Episode 12: The Doctor Who Rocks The Cradle

Hey, Doctor Who rocks the cradle? What's he doing here? The Matt Slot this week belongs to ... it's a tie! Matt and Michael didn't appear at all! (Boy, the rumors will fly now!) Let's see ... where to begin?

Oh, what the heck, Billy & Alison & Susan:

Alison is extremely upset after hitting the cyclist with her "I can't possibly pay for this" car. She's in heavy denial, saying that it wasn't her fault. The policeman gives her a Breath-A-Lyzer test, which she blows big time! She's handcuffed and tossed in jail! (Considering her behavior -- not to mention her acting -- over the past few weeks, I found this very satisfying.) Fortunately, the cyclist suffered only minor injuries and is sent off to another show. Alison calls (yawn) Billy, who had just been planning a romantic weekend with Susan. Alison says she couldn't get ahold of Zack, and that Billy is her only hope. (You are desparate, aren't you?) Billy agrees to bail her out for $500, thus reducing his romantic weekend with Susan to a trip to Blockbuster Video. "Gaaah, let's rent out Spaceballs -- I love that film!"

At D&D, Amanda is not happy about Alison's absence and lack of groveling, so she reassigns her account to some extra with no dialogue. She tells Billy that big things are coming to the company that she can't go into detail about. "Wow, the circus is comin' to town?!" "NO, Billy!" She says that if all goes well, she and him will both profit from it. "

Alison hits the bottle again as soon as she gets home, and Billy voices his disapproval. Alison says she doesn't want to be alone tonight and asks Billy if he can spend the night, even if it's just on the couch. Billy says, "Dahhhh, no." Alison gets surly. Billy leaves and says he'll talk to her when she's through "wallowing." Amanda comes by and tells Alison that she's reassigned her account. Alison protests, but Amanda says she's tired of hearing her excuses. Alison Gapes! Later, at Shooter's, Billy meets Alison, who says that letting him go was a big mistake. (She foolishly thought she wanted someone with a command of the English language.) She says she's stopped drinking, just as Billy wanted. Billy says, "Gahh, what about Zack? I thought he was the new man in your life." "I realize that Zack won't be there for me, not like you can." Billy says that it's too late to go back, and that he's with someone he's in love with. Alison gets surly again (it's like an On-Off switch with her lately) and makes a couple of snippy comments about Susan. Billy wants to know what's in the glass Alison's drinking from; she doesn't tell him.

Zack visits, and he's all dressed up. He apologizes for not being there (unlike Billy!) and says he screwed up big time. Alison, the Tower of Iron Will, takes him back. At the courthouse, she gets off with a misdemeanor in the accident and the DWI. (Ha! Just wait until the parents of the cyclist take you into civil court, Miss Alkie!)

Jane, Jake, Sydney, and The Accent:

Jane and The Accent rejoice in a check for $500,000 that they've just received. The Accent says he'll deposit it into the bank. (Stop him, Jane!) Later, they bump into Jake and Sydney. Once Jane is out of earshot (of course), The Accent says, "Jake, you'll be happy to know that Syd and I have kissed and made up -- all for your benefit." He leaves; Jake says, "What was that all about?" Syd pleads ignorance, pointing out that The Accent is always saying cryptic things.

The Accent visits Syd later and gives her a pair of earrings. Syd refuses the gift, but he hints of bad things to come for Jake if Syd doesn't play along. Syd jokes that she'll sell them and give the money to charity. (Ha!) The Accent says, "I thought all your charity came from the waist down." (Scum!) He leaves, and Syd looks at the earrings with an appraising eye.

Jane is unable to reach The Accent on the phone. She is called to the bank, where the manager tells her to expect a lot of bounced checks. She says that's impossible -- she's Mr. Spelling's favorite! There should be over $1 million in the account, but the manager says it's ZERO. But she protests that her associate, Mr. Accent, deposited a check for $500,000. "Actually," the manager says, "he took it as cash." D'OH!

Syd, wearing the earrings, is walking down the street when a limo pulls up and The Accent reaches out and pulls her in. He knew she would like the earrings. Syd struggles to get out, but to no avail. (Hey, isn't this kidnapping, folks? It sure looks like kidnapping.) Jake turns up at Jane's door and asks if she knows where Syd is -- she didn't show up for work. Jane puts 2 and 2 together and again comes up with, dah, 22: She says that The Accent and Sydney have played the two of them for fools (well, you make it so easy, Jane) and that they've run off with Jane's money. Jake stares.

Amanda, Dr. Peter Burns, and Bruce:

Peter tells Amanda that Bruce is desperate, and warns her that deperate men are dangerous. (But you're a softie, right, O Bizarre One?) Bruce invites Amanda to his place. He seems much more chipper. He tells Amanda that everything's going to be OK. He just concluded a handshake deal that would have a big company buy D&D, making them part of the one of the biggest advertising agencies on the coast. And he would stay in charge. "Why, that's great, Bruce," Amanda lies. "It sounds too good to be true." Bruce thanks Amanda for all her help, and he promises that he'll do everything he can to see that she gets a "sizable raise" for all her efforts. (Gee, very generous, Bruce.) Amanda quickly leaves and phones the Bizarre Dr. Burns.

Later, Bruce calls Amanda into his office. The deal that would have saved him is dead. "Someone" leaked word about the deal, which drove stock prices up and made a buyout of D&D too expensive. "Howard Stern was interested, but I've still got some dignity left!" Amanda says she's sorry. Bruce says he only told "one trusted person" about the deal -- Amanda. He angrily accuses her of betraying him. She denies it. Bruce says, "You're fired. I never want to see your traitorous legs...I mean, face again for the rest of my life!" Amanda is stunned -- this was NOT in the Master Plan!

Jo and Kimberly:

As part of Kimberly's plan to "save" Jo's baby, the two woman say they're going for a long drive and a picnic. In reality, they go to the beach house. (Where the heck was Michael? Shopping at Versace?) Kimberly induces labor, and Jo soon gives birth to a beautiful baby boy.

Kimberly goes into the hospital's morgue records and changes the record of a recently stillborn baby to Jo's baby. Kimberly then tells Amanda, Jane, and Jake the terrible story of how she and Jo were driving when Jo suddenly started going into labor; she tried to get Jo back to the hospital, but she knew it was too late; she delivered the baby in the back of the car, but it was stillborn. We don't see the following scene of the three friends going into Jo's hospital room to console her, as this would have required a much higher level of acting than any of them could pull off. Jo presumably plays along.

Reid's parents' lawyer comes by to verify what happened. Kimberly and Jo are very convincing, and he seems to buy their story. Kimberly goes back to the beach house and breast-feeds the baby! ("Mommy's here...") When Jo gets out of the hospital, she heads straight for the beach house. Kimberly opens the door a crack, and Jo sees her baby at Kimberly's chest! Kimberly says dreamily, "What are doing here, Jo?" "What do you mean? I'm here for my baby!" "Oh, poor dear, you must be suffering from post-partum depression. Your baby is dead, Jo -- you signed the death certificate. This is my baby." She shuts the door, leaving Jo outside shouting, "Give me my baby!"

Kimberly's really gone loo-loo now! For a while, I thought she might become a regular, but not after this! [Note from Ken in 1996: Shows you what I know! Sheesh!] Even if Jo gets her baby back, how will she explain what happened? I have the feeling that the baby is not going to survive. If he does survive, then Jo either flees back to New York or she's tossed in jail for fraud!

Next Week: Alison goes on a rampage in front of Billy and Susan. Syd hides in the bathroom from The Accent. Jane and Michael entwine their bodies on the couch!! And "a shocking ending" -- we see Amanda step into a doorway and drop her jaw plus her "Return of T.J. Hooker" script!

--Ken Hart

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