Episode 13: Hook, Line, and Hayley


Oh, a good episode this time! Jake tries pathetically to stand up for his rights, the Alison/Big Daddy relationship is all wet, and Kimberly gets in some kicks!

The Matt Slot triumphantly belonged to ... Matt, who did not appear at all this episode! Also not appearing -- for perhaps the first time in a couple of years -- was Shooter's, The Only Bar in Town. And Billy and Brooke had mere cameos. It just doesn't get better than that!

Amanda, Peter, and Bobby:

We pick up right where last week left off, with Amanda sobbing in Bobby's arms after his appearance at her door. She's mad at him for just popping up like this. He says, "I came here to help you." But Amanda sees the gun! "You came here to kill me!" "No, of course I didn't." "Yes, you did!" "Shaddup. I could nevah hurt you." He says he loves her -- and she slaps him again! "Don't you ever say that!" (Who wrote this? The Marquis de Sade?) She tells him to leave. He does, but says they'll talk later.

Lawyer Diamond yells at Bobby when he learns "that murderous witch" Amanda is still alive. He suggests that perhaps Bobby doesn't care about his father, his brother, or the Parezi family and the great pastries they make for Christmas Eve. Bobby positively growls at that! He says killing Amanda does nobody any good and would hurt the series' chances for renewal. "You and I both know that whatever Jack got, he deserved." He warns Diamond to watch his mouth, or he'll be guest-starring on Central Park West.

Amanda apologizes to The Bizarre Dr. Peter Burns in her apartment as they sip champagne, as characters often do on shows like this. (What, no romantic toasts with Pabst Blue Ribbon?) She says, "I care for you -- quite a lot, actually. No one has ever tried to kill me so affectionately with an appendectomy." To Peter's surprise, she says she wants to build a future with him, and he begins his future-building by sucking the buttons off her blouse.

We next see them being disgustingly cute under Amanda's oh-so-tacky leopard-print bedsheets. (To be honest, I'm stunned by this continuity in linen. If only they paid as much attention to the timeline!) He humbly says, "I can't believe how lucky you are..." Bobby picks that moment to phone. Amanda tells him to buzz off, but eventually agrees to meet him that night for a drink. That is, One Drink. When Peter asks who that was on the phone, Amanda tries to blow it off, but she finally says, "That was Bobby Parezi." "There's ANOTHER one?!" exclaims the Bizarre One. She says Bobby won't hurt her; she admits that they were lovers, which stuns Peter. She adds, "But that was ancient history -- and he just wants to say goodbye." Oh, yeah, like Jack did, Amanda?

That night, after A Drink, Bobby tells Amanda about his days in the Gulf War (he washed Wolf Blitzer's socks) and with the CIA. He came here because he didn't want his family to get someone else to kill Amanda. All she wants is for him and the rest of her past to stay out of her life. He's keen on talking about the old days: "I loved you very much, Amanda." "No, I don't think you did at all." He doesn't want things to end: "I'll just wait for you at the car." "Do whatever you want -- just leave me alone." We are then subjected to a video effect henceforth known as...The Flashback Puddle! As the ripples from the puddle fade, we see a scene from years ago. Amanda, looking almost as cute as she did in her "Dynasty" days (but without the nasal twang) is frolicking on a moonlit beach with Bobby, who says, "I'm gonna make shure you don't marry my bruddah." They smooch as Amanda says, "I'll never love anyone else." Return to the present! Amanda sheds a tear.

Peter visits Amanda at D&D, but he's not happy. He says he tried calling her last night, but she didn't return until after 1 a.m., and nothing must ever interfere with Conan O'Brien! She replies that she went out for a walk after meeting Bobby; Peter shouldn't be so upset. "When the woman I love goes out to meet a gangster, I'm gonna worry about it!" "He is not a gangster -- he's a war hero, he's worked for the government...oh, gee, that is like being a gangster, isn't it?" Bobby walks in at that point (everybody can just walk in at D&D!), carrying a bouquet of red roses! Uh oh! Then he thanks her for "last night." Peter leaves in a huff, and Amanda tells Bobby to do the same; they have nothing further to talk about.

Amanda tries calling Peter several times, but he keeps avoiding her. Finally, he shows up at Melrose Place [see his "Hi - Bye" encounter with Sydney later on]. Amanda tells him they must learn to trust each other. After commenting on how stubborn they each are and how this makes them perfect for each other, they start making out ... as Bobby watches with displeasure from the sidelines.


Vic hovers over the bound Kim, telling her, "Gee, I never kidnapped anybody before. Well, yeah, I raped a few people, but that's different." She says, "Let me go before it's gets bad." "Oh, I want it to get bad!" (You've succeeded there, junior!) She screams briefly before he covers her mouth. He must rest before he continues their "fun." "Who knows, you might actually live a whole 'nother day! Now, for your listening pleasure, I'll put on this continuous tape loop of David Hasselhoff's lastest album." Noooooo!

Vic returns to show off his new switchblade and the cool blue jeans he bought at The Gap. After warning Kimberly to stay quiet, he removes her gag. "I want to punish you for every woman that's treated me bad." (He's got a career as a country singer.) Kim starts to laugh! "What's so funny?" "You are! You're hysterical!" "I swear I will cut you..." "Ooooooo! Then what?" She taunts him, saying "If you were a Real Man, you'd want to Do me again!" She suggests he let one of her hands loose, so she can touch him. "Do you think I'm stupid? Do I look like Billy?" he says. She replies, "Then how about one foot ... or do I scare you that much?" "Lady, nuthin' about you scares me." He frees her right foot while she coos seductively. She gets her leg under him as he advances on the bed -- then shoves him into the wall! He falls, hits his head on the rim of the bedframe, and is out cold! Kimberly, still bound, begins shouting for help, but we see a sign on the window: "Earthquake Damage; Propery Condemned." Thank God it still has electricity for that dramatic lighting!

Now here's a real Batgirl Moment: Morning comes, and -- surprise -- no help has arrived. Just as she begins to regret not reading "Gerald's Game," Kim reaches out with her foot to grab the switchblade near Vic's unconscious form. She flips it with her toes, and it lands right next to her hand! Vic starts to wake up! She begins to saw through the bonds around her hand. She succeeds in doing so just as Vic grabs her arm! Again, she pushes him off, then punches him -- with her foot! She frees herself, then binds his arms, saying, "Being tied up and threatened is one of my least favorite things." Now she must decide what to do with him.

Kim walks into the police precinct with her now-docile prisoner in tow. She gives Vic's signed confession to the desk sargeant, adding that Vic is also repsonsible for several unsolved rapes in the area and, worse still, a rash of Dunkin' Donuts robberies. She'll return to make a statement as soon as she's gotten something to eat. Vic says, "Hey! What about our agreement?" "Oh yes, I'm a psychiatrist, this man is my patient, and I'll be seeing that he gets some Special Treatment." (Nudge nudge wink wink)

She meets Peter for dinner later on and tells him that she's quitting the radio station. As he begins to protest, she adds that she wants to be a physician once more -- in fact, she thinks she'd be perfect as a psychiatrist! She's already applied for an internship! The Bizarre One thinks this is a bad move: "Kimberly, get real. Three months ago, you were completely deranged. You can't just wish on a star and suddenly become Sigmund Freud!" "I just need a chance," she insists. "Oh, what the hell," he thinks, "why not?" Yikes! Would you pay Kimberly $85 a hour for analysis? Well, it would be extremely entertaining, if not helpful...

Jake and Shelly:

At the police station, the female lieutentant (or whatever rank) tells Jake they can hold Shelly on assault for the moment, but that she's sticking to her story: That Jake is a mime, the lowest form of life on this planet, and that she acted in self-defense when he approached her with the dreaded "mirror" routine. Fortunately, the police come across an outstanding warrant against Shelly for "tithing checks." They found her safe-deposit box key, but they need a court order to open the box. Jake demands the speedy return of his money, then launches into an odd speech: "I'm sick of being the only man in this screwed-up, dirty city who still believes in an honest life, the American way, and all that! I'm tired of being stepped on. I want my money back!" Calm down, you poor-taste loser!

Later, he visits the now demonic-looking Shelly in prison. It seems she cleared out her safe-deposit box! "Where's the money you stole from me, Shelly?" "It's gone...just like your baby brother." Apparently, revenge on Jake for Jess' death has been her only motive since she arrived. Wow, even when she wore the "butt-floss bikini," she was still plotting vengeance! That's evil! "Rot in hell," Jake sneers as Shelly laughs psychotically.

Jane, Richard, Jo, Michael, and Sydney:

Sydney brings dinner in bed to Michael. She even turns on the football game on TV! As she leaves to take a shower, the phone rings. It's Jane. (There's a certain scary psychic timing to phone calls on this show.) She coyly chastises Michael for "avoiding" her, then asks him to meet her for lunch. "What's going on, Jane? Just where is this going? You can't really be interested in me?" Jane then starts saying Naughty Things over the phone: "I miss the way my fingers run down your chest. I miss the way my fingernails dig into your back. I miss the way 'F Troop' made me feel all dirty inside." This is too much titillation for Michael, who hurriedly joins Syd in the shower, much to her delight!

After their lunch, Jane and Michael stand outside the Hart-Mancini office. Jane wants him to come inside for a bit, but he hesitates. He still isn't sure just what's going on here. "I'm confused." As he says this, Jane spies Fashion Boy and Jo leaving the building, so she says, "Let me clear it up for you," and she kisses him passionately! Richard stares! Jo fumes! KILLTHEMKILLTHEMKILLTHEM

Later, at Burns-Mancini, receptionist Sydney takes a phone call from Jane for Michael, who says he'll take the call. Jane invites him to a fashion-industry cocktail party at Taco Bell. He agrees to go, but he bluntly asks her when is the sex going to start! Jane deftly deflects the question. Michael then tells Syd that he has to cancel dinner with her tonight: "Something's come up." Syd, looking disgusted, mutters, "I'm sure it has, Michael."

Richard visits Jo and her new hair color. He says, "We need to talk." Jo is thoroughly fed up with this guy: "I can see the 7th-grade game Jane is playing, and I see you playing right along with her! Once again, I have fallen for a lying, childish rat." Fashion Boy tries to protest, but Jo continues her Blame-Everybody-But-Me tirade: "I mean, I am a smart woman! But I always fall for these two-timing slugs that crawl on the bottom side of Relationship Hell!" (Hey, Jo, if you are going to constantly fall for these guys, I think it's time to revisit the "I am a smart woman" bit.) Lame-O Richard finally gets a word in, telling her that he's drawn up legal papers dissolving Hart & Mancini (in acid, I hope), and he wants Jo to work with him at the new, Jane-less company he'll start.

Later, Sydney visits Jane and asks for some "sisterly advice." She thinks Michael may be having an affair, say, with a former wife? Jane smiles and feigns ignorance, but Syd pointedly says, "I'm not as dumb as I look." She stalks away just as The Bizarre Dr. Peter Burns arrives to talk to Amanda. Without eye contact, Syd says, "House call, Doctor?" "None of your business." Cute.

Alison, Hayley, Billy, and Brooke:

Big Daddy brings Alison breakfast in bed on his yacht. (What is this? Spouse as Indentured Servant Week?) She's still dazed by their swift departure, but he insists that it's just his way of making things up to her. Alison says she really should contact the office. The notion doesn't thrill him, but he says, "Oh, I called Brooke and told her you would be out for several days." (Liar! Liar! Pants on fire!) Alison points out that Brooke isn't the most reliable of message-carriers, and a bent-out-of-shape Big Daddy agrees to let her call out later on. She contacts Billy at D&D, where he and Amanda are visibly annoyed over Alison's unexplained absence. She tells him that Hayley has been going through a rough time lately, and she'll return within a few days. "You can cover for me until then, can't you?" "Daaaah, ah guess ah'll haf to!"

Big Daddy calls Alison up on deck, where he is surrounded by boxes of documents, financial reports, and old Playboy magazines. He tells her that the SEC has been after him for months; that's the real reason they left, and he apologizes for lying to her. "I've been hoping one of my little shell games would pay off, but it hasn't. My God, I've even been playing Lotto!" He then throws his financial records into the water! "Basically, I'm broke. The only thing I own is this yacht." Alison says that doesn't matter. But there's more! He says he can never go back to the U.S.! At this point, Alison gets mad. "I can't believe you would just take me to ... wherever you're going, and then...then...then... [spit it out!] not even trust me enough to tell the truth." He understands and tells her that they're coming to a port soon; she can decide whether or not to return to the U.S., but he certainly hopes she'll stay.

In the oh-so-lovely village of Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, Alison tells Hayley that she's decided to stay with him! Awwwww! As they continue their voyage, she asks an apparently sloshed Big Daddy about their ultimate destination. He rules out Australia and New Zealand as having too many dingos, and he settles on a tropical island in the South Pacific -- a little place called Monster Island. "Now all we gotta do is watch out for the French and their nukes!" He asks her if she wants to phone home, but she says that's over with now. The drunken Hayley rants about his failed businesses, problems with Brooke, and his secret lust for Antonio Banderas, but Alison manages to lure him away from the bottle and toward a more sensual form of partying: Twister!

That night, Alison wakes up to find Big Daddy missing and an empty bottle on the floor. She goes up on deck, but can't locate him. The captain says he last saw Big Daddy having a couple of drinks on the deck. Oh no, you don't think.... Mayday! Mayday! Man overboard! Alison calls out anxiously for Hayley as the captain signals the distress call. [Wow, this sounds like a great plan by Big Daddy to wipe out his identity. He has his loving wife testify to his drunken death and even to his destruction of his financial records. He can't be prosecuted because everyone will think he's dead! Ah, but wait!]

In Acapulco, Alison is questioned by the police. The ship's captain says he was probably the last person to see Big Daddy, and confirms that Hayley had been hoisting a few drinks. The detective says Brooke has been notified and is on her way here with her idiot husband. Meanwhile, a body has been found on shore. It may be Hayley's, and they need Alison to identify it. Alison Gapes! The news hits her hard -- she never anticipated that he could actually be dead.

At the morgue, the detective pulls back the sheet -- and it's Hayley! Alison begins sobbing, just as Billy and Brooke arrive. Brooke stares accusingly at Alison: "What happened? Where is he?" The detective tells her that Big Daddy be dead! She lunges at Alison, shrieking "You killed my father! You'll pay for this!!" Billy restrains her, while Alison collapses in tears against the wall.

Next Week: Bobby continues to hover, making Amanda and Peter nervous. Big Daddy's will is read: Brooke and her mutant fetus get $1 million. "Nothing to his wife?" The lawyer says, "He wasn't married. He divorced Alison last week!" Alison Gapes! HA! Remember those real-estate papers that he had her sign last week? Heh heh heh! Big Daddy will return from the grave in true soap-opera fashion!

--Ken Hart

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