Episode 9: Farewell Mike's Concubine


Change is in the air at Melrose Place, with doors now clearly marked "Exit" for a couple of characters.

The Matt Slot goes to ... hmmm, a toughie this week since everybody got a little something to do. Let's give a honorary, one-time-only award to The Pool Boy, for his constant work and ever-changing faces! He even wore a sombrero! Among the regulars, Jake and Syd got the least screen time.

Jane, Sydney, Samantha, and Craig:

Samantha opens her door to see a bouquet of flowers outside, along with a note: "Samantha: Had a great time the other night [hot sex]. Hope to see you again [with no clothes on]. Let's go out for some sushi and arena football [followed by hot sex]. Subliminally yours, Craig." She is delighted. Jane is stepping out to work, and Sam suggests, "Why don't you take a few days off to recover from your twisted, psychotic episode?" Jane says, "No, I want to keep busy. I'll be off the show soon and I need as much work as possible for my resume. Look what happened to Daphne Zuniga!" She walks by a sickeningly sweet Jake and Alison. Alison is uneasy, and Jake walks out of the courtyard with Jane, asking how she's doing. Jane says she's OK, but "I'm thinking of moving to some place a little quieter, like Rwanda."

Later at Shooter's (The Only Bar in Town), Samantha is playing pool with Billy. "Daah, I do this ta relieve stress!" The kind Sam offers to listen if Billy wants to talk about anything that's bothering him, but -- thankfully for the audience -- he passes, sarcastically commenting that she won't want to hear anything bad about Craig. Sam thinks Craig is nice, but Billy says, "Underneath that great tan lies the heart of a snake. Hiss! Gaah!"

Sydney drags a morose Jane out to dinner at Kyle's, under the pretense "We never do any sisterly bonding -- at least not since we teamed up to bury Fashion Boy." It's busy at the restaurant, and Syd introduces Jane to Cook Boy, who adroitly says, "Oh, you're the Jane who went nutzoid and stalked her ex-boyfriend!" Whoops! Syd looks embarrassed, but she notes the continued absence of Lip Lass. She makes goo-goo eyes at Kyle, who returns to the kitchens. Jane says, "Syd, are you a glutton for punishment? He's a married man!" Jane goes home. See Jane leave. Leave, Jane, leave.

Craig and Sam return to Melrose Place after another successful date. He keeps talking about work stuff, saying he wished he had taken a course in "Backstabbing 101" to prepare him for life at D&D. Sam says, "'Acting 101' would have been a good idea, too!" She tells him not to worry about Billy -- he's not out to get him. Craig shrugs, "He's an OK guy, I guess." She invites him in for coffee. He accepts -- and quickly chooses another way to percolate! They kiss passionately for several seconds, but when Craig starts to undress her, she says, "Uh, no. This is going too fast. Where do you think we are, Savannah?" She turns on the lights and prepares to make coffee, but Craig smiles and excuses himself. Sam thinks, "Hey, maybe he IS a snake!"

Jane wanders the streets after leaving Syd at the restaurant. She walks over to a payphone. She calls her agent. No answer. She calls Regis and Kathie Lee. They tell her to get lost. She phones home: "Mom, I'm thinking of coming home for a few days. Different writers, different producers ... I'm just not sure who I am anymore!"

Matt and Dan:

They return to Melrose Place after a successful date. (Hey, they should double-date with Sam and Craig!) Matt, the impetuous fool, ask Dan if he wants to come in and spend the night. Dan says, "Matt, I'm a one-man man ... well, if you don't count the monkey, that is." He politely assures Matt that this isn't a race and he doesn't need to rush things. "See you tomorrow." "I'd kiss you goodnight, Dan, but that's forbidden on Fox television." "Really, Matt? But doesn't Fox also show 'Millennium,' which routinely features severed body parts, people buried alive with sewn-up eyes and mouths, and other gruesome things?" "Well, yes, but two guys kissing obviously goes too far!" They hug!

A couple of days later, Matt and Dan see each other at the hospital and chat. Matt anxiously wants to know when they'll have a second date. The AMC cable channel is repeating the letterboxed version of "Spartacus" and he needs to plan his schedule. Dan says, "The past couple of days have been a blur." "Well, you've got a piece of gauze stuck to your eyes." "Oh, geez, no wonder!" Dan adds, "All I can think of is you. I just don't want you to get hurt." Matt tells him not to worry -- he's taken enough emotional damage on this series for a lifetime!

Peter, Amanda, Billy, Alison, Jake, Lip Lass, Cook Boy, and more Craig:

Amanda, wearing her cool red Power Suit, returns from Portland and is quickly intercepted by Billy, who tells her that Evil CEO Arthur Fields held two secret meetings with D&D's Board of Directors while she was gone. She asks, "Did you hear anything?" "Gaah, 'Manda, come on. You know the Board of Directors never utters a word!" He does say, though, that Arthur is planning changes, which is bad news for Amanda. He also tells her that Craig has gone to talk to Midline, one of D&D's big clients. Amanda is shocked! She's convinced he'll blow it, and Billy suggests that she let him. Amanda says, "It's a $2 million account! Don't be an idiot!" "Well, daaah. I'll try...."

At Midline, Craig is walking out of a less-than-perfect meeting. The boss guy says, "D&D is not the same agency it was 6 months ago." "No, sir. It changes leaders every half-dozen episodes!" The boss tells Craig to show himself out. Craig then bumps into Amanda, who cuts right through his smokescreen and says, "You blew it, didn't you?" Craig yields, saying his father will never let him live this failure down. Amanda says she'll save his bacon if he provides her with the transcripts of his dad's secret meetings. "And you must satisfy my every whim, slave. Paint my toenails!"

Back at Melrose Place, Amanda and Sydney look at their respective mailboxes. (Amanda's mail: bills, Business Week, and Cosmopolitan. Sydney's mail: bills, Entertainment Weekly, and the International Male catalog.) Syd looks at Amanda's hand and says, "Where's the rock?" Syd innocently tells Amanda that she saw Peter showing the engagement ring off to Taylor and she assumes they went shopping for it together: "Come to think, they were rather chummy..." Amanda is not pleased!

She and The Bizarre Dr. Peter Burns hash it out in their apartment. When Peter says Lip Lass bumped into him at the mall by chance, Amanda says, "Nothing Taylor ever does is by chance. And you bought my engagement ring at a mall?!? Ewwww! You bastard!" She warns him that he'd better not be hiding any secrets from her. He says, "Secrets? From you? On a soap opera? Never." Amanda is unconvinced and goes to bed.

The next day, Amanda shows up at Alison's door with a bag of bagels. "Peace offering." "Bagels? From Los Angeles? Are you trying to poison me? Oy!" She tells Alison that Midline is planning to pull their account; frankly, they've never been happy since Alison left D&D. "Really?" says Alison delightedly. Amanda asks her to come back to D&D, but -- to Amanda's amazement -- Alison says she's happy at Shooter's: "There's something about the smell of stale beer and sweat that I just love!" Amanda suggests a "short-term consultancy": Alison would return for just a few days to help them with their next pitch to Midline. In return, Alison will get $5,000. Alison says she'll think about it, but the money is awfully appealing.

At Shooter's, she asks Jake if she can take a few days off. She tells him about Amanda's offer. Jake says, "I thought you were through with the rat race," but Alison tells him the money is too good to pass up, especially since she lost most of her stuff in the fire. Jake seems a little hurt: "Well, I would've given you money to buy new T-shirts and jeans..." "Oh, Jake, you're such a delightful fool! No wonder I love you so!" He agrees. "Now I have to hire a temp waitress! I wonder if Shelly is out of prison yet..." "No, Jake, she's busy kicking butt on 'Xena'!"

At Dumb & Dumber, Kyle makes an unexpected visit and tells Amanda he'd like to see how the ad campaign for his restaurant is coming along -- but he also tells her to lay off Lip Lass. Amanda snaps back, "Keep your woman on a short leash or I'll run her over." Cook Boy tries to intimidate her, but Amanda is bulletproof: "Go to hell -- and give my regards to your wife when you get there!"

That night, Lip Lass secretly meets with Peter at his request. He tells her that "Amanda's got this crazy idea about us. She thinks we're having a subplot." When Taylor says Peter's dark mood suggests there's more to it than that, he admits that it's not just Amanda. His practice, singing career, and golf game have all taken a beating. Still, "I think it might have been a mistake not to tell Amanda about you." Lip Lass pleads with him to stay silent, saying it would ruin her marriage with the "jealous" Kyle. He agrees to maintain radio silence. She smiles. Evil!

Back at the McBrides' pad, a ragged Cook Boy is fed up. He tells Taylor, "I've seen you flirting with Peter. That thing you do with your lips!!" "What, you mean pucker them slightly, then suck all the air out of the room?" "Yeah, that thing!" She denies flirting with The Bizarre One, saying, "I'm attracted to a lot of men, but I'm married to you." Stunned by her logic, Kyle backs down and apologizes. What a weenie!

At D&D the next day, a blue-suited Alison returns and is actually greeted by a couple of speaking employees! Oooh, they blew the budget on this episode! Billy introduces her to Craig. Alison says, "Oh, you're nothing like I thought you'd be. I thought you looked like David Hasselhoff." As Craig escorts her to the meeting, Billy smirks and stares. (Subtitle: Billy is irked by Craig's suave charm, yet cannot bring himself to completely despise him.)

That night at Shooter's, Alison tells Jake that everything went well, "but it's still a scummy business." She says Amanda offered her a permanent position with a big raise, but she's prepared to say no. Jake shuffles and says, "Well, if you wanted something more important to do, you could, ah, become a partner in Shooter's." Alison smiles. "No, that's not necessary -- I like doing what I'm doing! By the way, can I have a $30,000 raise?"

Back at the Bizarre Pad, Peter sits Amanda down and says it's time to clear the air. He tells her how he originally envisioned their relationship as being something out of "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous," complete with Robin Leach in the guest room. "I always thought 'ordinary' just wouldn't cut it with Amanda Woodward." But lately he's been relying on her for support, "and I haven't been dealing with this well. That's why I've been acting like a jerk. And I'm sorry. Okay, your turn." Amanda says, "Without my script approval, you've become a big presence in my life ... Then you were taken away from me, and you've never really been back." She admits she's been punishing him, and she apologizes. Peter then presents her with a ring. Amanda is about to protest, but ... it's a mood ring! "Only cost me ten bucks," says The Bizarre One. Amanda puts it on: "It's still red." "Well, red means you're crazy about me." Let the sex commence! Who needs marriage counselors? Just get a mood ring -- it's cheaper!

At the Fields Den of Evil, Craig sneaks into his dad's study and looks for the notes on the secret meeting. He opens the desk drawers: "Let's see ... the Kennedy assassination, the face on Mars ... hey, what's this?" It's his mother's will, which gave Craig controlling interest in D&D on his 21st birthday! As Arthur walks in, Craig angrily demands to know why he was denied his inheritance. Arthur simply says that Craig couldn't have handled the company. Craig tells him, "This time, I'm taking what I want!" Arthur orders Craig to go to his room (!), but Craig replies, "I have controlling interest in D&D! You go to your room! Nyeah!"

Michael, Kimberly, Megan, and more Peter:

Picking up right from last week, Kimberly tells Megan, "I won't be needing your services anymore." Yes indeed, apparently Kim did hire Megan to provide Michael with sex during her recovery. I'm sure our spouses and significant others would be just as understanding as Kimberly if we were ever in a similar situation -- yeah, in a pig's eye!!

Anyhow, Megan says Michael tracked him down to her home; this wasn't her idea. Kim orders her, "Cut him loose." "Michael won't go away that easily, Kimberly. I took him places he's never been." "You don't mean...?" "Yes. Position 79." "You bitch!"

The next day, at the offices of Burns-Mancini, Michael has just finished chatting with Dr. Schulman. He tells Kimberly he's convinced that he has the inside track on the new Chief of Staff position at the hospital. He rushes into Peter's office to use the phone -- but Kimberly listens in from her desk. He calls Megan and tells her he plans to come by. "Not today, Michael. Not ever." Michael's spirits refuse to deflate! Megan insists this is "not negotiable," but he says, "I'll see you tonight at 7." Kim is distraught!

Michael arrives at Megan's and simply walks in, despite her protests. He insists they can have a great relationship, but Megan waves her Black Book: "I have slept with every man in this book. I even have it subdivided: actors, politicians, game show hosts..." "You don't need this," Michael says. "I'll take care of you." Megan tells him to go: "I've got a John coming." He gets angry and leaves, seconds before Alex Trebek arrives.

At the hospital, Michael sees Peter and tells him that the Chief of Staff position is "in the bag." He even gives Peter a letter to sign, testifying to Michael's greatness! Peter is dumbfounded! He tells Michael that all his energies should be devoted toward saving their failing practice, but Michael thinks this can only help the practice. Peter reads the letter: "During my recent incarceration on charges of murder, Dr. Mancini single-handedly kept our practice running..." Peter gives him a comical scowl of disgust. Michael, oblivious, asks Peter to sign it and drop it off with Dr. Schulman.

Kimberly and a tired Michael sit overlooking the beach, and Kim says she wants to make up for the past 30 days. When she emerges from the bedroom a few minutes later wearing a black lace nightgown, she finds Michael asleep on the couch! She whispers, "I just want you to love me the way you did last season, before I went schizoid." She starts to kiss him, and the groggy Michael responds: "Ohhh, Megan..." Ouch!

Back at the hospital, Kim spots Matt and asks if he knows where Michael is. Matt says no, and Kim looks nervous and frail. "I brought him dinner and it's getting cold." As Matt stares at the bag of food, he sees Kimberly's hand shake. As she walks away, Matt asks her if she's OK, but Kim smiles: "My subplot is fine, Matt. How's yours?" "Oh...uh, doing well." "Good, good." She gets in the elevator just as the hand shakes uncontrollably. "No...I thought I had more time to perfect my Katherine Hepburn impersonation."

Megan returns home to find Michael on the phone -- with her Black Book! He's calling all her customers and telling them that she's retired! "Yeah, that's right, Wink Martindale, she's finished with you!" Megan is furious, but Michael tells her that he merely wants to take care of her. "Well," she counters, "what about my sister and my mother?" "I'll take care of them, too!" "And my goldfish and my second cousins?" "Hey, let's not get carried away here!" Megan is amazed: "Nobody has ever done this for me before." Michael, at his romantic and obsessive best, says, "I want you to be my ... mistress! I can't give you all of me. Kimberly's been through a lot." A happy Megan agrees!

Peter sees Dr. Schulman at the hospital and asks her about Michael's chances for the Chief of Staff position. She says, "Well, we all know Dr. Mancini's penchant for self-exaggeration." Michael does NOT have the job in the bag. She says, "We're looking for a strong, bizarre person," and Peter replies, "That's me. I want it! I had it before, back when I was Evil and had more gel in my hair. But I hope you won't count my recent improper incarceration against me." "On the contrary," Schulman says, "I always believed in your innocence." She'll consider him for the job. Heh heh heh! Peter crumples Michael's letter!

Michael drops Megan off after a fun night out. As Megan goes to open her door, Kimberly steps out from the bushes: "How was your evening out?" Megan apologizes but admits she has feelings for Michael now. "It's OK," says Kim. "You can have him." "Hah? What? You can't just give your husband away. Do you want a receipt?" Kimberly tells her, "I have only a few months to live and I want you to be there when I'm gone. I'm taking my impending death quite well, don't you think?"

Next Week: Craig claims Ultimate Power at D&D! Kyle accuses Taylor of Bizarre behavior! Kyle and Sydney indulge in hair-fondling!

--Ken Hart

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