Episode 14: Sex, Drugs, and Rocking the Cradle

This week, the characters spent a lot of time picking up the pieces from last week, and no one was left hanging around. The Matt Slot this week belonged to ... oooh, a toughie -- everybody had dialogue. Probably Jane.

Sydney and Jake:

Sydney wants to "clear things up" with Jake (although the worst London fog is less murky than this relationship). She knows that things looked "weird" in Las Vegas, but she assures Jake that her life really was in danger (really, really!). She then says, "And the whole time I was in Vegas, I didn't sleep with Chris." Jake, in a staggering and hard-to-believe display of insight, actually reads between the lines of this statement! "What do you mean -- 'in Vegas'?" You did sleep with him?" Syd explains everything -- i.e., how Jake would have been beaten if she hadn't -- but Jake looks disgusted. She says, "I did it to protect you." Jake, never at a loss for words, says, "I gotta get Shooters ready for lunch." What a guy!

Alison, Billy, and Susan:

Alison is at the Twin Peaks...I mean, Twin Oaks rehab center, where in group session, she sort of blames external factors for her problem, and is verbally hammered by another recovering alcoholic, a 30-ish guy named Terry. The counselor assigns Alison to work in the kitchen ... with Terry! Alison tries her patented "Can't we be friends?" routine on him, but he comes down on her hard: "You're a butt-kissing little blonde bimbo who's too afraid to admit she's a drunk!" Alison Gapes! She says, "Go to hell!" (Pay attention, people -- this line will reappear later on.) "Oh, I been there, babe, and I'm on my way out -- don't know about you." (I didn't make any typos -- this is just how he replied. Alison loves men who speak in sentence fragments.)

Later, she calls Susan, and asks her to tell Billy about this meeting at the center for the group and the people who convinced them to seek help; it would mean a lot if (yawn) Billy could show up. Susan is not pleased -- but she says she'll relay the message. Terry gets rude again, and Alison gives it right back to him. He gets calm, and says that not only is he a recovering alcoholic, he's "sexually compulsed." He says when he sees someone like Alison, he's gotta have her. Alison takes this revelation surprisingly well! (Geez, even rehab patients aren't normal on this show.) He asks her not to tell anyone, and he apologizes for his earlier behavior.

Sure enough, the meeting comes and no Billy -- we see him and Susan making out on the couch. (Get that thing upholstered, for God's sake!) Alison then hops out the window of her room -- wow, she's really good at that! -- and goes on a drunken binge. Terry is waiting in her room when she returns, gives her tough talk, and tells her to sleep it off, and he'll stay there to make sure she does. The next morning, she thanks him for saving her butt. He says, "I watched you while you slept. I could hear the Old Me say, 'Take her.'" Again, Alison takes this news amazingly well! Terry says he just wants to see her get better.

Billy visits Alison, and she's mad. When Billy finds out why, he says he didn't know about the meeting and he certainly would have gone if he had known. Alison believes him. Billy confronts Susan, who at first pleads forgetfulness, but we find out that her mother was alcoholic, and Susan resents the fact that an alcoholic is again causing her to be ignored. She says that Alison has always been an expert at manipulating people. "And the Camille routine? It's worked every time!" (The 'Camille' reference goes completely over Billy's pointy head.) He says he won't desert a friend who needs his help. Susan demands that he stop seeing Alison. He says he can't -- "One way or another, I'm always going to love Alison and that's the way it is." Susan is NOT pleased.

Later, Billy returns just in time to see Susan moving out. He wants her to stay. She wants him to choose: Dump Alison or lose her. Billy won't make that choice. "I care for you, and that hasn't changed." Susan says, "Go to hell, Billy." See? I told you that line would pop up again -- the writers really got lazy this week. It's surprising how, in just one week, they managed to turn Susan from a nice, caring person (although the spoon-feeding of Andrew Shue was painful to watch) into a selfish brat. There must be something in the pool ... Alison and Terry briefly kiss, but she breaks it off and heads back to her room. Alison, my dear, why are you attracted to him? He's an admitted sex-crazed maniac -- I don't care how nice a guy he is! Is there some bizarre "he reminds me of Dad" thing going on? Ooooh, we're getting into a weird area here, folks.

Matt and Jeffrey:

They're at Billy and Susan's place for dinner (earlier in the episode, of course). Jeffrey cuts himself while chopping vegetables and has an anxiety attack (he's HIV positive). He confesses to Matt that he's scared. Matt gives him a pep talk. Later, Matt is politely hinting that maybe Jeffrey should move in. Amanda comes by and tells them that she calmed Susan down and that there's no health risk with the pool. (Gee, thanks!) Jeffrey is mad at Matt for telling people about his HIV status. He leaves. The next day, they meet at That Same Restaurant (the one with the palm trees). Jeffrey apologizes, but says he won't move in. At this point in his life, he still needs to spend time alone.

Amanda and The Bizarre Dr. Peter Burns:

Burns is acting weirder. He's getting increasingly possessive of both D&D and Amanda. He's suspicious of her working arrangement with Billy, and it becomes obvious that he's been doing a lot of digging into her background. (He even knows that she was once pregnant by Billy.) Amanda is angry. Later, when he tells her to attend a dinner at "the club" to meet some influential backers, she declines. He makes it a command, not a polite request. (Nasty.) He shows up unannounced at her place later on. He says they need to talk -- let's go out for drinks. Amanda says, "We've been out the past two nights ... I think we should cool things down a little, and keep things on a more professional level." The wrong thing to say to this guy, Amanda! He says she owes her current position to the fact that she slept with him. "Nobody walks out on me -- no one."

Jo, Kimberly, Michael, Jane, and The Baby:

(The Accent is gone! Yay!) Jo confesses to her lawyer, great B-movie actor John Saxon, what she did. He politely tells her that she's messed things up Big Time. He thought he had a great basis for an appeal of the custody decision, but that's out the window now. He says he'll pretend they didn't have this chat, and he suggests she get a criminal lawyer.

Michael is obsessed with getting back together with Jane, believe it or not. Jane wants none of it. When he sends her flowers, she has them re-sent to Kimberly! Kimberly gets the flowers and reads Michael's love note to Jane! D'OH! When confronted by his psycho wife, Michael says it was just a joke -- don't you know a joke when you see one? Ha Ha Ha! She tells him to choose. He decides to stay with her and "Michael Jr." The baby sounds sick, but Kimberly refuses to let Michael take him to the hospital. Later, the baby develops a 105-degree fever. Kimberly says she got the baby on the Black Market (isn't that on the Home Shopping Network?) and she fears the hospital will take the baby away. Michael says he'll fake the paperwork, but they've got to get the baby taken care of. (The baby is a great actor -- he cries on cue!)

Jo confronts Michael at the hospital and tells him the truth. He agrees to her request to do a blood test. He later calls her to say that the tests prove Jo is the mother. She asks Michael for help, but -- wonderful scum that he is -- he says tough noogies to that. If he gave up "Michael Jr.," the baby would just go to Reid's parents. This way, Jo can still visit once in a while. Swine!

Next Week: Christmas in snowless Melrose Place! Peter threatens Micheal. Kimberly threatens Michael. Amanda threatens Peter. Alison hugs Billy -- Terry looks threatening.

--Ken Hart

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