alison. Hello, Jennifer and Craig!" That doesn't sound like a fair trade, does it? Amanda asks Kyle if he intends to keep wearing his wedding ring. He definitely seems iffy. "Are you still in love with Lippie?" "Naah." He thought he had the perfect marriage. Ho ho ho! He pulls the ring off and hurls it into the ocean, then turns to Amanda (now highlighted by the fire) and says, "You look beautiful." Bring out your best! B-u-u-u-d Lite! They kiss briefly, then Kyle breaks it off. (You fool!) "I can't do this," he says. "I can't, either." She says good night and returns to the house. Kyle looks in vain for a cold shower; Amanda is now even more upset she can't plug in electrical devices.

The next day, they're back at the airport, where Kyle is told, "Mr. McBride, you are a free man." The divorces are final! Meanwhile, Amanda is on the cel phone as they wait for their flight. She tells Craig she's on her way back, and he tells her about the ultra-cheap settlement of Sydney's lawsuit. "My goodness, slave. You have done well! I take back everything I've ever said or beaten you with...well, perhaps not that last caning. From now on, you are my hero." Back at D&D, Craig smiles, "Thank you, Mistress Amanda." He hangs up and gazes at a happy Sydney, who now sits at a desk with the nameplate, "Sydney Andrews, Consultant"! Hah!

A tired Kyle and Amanda return to Melrose Place that night. Kyle carries her bags up. Amanda says, "I had a good time." "I had better than a good time." Deep hug! Amanda enters her pad, thinks for a second, then opens the window and calls out, "Kyle! I had better than a good time, too." Kyle smiles -- then a nubile Jennifer opens his door and lustily squeals, "Kyle!" Kyle turns to Amanda to explain, but she smiles sadly and goes back inside.

Next Week: Peter confides to Michael that he's a Lip Beater! Megan raises heck with Michael about Taylor! Amanda and Sydney fight over ... Craig?? Ick!

--Ken Hart

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