Episode 21: Devil in a Wet Dress


I'm not sure what was more frightening this episode: Brooke's ghost or Matt and Jake's new haircuts! They're both trying for the "George Clooney" look and, yes, they succeed in gettting their hair to look like Clooney's -- when he was 3 years old! Another minus for Jake: no Shooter's this week!

The Matt Slot goes to ... Jo! The once street-smart, world-weary New Yorker only makes us weary in her brief appearance, as she appears shocked by Fashion Boy's tactics. Sydney almost got it, but she makes fun of cellular phones, which is a plus in my book!

Jo, Jane, Jake, and Fashion Boy:

Jane and Alison chat in the palacial offices of Jane's business, i.e., Jake's garage. Jane tells Alison not to feel guilty for what happened to Brooke [explained later]. She tries to convince Alison to use her D&D-sharpened skills to help her sell her fashions and land a new account. "You could be my ... director of marketing!" Alison chuckles and says OK, "just once." If Jane really wants help selling her fashions, she should go to another TV show, say, "Touched By An Angel"!

The next day, Jane and Buzz Cut #1, Jake, walk into the courtyard doing the kissy-face thing. She thanks Alison for all her help; it turns out they got the Jordan account: Soon, young people all over L.A. will be wearing hats made from cherry pits. Alison goes to her place, while Jake & Jane continue to share their thoughts on dental hygiene. Fashion Boy walks in and seems particularly smug. He's amused by Jane's attempts to get the Jordan account; he made his presentation right after hers, and he feels sure he won. Bzzzztt! Wrong Answer! Jane gleefully tells him that she got the account. Jake chimes in, "That's right ... Dick." Jane triumphantly says, "Talent always wins over trash." Not on the FOX Network!

The next night, the Two J's are smooching in bed when the phone rings. Jordan is pulling his account! Jane sputters, wraps a towel around herself, and charges upstairs to Jo's place with Jake following. Fashion Boy answers and happily admits to calling Jordan and telling him the truth about Jane: Her "office" is a garage, her "director of marketing" is fictitious, and her character is still reeling from the personality shift she suffered at the start of the season. He now has the Jordan account. MUAHAHAHA! Jo, standing nearby, appears stunned by FB's ruthlessness. Jane vows vengeance! Jake does not punch him -- wuss! FB later tells an unhappy Jo that Jane would have done the same thing if the positions had been reversed. (Hmmm, somehow I doubt Fashion Boy would ever sleep with Jake.) Jo seems unconvinced. Surprisingly, Fashion Boy is more effective as a no-holds-barred scum! Of course, he still must die.

Matt and Alan:

Buzz Cut #2, Matt, goes to visit Alan at the studio. (Alan did not get fired, as he feared last week.) He bumps into Gloria Bryan, the evil midget producer. Keeping a smile on her face the whole time, she tells Matt that the tabloid photo of him and Alan wasn't good. A "negative" image isn't appreciated; she's spent a lot of time and money on Alan. (What time? What money? Alan got this job in two days!) She also politely suggests that Matt make fewer visits to the set on his lunch break.

Later, Alan and a lovely blonde actress, Valerie, finish a hot love scene for the soap opera as Matt watches. Alan introduces them when the scene's over. Valerie says she loves doing the sex scenes because there's less dialogue to memorize! Matt learns she's not married, which worries him. Alan says he invited her to dinner tonight if that's OK. Matt, caught off-guard, says he's got a late shift at the hospital. Alan just shrugs, saying she and he need to rehearse some scenes anyway.

Late that night, Matt returns home to see Alan and Val passionately kissing! D'OH! But no -- they're just rehearsing. They're even holding on to their scripts! (Where can I get a job like this?) Matt feels dumb for jumping to conclusions. Val also tells him that she's a lesbian! The three of them discuss the producer, Gloria. Matt can't understand why she won't let anyone come out of the closet. Val says, "It's a daytime thing." She says her last relationship was ruined by Gloria's strictures, and advises Matt and Alan to not let it split them as well.

Billy, Alison, and Spooky Brooke:

Picking right up from last week's finale, Jane, Jake, Alison, and Billy are walking out of the MP courtyard after Brooke's drunken tirade. Saint Alison thinks she should go back and make sure she's OK. Everyone tells her to let her be, but she heads back anyway. Sure enough, there's Brooke floating face down! She jumps in! Billy, following shortly behind, jumps in too! "Daah, call 119 -- I mean, 911! Mebbe William Shatner can help us! Gaah!" He gives Brooke the Stinky Breath of Life!

We next see Brooke being loaded onto a gurney by EMS medics. (NO! Don't tell me she's alive?! After last week's ripoff, this'll be too much to bear!) A sheet is pulled over her face. Whew! She's really dead! Yay! Billy stands by, looking numb. (Well, he's supposed to look numb, but it's just another day at work for Andrew Shue.) Alison attempts to console him, saying it was just a terrible accident, but Billy's not convinced that it wasn't suicide.

At D&D the very next morning (!), Amanda starts off the staff meeting of Billy, Alison, and the silent lobotomized minions by expressing her royal condolences to Billy. He says he doesn't need any time off. Alison tells everyone that the funeral is set for tomorrow morning. (Well, Brooke certainly wasn't Catholic!) Amanda asks Billy to go full steam on the Jagged Edged Toys account; Brooke had badly "dropped the ball" on this one. She even tells him to mention Brooke's death and his new widower status as sympathy ploys to help keep the account. Alison Gapes! (She didn't get any slack when Hayley died!) When the meeting ends, she tells Amanda, "Am I the only one here who has a pulse?" Amanda says that if Billy says he's OK and wants to work, that's fine with her, and they need this account. (Ahhh, sounds like the good old Amanda again!)

That night, a resting Billy is stirred by strange noises. "Gaaah, I can't eat Mexican again." There's a moaning, chilling wind! His front door is open and leaves are blowing in. "Daaah, where'd da leaves come from? We don't have trees here! Hey, my door's open!" He goes to the doorway and sees naked footsteps leading from the pool to his apartment. Scared, he closes the door -- but hears Brooke's evil laughter echoing around him!

In the morning, Alison sees that Billy hasn't gotten ready for the funeral yet. He says he didn't get much sleep; he was on the phone with the Psychic Friends Network till 4 a.m. He also says that since he and Brooke were not yet divorced, her sizable credit card bills are now his. Yow! Alison says, "You're in shock." "No, I'm in hell. Gaaah!" He shows her the eulogy he's tried to write. Alison quickly looks it over and says, "This is beautiful." Billy smirks: "It's all lies."

At the funeral, Jake says, "Matt! Bad haircut!" "Jake! You, too!" Amanda takes a cellular phone call from the Jagged Edged Toys people. Sydney arrives with her bob haircut and a small black hat. She disapprovingly says, "A cel phone at a funeral -- very tacky." Amanda replies, "Just what I need, style pointers from Gidget." Billy attempts to give the eulogy, but keeps stumbling over the words. (Again, just another day at work for Andrew Shue.) "Daaah, Brooke was, ah, a lovin' daughter to Big Daddy, who married my ex-fiancee Alison. He, gaaah, secretly divorced her before he, aaah, did a header off a boat! The, aah, Armstrong family has been very bad for this series and, daaah, I hope we nevah see any a' them again!" When his brain completely locks up, Alison takes over.

That night, Billy and Alison bring the files for the toys account home so he can start work. He thanks her for helping out with the eulogy, then he puts on his usual goofy smile and says, "What about tonight? Will you stay with me?" (Wow, Billy -- you may not have loved Brooke anymore, but at least let the corpse get cold first!) Alison says Billy is just using this as a way to shut out his emotions. (You mean he's been doing this for the past four years?) She comfortingly tells him, "You can't bury the pain forever."

Later, Billy is working in the courtyard, looking over the files. Yeah, great lighting outside, Champ -- it's the middle of the night, and you've got one 60-watt bulb overhead! That's how I do my reading! The eerie wind picks up again, and a creepy fog moves across the pool. Brooke, complete with head gash and wet clothes, rises from the mist! Creepy! A scared Billy tries to wake himself up, but it's no dream! A smiling Brooke says, "You can't run away from me. I'll never leave you alone!" Billy yells at her to go away -- then hears Alison's voice above him asking if everything is OK. He looks around, and everything is as it should be. "Gaaaah, yeah, yeah -- everything's fine! See, I'm smirking!"

The next day, he goes to the hotel to retrieve the things Brooke "left behind," including their wedding photo, a dartboard with Alison's picture on it, and some notes she made about the Jagged Edged Toys account. She circled one idea for a slogan: "Stop Playing With Toys, Start Living Them."

At Dumb & Dumber, Amanda, Billy, and Alison meet with Mr. Jagged Edge, who isn't happy with D&D's performance so far. Just as he's about to walk out, Billy shuffles through his notes, finds Brooke's sheet, and says, "When you're ready to stop playing with toys, and start living them." This gets the guy's attention, and Billy presses the advantage, saying they'll focus on the new line of adult games, such as CD-ROM, virtual reality, and 3-D Twister. The guy likes it! He leaves, and Billy gets compliments from both Amanda and Alison for the quick save.

That night, Billy is sleeping on his couch -- when Brooke drips on him! Eeek! Billy wants to know what it'll take for her to leave him alone. She says she doesn't want anything: "You sold me your soul when you used my Jagged Edged Toys slogan." She says it'll make him very successful, and it will all be due to her. She gives him a big, wet kiss. (Wait a second! FOX won't let Matt kiss anybody, but they will permit necrophilia?!) Billy wakes up! He sluggishly throws the wedding picture against the wall and moans like Hamlet, "Get out of my life. Oh, what is happening to me?"

Michael, Kimberly, and (oh so briefly) Sydney:

Michael and Kimberly revel in post-coitus nostaglia at the beachhouse, remembering the fun days when Michael was two-timing Jane and sleeping with Kimberly. He wants Kim to move in, but she declines: Sex is fine, but a relationship between the two of them has always proven ... shall we say, explosive?

She returns to MP to find a funeral-ready Syd placing all of Kim's stuff outside the door. Syd is kicking her out! But Kim has the lease! Syd can't kick her out! Reality is swiftly collapsing! Syd feels completely betrayed by Kim on every level: "Stuff a sock in it, you quack!" When Kim asks Syd where she's going, Syd says, "Didn't you know? Brooke died! Of course, if you had been here, maybe you could have done something about it." Let me get this straight: We're supposed to believe that Kimberly and Michael were screwing around for a day and a half with no contact from the outside world? (I know these things do happen ... just not to me!)

A real-estate agent, Mrs. Davis, waits for Kim at the hospital (Kim is already house-hunting), but without success. OK, what's this scene all about? "Mrs. Davis" must be the director's mother: It's the only explanation for such a pointless character and a bad actor. (Ooops, there I go, condemming half the cast again! Sorry!)

Kimberly eventually finds a nice house on the beach, but Mrs. Davis tells her someone else has just placed a deposit on it: Michael! He says, "Like it or not, we're inevitable." His reasoning -- which is classic Michael thinking -- is that he and Kim have already done all the wrong, twisted stuff to each other, so that leaves only the good things! Kim yields to his Vulcan logic. Begin P'on Far!

Amanda, Peter, Bobby, and Alycia:

Over dinner, Alycia stares at The Bizarre Dr. Peter Burns. Based on what Amanda said earlier, she's suspicious. The clever Peter tells her 90% of the truth, i.e., that Bobby is trying to keep them apart, apparently because Peter is "untrustworthy." She's now mad at Bobby for interfering; she says she sacrificed a lot to go into business with someone of his dark background and limited acting ability. Peter says, "Ooooo, you're sexy when you're driven and determined!"

She later turns up at Peter's office. (Michael and Sydney are both out.) She tells him that she offered her resignation to Bobby. The Bizarre One Gapes! He realizes his Master Plan is jeopardized if he loses access to Bobby through Alycia. "I, ah, don't want to be responsible for you losing your job..." She says she just needed to get Bobby's attention: He rejected her resignation and promised to stay out of her personal life. She and Peter then starting going at it on the rug! Well, at least they don't use the desk!

Amanda visits Bobby at the office, and she notices the new chilly vibes between him and Alycia. She imparts some of her own managerial advice to him. (Run, Bobby! Run for the hills!) Since he really needs Alycia on his side, he should give her an "ego massage"; she suggests he extend a dinner invitation to her and Peter.

At the restaurant, Peter tries to bait Bobby about the cash-flow problems. Alycia and Amanda go to powder their noses ("We'll be back in 2 hours"), while the boys chat. "I don't trust you, Peter." "Trust is highly overrated, especially by losers." Meanwhile, Amanda is equally successful in her talk with Alycia, who gets a bit testy when Amanda suggests that Bobby simply wants to be sure where Alycia's loyalites lie. (Smooth going, O Managerial Wiz.)

Still, things seemed to have gotten better by the time they're all leaving. Amanda and Peter have a few seconds alone. She's happy "we can still be friends." He says that he's fallen "head over heels" in love with Alycia. He says his goodnights, then walks over to Alycia and gives her a lingering, passionate kiss. Amanda seems disturbed. The Bizarre One notes this while still liplocked!

The next night, he and Alycia are asleep in bed ... or not! Peter carefully climbs out and softly opens her briefcase. He begins looking through the financial papers of Bobby's cable enterprise. Alycia's eyes open, but she doesn't react to what she sees. What is her scheme?

Next Week: Jane and Richard yell at each other! (Oh, boy -- something new!) Sydney sues Michael and Peter for sexual harassment! (Go, Syd!) Michael and Kimberly get married -- again!

--Ken Hart

Use the arrows or return to the Melrose Place Master Menu!