Episode 3: Moving Violations


OK, I knew something was bugging me last week about the new character, Taylor McBride, but I couldn't figure out what. Then everybody pointed out, "Well, look at her lips! They're huge!" So, a word of advice to "Lipsa" Rinna (nickname suggested by anonymous Melrosian): Lay off the collagen -- it makes you look weird!

The Matt Slot goes to ... Samantha. Yes, she's a regular now, so she's fair game. All she does this episode is stare at Jane and Sydney and with a dazed look. Brace yourself for lots of bad acting from Billy this week!

Jane, Sydney, Samantha, and Fashion Boy:

Syd and Jane are busily digging their graves under the watchful gaze of the gun-toting Fashion Boy, who encourages them by saying, "The faster you dig, the faster you die." He clearly has a future in upper management. He plans to reinvent himself. "I kind of like being dead," he says. "No more debts." Say, that idea has merit!

Syd, tired of working in the dirt, goes into action! She bats her eyelashes and says, "Wouldn't you be lonely?" Jane feigns disgust, and when Syd further turns on the charm to Richard, Jane starts a shoving match in the grave! Wow, all we need here is The Undertaker from the WWF! Fashion Boy breaks them up. Syd persists, asking him, "Who's more attractive, me or my sister? We definitely know Jane has some problems in bed..." Jane swings the shovel, Syd ducks, and FB gets whacked in the gut! The sisters make a run for it, while FB fires wildly. Gee, it sure looked like Richard had a point-blank line of fire at Jane! Oh, but that would have ruined the story!

In the morning, a weary and wary Jane and Syd make their way through the woods, and Jane is angry at Syd for trying to save her skin by coming on to Richard. [I'm confused. The actors played the grave scene as though Syd's come-on and the fake fight were part of a hastily improvised escape plan, but Jane's comments to Syd seem to contradict this.] Fortunately, they are discovered by a hunky Park Ranger, followed by Yogi Bear and Boo Boo. They return to the grave site with the deputy, who radios in a description of Richard's car. To their dismay, the sister don't see the bag with the $50,000, and they're worried that if Richard escapes the area, he'll come back for revenge during Sweeps Week.

Since FB slashed the tires of Jane's car, the deputy offers to drive them to a place where they can meet Samantha, whom Jane called during the commercial break. As they pass by a roadside diner, Jane spots Richard's car -- and Richard! The deputy stops the car, and cautiously approaches him. Just as Fashion Boy is calmly telling him that he doesn't know the full story, the unlucky Samantha drives up, right between Richard and the deputy! Syd calls out, "Look out! He's got a gun!" -- before FB even reaches for his weapon! -- and the deputy and Richard shoot it out! FB shoots Samantha's car window twice! (Bad window! Bad!) Richard Hart takes two bullets in the heart and drops! The shocked deputy rushes over and pronounces Fashion Boy dead. Samantha, a graduate of the Andrew Shue Acting Academy, stares blankly.

Why did Syd suddenly blurt out the early warning about the gun? Was she panicking, or was she hoping to start a gunfight to prevent Fashion Boy from blabbing about Syd and Jane's misdeeds?

At the local police station in the morning, the sheriff tells the three women that they can leave. Jane, however, wants to see Richard's body to make sure he's dead! The sheriff says it's unusual, but he gives permission. The Calvin Klein body bag is unzipped, revealing a very dead-looking Fashion Corpse. Sam says, "I've never seen a dead body before." The ever-delightful Syd replies, "You get used to it."

Jane asks the sheriff if she can be left alone for a minute, and when only the three women are in the room, she requests a safety pin. Samantha, still clueless, says, "Well, I do have this ancient Egyptian brooch from a past life, and it shouldn't be used on human flesh..." Jane takes it -- and jabs it into Richard's body! Syd and Sam gasp, but Jane is convinced that Fashion Boy is truly dead. Yay! (Now, if this were last season, we would have learned that the Egyptian brooch is cursed, and its dark power accidentally revives Richard as Rama-Tut, Fashion Pharaoh!)

Driving back to L.A. in Sam's car, Jane seems very happy, though Sam can't understand why. Syd is bemoaning the loss of the money. Just then, a police car comes up behind them and orders them to pull over. Syd freaks out! "They're gonna put us in jail, Jane. We'll be like the Menendez Brothers! Samantha, floor it!"

An angry Sam pulls over to the curb. The sheriff walks over, and he's holding a bag that was found in Richard's car. Jane says, "Oh, yes! That's mine! Thanks!" The sheriff says, "Hmmm, aren't you going to look to see if everything's there?" "Oh, I'm sure it's all here." "Fifty thousand dollars is a lot of money to be carrying around." D'OH! He's suspicious, but when the practical Syd bluntly asks, "Are we under arrest?" he tells them, "No, but just stay out of my jurisdiction." Jane orders a stunned Samantha to drive, while Syd smiles happily in the back of the car! They got away with it!

Back at Melrose Place, the rested Jane walks into the living room to see Sam packing. She's moving out! "No offense, Jane, but your lifestyle is a little too alternative for me! I'm joining the cast of 'Ellen'!" Jane pleads for a second chance, saying all the weirdness is over. (Ha! It's only the third episode!) Samantha relents.

Jane later sees Jake helping Alison move her stuff out. She apologizes to the both of them for her behavior and bad hair last season, and it's obvious that she's again interested in Jake.

Back at Jane's garage shop, she and Sydney split their money, though Jane says she'll have to use the money to pay off heavy financial debts. (When is Jane not in a financial hole?) At this point, the amazingly patient Sam says, "Uh, Jane, I haven't gotten a paycheck yet. If I don't get something by the end of the week, I'm going to have to look for a job on the UPN Network." Jane, not wishing that horrible fate upon anyone, swallows her pride and asks Sydney for a loan. A smiling Syd agrees -- at 8 percent interest! "Blood only goes so far."

Peter, Amanda, Michael, Matt, Kimberly, Kyle, and Taylor:

In prison, The Bizarre and Health-Conscious Dr. Peter Burns is doing pushups while telling the guard that he doesn't want to see the visiting Amanda. The smirking guard relays the message to Amanda, who is worried about Peter's emotional state. She sees Michael and asks why he's visiting the prison. "Well, I'm just very concerned about Peter..." Amanda doesn't buy it! "You're here to ask Peter to get me to lay off Kimberly!" She grabs him by the lapels and pushes him against the wall! Kimberly is Peter's only hope of getting out of here. "Okay, okay," says Michael. "Now, do you mind? Armani wrinkles!"

At the hospital, Kimberly tells Michael that she's worried she'll get confused during her testimony at Peter's preliminary hearing. Michael, an expert in these matters, encourages her to lie if necessary! He then excuses himself when he sees Matt, and he pushes Matt into a room and demands to know what's going on. "What's with you, Matt? Are you on drugs?" "Me, drugs? Ha! No!" Michael then points out that the pharmacist called him up and questioned him about his prescription of barbituates for Matt! Angry that he could get in trouble for this, Michael takes the drugs from Matt and plans to call the cops. Matt pleads for leniency, saying he's nearly finished with his tests. Michael reluctantly agrees, but "if you want to graduate, you better clean up your act! Just Don't Do It!"

By the way, now that Kimberly is out of her coma, shouldn't she be facing criminal charges? Attempted murder? Illegal imprisonment? Practicing lobotomies without a license? Just wondering...

Amanda returns to Melrose Place to see Taylor and Kyle knocking on her apartment door. Taylor says she just wants to introduce her husband, Kyle. Amanda is not in a friendly mood. Taylor prods her by saying, "How's your husband ... what's his name ... Peter?" Amanda stares at her and says, "Watch out for your nose," and closes the door! Forget the nose -- watch out for those lips! They're got their own zip code!

Kyle is amazed that Taylor didn't react: "You wouldn't have taken that from anyone back in Boston!" She says she didn't want to get into a fight with their new landlord, but he suspects another motive. (Boy, Kyle, are you dense!)

At the hearing, Kimberly is aggressively questioned by the prosecutor, and although she initially puts up a good front, she eventually does her Sgt. Schultz impersonation: "I saw nothing! I heard nothing! I know NOTHING!" The damning testimony against Peter is from the waiter at the restaurant, who remembers Kim but not him. (Well, if I were the waiter, I'd remember Kimberly and forget Peter, too!) Amanda furiously whispers to Michael, "Your wife is dead."

Peter and Amanda meet with his lawyer, who says that Kimberly's testimony is not disastrous, which is like saying that Robert Downey Jr. is having some career problems. An angry and frustrated Peter demands to testify. He tells Amanda, "I gotta get outta here -- now, not six months from now! There's a guy in the next cell who wants to make me his Love Puppy!"

Taylor again knocks at Amanda's door, but Manic Matt informs her that Amanda is attending Peter's hearing in court. She then tells her husband that there's a problem with the liquor license for their new restaurant and she needs to get it cleared up right away. Fibber!

In court, Peter begins his testimony. Amanda glances over her shoulder to see Taylor sitting in the back. As Peter describes a couple of things about the waiter, Kimberly's memory returns! She jumps up and starts describing everything in great detail: the waiter's appearance, birthdate, and previous television credits. There were two waiters that night! That's why the one waiter doesn't recall seeing Peter. Although Kimberly's statement is not admissible as evidence, the judge gives Peter's lawyer 24 hours to get third-party confirmation of the second waiter's existence. Everyone gives a sigh of relief -- except Taylor, who leaves.

That night, though, Amanda arrives at the McBrides' pad and demands to know what Taylor was doing in court. Taylor feebly says she thought it was a Universal Studios ride. Amanda gives her a warning and departs. Kyle is now very suspicious, and when Taylor is not honest with him, he says, "Why do I feel like I'm still being punished?" [Subplot Alert! Subplot Alert!] Ms. Collagen apologizes, but she still doesn't tell him the truth.

Peter's lawyer tells him that they've found the second waiter -- he remembers Peter! The Bizarre One is free to go! Peter seems stunned. "That's it?" His life, practice, and golf game have possibly been forever ruined. The lawyer tells him to put this behind him and go home to his wife. [Jump to Alison's farewell party for the wrap-up.]

The female doctor we saw last week approaches Michael in the hospital. She warns him of her suspicions about Matt, and she threatens to take this to the Chief Surgeon (who is it this week?) unless Michael talks to Matt first. "If Fielding's on drugs, I want him expelled. And if any doctor is supplying him with drugs, I want his parking space!"

Alison, Billy, Jake, and the farewell party:

As she is packing the last of her stuff, Alison starts smooching with Jake once again. There's a knock on the door, and they manage to compose themselves just before Billy walks in. Billy ignores their flushed faces and the fact that Jake has trouble standing up. He offers to do anything to help Alison move. When he sees an old shirt of his in the discard pile, he says, "Daaah, ya weren't throwin' this away, were ya?" "Oh, no, Billy. You can have it." "Naah, I wouldn't haf given it ta ya if I didn't want ya to haf it!" He wants to do something, like rent a truck. "Oh," Alison realizes, "I do need a truck..." Billy says, "OK, then!" Alison, feeling the increasing discomfort of guilt, tries unsuccessfully to dissuade him. Hulk will get truck.

At Shooter's (The Only Bar in Town), Matt is in a giddy mood. It turns out that one of his customers in his new drug supplier! Alison says to Jake, "What's with Matt? Is he on drugs?" "I asked him that, but he said, 'Me, drugs? Ha! No!'" Billy, looking increasingly like a loyal but stupid basset hound, shows up and offers to help Alison move. In fact, he's even arranged to take the day off. Alison says Jake and Matt have already volunteered to help, but she can't shake him. When she goes away for a second, Billy tells Jake that he's actually planning a surprise farewell party for her. Jake, also feeling the increasing discomfort of guilt, says he needs to tell Billy something ... but then Alison returns, and Jake drops the subject.

Well, Alison's move is accomplished without a hitch. Matt and Billy suggest heading back to Shooter's "for some drugs ... beers! I meant beers!" Jake and Alison think it's a good idea, but the sex-crazed Alison says, "Oh, Jake, could you sign my Shooter's time card for me? It'll take me a couple of minutes to find it. OK?" "OK-Alison. I-will-wait," says Jake. "Daaaaaah, why don't I wait, too?" says Billy, finally realizing that Something Is Going On. "Oh, it's silly to keep everyone waiting," says Alison. "Let's go!"

The next night, Alison enters the courtyard to drop off her keys when -- SURPRISE! It's her farewell party! Yeehah! There are strangers wandering around the pool, and Alison asks Billy, "Who are all these people?" "They wandered in from the WB Network. I think they're lookin' for job security!" "Well, they won't find it here!"

Alison gives her keys to a distracted Amanda. When Alison questions her, Amanda says that Peter was released from jail, but he has yet to turn up. As if on cue, Peter slowly wanders in. Amanda embraces him, and they head up to her place.

Taylor moves in closely when The Bizarre One appears. Kyle walks up to her, nearly tripping over her lips, and says, "You acted like you knew him." "Him? Oh, no." (Hmmm ... Peter has had two opportunities to see her, but he hasn't reacted, so he probably doesn't know her or he was totally zoned. She may be related to his dead wife.)

Samantha and Syd circle the area. "Oooh, who's that dreamboat?" says Sam, looking at Billy! "Oh, that's just Billy, but don't bother with him. He's totally devoted to the guest of honor, Miss 12-Step!"

At the little bar that's been set up, Alison scribbles a note on a napkin: "Meet me at my place in one hour. --Alison." She leaves it for Jake to see. As soon as Jake reads it, though, Billy walks over and starts chatting. Jake tries to block Billy's view, but Matt unknowingly covers up the incriminating napkin with his own beer! Jake quickly seizes the wrong napkin (!), crumples it, and leaves. Matt also walks away, but Billy stays at the bar -- and sees the note! He glances at Alison and winks! The fool thinks it's for him! Of course, we have to assume this from the plot, since Billy's emotions are, as always, a mystery, thanks to Shue.

Upstairs in Amanda's, Peter is one big ball of dark emotion. Amanda tries to get him to unwind, but he says, "I've got nothing left. They took everything away from me." He tells her that while he appreciates everything she's done for him, he says he may never have a medical practice again, and says he wouldn't blame her if she walked away. She says, "Peter, the smartest thing I ever did was marry you. You're stuck with me -- at least until David Chavet joins the cast!"

One hour later, Billy walks into Alison's unlocked pad (in Los Angeles?) and is confronted by dim light, red roses, and the soothing tones of John Tesh. "Hewwo, Alison." Alison Gapes! As Jake enters behind him, Billy realizes that her note wasn't for him, after all! Billy turns to leave, then takes a swing at Jake! Jake blocks the first punch, but not the second. As Billy tries for three, Jake ducks and gives Billy a good shot in the gut! As Billy doubles over, Jake and Alison plead for a chance to talk this out. "C'mon, Billy," says Jake. "We're friends." "Yeah," mutters Billy, "you're my friends. Just go to hell."

Next Week: Michael confronts Matt! Matt threatens Michael! Billy goes public about Jake and Alison! Jane Gapes!

--Ken Hart

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