Episode 6: Jane's Addiction


They actually seem to have a decent D&D story for the first time since the intro of The Bizarre One many moons ago. It's fun to see Amanda tear out the throat of someone other than Alison or Billy! There was something weird going on with birds this episode: The credits were covered in seagulls, and Billy and Samantha's picnic was interrupted by pigeons. Note to producers: When the pigeons upstage the actors, something's wrong.

The Matt Slot again goes to...Kimberly. Sadly, the writers once again apparently don't know what to do with Kim if she's not a psycho. I fear we'll soon see Kim reaching for the "How to Boil My Enemies Alive" cookbook. C'mon, guys, Marcia Cross is the best actor on the show! Do something!

Peter, Amanda, Billy, Samantha, Sydney, Craig, Cook Boy, and Lip Lass:

At the offices of Dumb & Dumber, Craig fetches cappuccino for Amanda. "Bah, I don't like cinnamon!" she says. "And my shoes aren't shiny -- lick them, slave!" Craig leaves to buy a spiked collar, and his dad Arthur walks in. He tells Amanda to let Craig sit in on some pitch meetings: "I want him to learn from the master -- or should I say mistress?" Achtung, baby!

It's the grand opening of Kyle's Restaurant, and a less than thrilled Amanda is there with her hubby, The Bizarre Dr. Peter Burns. She's still wary of the McBrides. Lip Lass stares at the couple. Kyle the Cook Boy coos at his wife, and he notices she's wearing a necklace that he hasn't seen before. "This? Oh, it's nothing. Just a plot device that will help me mess with Peter's life." "That's great, honey! Boy, I'm clueless!" She tells him to mingle with the guests -- so of course he goes right to Sydney! When he asks Syd about the painter she mentioned, Syd tells him about "Sam ... Samuel ... Samuel, ahh, Kirov! He doesn't speak English, which is why I represent him. He sends all his money to his starving family in Siberia!" What a woman!

As the night progresses, Taylor manages to get The Bizarre One to herself for a while. She crowds his personal space and she notices him staring at her. "Is something wrong?" "Ahh, no. I just can't get over how huge those lips are!" He's definitely disturbed by the necklace she's wearing. "It reminds me of something that happened a long time ago, back when Felicia thought she was an Aztec princess...." Amanda spots this and rushes over, telling Lip Lass, "If you're through fawning over my husband..." "I wasn't fawning over him!" "When you're standing less than a foot away from someone, you're fawning! I've even hired surveyors from the L.A. Department of Public Works to study you two! You're standing exactly 11.5 inches away from him -- and your lips are two inches closer!"

The next morning, Peter is taking a swim -- and a bikini-clad Taylor greets him! (And looking very unappealing in the process.) He blinks momentarily, then leaves the pool, choosing not to share with her. Amanda walks by, is shocked that Taylor has exposed more flesh than she has this season, and snippily reminds Peter to go to work.

Sydney tells Samantha about the party at Kyle's -- and about his interest in her paintings. Sam is delighted, until Syd says that she'll handle all the negotiations with Kyle herself. "You?" asks Sam. "Doesn't he want to meet the artist?" "Well...." hems Syd, who then spills the Siberian beans. When Sam protests, Syd says an aspiring artist needs a good bio. "But it's so ... dishonest!" "Oh, who cares?" says Syd. "We're talking about actual money here!" Sam agrees to go along with the deception, for now. Oh, Sydney, you're corrupting the dumb new character! Bad Sydney! Bad!

At D&D, Billy confronts Amanda about the nasty turn his career has taken since Craig's arrival. Amanda says, "That's not my fault. Quit soccer and go to acting school!" "Daaah, no! Not my real career! My career on this show!" Amanda quizzes him again about the "interesting news" he planned to tell her, but Peter makes a surprise visit to the office and Billy excuses himself. "Ooops, I burped. 'Scuse me!" Peter tells Amanda, "Why don't you come with me for lunch? Nudge nudge wink wink. Say no more!" He recommends a romantic dinner at home. Amanda consults her date book and says, "How about...Thursday?" Peter realizes that she's not kidding! She really did have to check her schedule! Understandably miffed but concealing it well, he agrees to the "date" and leaves without saying goodbye.

At the Fields Den of Evil, Arthur and Craig discuss their anti-Amanda strategy. Arthur warns his son not to underestimate Amanda. "Billy Campbell was my creation." "Geez, Dad, don't get so melodramatic! Billy was an employee at D&D long before you got any dialogue." "Don't interrupt me when I'm being evil! She destroyed Campbell to get at me." He tells Craig that he's recently chatted with Conner Moron, a longtime client that has always focused on family values. "What do they make, Dad?" "Poison gas. Anyhow, I've already convinced them to go with a more youth-oriented approach. At the pitch meeting, Amanda will use the old, boring ideas. Then you jump up, sing 'The Time Warp,' and sell the youth ideas. You will be the hot one!" "Sounds great, Dad. But it's a complicated plot for Melrose Place. Why don't you just fire her?"

Amanda tries to entice The Bizarre One at the breakfast table, but he's in a grumpy mood. When she makes a comment about how he might want to join Lip Lass in the pool, he assures her there is nothing going on. He double-checks to be sure their Thursday date is still OK. "Of course, just be sure you set the VCR to tape Must See TV!" "Oh, Amanda, come on! 'Suddenly Susan' sucks moose! Geez, Samantha has more personality!"

At D&D, after Craig submits to his nightly spanking from Amanda, he tells her about an idea he has for the Conner Moron account. And he describes the whole Generation X concept! Hey, this wasn't in your dad's plan! Amanda bluntly tells him it's a terrible idea. "And in the pitch meeting, you're just an observer. Keep your mouth shut. Now bark like a dog!" Arf! Arf!

At the restaurant, Kyle, Syd, and Lip Lass look over the latest painting from "Samuel Kirov." Kyle is happy; Taylor is unenthusiastic. Kyle takes Syd back into the kitchen to sample his latest sauce. (Hey, there are kids watching!) Syd says it's a big "tangy," and as a concerned Cook Boy tries to alter the sauce, he asks Syd how much she wants for the painting. Syd cautiously ventures, "Ohh, $1,000?" "Personal check OK?" Syd likes this! She even tries to seductively massage the sauce off Kyle's lips, but he says he's happily married. (That's what you think, nimrod!)

As Billy is leaving D&D, Amanda intercepts him and wants to know what he's heard. Billy says, "Aaahh, okay, but it'll cost ya. I want my old job, old salary, old office, and old girlfriend! And lots of M&M's! Gaaah!" Watch it, Billy! She may give you your old job as a copywriter! Billy agrees to tell her.

That night, an upset Peter is on the phone with Amanda, who tells him she must postpone their dinner: The pitch meeting was unavoidably delayed. At the meeting with the head of Conner Moron, Arthur, Craig, and a couple of non-speaking extras, Amanda starts off by talking about the great traditional campaign -- then abruptly talks about the "great idea" from Craig! While Arthur seethes, Amanda calmly explains the new, youth-oriented approach. Success! Arthur is NOT happy. As everyone leaves, Amanda says to Craig, "I don't care whose kid you are, don't mess with me. Now drop and give me twenty, slave!"

A sloshed Bizarre One walks into Kyle's, where he is happily greeted by the McBrides. Kyle gives Peter a delicious steak dinner -- in 30 seconds! Now that's service! Meanwhile, Taylor chats him up. Peter says, "Yeah, Heather really hates you, Lisa. You'll be off this show in no time!"

Back at the Den of Evil, Arthur accuses his son of blowing the strategy. Craig thought he might try to honestly work his way up the ladder. The merit system? On a show from the King of Nepotism, Aaron Spelling? The fool! Craig now says he'll serve up "Amanda's head on a platter, but I'll do it on my own. I just got the John the Baptist account."

Later that night (much later), Amanda sees Peter, Lip Lass, and Kyle stagger into the courtyard. Kyle says it's all his fault -- he convinced Peter to stay with them till closing. Taylor then says, "You should spend more time with your husband, Amanda. Someone may just steal him away!" "You keep away from him!" When Peter tries to intercede, Amanda shoves him into the pool! It's the first dunking of the season! Kyle says, "Hey, Peter, what's with your wife? Boy, I don't notice a thing, do I?"

Michael, Kimberly, and the jogger:

Michael stretches out at the beach house, and Kimberly admires his legs. Just as Michael's libido starts to charge up, Kim shuts it down. "Oh, I'm sorry, Michael. My therapist says I must concentrate on a daily routine -- working, reading, knife-sharpening -- without distraction." Michael sighs. When Kim suggests he go out for another run, he remembers last week's episode and says, "Hey, yeah, I'll go for a run! See ya!"

Along the beach, he sees the same blonde, who now hands him a note: "My place -- tonight. That is, if you want to!" Michael is torn by lust and ... and ... hmmm, no contest! Lust will win!

That night, Michael goes to her house. Another big house on the beach, no less! Isn't anyone middle class anymore? Without saying a word, they both start groping at each other! After seconds, though, Michael breaks off, saying "I can't do this...I can't!" He runs off. The jogger is stunned!

Later, at Burns-Mancini, Michael snarls at wife and receptionist Kimberly for giving medical advice to their patients. He apologizes, and Kim suggests they spend a quiet evening at home watching videos. "I've found this fascinating tape on the growth of daffodils!" Michael says, "Ahh, I just remembered. I said I'd be doing late rounds tonight!" He walks off and Kim eyes him suspiciously.

That night, Michael returns to the jogger's house. This time, there is no hesitation! She pulls him inside and they go at it like crazed weasels!

Matt and Dr. Hathaway:

Matt is packing up at the Jane Hathaway Rehabilitation Center, when he is visited by a perturbed Dan, who tells Matt he shouldn't leave until he's admitted the truth about his own addiction. Matt shrugs him off, "I know the truth." "You can't handle the truth, Sparky!"

Matt returns to the hospital. He asks Dr. Constriction why he's not back on the schedule: "I had a little problem, but..." "Drug use is not a little problem, Matt. You're suspended until next semester! " D'OH! Matt is furious. He's convinced that Dr. Hathaway ratted him out.

He goes to Dan's home and yells at him. "What's with you, Matt? Are you on drugs?" "Me, drugs? Ha! No!" Dan doesn't know what Matt is talking about. "Discretion and trust are paramount at the Hathaway Center, not to mention styling gel." Dan says that Matt's supplier was caught and probably named names, including Matt's. Matt feels like an idiot, and Dan says he might be able to pull strings and get Matt's suspension lifted. When Matt asks Dan why he would do this, Dan says, "Like I said, I've been there ... and I like you." Matt stares and says, "Back atcha." Huh, Matt? You hated this guy two seconds ago!

Alison, Jake, Samantha, Jane, and more Billy:

Picking up right from last week, Billy and Samantha walk away after their encounter with Jake. Billy is puzzled -- what else is new? As they approach her pad, Jane exits. Billy, suspicious, quizzes her, but she feigns ignorance. She walks outside and sees Alison's car parked outside. "That bitch Alison!" She grabs a pair of scissors in her bag, slashes the tires, and puts a "Vote for Perot" sticker on the window! Nasty!

In the morning, Billy knocks on Jake's door and wants to know what the heck is going on. Jake, the Master Communicator, doesn't want to talk about it. Alison sees Jane leaving and walks out with her. Jane points out: "Oh, no! Look at your tires, Alison! Who could have done such a thing? And you don't even like Perot!" Alison goes to D&D and accuses Billy of doing this out of anger about her and Jake. "Daaah, Alison, I have no anger. In fact, I have no visible emotions whatsoevah! Gaaah!" He tells her about Jane's pass and her desire to break up Alison and Jake. "Just watch out for her." Alison now thinks Billy might be right.

At the boutique, Samantha asks Jane for her opinion of Billy. Jane then unleashes the full horror of Melrosian history upon Sam:
"Oh, Billy's a great guy. It wasn't easy for him after Alison left him at the altar."
"Wow. But he wants to get back with her?"
"Not at first. He married Brooke."
"Brooke? Who is Brooke?"
"Brooke was. She died. In the pool."
"Our pool? Ewwww. So then he got back with Alison?"
"Well, she had gotten married, too. Brooke's father. He also drowned!"
"Brooke's father?"
"He was very rich. Now don't get me started, or I'll talk about Jo and her baby! Thank God she's off the show!"
"Wow. Does my lease have an escape clause? I gotta get the hell out of here!"
Billy shows up, and Sam ducks him. Who could blame her? He asks Jane if she's responsible for the brick incident, but she won't give in.

At Shooter's (The Only Bar in Town), Alison tells Jake that Jane may be responsible. Jake laughs it off, just as Jane arrives. Alison asks Jake to meet her in the back room. "Boy, you're insatiable, Alison!" "No, not that! I need to talk to you!" "Okay, let's be sure to leave the door open a bit so that Jane can more easily eavesdrop." Immediately, the two start to accuse each other of being too chummy with their respective ex-lovers, and Alison suggests they take a step back. Jane, sensing triumph, walks away. However, Jake stops Alison by saying "I love you." Alison replies with -- you have one guess! -- "I love you, too!" Clear the desk!

Billy and Sam have a picnic -- gee, I guess she stopped ducking him. He says he wants to get on with his life. (Billy, we all want you to get on with your life!) Billy practically gags when he finds out how much Jane told Sam about his life. Still, Sam seems intrigued by him. I'm losing consciousness .... someone stop these two! Together, they form a black hole of Anti-Intellect, from which no thought -- however small -- can escape! Billy says, "So, daah, I'm still in da game?" "Yes, you are, my little soccer benchwarmer."

As Jake and Alison are walking down the street at night (Los Angelenos, walking?!!), they hear a scuffling noise behind them. Jake shoves Alison into a cab, then grabs the stalker. It's Jane in her ninja garb! "Why are you doing this?" he demands. "Because it was a mistake that we broke up. But I fixed things, Jake, and I'll never let you go!" Yow! Jake knows he's dealing with a wacko now!

Sam and Billy have dinner. Sam talks for five minutes about crabs. Billy makes his move -- "Daah, hey, I know French!" Wake me when it's over.

The police show up at Jake's door. Before an astonished Jake and Alison, Jane points out Jake as the man who's been stalking her! The police slap a restraining order on Jake. Alison Gapes! Jake stares! Jane smiles evilly!

Next Week: Amanda seeks to thwart the lethal plans of Lip Lass!

--Ken Hart

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