Episode 20: St. Valentine's Day Massacre

So after Steed and Mrs. Peel successfully fought off the Cybernauts, they ... oops, sorry, wrong show -- won't happen again. An OK episode this week, though they really could do without the Psycho Cop subplot. And were you one of the lucky winners of the contest? Did Andrew Shue call you up and say, "Daaah, HEY, ya won!"

Sydney, Jane, Jake, and That Wacky Cult:

Martin the Guru Guy lets Syd out of the pit in the morning. He gives her another chance to stay and tells her how courageous she was in leaving her L.A. life behind. Sydney agrees to remain in the Outback (it's an Australia joke -- Sydney? Outback? Get it?), but is Our Little Sydney faking? Back at MP, Jane and Jake compare notes about Syd's "camp outing." Jane has news from the Cult Information Hotline -- 1-800-MAD-GURU -- that Martin is listed as "extremely destructive." They go In Search of Sydney. At a diner, Jane regrets pushing Syd away in her time of need (yeah, yeah, yeah -- like Syd "needed" your ex-husband -- let's keep things in perspective, Janey). Martin and Ricki (serious actress Traci Lords) do some target shooting. Martin asks Syd to pick a gun for herself. The cult has a HUGE arsenal. Martin teaches Syd how to use The Force, and before you can say, "Behind the grassy knoll," Syd is picking off bottles like Clint Eastwood. That night, as Jane and Jake drive up, the cultists pull out the ammo and take aim! Jane and Jake are blissfully unaware of their danger. Realizing the situation, Syd angrily tells them to get lost: "It may not be Camelot, but it's the home I've always dreamed of." J & J leave. As they wearily arrive back at MP, Jane realizes that Syd gave her some obscure code signal, and so they head back!

Wait a second -- Jane, it took you seven hours of driving to figure out Syd's hidden signal?! Couldn't the producers afford another shot of J & J figuring this out in a diner? Anyhow, they return -- it's again nighttime -- and Martin gives Syd a gun and tells her to get rid of them. Syd tries to shoo J & J away, then spins, shoots out the tires of the Cultmobile, aims a couple of rounds in Ricki's direction, and jumps into Jane's car, yelling "Adios, fruitcake!" Yow! They escape. Martin tells Ricki that they'll take care of Syd at a later time. The next day, Jane is all gosh-golly-gee squirmy around Jake as she thanks him and invites him to dinner. Jake thinks, "Well, you're one of the few MP women I haven't slept with yet -- so why not?" At night, Syd receives a phone call from Ricki, saying that the cult misses her and that they'll be back for her. Syd walks to Jake's in search of comfort, but looks through the window and sees him and Jane enjoying a cozy dinner.

Matt, Jo, and John the Psycho Cop:

Psycho shows up at the hospital and asks Matt to dinner; Matt says sorry, he's working late. Psycho shows up at Shooter's, where Matt is chatting with Jo about her new job for L.A. Monthly. Matt is clearly uncomfortable, but invites Psycho to join them. When Psycho hears about Jo's gig, he gallantly offers to escort her through the rougher spots so she can take her photos. In front of some hotel, Jo is taking pictures of models or transvestites (I honestly wasn't sure), but Psycho gets a call and tells Jo they have to go -- he has to grab some drug dealer. So he takes Jo, civilian photographer, along with him!! (By the way, hasn't Jo made a great recovery from her gunshot wound in the back a couple of weeks ago?)

They park in an alleyway. Psycho gets his gun and tells Jo to stay in the car. She doesn't, of course, and secretly takes many photos of Psycho savagely beating the crud out of the drug dealer. She shows the photos to Matt, but says she doesn't want to get involved. Later, she's visited by two officers from Internal Affairs, who ask her roundabout questions about the previous evening (we later learn that the drug dealer is in a coma). Jo does her Sgt. Schultz impersonation: "I saw NOTHING! I know NOTHING!" She talks to Matt again -- she fears that if Psycho suspects she took photos, he'll come after her. Matt offers to keep the photos with him. That night, Psycho comes up to Jo as she walking home with the groceries. He tries to be nice, but he know that IA visited her. He wants to be sure that Jo is his "friend." Jo, shaken, returns home to find that her apartment has been trashed! Apparently, Psycho was looking for the photos.

Michael, Amanda, Billy, Alison, and Kimberly:

Amanda, even while undergoing chemotherapy at the hospital, is still doing business on the phone. Michael admonishes her to rest -- her body needs to cope with the therapy. She ignores him. At D&D, Billy and Alison talk about what a dumb holiday Valentine's Day is. Just as Billy suggests, "Gaah, maybe we should get a Valentine gift for 'Manda," Amanda enters and slams Alison yet again (!) for making plans with clients without getting Amanda's approval. When Alison sweetly replies, "Hey, Amanda, would you like a cup of tea?" Amanda puts 2 and 2 together and angrily summons the Thickie Twins into her office. She's mad at Billy for telling Alison about her cancer. She accuses them of plotting to take over D&D during her illness. Billy says no and tells her that, as much as she would prefer to deny it, Amanda can't run D&D solo and fight cancer at the same time: "Ya need owa help!" Amanda doesn't buy it.

That night, Michael and Kimberly are about to engage in bedtime gymnastics when the phone rings. It's Amanda -- she's very sick and she asks Michael to come over. Much to Kimberly's annoyance, Michael jumps right out of bed. When Kimberly says, "Since when do you make house calls?" "Since I have a friend who's also my patient!" "You don't have any friends!" "I wonder why?" he says pointedly. Michael brings Amanda medicine, and tells her that she's been pushing too hard -- her body has to have strength to fight the cancer and deal with the chemo. She asks him to stick around until she falls asleep. He gently holds her.

At the hospital, Kimberly angrily confronts Michael. She just found out that Amanda has cancer -- Michael doesn't have the training for that. It's unethical for him to be treating her. Michael says that he's got something in mind and that if "by some miracle" Amanda survives, his name is made. (Oooh, he's being scummy!)

Billy and Alison buy a wind-up walking heart for Amanda for Valentine's Day. Amanda smiles sweetly and thanks them So Much. As soon as they leave her office, Amanda smashes it! (Best scene of the evening.) Michael talks to Matt about some doctor's research project on the East Coast that he wants to get Amanda into, but it's apparently full. Matt says "full" doesn't necessarily mean "full" in bureaucracy. Michael gives Amanda some bad news -- he says her white blood cell count is dangerously low. He tells her about Dr. Steele's program in New York. It's a radical new treatment, and he thinks he can get her in. She says let's go.

Billy drops by Alison's apartment with a video offering: "Sleepless in Seattle" or "The Dirty Dozen." He says, "Daah, even though we're not togetha anymore, we can still be Valentines." (Blech.) Alison hugs him, she chooses "The Dirty Dozen," and they break out the popcorn.

Next Week: Syd and Jake square off; Psycho holds a gun on Matt and Jo; and Michael kisses a stunned Amanda!

--Ken Hart

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