Episode 15: Oy to the World


Some really weird scenes with Billy and Brooke, not to mention the wacky doctor-patient relationship between Kimberly and Sydney...but didn't you love that ending?

Can't the producers find any men who can act? John Enos as Bobby Parezi looks like the prize pupil of the Andrew Shue Acting Academy. Shue, by the way, gives easily his worst performance of the season!

The Matt Slot goes to...friendly bartender Jake Hanson! Whatsamatta, Jake? Run out of people to be rude to?

Billy, Brooke, and Alison:

I'll try to be brief because they're painful to watch... In the Santa Barbara hotel, Alison is still pretty trashed from her crash-and-burn off the wagon. ("Billy, meet my friend: Mr. Naya, Mr. Stolik Naya! Get it?" "Daah, no.") She comes on to Billy, who picks her up and carries her into the shower. "Ooooo, in the shower, Billy? Just like old times!" Billy then turns on the cold water and leaves her there!

Alison comes to in the morning. An annoyed and tired-looking Billy tells her that he'll be meeting with the clients in a few minutes. Alison, looking quite wasted, says she wants to do it, but Billy points out that many of D&D's clients know she has a "history" with alcohol. (What does that mean? She know when gin was invented?) If they didn't know about it earlier, Brooke certainly would have spread the word! Alison slumps back onto the bed, shielding her eyes from both the sun and Shue's expressionless face.

Brooke, having been told by Amanda that Billy is helping out Alison in Santa Barbara, rushes out to the hotel, where she angrily confronts Alison. "It's not enough that you stole my father away from me, then killed him, now you're after my husband, too?!" Alison deadpans, "Too bad you don't have a brother." Brooke is furious at Alison's cool, patronizing manner. (Tough noogies, Brooke! C'mon, Alison, punch her!) Billy wanders in, and Brooke says, "Ah ha! One bed, one slut, one slack-jawed moron!" Billy casually says that he and Alison did spend the night together! Alison Gapes! Since this is what Brooke was expecting, she doesn't look shocked, just angry. Billy mutters, "I risked ev'rythin' for one empty moment...it reminded me of high school. Dah, Alison, I never wanna see ya again. Stay out of our lives." (Zzzzzz zzzzz ... oh, excuse me, is he done? Damn, HAL from "2001" showed more emotion!) As Brooke stalks off, Alison says to him, "Are you nuts?" "Well, gaah, mebbe I am. I just risked my marriage for your career, so don't blow it."

Back in Melrose Place, a glum Billy and Brooke talk things out in the morning. (Billy's coffee looks like motor oil. Are the actors forced to drink it?) Billy seems surprised by Brooke's lack of emotion. (The evil coffee pot calls the kettle black.) Brooke says she doesn't want a divorce: "I won't sacrifice my marriage over a one-night stand." She suggests they move out of MP, saying she's just found a beautiful house. Billy says that's great; he'll go over there later with her to check it out. She says that's not necessary: "I already bought it." (Wow, don't you love TV, where you can find a great house one day and actually buy it within 24 hours?) Brooke gives Billy a final warning: If he ever cheats on her again, she'll make sure that he never sees their mutant offspring.

In the evening, Billy sees Alison struggling to pull a big box of her belongings up the courtyard stairs; she's moving back into Melrose. Why? The place is full of misery! Billy offers to help, but Alison is still mad over what he did. She then says that Billy is repressing his feelings for her -- he really doesn't love Brooke. "You know what denial is, don't you, Billy?" "Daaaaah, a river in Egypt? I didn't sleep with you because I didn't want you." He tries to vent his feelings (which is tough to do without showing emotion, but he does it anyway), and says he's tired of always putting Alison's welfare ahead of his own. He won't help her out again. Alison angrily says, "Fine! But you didn't sleep with me because you don't want me? Bull!" Billy walks away, knocking over her box, which spills its contents of Junior Mints and Dean Martin albums.

Brooke is in the hospital, waiting for the results of her latest pregnancy tests. The doctor says the results are negative. Brooke moans, "Oh no, I had a miscarriage!" (Excuse me, but wouldn't you know whether or not you had a miscarriage without needing a doctor to tell you?) The doc says, "I'm afraid you were never pregnant." Yow! OK, which of you out there predicted this? Pat yourselves on the back! Apparently, Brooke's initial pregnancy tests were accidentally switched with someone else's. (If this had happened to Amanda, she would've slapped a lawsuit on them by now!) "You wanted a baby so much that your body created physical symptoms." Seeing how devasted Brooke is, the doc says, "I can arrange for you to talk to someone if you'd like." (Yeah, let's bring Kimberly in here to talk about pregnancy!) Brooke declines and leaves.

She returns home to find Billy putting the finishing touches on a Christmas tree. (Well, since this episode took place over the last couple of days before Xmas, I'd say he took his damn sweet time about it!) Brooke is delighted. Billy gives her a teddy bear and gets all sappy. He hands her another present: a locket. Brooke opens it up, and he says, "See, we're on this side ... and the baby will be on this side! Gaaah!! I don't know how to thank you for the gift that you're carrying inside." Yuck! Brooke is overcome with emotion; she doesn't tell him about the non-pregnancy.

Matt, Joe Thespian, and Jake:

At Shooter's (The Only Bar in Town), Jake and Matt are unpacking a lot of supplies for the bar -- a big change from last week, when Jake had the jukebox replaced by a homeless guy with a harmonica. Matt offers to quit; he knows Jake can't really afford to keep him on. Jake appreciates the offer, but says he's financially OK again. "What happened? Did your fairy godmother suddenly appear?" "Uh...yeah!" "Well, Jake, we'd better get to this mob of customers!" "MOB?! Where?? Not me!"

Matt and the actor, Joe Thespian, are walking down the street. Thespy talks about when he did "West Side Story" a few years back. He had Maria in his arms -- but he realized he'd much rather be with one of the Sharks! (Say, that would have been an interesting addition to the soundtrack!) That's when he realized he was gay. Matt says he knew when he was about 10, but he didn't "come out" until his senior prom. There was a big guy named Derek who was hassling him: "Whatsamatta, Fielding? Ya gay?" Matt says, "I looked at my date, looked at Derek, and said, 'As a matter of fact, I am.'"

Later, at Shooter's own Christmas Eve bash, Matt and Joe Thespian show up. Mere medical intern Matt wasn't invited to the hospital-sponsored Christmas Party. Oh yeah, but how the heck did fashion designers Jane and Richard get invited?!? (More on that later.) Jake gives them free drinks, and Matt invites Thespy over to his place.

Now, since the Christmas Party makes this a toughie to split up, here are:

Amanda, Peter, Sydney, Bobby, Michael, Jane, Jo, Richard, Kimberly, Murray the Wonder Eel, and the rest of the Brady family:

Once more, Amanda and The Bizarre Dr. Peter Burns are wrapped in her leopard-print bedsheets. It's 6 a.m., but they both look MAH-velous! Not a red eye in sight! Amanda encourages him to play golf with Bobby Parezi. Even though Peter and Bobby were drunken buddies last week, Peter seems less than enthused about him now. There's a furious knock on the door. It's Brooke who wants to know if Amanda is responsible for sending Billy out to Santa Barbara. "Yes -- bye." (Plot Error! Plot Error! Amanda did not send Billy out there. He went on his own! He even destroyed the note intended for Amanda that said Alison missed her meeting with the client!) As soon as Brooke is gone, Amanda grabs the Bizarre One on the sofa and aggressively reupholsters him. Morning breath -- ewwww!

At Hart & Mancini, Jane is being so gosh-darn nice to Jo! As Jane's "Let's be friends" mode is in high gear, Richard calls her into his office. He's about to tell her the bad news (for her) about the company's dissolution, but Jo interrupts on an "urgent" matter. Jane leaves, and Jo tells Fashion Boy that he can't kick Jane out -- at least not now. Jo has bought the "nice Jane" routine. "The woman is hurting!" And besides, "It's almost Christmas!" Is it me, or is Jo not the worst judge of character since Julius Caesar said, "Brutus, I can't seem to find my knife. Have you seen it?" Fashion Boy relents and puts the legal documents of death into ... the trash can? No! The shredder? No! How about a locked drawer? NO! He puts them ... on a shelf! Now that's what I call security!

Later, Alison visits Bad Hair Jane at the office and tells her about recent events. Jane is amazed! She's looking for something, and she and Alison wander into Fashion Boy's conveniently unoccupied office, where Jane finds ... Ta Daaah! The legal documents! Jane is outraged: Not only has Jo taken her man, but she's trying to kick her out as well! "What a witch!"

Kimberly and Syd have a therapy session. As Syd bemoans her current situation with Michael, Kim says, "You're what Jane could never be." "A favorite with the Melrose Place fans?" "Well, yes, but I meant you're the perfect doctor's wife." She says that Michael doesn't just want to be a good doctor -- he wants power and prestige, and Syd can help him with that. "Right," Syd says. "My real name is Jeannie, and I live in a bottle." (No, no -- that's Alison!) Kim points out that the hospital is in desperate need of someone to organize this year's Christmas party, and it would be a big feather in Michael's cap if his Significant Other put together a great party. Syd gets nervous; she doesn't think she can do it. "Sydney, we both know you could sell porno to the Pope if you put your mind to it." (Now why can't we have THAT scene?) Kim prescribes tranquilizers for Sydney; she says they're the same ones she used when she was having (ahem) problems, "...and look at me." "Sorry," Syd says, "but lookin' at you still kinda gives me the creeps." She's the best!

At the office of Burns-Mancini (how long before we have D&D-Mancini?), Peter and Michael discuss Bobby Parezi. Michael wants to meet the guy who just gave the hospital the huge donation. (Again, a confusing plot point! Last week, they said it was an "anonymous" donor -- only Peter and Amanda knew it was Bobby!) Peter doesn't like Bobby: "He's a transparent leech!" "Yeah, well, my leech has red hair and thinks she's Marla Trump!" Bobby and Sydney both materialize within seconds of each other. Michael practically throws himself at Bobby. Peter introduces Bobby to Syd, who says, "I'm sorry about your brother." "Thank you. Did you know him?" "We met while he was in a coma, but he seemed okay." Social faux pas by Sydney!

Syd tells them that she'll be organizing the hospital's Xmas bash, but she needs a venue. She asks Peter if his place is available. "NO." Bobby graciously offers his huge new house!

At home, Amanda gets a visit ... from the FBI agents who visited Bobby last week. "It's interesting," they say. "Our Miami office thinks you're dead." They point out how it's been a rough couple of years: Her dad was slain by a supermodel, her gangster ex-husband did a Greg Louganis impersonation off his staircase, and her mother starred in a really bad spinoff. Months of chemotherapy? Ha! A walk in the park! The agents strongly advise her to reconsider her friendship with Bobby. She tells them to buzz off.

The next day, she visits Bobby and tells him that she wants his company back as a D&D client. After he questions her, she tells him about the FBI visit, and he apologizes for unintentionally getting her involved in his mess. She says she won't let the FBI or anyone dictate who she can or cannot associate with. (Just between you and me, I think the FBI agents are fakes! Bobby probably hired these guys to get sympathy from Amanda.)

Michael walks into his office the next day to find a half-dozen workers preparing lots of tinsel, garland, and other decorations for the party. "Whoa, looks like Santa's village blew up in here!" He sees a poster for the party -- with his face on it! Syd tells him that since it's her party, she can pick who she wants as keynote speaker. He seems genuinely flattered, which admittedly isn't hard to do. However, he spots the bottle of tranquilizers -- along with the name of the prescribing doctor! D'OH! Syd tries to tell him how surprisingly helpful Kim is being, but Michael can't accept it. "God, she's probably using us as a research project. I'll be the cover story of 'Wacko Weekly.'"

He goes to the hospital and tells Kimberly to stay away from Syd: "It's unethical." "Oh? Are you afraid of Sydney getting healthy?" Michael won't let her try to analyze him. "I'm the only sane person I know -- and that scares the hell out of me!"

Jane interrupts Alison, who is crying through the ending of "It's a Wonderful Life." Jane says she's still going to the Christmas party and she encourages Alison to do likewise. If they just sit indoors and sulk, then the Brookes, Richards, and Jos of this world win. "Look, Alison, I've even brought an ugly red dress for you to wear." Alison agrees.

As Peter arrives at Amanda's to escort her to the party, he frankly tells her that he doesn't want to go to Bobby's place. She tells about her renewed business ties with Bobby, which gets the Bizarre One riled. Amanda starts kissing him, but he tries to shrug her off: "Hey, I'd like to be angry for a while. You can't just kiss your way out of this!" Oh, yes, she can!

At the party, Syd is receiving congratulations from the many important guests. ("Excellent cocktail wieners!") Things are going quite well -- not bad, considering she had a whole two days to work on it! As Amanda and Peter drive up, Amanda spots the FBI agents taking photos of the arriving attendees, and she rushes over and slaps the camera out of the agent's hands, exposing the film. Peter is a little ticked off that she hadn't mentioned the earlier FBI visit.

Peter and Bobby meet outside near the pool, and Bobby admits that his attempts to be pals with Peter were perhaps a bit strong. Peter doesn't buy it: "It's such a lie. Admit it -- you want me." He's mad at Bobby for trying to insinuate himself into Amanda's life and for getting her mixed up with the FBI. John Enos as Bobby tries to look angry and fails horribly. Amanda pops up, interrupting more bad acting. Peter leaves. Amanda tells Bobby that she loves Peter, and if she can't keep both of them in her life, then Peter will not be the one she drops.

Fashion Boy and Jo comment on how much schmoozing Jane is doing. Why are you even there? KILLTHEMKILLTHEM... Eventually, Jane gets on the dance floor with Michael, and they boogie the night away as Syd gets progressively more miserable. Syd then takes out the bottle of tranquilizers and spikes Jane's drink!

As the night goes on, however, Jane seems to be getting increasingly hyper! Michael is nearing exhaustion, but Jane leads him upstairs. (Gee, it's nice how they have the run of the place.) When Kimberly wanders over to congratulate Syd on the party, Syd asks her if the tranks cause any weird side effects. Kim says that, with some people, they can have the opposite effect. She strongly warns Syd not to take any tonight: "With the amount of alcohol in your system and the scriptwriters on this show, anything's possible!"

Cut to Michael and Jane ripping each other's clothes off in one of Bobby's bedroom! Downstairs, the big event of the night -- the presentation of an award -- is about to occur, and Syd steps in front of the microphone to introduce "my personal physician -- Dr. Michael Mancin!" Applause! Upstairs, however, the three-quarters-naked Michael realizes the three-quarters-naked Jane is unconscious! He listens for her heartbeat and panicks! "Oh my God, I killed her!" Just as Syd calls out Michael's name again, the bare-torsoed man of the hour shouts out to the crowd, "Somebody call 911!!" Say, why didn't he just ask if there's a doctor in the house?

Next Week: No coming attractions! Fox is probably pre-empting it for a holiday special -- that means I get a whole week off! I've heard throught the grapevine that Jodie Bissett may be off the show for a few weeks. The rumor mill says the producers know that the "new look Jane" has been a big flop with the fans, so they may let things settle down before bringing her back.

--Ken Hart

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