Episode 24: From Here to Maternity


It looks like we're heading for another dreaded Melrosian court battle, so brace yourselves for horrifying jumps of illogic in the weeks ahead! A new Pool Boy appeared this episode, which was directed by Michael himself, Thomas Calabro.

The Matt Slot goes to ... Billy again! Craig came close, but at least he had good scenes with Amanda. Billy was just a wooden plot device -- on sale now at Woolworth's!

Sydney and the lawsuit:

At her store, Sydney is rummaging through piles of old papers and receipts. Samantha asks, "Ah, doy, what are you looking for?" "The insurance policy, assuming Jane didn't let it lapse!" Syd plans to let the store's insurance handle any claims brought by the woman who was mugged by the mannequins last week. "Let's see...store receipts, handgun license, love notes from The Accent, ah ha!" Triumphantly, she holds a piece of paper out. When Sam looks it over, though, she says, "This isn't a policy. This is a cancellation notice!" Syd hasn't been paying her bills! Sam says, "I think you should get a lawyer."

Sydney goes to the offices of I.M. Slyme, the attorney representing the "injured party." Syd proudly declares that, in order to save on her insurance premiums, she's representing herself. Holy Burden of Proof, Batman! The lawyer is even more surprised when Syd immediately offers to settle out of court! "Well, yeah," she says. "That woman has, what, a few bruises and a neck sprain? What will it be ... a couple of hundred bucks?" The lawyer pauses. "Uh, wait a second..." Then he has the woman herself wheeled in, wrapped in bandages and a neck brace! "Oh, the pain, the pain," the woman moans. Syd can't believe this! "What a scam!" The lawyer simply shrugs and says the fees will be substantially more than $200. He tells Syd to kiss her assets goodbye!

Amanda, Craig, Peter, Kyle, and Lip Lass:

The Bizarre Dr. Peter Burns is taking a shower, when Taylor also enters the stall. He seems less than excited by the interruption: "You keep away from my hot water, Lippie!" He tells her he'll be out in a minute, but she doesn't mind sharing. She starts lathering him up. He says, "I already washed there." "How about ... here?" "Woo hoo! Don't do that." "Peter, since Amanda dropped by the other night, you've been chilly." Wow, I can't imagine why! Liar! He tells her that recent events have him confused: "I'm not even sure what we're supposed to be." "It seems pretty clear to me -- live-in lovers!" He backs out of the stall, saying, "It's getting crowded in here. I'm going to the YMCA." He adds that he's not telling her to leave the house, but "I'm just not sure you'd be happy if you stayed. And don't touch my duck again."

Kyle knocks on Amanda's door and asks her to have the locks on his apartment changed. They commiserate about their failed marriages. Amanda says, "For what it's worth, I'm sorry it happened." And now from the Beating a Dead Horse Department: As if they didn't realize all this last time, Amanda gets Kyle to wonder if maybe Lip Lass knew about Peter being in L.A. when she made the move over here. Gee, ya think?

Amanda gets Craig to take her to a car dealership. "What are we looking for, Mistress Amanda? Will you install small pins in the passenger seat like you did with your last car?" "Silence, slave! I am simply picking up my new Chariot of Pleasure -- I ordered it over the Internet! MUAHAHAHAHA!" "Wow, that's pretty good, Mistress, especially when you consider D&D didn't even have E-mail until I added it during my brief reign of power." "Bah, you only had even that morsel because I willed it! Now get in!" They hop in the silver convertible. "Ohhh, Mistress, the leather is so smooth..." "Indeed. And now we ride for the coast!" Amanda literally burns rubber as the car speeds off.

Kyle roughly grabs Taylor just outside The Bizarre One's home. "I want an honest answer to one question: When you moved us out here, did you know Burns was here? Answer!" She says yes! "I saw his picture in the paper! I know how crazy it is that a L.A. doctor's picture would be in a Boston paper, but that's destiny for you! And I'm glad!" Peter runs out and tells Kyle to keep his hands off her lips. "Don't bother defending her honor, Doc. She's got none, but you'll find that out soon enough." When he leaves, Taylor says, "Thank God you came out when you did. He's crazy, Peter. Crazy!"

That night, in a ritzy hotel along the coast, a sexy Amanda has dinner with the eager and oh-so-dumb Craig. "Now, slave, I believe I am ready for the new 'physical experience' you promised." "Oh, Mistress, you don't know how much this pleases me! I shall get the Twister mat! Perhaps we should stay here tonight." Amanda says, "I've already taken care of that. I've got the honeymoon suite, complete with hot tub, full bar, WCW wrestling on cable, and a bed the size of Nebraska!" Craig is about to leap out of his chair with joy. But then Amanda continues, "Unfortunately, your room only has a king-size bed." Craig is baffled! Amanda simply tells him, "You've made me realize that all my problems stem from one thing: sex! It opens you up and makes you vulnerable, which makes you weak. And I really don't like weakness." She is now taking an oath of celibacy, effective immediately. "Oh, Mistress, the torture...! Truly, you are the supreme giver of pain!" Celibacy? On Melrose Place? Should we take bets on how long that'll last? Four episodes, tops!

Back in Los Angeles, Amanda visits Kyle in the restaurant's kitchen to tell him the locks will be replaced this afternoon. They cozily chat for a bit, and she asks if he'll now leave L.A. "Uh uh," he says. "I've put in too much blood, sweat, and tears to quit this place without a fight." Amanda says, "I like that quality in a person. My slave...I mean, Craig...also believes in the value of blood and tears." Kyle also looks at Amanda in a new light. As Taylor enters the kitchen, he asks Amanda if she'd like to have a "divorce toast on the house," but she says, "Another time." As she walks by Lip Lass, she says, "Put on weight, Taylor?" Zing! Kyle angrily tells Lippie she's got a lot of nerve showing up here. Taylor says, "I'm not afraid of you." "Oh yeah? Well, here's a tip..." -- Kyle viciously chops a head of lettuce in half -- "...Maybe you should be! Fan reaction is decidedly against you!" Lippie hurriedly walks out, muttering "The fans do like me...they do...!"

Michael, Megan, and Kimberly:

When Michael arrives in the hospital's parking lot, he's met by Kimberly, who demands to know what he's going to do. He bluntly says, "I'm staying with my wife!" When Kim objects, he adds, "I hate and completely disbelieve you." Without admitting her own complicity, Kim says, "Megan is a prostitute by nature. She can't change. It's in her genetic code!" Michael angrily says that Kim is the one who is showing her true colors, psycho mutant freak that she is. Suddenly, Kim gets woozy and gasps for breath. Michael says, "Oh, and one more thing. Drop the 'dead' act. It's gotten old." He walks inside the hospital, as Kimberly collapses to the pavement. "Damn smog...!"

Michael and Megan later relax in a hotel bed after much room service and sex. Megan doesn't think she deserves Michael, and he says, "We need to work on your self-esteem. Everybody on this show has tons of it!" He suggests that she take time to develop new skills, and he'll help and support her. "The sky's the limit for ex-prostitutes, honey. Telemarketing, diplomacy, talk shows ... you name it!" He also predicts, "By this time next month, I'll be Wilshire Memorial's chief of staff!" "Wait. I thought that was The Bizarre One's job." Michael has a cunning plan...

Kimberly wakes up in a hospital room (you know, the same one we always see), where Dr. Ganglia gives her Good News and Bad News. The Good News: "Your tumor is still miraculously in remission. We're sending samples of your DNA to 'The X-Files'." The Bad News: "You've got one hulking aneurysm!" He says the surrounding tissue was weakened by the tumor. "The lobe that controls your plotline has reacted strongly!" They can operate, but it'll probably leave her partially paralyzed. "And that's not so bad, Kimberly. Scientific studies have shown that swimming in the Melrose pool and having sex with Jake can cure paralysis. Look what happened to Jane!" If they don't operate, Kim will suffer anything from headaches to ... instantaneous death! Geez, that's a range!

Peter returns to the Burns-Mancini offices to see Michael training Megan as their new receptionist! Michael says it's the perfect solution: "We need a receptionist and she's good on the phone!" Peter takes him aside and whispers, "Are you insane? This is a public relations nightmare!" (Oh yeah, like they haven't had those to deal with before! Let's not forget Peter's arrest for murder or Michael's sex with a minor. Naah, those were easy!) Michael firmly says that he's the one who's been keeping this practice afloat, so Megan stays. Peter yields. "OK, but if we ever hire another one of your wives, let's make sure she can type!"

Dr. Ganglia then enters and speaks privately with Michael. He leaves a few seconds later, and Megan asks a carefree Michael what's up. "Oh, Kimberly's got an aneurysm. He wanted me to talk her into having surgery." He tells Megan he just pretended to agree; he has no intention of speaking to Kim! "What?!" "Hey, Ganglia's a high muckety-muck at the hospital. I can't have him thinking I'm an unfeeling creep!" (Michael is the best character!) Megan is disturbed by his coldness, but Michael defends his attitude: "The writers have given Kimberly so many different personalities I've got emotional whiplash!"

That night, Megan goes alone to the beach house. It's quiet and dark inside. She finds a very still Kimberly in the bed. Is she dead? Not yet! Kim moans, "Dr. Ganglia mentioned something about headaches or instant death. He didn't say anything about a long, protracted death scene." Megan wants to call the hospital, but Kim says no. "I want to stay here, watch TV, and strike Gothic poses on the porch."

At Burns-Mancini, Megan secretly arranges to get a private nurse for Kimberly -- and she's charging it to the practice! Peter asks how Michael can be scheduled for surgery every day. Michael says that's correct! Peter thinks all these surgeries are unnecessary: "Come on, Michael. Does Mrs. Phillips really need an appendectomy? She had one already!" Michael gets defiant: "Someone's gotta keep the practice going while you dabble in administration." Peter says he's sworn to uphold ethical standards. Michael scoffs, "What you know about ethics could fit in a specimen cup!" Then Michael asks him about the letter of recommendation Peter never delivered. Peter says, "So that's what this is about? The truth is, you don't have the chops to be chief of staff." Ouch! Michael doesn't like that!

Later, Michael hears the office phone ringing, but Megan isn't at her desk. Never hire your relatives! He picks it up. It's the nurse Megan hired! She tells Michael the patient hasn't improved and refuses to go to the hospital. Visibly angry, Michael rushes out of the office! (Don't these "extremely busy" doctors ever have anyone in their waiting room?)

Michael storms into the beach house and immediately fires the nurse! "Where's that faker?" He walks into the bedroom and sees that Kim is definitely not faking -- she looks terrible. Megan is also in the room; she tells a now quiet Michael that Kimberly hasn't been able to speak. (Hey, if Megan was there, then why did the nurse call the office?) The nurse says they need Kim's next of kin for permission to move her to the hospital. "Well, I guess that would be her wig maker." "No, Michael, Kimberly doesn't wear a wig over her evil Hellraiser scar, remember? Nudge nudge wink wink." "Oh yeah." Michael calls Kim's mom, "Yes, ma'am, I know how you feel about me...yes, I love you, too. But your daughter's real sick. I think you'd better get on the next plane out here. Her contract is up next week."

Matt, his mom, Chelsea, and Samantha:

At Matt's place, he and his mom are fretting over the fate of Chelsea. They made flyers that say, "Missing: Chelsea. May be accompanied by Secret Service detail and Socks the Cat. If found, please return to gay single guy in Melrose Place." It's been several days since she disappeared. Matt says, "My dummy neighbor Samantha is helping me put up flyers, and I've contacted my social worker friends." Mom wonders, "What about the police?" Matt says, "Well, we don't want Chelsea dead, now do we?" Mom starts getting nasty, "Matt, we're not talking about some gay runaway. If she had stayed with me, this wouldn't have happened." She implies Matt would provide an "unstable" influence. Matt rejects this. "I'm as stable as any of my neighbors! Well, let me rephrase that..." Mom leaves in a huff to talk to the police.

In North Hollywood, Matt and Samantha hand out the Chelsea flyers to passersby. Sam says, "Billy would've been here, too, but he was disappointed when he realized that 'flyers' weren't hang-gliders." Matt goes through a quick guilt trip, then says he'd probably be a terrible dad because of his classes and work. Samantha says, "Ah, doy, that's a bunch of hooey!" (Note: This may be the first use of the word "hooey" in series history.) "You'd be a great dad," she continues. "You're kind and caring, which is better than mine." Matt says, "Really? I thought you had the perfect childhood." "Oh, don't mind me -- I'm just foreshadowing the end of the episode. Did I do OK?" "Uh, yeah ... hey, it's Chelsea!" Matt thinks he sees her across the street, but she gets into a passing car before he can reach her.

In the afternoon, Samantha is painting in the courtyard while Matt leaves his pad, juggling medical textbooks. As much as he's worried about Chelsea, he can't afford to ignore his studies any more. Matt rushes back in where he hears the phone ring. It's his friend Lucy from the Covenant House shelter. "Waaah, Ricky, Chelsea just popped up!" She's well, but Lucy adds that Chelsea clearly doesn't want to see Matt or his mom: "Got anybody who'd be a good buffer? Someone with little intelligence or ego to cloud the issue?" Matt looks at Sam!

Chelsea is not happy when she sees Matt and Samantha arrive at the shelter. Matt says he and her grandmother have been very worried. Chelsea says she's been busy ripping down his flyers! She adds that she overheard the argument the other day and realizes that she's not wanted. Matt realizes he's getting nowhere, so Sam takes a shot: "Chelsea, I know that we don't know each other very well -- in fact, we've never had a scene together -- but I ran away once, too. Well, actually, I just got lost in my backyard." She reminds Chelsea that there are people who care about her. The emotional walls begin to crumble, but Chelsea refuses to go back to her grandmother's crypt of terror. Matt offers his place once more, and Chelsea agrees.

Back at his place, Matt shows his niece some old photos of him and her father Luke. "Here he is, fashioning his first lightsaber. You know, Chelsea, your dad was really a nice guy as Jedi Knights go." Chelsea shrugs. Matt admits that custody and the accompanying responsibility scares him. At that point, Matt's mom shows up. She's delighted to see Chelsea and tells her to come back with her. Matt says, "I think Chelsea should stay with me." Chelsea is happy! Mom, shocked, says Matt's lifestyle makes this totally inappropriate. Now Matt is shocked! "Believe it or not, Mom, I'm the most moral guy in the whole complex!" Chelsea says, "Grandma, you're starting to make Bob Dornan sound sane. OK, maybe I'm overstating things..." Mom passionately tells Matt, "You can't suddenly decide to be a father when you've chosen a lifestyle that is anti-family at best! What would the sponsors say?" Matt's mouth hangs open! (Not quite a Gape, but close!) "I want you and your homophobia out of my house." Mom says, "I can't let you do this. It's wrong." Yep, there's a legal battle coming up! I'll bet Matt ends up falling for his inevitably hunky lawyer.

That night, Billy and Samantha return from the movies. "Ah, doy, Billy. What a dumb film." "Gaah, yeah! I didn't get it. Why was it called 'Shine' if there weren't any light bulbs in it? Seemed pretty dark ta me!" Still, Sam is enjoying herself. "Who knew I was going to be so happy?" "Dah, I did -- the moment I saw you! Well, maybe not, I was still lusting after Alison at the time..." Just then, a man half-hidden by shadows softly calls, "Samantha." "Dad?! You're out?" Sam actually backs up a couple of steps! "Dah, out of what?" The man steps forward: "Maryland State Pen. Didn't she tell you?" (It's Tony Denison, a.k.a. Anthony John Denison of "Crime Story," "Wiseguy," and a slew of USA Network movies.) He just got released and figured he'd surprise his "little girl." Samantha's dark past will be revealed! Should we be excited? No! Wake me when it's over.

Alison, Jake, and That Wacky Fetus:

Amanda calls up the resting Alison and needs her input on the Colfax account. "Since you're unable to come in, I'm handling the meeting." Alison asks, "Can't we postpone it?" "What, until you give birth? Don't be ridiculous! On the Melrosian time-scale, that could be anywhere from three weeks to three years!" Amanda tells her to fax her thoughts over to D&D. "Okay," says Alison, who thinks FAX: Amanda, here are my thoughts. You are a bitch. Jake walks in and sees Alison's look of depression. She hates just sitting around. But Jake reminds her that these are the doctor's orders. "Oh, damn my incompetent organ!" Jake says that taking care of "our kid" should be the most important thing on her mind. Alison says, "Yeah, I know," though she worries about their money situation.

A day later, Alison shows up at D&D! Billy is surprised, but she says she's just here for a couple of hours to work on the Colfax account. Billy points out that this will be an all-day affair, and he's not sure this is a good move. Amanda pops up and says that she's happy to see Alison (there's a first!); she says she couldn't catch up on all the Colfax info herself. When asked, Alison says that Jake does not know she's here, and she'd like to keep it that way. Billy privately asks, "Daah, you sure this is a good idea?" "Billy, we need the money. Go along on this, please?" Andrew Shue twists his face and says, "Hookay."

Alison comes home that afternoon to find a tense Jake, who obviously got home from Shooter's ahead of schedule. (Yep, I'm sure Jake found it tough to tear himself away from those daytime crowds at Shooter's.) He's upset that she risked the pregnancy for D&D. "Jake, I feel fine." She says she made a few extra bucks to pay the baby's medical bills for the first year. "I am more in touch with my body than some doctor who sees me every six weeks." "Well, I would hope so! I'll kick his butt otherwise!" She tries to make nice by saying she'll stay home from now on if it will make him feel better. It's obviously one of those offers where the guy is supposed to say, "No, it's okay, honey. You know best." Jake replies coldly, "Yeah, you do that, Alison. Just stay home." Surprise!

That night, Alison is watching TV when she suddenly experiences sharp pains. "Oh God," she gasps, "I'm allergic to 'Suddenly Susan'!" No, it's the pregnancy! The pains increase and she fumbles for the phone. She calls Jake at Shooter's. "Jake," she says in panic, "Something's really wrong! Why am I calling a bozo like you instead of the damn ambulance?"

Next Week: Alison faces a dreadful choice! Kyle likes to watch Amanda and Craig dance. Kinky! Kimberly goes down for the count!

--Ken Hart

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