Episode 28: Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang


In this episode: Kimberly schemes some more; Matt becomes a homewrecker; and Sydney orders a sandwich with the special sauce of Revenge!

The Matt Slot goes to ... the brains of the audience, which must slowly be disappearing as the show limps to the season finale. Mercifully, Billy had very few lines. :)

Alison, Billy, Amanda, Brooke, Michael, and Kimberly:

At the hospital, the new chief of staff (who is not so Bizarre) calls in Kimberly and Michael. It seems Michael has given him a copy of her suicide note -- for the safety of the patients, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah -- the chief is having none of it. He orders them to leave the hospital out of their personal affairs. "All I can say is, thank God you didn't have children." (Kimberly should have killed the doctor on the spot for that remark!)

Alison tells the Brookster that she's not going back to D&D. Brooke says she's already taken the liberty of setting up an interview for Alison with Big Daddy Armstrong (Perry King); his company needs a new VP of Marketing. Alison is happy, but she says that she's trying to focus on the more important stuff, like "repairing my relationship with Billy." Brooke encourages her to go on the interview. Well, no duh! (Alison, wake up and smell the coffee of betrayal -- it's a bitter taste!!!)

Kimberly pays a surprise visit to Amanda. (Doesn't D&D have a reception desk, for God's sake? Anybody can walk into Amanda's office.) Kim has come to, ahem, apologize for projecting her problems with Michael onto Amanda. When Amanda replies that she really could care less and that she's no longer seeing Michael, Kim says, "Thank God!" She says Michael is a terrible doctor and that Amanda is lucky to have survived his efforts. She further suggests that Amanda sue him: Besides "saving" others, it would also mean mondo moolah.

Big Daddy Armstrong meets with Alison. The job offers sounds great. ("Wow, pizza chefs make that much money?") He likes her, and wants to know if she would definitely take the position if offered to her. She says she most likely would. Sure enough, he calls that night to give her the good news: Kato Kaelin turned down the job. She's to start her new position immediately -- in Hong Kong! Alison Gapes! Daddy says, "Oh, didn't I mention that?" Alison is very negative toward the concept of moving; Daddy suggests she think about it overnight. He hangs up and turns to the approving Brooke; obviously, this was her idea to get Alison as far from Billy as possible.

Brooke tells Billy about the job offer. Billy says, "Daaah, I don't think she should GO." He feels it would be emotionally bad for her right now. Brooke is surprised, but recovers quickly. She says Alison needs to put distance between herself and her failures; Billy should do the right thing and subtly encourage Alison to move. That night, Billy and Alison have dinner. Billy -- stooge that he is -- does the right thing and subtly encourages Alison to move. He adds, "Gaaaah, no matter how it turns out, ah'm proud o' you, and I'd miss you if you left."

Michael storms into Amanda's office. (What?? Again? Fire the receptionist!) He is P.O.'d -- he just received notice of Amanda's malpractice suit. "You are a cold-blooded bitch, aren't you?" (Why didn't you say she was a bleached blonde? Everyone else does!) Brooke threatens to call the police -- Michael is still subject to the restraining order. He leaves, vowing vengeance.

Alison is packing things in her place; her flight leaves in a couple of hours. Billy, at work, says he'll drive her to the airport and say goodbye. Amanda won't let him -- he's got an important meeting to drool over. Brooke will go instead. When Alison mentions to Jo that she has things to say to Billy before she leaves, Jo suggests writing a note. Later, as Brooke drops Alison off at the airport, Alison gives her a letter for Billy. She says she now realizes that she's still in love with him. (Hey, yo, Einstein! Why didn't you just give the letter to Jo?) Brooke says, "If you and Billy are meant to be together, he'll be here for you when you get back." Once Alison leaves, Brooke crumples the note.

Amanda is at home that night when the lights go out. The door to her apartment is open. She runs out in time to see a figure in a trenchcoat leave the courtyard. On the wall is a typewritten note: "We're not finished yet." As the trenchcoated figure returns to a motel room, we see that it's -- no surprise -- Kimberly, and she's just in time to receive Amanda's worried phone call. Amanda believes that Michael planted the note, just as Kim intended. (C'mon, Amanda -- Michael wouldn't leave a note! He's the type of guy who gets in your face!)

Matt and the Not-So-Single Doctor:

As the hired help cleans out the pool in the courtyard (is he a new character for next season?), Matt makes coffee, but Paul can't stay: He's got to get to work, but he had a great time. Once he leaves, though, Matt notices he forgot his beeper. He brings it to the hospital, where he tells Paul's assistant that Paul left it at the ... uh, the ... gym! Yeah, that's it! The gym! He spots a photo of Paul with an attractive woman. The assistant says that's Paul's wife. Hello! Matt confronts Paul later. Paul apologizes: "I'm just confused and scared." "Yeah, well, join the club." Paul stuns Matt with the news that Matt's his first homosexual experience. Nonetheless, Matt says he won't get involved with a married man. Later, Paul says his sexual confusion is emotionally painful and he needs to talk to Matt. Reluctantly, Matt agrees to go to Paul's house for dinner. (The wife is out for the night.) While chopping vegetables, Paul tells Matt about his marital problems (damn those in-laws!), adding that he has had no sexual feelings toward his wife in a long time. He comes on to Matt, who doesn't say no.

The next day, Matt is visited in his office by Paul's wife, who is not a happy camper! She calls Matt a variety of names: garbage, filth, sloppy dresser. She says, "I came home and found my husband in tears," claiming Matt seduced him. Matt, stunned, says it's all a misunderstanding and he has no intentions of staying involved with Paul. The wife says if he sees him near Paul again, she'll kill him. (Why doesn't Matt have non-violent subplots?)

Syd and Jane:

Jane pressures Syd to get the cocaine-in-the-L'eggs fiasco resolved ASAP. As if on cue, Mob Boy #2 (Jim) calls up. He wants the opportunity to explain over dinner. Once she arrives at the restaurant, he flashes a badge -- he's FBI! He says he infiltrated the drug ring: "We're two days away from busting the entire operation." However, there's no way he can save Mancini Designs. He cares for Syd and tells her the best thing is for her to wipe out all traces of her ties to the company: Write a letter of resignation and back-date it. Syd says, "What about Jane?" "I can only save one of you." Jane will have to take the fall. Hmmm, guess what Syd does?

Back at the office, Syd tells Jane that the drug thing has been taken care of. Also, she says Jane was right -- she shouldn't be in this business, and she hands over her letter of resignation. Jane notices the week-old date on it, but Syd just says she had been thinking about it for a while. Jane shows skepticism: "What's wrong with this picture, Syd?" "Ahhhh, nothing." Later, over the phone, Jim/FBI tells Syd she has to lay low for about a year. She must go to a particular taco stand and order a pastrami on rye -- she'll receive her next instructions. Well, Syd goes to the taco stand and tries the code phrase. The guy says, "We don't serve pastrami and rye." "No," Syd insists, "I mean Pastrami On Rye (wink wink nudge nudge)." No luck. Syd spends the whole day by the stand, refusing to yield to the belief that she's been had. (There's a spinoff in here: Taco Stand Sydney. Every week in this existentialist drama, Sydney Anders Mancini asks visitors the mystical question, "Can I get a pastrami on rye?" This week's guests: Bea Arthur and Lorenzo Lamas.)

She returns to Mancini Designs where Jane gives her the Death Look. "Oh,did you come back in time to see me taken away in handcuffs, Sydney?" Yet as Syd comes in, she sees that Jane is actually doing a photo shoot, as though everything is normal. It turns out that Jane played a superb trick on Syd: The two "mob boys" were actually models hired by Jane to con Sydney. Jane got what she wanted: Syd's letter of resignation. "You don't belong here, Sydney -- you never did." Sydney, thoroughly shocked, says, "Freaks. You're all freaks!" (Point of order: Since Syd didn't sign over her share of the company to anyone else, couldn't she just reappoint herself president of the company?)

Jake, Jo, and Jess:

In the courtyard, Jess sees Jake moving stuff out of the apartment. It's Jess' stuff -- Jake says he says he wants Jess out of the pad, and he's firing him from Shooter's. Jess gets nasty: "I hate to rub it in, 'little brother,' but I'm the best she's ever had. She told me so this morning ... I appreciate you warming her up for me." Jake whacks him. Jess swings back, but Jake easily pummels him. Jo rushes down at this point, and pleads with Jake to stop. Jess, lying weasel that he is, says Jake just started punching him for no reason. (Cry-baby.) Jake says he never wants to see Jess' face again, so he's removing MTV from his cable account.

Jo visits Shooter's later on. She tosses a couple of verbal zingers at Jake about his attitude: "We're just 'friends,' right? It's not like I was having an affair." She accuses him of always competing with his brother. Jake replies, "You're wrong. This is about betrayal and disrespect, on both your parts!" They part ways with an oh-so-significant closing of the door.

At some grungy pool hall, Jess overhears some thugs discussing various burglary plans. He deliberately provokes one of the bozos, who looks like a beefed-up version of Aerosmith's Steve Tyler. "Hey, Sammy Hagar can sing rings around you, ya pansy!" Tyler whacks Jess a few times and says he's killed for less reason. Jess says he's got a job for him. Later on, after Tyler and the rest of the band have finished checking out Shooter's, Jess gives him half the money for "the job"; he'll deliver the rest when it's done. Tyler asks, "What's your beef with this guy?" "He made fun of my Judge Ito beard and lack of acting ability."

Syd is drowning her sorrows at Shooter's, when Steve Tyler and Band raise their guns and announce a holdup. Jake tries to keep everybody calm, and he tells the customers to just do what Aerosmith says and hand over their wallets. As he empties out the register, he leans down to press the silent alarm button. Tyler shoots him in the chest! Jake staggers back as the band takes off, singing "Jesse's Got a Gun..." Syd runs to Jake's aid, but is it too late? Naaaah.

Next Week: Billy proposes to Brooke! And Kimberly accelerates her annual plan to get revenge on Michael! The end credits: Letters to Clio again, but audio only!

--Ken Hart

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