Episode 20: Men Are From Melrose


Boy, this show is getting more like a soap opera every week. That's a good thing in this case! And could someone please help Peter figure out what he wants to do? The poor Bizarre One drifts in different directions every week!

The Matt Slot belongs to ... Matt! Megan's hug last week was obviously too much for him, as he completely avoided this episode!

Jake, Alison, Billy, and Samantha:

In Smallville, Jake says goodbye to Lana Lang, mother of his Kryptonian child. She again offers him a chance to talk about his problems, so he tells her about Alison's pregnancy and how he fears that -- just like before -- he'll lose contact with the kid. Lana frankly says that even though he's a nice guy, he's "rigid," always trying to fix problems by assuming total control, "like George Steinbrenner. It's your way or the highway." "Sounds more like Patrick Swayze in 'Roadhouse.'" "Well, yeah, that too." They tenderly part, and the boy David walks over and tells Jake that he knows who he is, but that he's no longer mad at Jake for leaving him: "Sure, I realize that the man who's been my father isn't really my dad, that I'm the son of a bar-owning drifter, and that half of my next two decades will be spent on a psychiatrist's couch, but I am NOT mad." "Well, I'm glad to hear that." "Hey, Jake, before you go, do you know where I can get my hands on a high-powered rifle?"

Jake returns to Melrose Place and sees Samantha in The Melrosian Pool From Hell. "Hey, Samantha, thanks for the gratuitous bathing-suit shot!" Sam says, "No problem, but I'd better get out before I'm assimilated." She tells Jake that Alison missed him: "Amanda has her reciting 'I hate Jake. Boo. Jake. Boo' a hundred times each day, but I can tell she still cares about you." Jake isn't sure how to approach Alison, so Sam suggests meeting Alison and her as they leave the obstetrician's office the next day.

Well, he does! Alison seems a little annoyed at Sam for arranging this ambush, but she talks to Jake, who says, "I was wrong. Totally wrong. You wouldn't believe how wrong I was. Boy, was I wrong! You know, when it comes to wrong..." "All right, Jake, I get the message!" He asks for a second chance with her, but she hesitates, saying she needs to see where her life is going: "Married, widowed, working at D&D, ruling D&D, waitressing, pregnant, back at D&D...damn, my life looks like an Escher painting!"

The next day, at the home of the Stupids, Billy chastises Sam for getting involved with Jake and Alison again. "Daah, ya shouldn't be ambushin' Awison like that. Jake just isn't good fer her right now." "Oh, doy, but like you are, right?" She says she saw how he and Alison embraced in the office. "Gaah, yer jealous? I don't need ta hear this! There's an L.A. traffic jam with my name on it!" He leaves.

That night, though, Billy returns with bribes of wine, flowers, chocolates, and some rocks. He tells Sam, "I talked ta Alison and I realized once again what a jerk I am! Gaaah!" "Doy, Billy!" Just then, Jake's psycho kid jumps in with a high-powered rifle and ... naah, wishful thinking on my part. Billy and Sam get cute on the couch, and the Intellectual Fabric of the Continuum is threatened, as is my dinner. Oy!

Jake and Alison go for a walk to clear the air. He tells her about his trip, and she says their problems go beyond Jake's "rigidity." She says, "We have different dreams." He wants the perfect house, with the perfect family. Her dreams? "Well, they're so far out there that I can't see them anymore." Oh, that's great, Alison! Thanks for doing your part for reconciliation! Sheesh! It's no surprise when she expresses doubt that they can work things out.

Back at Amanda's apartment, she and Alison discuss the Jake situation. Amanda is annoyed that Alison is even talking to Jake: "He's a selfish moron like most men, including my slave! I hope you're not turning back into the weak-willed ninny you were before you moved in here! Damn, now I'm late for the Melissa Etheridge concert!" Alison Gapes at Amanda's venom! She follows her out the door, saying "I think your feelings are somewhat, oh, Bizarrely misdirected. I am NOT turning into you, thank God!" Zing! Amanda curtly agrees to leave the situation alone, then leaves. Sam had overheard most of this, and Alison says Billy told her that she was unintentionally the cause of some problems. Sam happily tells her, "Billy says I'm the love of his life. Should I believe him? Ya know, sometimes you take a chance or you live life alone. Oh, doy, sorry, Alison." "That's OK, Sam. I knew there wasn't a conscious thought in your head when you said that."

When night falls, Alison goes to Jake's. She tells him that his recent actions caused damage. "Well, yeah, I wrecked a couple of desks..." "Emotional damage, you idiot!" Bad Dialogue Alert! Bad Dialogue Alert! Prepare yourselves. Alison says, "I have a dream about taking chances in my life, about jumping into the unknown..." Jake: "I love that dream." "And I love you, and I want to take that chance, if you still want me!" "More than ever." Love, so exciting and gooey...! OK, who wants to start taking bets on Alison, Jake, and Demon Child leaving the show at the end of the season?

Megan, Michael, and Kimberly:

At the beach house, Megan visits Kimberly to express her rage. "Kimberly, I'm full of rage!" She lays down the law: "You cannot sleep with Michael. I will not be the other woman anymore. Hey, your temple looks less huge today." The newly healthy Kim tries to tell her that things are "different" now, but Megan says, "You bet they are! Michael and I are married." Kim sags at the news. She insists she needs Michael's love therapy, but Megan says, "I won't be brushed aside!" Michael pops up. Hearing that Megan blabbed, he takes her outside and chastises her for upsetting the "frail" Kimberly. Megan says, "I don't think she'll ever die. We thought for sure that she'd drop during the February sweeps, but forget it! She's immortal. Let's chop off her head and see what happens!"

Later, Megan walks into the hospital and grabs a conveniently placed doctor's outfit, complete with stethoscope, pager, and eyeliner. She walks past several doctors, none of whom pauses to chat with the stunningly attractive new doctor on the premises (yeah, right!), and she enters the MRI lab. She tells the nurse that Dr. Ganglia is demanding to see the results of Kim's latest tests. The nurse looks at Megan's nametag and says, "Well, 'Dr. Habib,' fine! Here they are! And if you viewers out there like me, please write to Spelling Productions, care of..." "Get lost, you extra!" Megan leaves with the envelope, but is immediately spotted by a wandering Michael, who pulls her back into the lab and demands to know what she's doing. She hands him the MRIs and tells him to check. He looks at them and says, "Oh my God, she's in remission. Wow, I'm good! I should bottle me!"

At Burns-Mancini, Kim and Michael sit down for a quiet chat, making this one of the few times in the office's history that any male-female mingling has been vertical! Kim is about to tell him about her remission, but he calmly says he's seen the MRIs: "You don't need a live-in doctor anymore." Kim insists she does! She frowns at the twist of fate, since she's the one who brought Michael and Megan together. He says, "I know how everything started, but that's all changed now. Megan's in the opening credits -- I can't dump her!" Kim, distraught, insists Michael's love is responsible for her recovery, but he won't budge: He's sticking with Megan.

Before you can say "Plot Twist," Megan hears a knock on the door. Thinking it's Michael (why does she think Michael would knock?), she answers it ... and is greeted by a new character: Josh Laughlin, super pimp! He's angry that one of the stars of his "stable" has abandoned him, and he seems doubly angry when he hears she got married. Megan is frightened. He says, "I'm back in your life, Megan. Now go get me a beer! Any nachos back there? Hey, what's on cable tonight?"

Peter, Amanda, Lip Lass, Kyle, and the Human Spittoon:

Taylor goes to the apartment of The Bizarre Dr. Peter Burns to apologize for the coitus interruptus last night. However, he says, "I think it's starting to get out of hand." Oh, it's just starting to, Peter? Wake up and smell the latte! He says this is just a "bad reaction to our screwed-up lives. The only other possibility is that we're stuck in a soap opera, and that's too terrifying to think about!" Lip Lass says he's wrong, "and I can prove it." She pulls a feebly protesting Bizarre One down to the rug with her, and as they begin their special style of carpet cleaning, Nick the Human Spittoon spies on them from the door!

Later that morning, Lip Lass arrives at the restaurant, and Nick teases her about her lateness. Kyle walks over and says, "Grrr, I didn't get the chance to tell you how great you were last night. That thing you do with your lips ... woof!" When Taylor goes into the back, Nick offers to give his "report" of her actions while Kyle was away, but Kyle cuts him off: "Hey, Spitty, I was joking! I trust Lippie."

At Dumb & Dumber, Amanda tells Craig, "Give me my office back, slave! If you're especially good, I'll even leave some newspapers in the corner for you to sit on." Craig agrees to take another office, if only because he "cares" about her so much, and he envisions a time when they'll be together. Amanda shrugs: "Don't hold your breath, weenie. Now drop and give me twenty!" "Yes, mistress."

Lip Lass calls Peter from her car, telling him that as she was driving by his place, she saw the Human Spittoon parked outside, waiting. Peter says he'll handle it. He goes outside and walks right up to Nick. "Hey, Spitty, what are you doing out here? Come on in! There's another Shannon Tweed festival on Cinemax!" Nick says he prefers to stay outside, and Peter tells him he doesn't like being spied upon. Nick replies that he knows what's going on with Lip Lass and warns Peter that if he ends up hurting his buddy Kyle, he'll regret it. The Bizarre One smirks at the threat.

Peter's day doesn't improve when Amanda drops by the office: "I just want to know what's going on between us." Instead of actually trying to clear the air, they quickly hurl accusations toward each other about Lip Lass and Craig. Amanda leaves: "Have a nice life." Peter then calls Taylor at the restaurant. "Lippie, we need to talk. Meet me tonight on the 5th tee at the Lustful Pines Country Club. No one will see us, unless they use a night-vision lens or are helped by a bad scriptwriter." The Human Spittoon was listening in on the extension at the restaurant!

As luck would have it, Nick doesn't have a night-vision lens, but he is helped by a bad scriptwriter! At the golf course, Peter again tries to end things with Taylor: "We need to keep our distance." "Well, OK, but you should keep in mind what you're giving up." She whacks him with her lips several times, murmuring about destiny and saying, "I love you. I adore every Bizarre thing about you!" Peter again weakens before the collagen onslaught! Groping each other, they fall onto the spectacularly lit grass, as Nick starts taking photos from behind a tree!

The next day, Taylor is walking out of Melrose Place when she's stopped by Spitty, who shows her the photos of her and Peter "doing a little pitch and putt." She thinks he wants money, but he says, "No, you slut! I just want you to be Kyle's wife. And keep away from The Bizarre One or I'll rip his arms out and beat him with the wet ends!"

Likewise, the Human Spittoon intercepts the cool and collected Peter on the street. He tells him that Taylor is going to be the "good little wife" from now on, so "put an end to it, before I put an end to you." Where does Nick get his dialogue? The Dr. Doom School of Fine Acting and Retribution?

Sydney and the Geek Lord:

As Kyle's restaurant is closing for the night, Carter expresses his delight at washing dishes. (Boy, the writers are really pushing the "I Love the Simple Things of the Common Man" bit, aren't they? OK, we understand! Yeesh!) Syd comments, "You're really getting into the whole proletariat thing, huh?" Kyle, impressed by Carter's wiping skills, offers him a job as a ... lettuce washer! Oh, boy! Carter heads back into the kitchen, and Syd asks Kyle how things are going. Carter sees them talking very cozily as Kyle mentions that things are improving with him and Lip Lass. (Hah! If only he knew!) Syd says she's glad. Syd and Carter leave, but are stopped by a knife-wielding extra in the parking lot! Syd says, "Hey, weren't you a staffer at D&D two episodes ago?" "NO! Never! I've never been on this show before! Now give me your money!" Carter actually tries to stand up to the guy, but the thug sticks the knife against his throat. Kyle shows up and punches out the mugger, who flees. Syd hugs him in relief, while a gasping Carter stares and regrets his lost manhood.

The next day at Melrose Place, Carter tells Syd that perhaps his flirtation with Middle Class is over. "Maybe it's time to stop this pretense." Syd says it doesn't matter to her which life he chooses. "OK then, what if I told you that I wanted to be a Tibetan monk?" "Hmmm, that would bother me, but it would be a cool episode." He suggests they go away to Mexico in his private jet. She happily agrees. He says, "The real world, well, sucks and I'd rather be a filthy rich computer genius."

Carter later visits Sydney's shop, where Babbling Samantha tells him how much she likes the idea of him and Sydney going to Mexico. "Yeah, we're looking forward to it, Samantha. However, I'm surprised you're so happy. After all, with Syd gone for who knows how long, you'll have to work at this store more than ever." "Oh, doy! You're so right! I hadn't thought about that!" He walks toward the back, where Syd is chatting with a prospective client: "Yes, ma'am, I know you were looking for more of the cobalt-blue nose wraps that my sister Jane designed, but we no longer carry those." As Carter listens unnoticed, Syd yaks about the "two men" she's interested in. Oh, Carter gets emotionally kneed in the groin again! Syd tells the woman that the "married guy really does it for me. The single guy is rich, but I don't get that special feeling." Carter crawls away before he's seen.

Sydney, sporting a very cute leopard-print hat, shows up as Carter's private jet is preparing to take off. She's enthusiastic about the trip, but Carter says coldly, "I'm not sure I should be going anywhere with you." He tells a shocked Syd, "Go back and get what you really want. Because you don't really want me." Syd protests, but he tells her that he's going back to San Francisco to retake his company. The jet flies off, leaving a tearful Syd behind. Goodbye, Geek Lord! But poor Syd. It looks like she'll have to go back to blackmail and seduction. Sounds good to me!

Next Week: Kimberly and the pimp are in cohoots! Craig shows Amanda the Bizarre truth!

--Ken Hart

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