Episode 30: Peter's Excellent Adventure


Wow, with Loni, Alycia, and Bobby gone, it's like a large, nasty weight has been removed. This episode was a step up ... if you leave out Jo's subplot, that is. Now, excuse me for one moment while I rant, BUT what the heck does Fox think it's doing by yanking "Profit" without warning?! It's the best show they've had since "The X-Files" started!

The Matt Slot goes to ... Sydney, who shows her grief over Bobby's death by clicking a table lamp on and off to symbolize his brain. And don't all the characters look better now that their hair is growing back?

Jane, Jake, Alison, and Fashion Boy:

Melrosian Time Compression is in full effect! Last week, Jake left the bar at Shooter's during the night to get the truth from Jane. She told him she was raped, and Jake stormed out. It's now full daylight as Jake drives up to Fashion Boy Central on his motorcycle! (Helmet on, of course -- let's not give Bob Dole any more ammo about irresponsibility on television.) Alison drives up right behind him in her car. He rushes in and whacks Fashion Boy with the helmet! YES! Jake goes in for the kill, but Alison stops him. "This is about Jane's pain, not your anger. She needs you now, Jake. She doesn't need you in jail where guys named Brutus can get their hands on you!" FB threatens to call 911, but Alison dares him to! She says that Jane told her about the rape. FB simply says, "I have a different perspective." Alison tells Jake they'll get this gelled weasel in court. Jake says, "You better hope you go to jail, Fashion Boy, or you're a dead man!"

Back at Jane's apartment, though, Jane shows no interest in pursuing this. She just wants to get on with her life and design more horrible fashions. Jake, staring straight ahead, doesn't think that's possible. Alison checks the script: "Hey, guess what? I have a contact at the District Attorney's office! I don't know why I never used her before, considering how many of my close friends have been involved in criminal problems on this show, but I can give her a call now if you'd like!" Jane agrees, and she meets the woman, Barbara Lewis. Barbara pulls no punches after hearing Jane's tale. Taking into account Richard and Jane's history, the circumstances, and the fact that "Melrose Place" handles courtroom scenes so poorly, it'll be very tough to prove anything. She also tells Jane to expect that her entire sexual history will be brought out during any trial. "What?" exclaims Jane. "But that would take up an entire season! You saw what happened to 'Murder One'!" Hearing that the odds are heavily against conviction, Jane decides to take another route.

Alison and Jake drop by Jane's pad later to find out her decision. Jane says she won't file charges. Jake feels helpless because, empathic lug that he is, he senses Jane's pain. Alison also uses her Betazoid training and tells Jane to release her pent-up emotions: "You can't stay bottled up or you're going to explode." Jane says to them, "Well, then you better stay far away from me! I'm Dyn-O-MITE!!"

Jane later goes quietly into Fashion Boy's office. Richard is really scummy now, and acts like he's in total control. He's mad at her for telling people about what happened in New York, but she says Alison and Jake are "old baggage," and she calmly recognizes the need for FB and her to work together. Fashion Boy lauds her attitude, but when he's not looking, Jane's face becomes cold and impassive. (Josie, you've been taking acting lessons from Andrew again, haven't you? Fess up!)

A day or two later, FB and Jane exit her apartment after finishing some business. He's all smiles and even puts his arm on her shoulder. Jake walks into the courtyard and is disgusted by the sight. "Don't do this, Jane." Fashion Boy tries to provoke him, but Jane tells him to wait outside while she talks to Jake for a moment. When Jake protests again, Jane says, "Did it ever occur to you that I might prefer Richard's company to yours?" Jake's mouth hangs open. (Grant, you've been taking acting lessons from Andrew again, haven't you? Fess up!) Jane says, "I don't want to see you anymore." Jake shuffles off like a German Shepherd who's just been told "Bad dog!", but Jane is obviously pained by her action.

Billy (appearing very briefly once more) goes to Shooter's, The Only Bar in Town, and asks for Jake's advice regarding Alison. "Daaah, I've been a total jerk with Alison. I wuv her!" "Love's overrated, anyway," says Jake. "Gaaah, 'cause women are nuts!" Billy astutely senses that things aren't going well between Jake and Jane, but Jake tells him in no uncertain terms that he doesn't want to talk about it. Billy, realizing he's late for a soccer game, leaves as Jake helps himself to a few shots at the bar.

That night, Alison helps a drunken Jake get into his apartment. As he slumps onto his couch, he thanks her and says, "Now that I'm really wasted and my brain is impaired, I can actually see what Billy sees in you!" He talks about seeing the same person over and over again, then suddenly viewing that person in a different light: "She's it!" Alison knows what's he trying to say; one time, Billy saw her standing under a bug zapper and he fell head over heels in love. "Billy and I used to be friends -- great friends. I wish we could go back to that again." She gives him a quick kiss on the forehead and leaves. Whew! I thought we were going to have an Alison-Jake make-out session. Thank goodness we were spared.

Later, Jane -- with gun in hand -- is training at the shooting range. One of the workers says to her, "What did you get this for? Self-defense?" "Safe sex." Jane then starts firing her Trojan .357 Magnum, plugging Richard-sized holes in the target!

Jo, Matt, and Dr. Love:

Matt is treating a male of indeterminate age. He talks to the kid as though he's about 15, but he looks as though he could be anywhere from 10 to 35. Not only is his age indeterminate, but so is his illness! Matt is being kind and considerate, but Dr. O'Malley pops up and is borderline-rude to the mysteriously suffering audience ... I mean, kid. When Matt objects afterward, O'Malley says, "I'm not in the touch-feely business." Detachment is the way to go, Matt! How else can you survive life on the Fox network?

As Jo returns to Melrose Place that evening, she finds O'Malley sitting on the steps to her apartment. She lets him inside, but plainly says she's not in the best mood for company. (When is she ever?) She has a lot of work ahead of her: "I have to mount and crop." Sayyyyyy...! Dr. Love says, "I'd like to watch." As O'Malley goes into a Zen trace while sorting Jo's photos, he tells her they found a baby in a dumpster outside the hospital. Boy, what a romantic! "Say, sweetheart, let's relax with this fine bottle of Cabernet and watch news footage of war-torn Bosnia!" The baby is fine, but he wonders, "Why should someone have a baby if she's not prepared to deal with it?" This hits a little too close to home for Jo, who quickly shows the very confused O'Malley the door.

At the hospital, O'Malley and his team watch Matt attend to Sick Lad, who whines, "What's wrong with me? When am I going to get out of here? How old am I? Why did David Caruso leave 'N.Y.P.D. Blue'?" Matt tries out his new "detachment" attitude: "Stop complaining. You'll leave here when we say you can leave here. And Caruso thought it was the right time to jump to movies -- yeah, like 'Jade'. The fool!" O'Malley looks on approvingly. Outside the room, Matt says it's not easy to pretend you don't care about the patients. O'Malley, who seems to have no such difficulty, makes a wisecrack about leaving that to the social workers, which gets Matt a bit steamed.

Jo is at the waterfront, photographing boats, when O'Malley pops up again. He apologizes for whatever he did wrong the other night, but he wants to know why she reacted as she did. "I have feelings for you," he says. "Come on, talk to me." Thank you, Phil Donahue. Jo tells him that she gave her baby up for adoption. O'Malley looks at her incredulously. "That's it?! That's the big secret? How is that like what I was talking about?" He tells her that she's nothing like the women who put their babies in dumpsters; she's got nicer hair! "You took care of your child -- and I love you for that." Oh, geez! Jo yells, "Don't say that!" She says she won't open herself to anyone, but she eventually starts crying and sinks into O'Malley's arms. Hah?

Matt is trying to start an I.V. on the complaining Sick Lad, but -- much to the kid's displeasure -- Matt can't find a vein, so he has to go in again. (Don't look!) That's too much for Sick Lad, who jumps out of bed and wants to leave. When Matt tries to stop him, Sick Lad shoves him. Matt accidentally gets stuck with the dirty needle. Ouch! Uh oh...

Peter, Amanda, Kimberly, and Michael:

Still at the hospital, The Bizarre Dr. Peter Burns is having a tough time convincing the detectives of his innocence. "Uh, Dr. Burns, we've checked the Melrose Place database, and your history is full of, well, bizarre behavior." Kimberly still hasn't appeared, and Alycia Barnett hasn't called back. A nurse overhears the name and says, "Barnett? She's right here, Doctor." She points at a body bag! As Peter looks at the body, the nurse says Alycia was killed by a vehicular plot device. Of course, she was brought to Wiltshire Memorial, which is somehow the closest hospital to the accident scene even though Alycia had been driving at full speed for hours. Amanda walks in and whacks Peter with a right cross! "You and Alycia framed Bobby! I was in the dark! It was scary! I've said it for the last time: Never, never lie to me!" She leaves, and Peter realizes he's had better days.

Peter maintains his innocence in the interrogation room. The police don't have anything definite on him yet, so he can leave, but they want to see him again in the morning. Many cops were fans of his from "General Hospital," and they'd like his autograph. Michael meets him outside the police station: "So, what did you do? Plead self-defense?" "I didn't kill him, Michael." Actually, he says he's more worried about Kimberly, and he explains that Kim is suffering from multiple personality disorder. Michael is skeptical: "OK, so maybe she's been a little wiggy..." "'A little wiggy'?! There's Kimberly, Betsy, Rita ... hell, she could probably field a team by now!"

Michael returns to the office, where Syd mopes about the loss of Bobby. (You'll get over it, Syd. Probably by next week if the show holds true to form!) Michael wants her to keep trying to get Kim on the phone.

Amanda visits Peter at his home. She needs to know the truth, a precious commodity on Melrose Place. "Did you set Bobby up?" Peter tries to work his way around it, but he eventually says, "Alycia and I framed Bobby. She wanted the company, I wanted you and your leopard-print bedsheets." Bobby was innocent. Peter insists, though, that he didn't kill him. "You want the truth? I'm an open book! The stakes are too high for anthing else." He acknowledges that Bobby didn't deserve what happened to him, and he apologizes for what he did. "If you don't love me, then leave. But if you do love me, then I need you." Amanda thinks it over, realizes that she'd be out of the plot if she left, then slowly hugs The Bizarre One -- as "Betsy" watches from outside!

As Amanda leaves in the morning, Kimberly greets Peter. He's delighted to see her! (Of course, she's still wearing the Betsy clothes, which should set off warning bells.) She says she's gotten worse, and she needs immediate hospitalization. But she doesn't want people to know, so she's found someplace quiet: Willowbridge. Peter thinks this is great. "I've never known someone who's picked their own mental institution before!" He says they just need to stop at the police station first so she can corroborate his story.

As they're driving along, Peter tells her she's doing the right thing -- then Kim jabs him in the thigh with a needle! It's Evil Needle Week on Melrose Place! Within seconds, Peter is heavily sedated. Kim puts him in the back seat, and she continues driving on, but not to the police station.

Michael visits Amanda at D&D and tells her Peter's missing: He's missed his appointment with the cops, and a warrant has been issued for his arrest. "They wanted those autographs real bad." Kimberly is also still AWOL, and Michael wonders if Peter has kidnapped Kim "and he plans to brainwash her to be his alibi!" Amanda shoots down that idea. "Peter's no kidnapper." "Maybe not a kidnapper, but he is a scam artist, a manipulator..." Amanda stands by her man. "Something's wrong. I can feel it."

That night, Kimberly drives up to The Willowbridge Institute. (It took all day to get there? Where is this place? Utah?) A group of orderlies are waiting to take "Mr. Peters" inside as she arranged. They all recognize her as Dr. Shaw. Peter, still doped up, yells, "I'm the Doctor! I'm the Doctor!" Kimberly says, "Please medicate him immediately."

Shortly after dawn, Kim/Betsy returns to the beach house, where she is shocked to find Michael in bed! "I thought I told you to stay away for a while, Michael." He says he's been worried about her. She tells him, "I've been arranging a complicated hospitalization." Michael says Peter needs her to be his alibi and, well, he diagnosed her as having multiple personality disorder. Kim looks a bit miffed at that, but she says she didn't see Peter that night.

Meanwhile, back at the Cuckoo's Nest, Peter is not having a good time. He's in the traditional pajamas and a robe, sitting heavily medicated in a room with mental patients and the stereotypical nasty orderly. In walks Nurse Benson (Priscilla Presley!) and Dr. Tucker (Andrew Prine -- name any '70s TV drama and he's been in it, usually as a creepy guy wearing a cravat). Peter valiantly tries to prove that he's a doctor, and he spits out a lot of medical terminology: "Medulla oblongata! Subdural hematoma! Fettucini Alfredo!" This proves only that he's a good reader. Dr. Tucker introduces him to some crazed poet/geneticist. Peter pleads with them to call his office -- or the police! "Yes, I'm wanted by the police! Call them!!" Tucker suspects some persecution complex, so he has "Mr. Peters" further sedated.

A day or two (three?) later, Peter walks up to Nurse Benson and smoothly says, "I know I'm making progress." Somehow, the Bizarre charm has less impact when you're sedated. Kimberly/Betsy appears and talks to Peter privately. She wants symmetry: Peter hospitalized and drugged her, so now it's his turn to suffer. She says, "Kimberly's gone, Rita's locked down, I'm in charge." He'll leave when she says so, not before. Peter wonders, "Wouldn't the director have something to say about that?" It turns out that Kim is the Acting Director for the week while Dr. Tucker's on vacation! D'OH! Rita has been planning this for weeks. She's ingratiated herself upon Dr. Tucker and the staff. Things don't look good!

Michael and Amanda go to the restaurant where Peter says he had dinner with Kimberly. Although the staff told the police they couldn't recall seeing Peter and Kim, Michael and Amanda think they may have better luck. She gets the attention of a woman who takes photographs of couples at their table. Amanda says her date is a little camera-shy. The woman says, "I'll make him look gorgeous." Amanda deadpans, "Well, I'm not expecting miracles." She asks if she can see examples of the woman's work, and they look through a small photo album. No shots of Peter, but they do see Kimberly in the background of one photo, standing next to Amelia Earhart and the Loch Ness Monster. It's dated last week. Amanda says they need to get into Kim's office. Michael says, "I should be able to do that without a problem." "Not you -- we. I'm not letting Peter's fate rely upon you and your psycho bride!"

Back at Willowbridge, Nurse Benson tells Kimberly that Mr. Peters is showing improvement. Kimberly disagrees and orders his medication increased! "Get more Sylvester Stallone films!"

Amanda and Michael go through Kim's office at the hospital. Amanda finds a brown lunch bag containing Peter's watch, wallet, and a grilled cheese sandwich. She wants to call the police right away, but Michael says no. "You may love Peter, but I love this woman." Amanda yields a bit: "I'll give you one more day, then all bets are off."

The orderly escorts Peter into the "procedure room," where more orderies and Kimberly are standing around a nasty-looking table. Kim says, "Don't look so shocked, Peter. You won't feel a thing." Oh, that Kimberly -- what a kidder! They strap him down and, over his screams of protest, administer shock treatment!

Next Week: Melrose is on Wednesday the 15th. Jane tells Syd, "You're going to help me kill Fashion Boy!" Amanda and Michael show Nurse Benson an 8x10 glossy of Peter, but she says she's never seen him. Kim jabs Peter with a needle again!

--Ken Hart

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