Episode 22: Screams From a Marriage


Not only does Matt return, but he's brought the relatives! And, boy, hasn't Kimberly developed a fine grasp of Orwellian double-speak? Megan should be glad Kim considers her a "friend"! Who knows what would happen if they were enemies? And once again, the Fetal Foursome of Jake, Alison, Billy, and Samantha were mere spectators to the better plots of their colleagues!

The Matt Slot goes to ... Jake, by a nose! Alison, Sydney, and Samantha fought valiantly for the coveted position, but it's hard to beat out a guy who's not even in the episode!

Michael, Megan, Kimberly, Matt, and Josh Laughlin, Super Pimp:

Megan walks down the hotel corridor and bribes the cleaning lady into opening up Room 1313. (Is no one incorruptible on this show? I can't wait for a Mother Teresa guest appearance!) She quickly looks for the videotapes, but she is greeted by a semi-drunk Josh Laughlin (played by Damian Chapa -- no relation to Deepak Chopra). He teases her about the tapes, but she picks up a bottle and threatens to whack him upside his head if he doesn't clear out of her life. Josh happily tells her that Kimberly is the one behind it all. Megan says, "I find that tough to believe, but it has a twisted, Melrosian logic to it." Josh, being her "pal," suggests a plan that will convince Kimberly that Megan has gone back to prostitution and will eventually discredit Kim: "This makes perfect sense to me because I'm drunk!" Megan doubts Josh's good intentions. He says, "We're family!" He gives her a messy smooch. Helloooo, sister! Megan angrily says, "We do this, then we're through!"

Meanwhile, at the hospital, Matt receives a surprise visitor: Mom! "Matt," she sobs, "your brother Luke was killed in a plane crash." "A brother? Since when? Oh, I mean, are you sure? Oh God, that's terrible! Luke's dead! By the way, Mom, where was this brother when Dad died last year?" He asks about his niece Chelsea. Mom says she's fine, but "she's practically an orphan. Her father's dead and her mother Hillary...well, no one has seen her since she fled to Paris after that terrible Whitewater scandal." She says Chelsea will soon arrive for the funeral. Matt consoles Mom: "We'll take this one day at a time. This is a tragic day, but thanks for giving me a plot, Mom."

That night, Kimberly -- as has been her habit since her brain started swelling -- strikes a Gothic pose as she stares out at the ocean. Megan walks up to her and repeats Josh's claim that she's behind his release from prison. "Josh? Josh who?" Kim calmly denies any knowledge of what Megan's talking about. Megan says, "Let me tell you something about Josh. He 'rescued' me when I was young -- just ignore the fact that, if anything, I look older than him. He was my first lover, he turned me into a whore, and he forced me to sit through a Keanu Reeves film festival. The man's a monster!" Kim says matter-of-factly, "If he's such a problem, maybe you should leave town." Megan, amazed, says, "You used to be my friend." "I am your friend, despite my sicko plans against you. Let's not let this 'Josh person' -- I really don't know who he is -- get between us." Megan gives Kimberly a final, futile warning about dealing with Josh, then leaves.

The next day, Kim meets with Josh in Room 1313. (Who rented this room, anyway? I don't want to see the bill when they finally check out!) She's a bit peeved that he spilled the beans to Megan, but Josh does his Billy impression: "Daah, I didn't say nuthin'. She must have guessed!" Kim gets a brief surge of conscience and says she's pulling out of the arrangement. "Too late, babe! Nobody ever pulls out of anything in this room!" He tells her he's already made the payments that will firmly frame Megan and leave Michael wide open for Kim again. Kim agrees, but warns Josh against trying to cross her afterwards. He says, "Why would I want to take you on?" Kim shows a brief flash of Season 3 psychosis and coldly says, "Believe me, you wouldn't. I swing from Good to Bad every few months, and right now I'm on a Bad swing!"

At Burns-Mancini, Megan brings Michael lunch and casually wonders what would happen "if, oh, for the point of argument -- not that it would ever happen, of course -- other doctors found out about my past?" Michael shrugs it off, saying that the doctors wouldn't raise a big stink about it: "I doubt I'm the only doctor to be married to an ex-prostitute who was introduced to him by his ex-terminal, ex-psycho ex-wife!" Unconvinced, Megan suggests they resume their long-interrupted honeymoon and go away for a few days. "How about Paris? Matt has a subplot thread out there." He says, "No way! Business is booming ever since Peter became Chief Surgeon." He makes a counteroffer of dinner tomorrow night. Megan, remembering that she has to go through with Nick's arrangement then, fibs and says, "I'm, uh, helping Matt's mother with the food after the service. Matt's brother died, you know." "Not that excuse again!"

Matt goes to the airport to pick up his niece, Chelsea, only to find this young teen malcontent already in police custody! One of the cops says, "She got drunk on the plane. We're just lucky this was a short flight. Normally on a Spelling show, she'd have gone from drinking to snorting heroin in two hours!" Chelsea continues to give the cops attitude: "My mom's the First Lady! Screw you, pigs! Attica! Attica!" Matt tells the officer he's her uncle and he's here to take her away. "Yeah, I've heard that one before!" Matt says, "Look. Here's my license, my med student ID, and my secret list of Hollywood's closeted movie stars." "OK, pal. She's yours."

At the reception after the funeral, Matt and his mom are surrounded by nameless extras in their own home! "Who are these strangers, Matt?" "It's OK, Mom, just don't make eye contact with any of them." He tries to boost her spirits, but she's worried about Chelsea. Michael enters and says, "Hey, Matt, sorry about your brother -- you seen Megan?" Matt, caught off-guard, says, "Uh, no. She called to apologize for not being able to make it." Michael leaves, and Matt enters the kitchen, looking for Chelsea. She's making a long-distance call to Paris, which is where her mother was last seen, but she's having no luck: "Párlez vous this, pal!" When she gets off the phone, Matt offers his help, but she puts on the tough act. Matt observes that she acts just like her father: "I'm guessing, of course, since I really can't remember what this Luke guy, I mean my brother, was like." Chelsea says the last thing that she and her father did was argue and that her mom ran out on them years ago. Finally, the tough shell drops and she tearfully asks why her mother isn't here. Matt hugs her and thinks, "Hey, first Megan and now this kid. I'm getting more female contact than anybody!"

Back at the hotel, Megan is sitting in the lobby, wearing her best dress, the Calvin Klein Escort Special. Josh slithers over and points out her customer, a guy sitting at the bar named Tony. He tells Megan that Kim is watching, so all she needs to do is take Tony's money, go with him on the elevator, then leave. Kim won't know that Megan never slept with the guy. She sits down next to Tony and chats. Meanwhile, Josh tells the watching Kimberly that the real plan is about to go into action. Kimberly, again feeling a pang of conscience, jumps up from her hiding place as Megan accepts $300 from Tony. But her warning is too late! Tony is a cop, and he arrests Megan for prostitution! Snagged!

Much later that night, Michael arrives at the jail and sees Megan in a cell with prostitutes and other Dennis Rodman lookalikes. She tells him the truth about Josh and Kimberly, but it's a little late for that. Michael doubts her. She mentions what Josh planned to do with the videotapes: "I was doing this to protect you." Michael, in a dark mood, says he posted her bail and that she'll be freed -- in a couple of hours.

Matt, his mother, and Chelsea listen to the reading of his brother's will. Regarding Chelsea, he apparently set up a trust fund for her and he specifically named her guardian as ... Matt! Mom is upset! Matt's jaw drops! Mom asserts that she should be the one who raises Chelsea, but Chelsea says she doesn't know either of them. Matt stammers to the lawyer, "I ... I can't raise a kid," but the will clearly states, "Give Matt a subplot." Chelsea, unable to find the White House front door, leaves. I sense a legal battle coming!

Back at the hospital, Kimberly tells Michael she feels so terrible about the way things have soured between him and Megan. (Yeah, right.) "I feel responsible in some way." Michael thinks that's funny and repeats what Megan said about Kim's involvement. Kim denies it, but Michael thinks it may be true. "The strange thing is I don't trust either of you anymore." He leaves and Kim anxiously runs her fingers through her hair, realizing how badly she's messed things up. (C'mon, show us the scar again!)

Later, Megan leaves the police station. It's pouring rain and Michael is not there to get her. She starts walking quickly (don't they have taxis in Los Angeles?), but Josh quickly pulls up alongside her in his car. He repeatedly taunts her and tries to get her to come back to him: "I'm the only one who loves the real you." Megan rejects his clumsy advances and walks off down the alley, while Josh continues to say goofy things like "I'll be waiting right here for you, baby. This is where you live! Right here in this, uh, wet alleyway ... hmmm, I gotta work on my sales pitch."

Amanda, Peter, Kyle, Lip Lass, Craig, Billy, Alison, and Nick the Human Spittoon:

It's evening at Melrose Place, and Amanda and Craig are lying in bed after sex. She doesn't look at all pleased with herself, but he says, "That was incredible, Mistress Amanda. I never knew being stabbed with stiletto heels could be so pleasurable." Oblivious to the dark cloud hanging over Amanda's head, Craig leaves the bedroom to get some champagne that he's been saving for just this occasion. (What a loser! Kill him!) He returns to find her dressing. She walks past him, telling him this was a big mistake that won't happen again and warning him not to mention this to anyone. He follows her outside, still holding the champagne bottle and glasses. He continues to fawn all over her, finally prompting Amanda to say, "Will you shut up?" A surprised Billy and Samantha enter the courtyard and Amanda says, "And that goes for YOU too!" She goes into her apartment, while Craig preens on the stairway. Sam is amazed by this apparent coupling, but Billy says, "Daah, nah, even Amanda wouldn't sink that low!"

Inside her apartment, Amanda stares at her autographed photo of Peter: "Thank you for loving my hair. --Jack Wagner." She smashes it and grinds it under her foot! Ouchie!

Taylor goes to The Bizarre Dr. Peter Burns' pad and shows off her new bruise, courtesy of Amanda's right cross. "Your wife obviously knows about us." Peter casually says, "Well, no duh. I saw her watching us yesterday." Lip Lass is stunned. "What? You saw her watching us and you didn't tell me." "I didn't see much point," he replies calmly. Realization whacks Lip Lass with all the impact of a Macy's One-Day Sale! "Oh, this isn't about you and me. It's all about you and HER!" Peter is unapologetic: "You've been after me since the season premiere, like some desperate schoolgirl who wants to be whisked away to a beautiful castle. Yes, I'm mixing metaphors, but don't interrupt." Lippie says she hates what she's doing to Kyle, but she can't deny what she feels for Peter. "Just don't hate me," she says. "Don't worry," replies The Bizarre One. "That's an emotion I generally reserve for myself. My, I'm feeling pretentious this morning!"

Meanwhile, in the restaurant, Kyle chats with one of his many cooks, who mentions Amanda's TKO of Taylor the previous day: "I lost money, you know. I thought your wife would last at least three rounds against Amanda." Kyle says, "I didn't know about this. If I did, I would have placed a bet!" He starts to wonder about Taylor's rigorous early-morning workouts at the gym, then he says, "Hey, what the hell are all you cooks doing here? We don't serve breakfast!" "Sacre bleu! You're right!"

At Dumb & Dumber, Billy enters Amanda's office and asks if everything is OK. She tells him not to be concerned: "Craig is a child." "Nah, Craig is a reptile! Daah, I called him a pig a few weeks ago. Maybe I'll make him a fish next week! Gaah!" He worries that Craig will take advantage of her, but she says, "No, actually I've taken advantage of him. Now he thinks he's in love with me." Billy pauses, still grinning: "Ah, just like ya did with me last season!" "Well," Amanda says, "I knew you'd bounce back. Nothing ever sticks in your brain for too long." "Dat's fer sure!"

Later, Taylor enters the empty restaurant. (So why were those chefs working?) Kyle asks, "So, how was the gym this morning?" "Fine." "Oh, really? You told me you got that bruise from overdoing it on the Lip Press machine! I just checked -- you don't belong to that gym! They never heard of you. Amanda gave you that bruise, and she must have had a reason." Taylor, caught, pathetically lies. "Oh, you must have gone to the wrong gym. I didn't tell you about Amanda because you'd get upset. But I really did get this bruise at the gym! Isn't it funny how she punched me in the exact same spot? Ha Ha! Really. It's true. Honest Abe." Kyle tells her to shut up. He stalks back into the now-empty kitchen (I think the chefs are wood sprites who come and go as they please!) and whacks some innocent pots in anger.

Now here's something we haven't seen in a while: a D&D strategy meeting! Amanda, Alison, and Billy listen to Craig practice their pitch for a new perfume campaign. After a couple of seconds, though, Amanda says, "Silence, slave! Alison, you take over." Craig is reluctant to yield the floor and he starts to lace his comments with lovestruck innuendo: "I think my romantic side is coming through. Hubba hubba!" Billy gags! When Amanda maintains her cool exterior, Craig says, "Why don't you let your true feelings come through?" Amanda gives him an icy look, then says "You can handle this meeting yourself," and she leaves. Billy tells Craig to buy a clue.

Kyle goes to the Human Spittoon's new pad that night. He wants to know what Nick knows about Taylor and Peter. Spitty is angry that his "buddy" Kyle kicked him out of his life. He plays the tape recording of Taylor's phone sex with Peter: "Oh, Peter, you make my lips ache!" "I've got just the medication for that, my dear!" Kyle throws the mini-cassette and smashes it against the wall! Nick shrugs, "I least I kept the warranty." As Kyle walks past the smiling Nick, he spins and punches Spitty! "What was that for?!" "For not telling me as soon as you knew and for enjoying this too much!"

In the morning, Taylor enters the restaurant to find Kyle sitting alone. He spent the night here. Kyle says he got the truth about her from Nick, and he tells her about the tape: "It sounded like one of those 900 numbers ... not that I ever listen to those things myself." Lip Lass realizes the jig is up. Defiantly, she tosses Kyle's earlier infidelity back at him, but he says that was an accident and he never lied about it. Taylor's affair has been planned all the way: "You and Peter must have had a good laugh about me." "We never laughed, Baby..." "If you call me 'Baby' again, I'll rip your lips off!" He shoves her out of the restaurant!

Taylor interrupts Peter at the hospital and tells him what happened. She's fearful of Kyle's temper. He says, "Settle down. I'm an established character. Kyle can't hurt me. We'll deal with it -- we'll deal with it together." "You mean that? You'll be there for me?" Peter thinks about it, figures he's already in deep, and says, "Yeah, I'll be there for you."

As she leaves the hospital, Nick intercepts her and wants revenge! "Give me $5,000 or I'll pound The Bizarre One into dog chow!"

She returns home ... well, it used to be home! She sees Kyle packing stuff into boxes, but it's not his stuff, it's hers! She tells him about Nick's extortion, and she went to the bank to get the money from their account, but she found that Kyle has already taken everything out! "Without that money, Nick will turn Peter into Alpo!" Does Kyle really care? Ummm, no. He casually smashes old wedding gifts in front of her. Taylor pleads for Peter's safety: "Kyle, I'm begging you..." "Good. I'll remember you that way, Taylor." Ooooh! Lippie leaves.

Shortly, Peter is exiting the hospital when Nick walks over to "chat." Peter tries to ignore him. As they get to the parking lot, Spitty puts on gold-plated brass knuckles (what, you think they use ordinary brass knuckles on this show?) and whacks him! Nick gets a few shots in before Taylor rushes over and jumps on him. Spitty easily dislodges her and goes back to Peter. Then Kyle shows up! Nick says, "Geez, can't I beat the crap out of somebody in peace?" When Kyle tries to stop him, Spitty takes a wild swing and Kyle decks him! Taylor yells that she called for the police on the way over, and Kyle tells Nick to take off before they show up. Kyle then goes over to the extremely bruised Burns, looks him over, and says, "You'll live." Peter moans, "No thanks to you and your psycho friend." Kyle gives him another kick for good measure! He leaves as Taylor tends to Peter.

At a bus station the next day, Kyle gives Spitty a bus ticket, some money, and the promise of a future guest spot on "90210." They make their peace with each other, but Kyle politely tells him to go far, far away and not to come back.

That night, Sydney (yes, Syd does appear!) sees Kyle moving some boxes out of the apartment. "You moving out?" "No," he says. "Taylor is." He cites "irreconcilable differences" and wants to leave it at that. Sydney wants to chat further, but Taylor walks up and wants to speak to Kyle privately. Syd leaves, yet Kyle makes it quite clear that Talk Time is long past. Taylor tries to explain what happened: "There was a pressure inside me, leading me to a secret world..." "You are one wigged-out chick, Lippie! You get your sorry 'secret world' ass out of here!" He slams the door on her. She gets off a final "Go to hell!" before picking up the boxes and walking down the stairs.

On the way out, she passes Amanda, who happily asks if she's been kicked out. Taylor snidely says, "I'm moving in with Peter. Hmmph." Amanda replies simply, "Hey, you won. Of course, you had to break up two marriages on the way, but who's counting?" Ah, that scored a point! Lippie assesses her Pyrrhic victory and leaves. Amanda goes to her place and calls the divorce lawyer that Craig introduced a few weeks back. Amanda gets her voice mail: "You have reached the office of Jamie Chun. We nail your spouse to the wall!" Amanda says she wants to file for divorce!

Next Week: Taylor tells Kyle she was Peter's sister-in-law! Amanda, Peter, Taylor, and Craig confront each other at Peter's pad! Place your bets!

--Ken Hart

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